Not quite a horder - decluttering
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Hopeful, you have my condolences on the loss of your dad. After my parents passed away within nine months of each other, I turned to a book for some insight on how to deal with it. It was called something like Life Over Loss. One thing it said was that the grief process takes about three years, with many phases experienced over that time.
Even tho you didn't want to take more stuff into your home, it will probably make it easier on you to sort thru everything once you move your dad's stuff to your place. So his house being sold is a good thing. (My siblings and I rented our dad's house for ten years after he passed and it was a royal pain in the rear. Was thrilled when we sold it.) You will make some decisions now, life will move forward, and in a year or two, you will look at what you have held on to with a bit more distance from your dad's passing and making decisions on what else to part with will be easier. Best wishes to you.
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50 plus years of radio and electronic parts. guys have the problem too.
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Cliff, my husband likes to hold on to things, too. He and I have different perspectives because of life experiences. Both my parents have been gone for almost 20 years. His 88 year old mom lives on the same street as us. When both my parents passed, it made me more aware of how short life was. Then in 2011, when I was diagnosed with stage iv bc, I was really looking my mortality in the face. Dh has good health, for which I am so happy, and he does not have the sense of how short life is the way I do.
A couple years ago, when I was really whittling things down, he was acting like I was getting rid of absolutely everything. I absolutely was not, and I do not ever get rid of his stuff. We still have a comfortable house and there is nothing stark about it. Since we helped his mom sell her house two years ago and move near us, his burden of helping her with that house for forty years was removed. Last year we sold a rental house we owned, so more responsibility lifted. He sees the benefits of simplifying.
Our house was a fixer upper 30 years ago, now it is not. Dh still holds on to drywall, lumber and other things like he is going to use them in another big remodel. But our house won't need one. Dh was so used to making improvements, it is hard for him to think that part is over. I asked him to clean out the garage this spring. We'll see how that goes.....
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Since so mamy of us have mentioned the process of downsizing our parents' homes as well as our own, I wanted to mention this book I came across at the library and am now reading. Peter Walsh, the author, was on Oprah several times, helping hoarders get their lives changed around. He has another book or two on the subject of decluttering that I've read. This one is insightful as well:
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Devine, Your DH might be willing to donate some of that to a good cause. Habitat for Humanity comes to mind. Or some other organization that helps elderly or poor people rehab the house they're in.
Now if I could get DH to finish some projects. I wouldn't mind hiring someone to do them even. He gets the materials and then realizes the project is over his head, but won't get someone else to do it. We have a large open china cabinet that gets dusty overnight. I have to wash the dishes to use them. He bought the glass for the simple glass doors 5-6 years ago. I don't think he knows how to do it, but someone must.
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Wrenn, those are good donating ideas and I will suggest them to dh. He is also like your husband, not wanting to hire out. If it is something really over his head like plumbing a kitchen or shingling a roof, he is glad someone else can do it. But I remember we were in the middle of a room remodel when I got the bc diagnosis. Even with everything on our plate, it was hard for him to have someone come in and finish the drywall and painting which he was capable of doing himself. But I absolutely insisted. Especially because dh can let a project drag on endlessly. After my diagnosis, I wanted that one wrapped up pronto.
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my brother-in-law used to do that, drove my sister-in-law crazy. She finally put him on notice if he didn't at least start projects within the next two weeks. And then by golly she did it. He was mad, but in the end there house looked great.
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When my son was growing up, I went thru a phase of buying craft materials, always with the idea of making different decorative or seasonal items for my house. Many times, I never seemed to make these creations I had envisioned, or I would get half way thru a project and never complete it. At some point, several years later and many spools of ribbon and craft paint bottles later, I recognized what I was doing and just told myself, no more buying craft stuff. I realized I didn't really like doing crafts. Not sure why I was putting that pressure on myself. The upside was I no longer felt guilty for spending the money on excess crafting stuff and having it lying around.
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Camille, thank you for sharing the books (I've heard of P. Walsh but never read him.) as well as your condolences and very kind and thoughtful words. You've hit the nail on the head about so many aspects of it. At this point I'm just looking forward to having the house emptied so that we can reclaim our weekends/free time and not have that hanging over our heads. It's hard going there and not having Dad there, so I'm looking forward to the end of that even more.
We're donating a lot of stuff to a community warehouse and local tool libraries. His art supplies have been donated to an excellent program that can always use materials. Dad would be happy with those decisions and it's a lot easier (emotionally as well as logistically) than an estate sale.
