For Older People with Sense
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I am really emotional right now. I am angry and my feelings are, well rather hurt. Even as I sit her writing this tread, I can't but help and think about my teenage grown children that just don't get it. I have been cussing and fussing for the last three days because of the choices that my teenagers are makimg, it's indirectly affecting me because they live with me. The oldest is a college student who pretends that she perfectly has it all together. My eighteen year old I want to strangle her to death. I am proud of some of the strides we have made together in our mother daughter relationship still she seems to be sent from hell and this morning because of all of my bickering and me constsntly on her, I imagined that she probably wish I would just go somewhere and die. I realize I am the one with the problem. I feel that I am the source of my own stress and because of my own anxiety with everything that is going on in my life I feel totally out control and being controlled at the same time. I am trying to regain my footing because I usually am this upbeat positive ball of energy with a positive look upon life, but I have gone to far and now it is time for me to release some of those negative emotions that I have towards my teenage, grown, adult, children. Like I said I am somewherein between healthy emotion and being toxic. In the mist of my confusion and dealing with the emotional pain of losing my right breast and putting my teenagers out of my house I don't know which is worst. Thanx for listening al comments welcome. I am new to the thread and I haven't got my whole self in but I a trying to be consistent so that I can get to know you other women please be patient when I don't get all to involved. I understand that this is a give and take relationship and I'd like to do my part by being all to concerned with whatever issues you might face from day to day.
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Alyson congratulations on your new grandbaby, he is gorgeous. I've also had a few of those up at 3am days this week I always say if us older gals wanted to take over the world at 4am we would just throw open our front doors and the world would be ours!!! I keep a little piece of paper in my wallet with everyones phone number on it for the occasion where I either leave my cell phone at home, in another handbag, at my office, in the back of the car - my friends are quite surprised when I actually answer it cause I lose I more than I use it, kids on the other hand have their phones attached to hands I too love turtles a couple of months ago I house/dog sat for 3 weeks and they had a turtle, she never left me any instructions for the turtle and I was terrified I would kill him/her but I did a lot of turtle care reading on the internet and ended up falling for the little guy he/she had a "real" personality. And I agree I have learned so much from BCO of course I didn't find out about it until after my treatment but it is my salvation as we all understand the feelings, everyone just says things like "get over it" but you never do. Chrissy you done good this is a fabulous thread.
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Somewhereinbetween, take your time and get to know us then just jump in whenever. {{{HUGS}}}
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Somewhere they could also be scared they might lose you, they hold in their emotions but rage about dumb things, case in point my girlfriends 17 year old has been driving her insane, I keep getting phone calls "where is my sweet girl, where has she gone" on the other hand this kid completely rearranged her school day last thursday to come to my office and surprise me with heart shaped cookies and red velvet cupcakes for my birthday, I was blown away I just wasn't expecting it, I was expecting a Happy Birthday on facebook, take care, (((HUG)))
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somewhere. don't worry about how much you can particapate right now, on this thread, or not.. there are many here who are a few steps farther than you, and can remember how it was for us. i was scared, my lids were giving me fits (as usual) and i had nothing to give to others.. thats' normal, girl, so don't beat yourself up
those of us here that have been there, can at least tell you what we did, see if it works..
there doesn't have to be either / or in any of it.,. i had to just put myself, and what i needed, before them. we put so much into our kids lives, but, that doesn't NECCESARILY mean they will, when we are ill, scared, and not at our best.
for me, i had to stop expecting them to understand, at all. and that didn't mean the rules changed. they didn't have to ask abouttx, they didn't have to say, i don't understand what your doing.. they just had to treat me in a respectful manner, and act just as they were expected to bf i got bc.
they wanted to critisice me for being emotional, inconsistent.. i just told them my illness was hard on me, but they just needed to act the same way i expected them to before i got sick. i woulod take care of whatever was bothering me with other people, who had been thru this. so, i drew lines in the sand, how they could speak to me, o act in general, and they faced the same consequences they did for disrespect, etc. befolre.
then, id come here, and tell you all hoiw hurt i was, how they didn't love me, etc.. al the things i wanted to say to them, but didn't!
please, feel free to tell us it all. good, bad, ugly. we've ALL been there! some of us had wonderful responses, mine was not (and is not ) so good from my children. but the ladies here, have been a major strength, helping me to keep myself together, and not expect from my kids more than they could give, whatever their reasons..
i hope you'll stick around, and take from the group right now. your time will come to give, so no worries there! pm me anytime and we can commisserate... 3jaysmom
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Thank you for your much needed support and encouragement that lets me know tha I am right where I am supposed to be with my feelings. No I don't want to to treated as a unique case but I do feel that I deserve respect from the and when they can no longer do that then it is time to do something different. I have been the kind of Mom in the past that wasn't always consisitent with my children and now today I stand to be recognized as the mother of the year because I do care and I don't wish to severe my ties with them but I teach them what it is to be responsible for their behavior, godd, bad, or indifferent. They must assume some type of resssponsibility even in the home. I will not continue to take care of grown folk. Not to mention what is expected from you in the home. I don't claim to be no superwoman. I know I can't do this alone and I choose not to. I guess I am grateful for the love I sometimes feels from them but I love me too and I will do whatever I have to do to take care of me because I don't expect nobodys else too. Much love and strength to you all that have faced my dilemma.
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Hi somewhere,
I agree with 3jaysmom. I don't have teenage kids anymore (thank God ) but one thing I do remember is that they are SO self centered that you really can't expect much from them when there were times of trouble. it seems that emotional maturity and really having empathy doesn't kick in until well into their 20's. Of course there are the unusual thoughtful, kind, good kids who do GET it, but I think they are definitely a minority. You see flashes of it at times, when they surprise you with really stepping up...but for the most part its ALL about them. As I often say...If they were born adolescent no one would have them!
Get through it with them as best you can but you have to be your own advocate. Don't allow any disrespect or stuff you did not permit before your illness. I 'm sorry they are driving you mad. And it does hurt that they will not realize what you are going through and to try and behave accordingly.
Judie0 -
My daughters are in their forties and short of shooting them I ignore them. My grandchildren are more supportive. My one daughter just can't get over the fact I might die. WTH I am 67.
One thing we all learned after my son-in-law died, is that they needed to treat each other with respect. There are websites with rules for teenagers. You don't have to like me, you don't have to support me but you need to be respectful to me and each other. My house my rules.
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I had three teen aged sons 13-17