I ran across something today that I'm going to start doing with my things, too - I found that a few of the oldest pieces of china were labeled on the underside. Someone decades ago had written out the history of their ownership and who they were to go to; i.e. 'From Gr Aunt Mary to Melissa to Robert to Marianne. From Dresden 1860', for example. It was written in tiny lettering on a piece of tape - still legible after many, many years. This wouldn't work with things that get washed frequently but it's a useful approach.
I'm also going to start a notebook with who/where things should go. We have a video of my dad going through his house providing some history and some direction but I need to sit down and make written notes from it.
The thoughts that keep running through my mind are: 'I don't want anyone else to have to do this for me/us when the time comes' and 'I really don't want to have to do this when I'm 80 and we decide to downsize.'
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Today, I tackled the empty boxes in my closet. Ugh. I had about 40 boxes piled high up to the ceiling. They completely took over my shelves. I have been in the habit of keeping them for Christmas presents, but honestly, we don't use that many. Well, I wrap nearly all of my presents, but everyone else just uses gift bags. I don't give enough gifts to warrant keeping 40 empty boxes. So, I flattened them and took them out to the trash. Then I picked up all the balled up tissue paper and fixed the bottom drawer that I keep birthday bows in. Found a whole bag of CPAP supplies, which is great because I need some new parts. I also ran across a large box of crappy stuff that I have no idea why I have been keeping them. I'm sure I haven't looked into this box in the last 15 years. There was a childhood scrap book with pictures of people I don't remember and birthday cards. Also a stack of letters that I don't care about. I went through the picturs and tossed at least 90% of them because they were either bad pics or I had more than one similar picture.
My goal for tomorrow is to go through the coat closet. We have made a habit of piling things up in the bottom of the closet. I kid you not, the closet is 2 FEET DEEP with stuff. I don't even know what all is in there. I need to find my bright yellow caution vest--I'm going on a mission trip in 3 weeks, to do clean-up from a flooded area--gotta wear my steel toe boots, hard hat, tool belt and caution vest. If it's not in the bottom of the closet, I'll have to borrow one from someone else.
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Poodles, doesn't it feel great to get rid of unnecessary crap? It sounds like you are on a roll, and I hope you find your gear for the mission trip amongst your decluttering today.
Hopeful, you will not regret your thoughtfulness in going about taking care of your dad's things, tough as it is. I, too, always think about not wanting my son to be burdened with so much of dh and my stuff when we are gone. Did the generation before us just not think that way?
Dh and I do agree we want to take care of many things now in our late 50s than later like at age 80! We helped his (at the time 87 year old) mom downsize from her house in the country she lived in for 67 years to an apt. across the street from us. She'd refused to move for years. She'd been widowed for 25 years and never had much money or ability to keep up with her house so it fell on dh's shoulders, his three siblings helping very little.
In helping my MIL get her house ready for sale, we learned some things ourselves. For instance, it was required she have handrails installed on two sets of steps which cost her a pretty little sum. Her daughter had offered to have it done several years before as a Christmas gift, but stubborn MIL refused. Anyway, dh and I realized our own basement steps needed a handrail so we addressed that, along with a few other things. To MIL's credit, at her age, she made a nice transition from house to apt., bumpy that first year, but now it is sooo much simpler for all of us.
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I was raised by grandparents who lived thru the depression. I think that's a major factor in people wanting to keep things in case they might need them again. How many old people had a ball of string? When I give clothes to Goodwill, I have to convince myself that I will have enough money to replace the ones I'm wearing when they wear out. Although with fashions the way they are, I worry about finding anything practical to buy in consignment stores where I mostly shop.
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Yes, the depression had that effect on many. I am coming to the realization, as is often written about and a subject on talk shows these days, that our kids really don't want most of our old stuff. Sometimes a college student or someone recently living on their own might want something till they buy their own. But not everyone wants mom's old china or dad's hat collection.
With that in mind, yesterday I spent a couple hours in the room I store things. I emptied one of the metal shelving units, pulled it over by the door and started putting all stuff to be garage sale-d on it. And when it was full, I piled more stuff in front and on the side. Books, blankets, beanie babies and much more. Look forward to getting rid of it. I do not look forward to hauling it all down the stairs and out the back door to the garage
And...have to remember not to replace the junk with more junk!!
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Some charities will come and pick up all the stuff that didn't sell at your garage sale. I would just rather donate. We had a garage sale once and everyone kept saying, Oh we got rid of that long ago! Eventually some of it comes back in. My son & his friends loved formica tables when they were in college.
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This will be my final garage sale. Years ago, I had some over several years and whatever did not sell we immediately put in the car and drove it to Goodwill. We plan to do the same this year. We often get a visit or two from people who show up at the end of the sale to see what's left and if we will slash prices, which we do. I am going to price stuff cheap cheap cheap.
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I hate to hold yard sales. I just hate people trying to dicker with me over 25 cents. And you're right, nobody wants the furniture or old china (unless it's really valuable.) I'm just not sure what to do about some of our stuff. DD is only 23, living in a little bitty house (seriously, her whole house could fit in my downstairs.) She has no place to put the corner hutch, Grandma's china, and the engraved silverware. She doesn't need the couches or tables. DS is 30 but he travels light through this world. He doesn't want much beyond his bed, his laptop, and some clothes. He *does* want the piano, but he's not really going to be able to take that with him if he moves to an apartment. Nobody wants to hear him banging on the piano daily.
My mother grew up in the Depression, too. She has collections of stuff in every drawer and she can't get rid of any of it. She has a lot of cheap 1970s furniture that's not worth anything. There's a very nice sewing machine that she hasn't touched in at least 15 years, but she can't let it go because she "might need it." There are 2 shelves with nothing but cheap vases and old, messed up toys that's she's going to fix someday. And the craft supplies! Oy! When the time comes, we're going to box it up, call Salvation Army or some other entity, have them bring a truck and some sweaty guys and haul it all off.
I think we're going to have a problem with the piano. Thrift stores don't want them. Nobody will even take them for free because they don't want to pay to move them. When my sister's MIL died they had to get rid of her baby grand. It was 100 years old and in perfect condition. They tried for 6 weeks to find some place for it to go and couldn't even give it away. Believe it or not, it went to the dump. SMH. It just made them sick.
The really big issue I have is what to do with all the household and yard chemicals. I'm talking cleaning supplies, pesticides, fungicides, plant food, and the like. Mother has at least 45 bottles of chemicals. There isn't a single company in her city that will take household chemicals. I don't want to throw them in the trash to poison the land and water, and I sure as heck don't want to move them to my house! Mother can't get rid of any of it because--let's all say it together--she might NEED it. I removed 8 empty laundry detergent bottles, you know, those big ones. She about had a fit! Somebody might NEED one! I told her if someone needs a bottle that bad they can pay $4.99 for a full bottle of laundry detergent.
I swear, I am NOT going to do this to my children.
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Poodles, my mil has a similar outlook. She thinks her things are so valuable but they aren't. She told us someone broke into her home and stole her wedding dress (from the 40s) and 22 pairs of shoes. Now, how many 1940s, and every other decade, wedding dresses can ya find on ebay? And how the heck do you know it was "22" pairs of shoes? How many people want used, size 9 shoes from the 70s 80s 90s that belonged to an old lady?
My opinion on this is that these old timers want to believe the whole of their life's journey has been worth something, and they prove that to themselves by believing their "things" are so valuable others will fight or steal for them. And of course, they also want to feel magnanimous in sharing these valuables, just in case anyone needs that detergent bottle, well, look! They have one and got to save the day!
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Poodles - I gave my upright piano to a nice family with three children who lived in my neighborhood. The father & grandfather came with 4 wheel dollies and literally rolled it down the middle of the street. Then made a plywood ramp to get in in their front door. What a riot. My Mother wanted me to take her grand piano years ago, but my house was & still is too small. But oh my goodness - the dump?
We have at least one place in the City where you can take hazardous waste. And sometimes they have collection days in various locations. All you have to do is show your driver's license & a water bill top prove you live in the city.
I love your comment about empty boxes. They breed in the dark you know - really they do. I have empty boxes in my attic. Tons of them, for exactly the same reason, I might need them to wrap or mail presents. My son threw out a bunch of them 6 or 7 years ago, but they have multiplied again.
Mrs. M - I agree with the depression era saving, but I think part of the 'collection' problem is that famiiles are more mobile. At one time, all the kids stayed in the same town & probably ate at Mom's or Grandma's at least every Sunday. And they knew their grandparents & great grands, so all that 'stuff' was meaningful. Now kids live all over the country. And when they entertain, most either use paper plates or go out. I'm beginning to see the usefulness of paper plates myself. Just wish someone would want the Lenox & Waterford. Sigh.
Wrenn - I agree about clothes & fashion. I have things that I like & that fit and are comfortable. I had to wear jackets at work in my last few jobs, but Dockers were OK on the bottom as long as you wore 'leather' shoes. Yes, I have too many clothes now that I've retired, but I know I'll never find these things again. And maybe I'll go back to work? Or maybe I'll finally give it up and take them all to Dress for Success or the Battered Women's home. Unfortunately most of them are not warm enough for the PNW.
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LOL , Divine. This is my mother all over. She's so worried that someone will throw out our old, ruined dolls or the (used) wrapping paper or the sewing patterns from the 60s or her enormous collection of silk flowers. We dare not toss out 50yr old games and puzzles!
Nobody wants this crap, but she wants it all to go to us to be loved forever. She offers me random stuff every time I go down to see her. I take it home with me and 100% of it either goes to the thrift store or the trash can.
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MinusTwo, along with being a more mobile society, credit is more easily available to purchase household things. And, I think it was the early 1970's that women were finally allowed to get credit cards in their name, only men could do it before. And so much more variety in stores that people want to embrace their own styles and not great great grandma's.
Poodles, my mil offers stuff to me and dh all the time! Piddly little crap! He used to tell her no and I said, just bring whatever she offers home and we can dispose of it! So that's what he does now. A bottle of relish, a rusty outdoor thermometer, an umbrella fixed wth duck tape....and oh my, duck tape is like her go to problem solver best friend, lol
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Ooooh, the duct tape! Yaaaas...
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Want a new angle on giving up things for Lent? Check out this 40 bags in 40 days challenge.
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I've really enjoyed following this thread. Like others, with my current diagnosis all our "stuff" has become a burden and I recognize the need to downsize and get rid of clutter. It was a bit of a rude awakening when I originally heard Stage IV and thought crap, who is going to deal with all the accumulation.
To make matters worse, I am single and share a house with my mother (a widow). It made sense since we were both on our own and I am the only family in the area. The challenge is that she totally has the depression era child mentality. When my father was ill she got into garage sales and flea markets as a way to cope. She had visions of finding those treasures you see on the antiques road show! While I love many of the things we collected (we live in a heritage home) there are boxes and boxes of items that she had for sale. China and glass for days! She says she wants to get rid of this excess but every time I try to get rid of something it becomes a fight as she wants to "get what she paid for it". She doesn't get that the market is gone and BTW it has been sitting inthe basement accumulating dust for 20 years. Sigh....
We have managed to do some purging while I have been off but mostly household items, paper and excess clothing. But I keep chipping away at it and hopefully we will begin to make progress on the 'valuable' items someday soon.
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Glennie: Great link. I may not be up to 40 bags right now, but I'm going to make a personal goal to get rid of one thing every day. I'll put some boxes in the garage and force myself to add something every single day. Oh wow, tomorrow's March 1st. What will I put in the box tomorrow? I have visions of myself lying in bed at night feeling guilty and getting back up to figure out some 'donation'. I'm going to count things that I throw away too, instead of give away. Cleaning cupboards & closets often yields things beyond salvage. So why were we saving them?? I just found a ragged T-shirt yesterday that no one could possibly wear from a job my son had in college 25 years ago. I cut off the sleeves & got some great rags to polish the sliver - that no one wants.
But to be fair, I'm going on vacation the 14th through the 24th - so I'll have to just extend my challenge out 10 days past April 10th
MrsM - I believe you are right. Without credit people saved up to buy what they wanted - AND what they needed. I remember saving up to buy a used washing machine before my son was born so I wouldn't have to go to the laundromat to wash the CLOTH diapers. When you really have to work & save for something, it becomes meaningful on its own. Like the first piece of jewelry I bought myself at age 20. It is costume jewelry & I don't really wear it anymore, but I saved for it for several months & it's still meaningful (note - only meaningful to me). We used to joke about furnishing our children's first apartments from garage sales & left overs. I don't think many people under 45 would accept that now.
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Glennie, the 40 bags in 40 days is a good idea. Interesting article. I could probably never be that organized, but I do spring cleaning around this time anyway. The idea of clearing the non physical stuff like emails, digital photos and other types of these things is something I could address more often.
Sadie, I imagine it is frustrating to deal with a parent who cannot let go of stuff. I think sometimes the old timers (said with all due respect to your mom, and others her age as certainly they've done a lot of things right if they've made it as far as they have), but they hold onto stuff as insurance, like if times get really tough, they can sell that old china/silverware/collection of _______- fill in the blank....and it will help them thru the tough time. If they sell it now, they might spend the money frivolously and not have it available for the next depression.
Btw, forget who mentioned having to send a grand piano to the dump, but wow, and ouch! Lots of people like the electric keyboards, easily moved and transported, takes up less space. But my gosh, the things that used to have such value..........times change......
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You know, it's odd that both of my parents grew up during the depression but neither had that mindset, although it showed up in valuing (and caring for) their belongings - but not to the point of keeping stuff. Except books, maybe... Unfortunately, my dad was the last of his numerous siblings and thus had a lot of family heirlooms that really should stay in the family (other than what goes to the historical society) but it's a big project to figure out who wants what and then ship it to them. Oh for the days of large families with lots of young adults trying to furnish a new home two miles away!
Minus two, if you don't want to keep the crystal & china and have no one in the family who wants it, you could probably sell it to Replacements.com. I have some Waterford that I've not used in a decade and I'm seriously thinking of selling it. I loved it when I was collecting it but it no longer has any meaning.
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hopeful - I'll probably keep the Waterford, but I do want to get rid of the Lenox. It has a gold rim so has to be washed by hand. No one's going to do that anymore. I will check Replacements. Or I could leave it for my son to deal with in an estate sale (most of which are now just garages sales run by a professional company)
Interesting article from Mother Nature Network – Nobody Wants the Family Heirlooms Anymore.
http://www.mnn.com/your-home/remodeling-design/blogs/nobody-wants-family-heirlooms-any-more
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Minus, well that is a timely article! It is everything we are discussing here.
Something else I read in another book on getting rid of clutter: the author said she observed that sometimes people miraculously lose weight when they decluttered. In my husband's case, he started having gastrointestinal issues during the months we spent transitioning his mother from her house to an apt and getting her house up to code for sale. It was all stress related because he had numerous testing which revealed nothing. As my MIL got tucked into her new place and her house sold, dh started walking daily on the treadmill and lifting weights, and over the next year, he lost 50 pounds. Shedding the heavy responsibility of keeping his mom's place livable for her liberated him.
I still harbor some resentment towards his two sisters and brother, all older, who let dh deal with the bulk of caring for their mother. I want to get past it, but they act like what dh did and does is no big deal. And of course in MIL's eyes, all her kids are equal. Oh well. We make sure she's taken care of because that's the kind of people we are.
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Mrs. M - it often seems that only one sibling ends up responsible for handing all the parent issues. And it's often not the "favorite" of the parent, or as in your case, 'all children are equal'. Oh well. I agree that we will do it anyway.
Imagine how funny or ridiculous the things I'm going to toss on my personal "one thing a day for 40 days" challenge can be. Box ready in the garage for Salvation Army. Trash can at the side of the house.
Today I threw away a 2 ft by 2 ft 'sit up in bed' foam pillow that I used to use a lot before BC. Hmmm that was before 2011. And the pillow came from my BFF, who's husband had used it for some time before she passed it on. I started out saving the pillow several years ago in case I decided I might find it comfortable again & start using it again. Nope. Then I thought I should look for someone who has a cat that could use it for a bed. NO MORE. So...a pillow that won't fit in any reasonable closet and is probably 10 years old is NOW in my garbage can. Whew. Day #1.
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I finally got my photos organized and am so happy. I don't know if I mentioned I repurposed a cheap, skinny pantry cupboard into storage in our music room. The pantry had been holding misc. junk elsewhere. I emptied the contents, most which I will sell in the garage sale. I painted the pantry and now it holds four photo boxes, two picture albums, some sheet music of dh and ds and a bin with guitar strings. It makes me happy to have the photos accessible on the first floor. They'd been upstairs in the exercise room scattered inside an old hutch.
I pulled out most photos of my stepson, who is almost 40, and made a photo album to give to him, made one for my niece and organized one photo box of photos for dh that sort of catalog our almost 28 years together.
I develop far less pictures these days due to ability to share on FB and such. So my photos will stay organized now. I am glad I pulled pictures out of old albums and put them in the boxes which are much easier to store. I kept two albums because I took time to assembled them so nicely years ago. That's plenty.
My pantry:
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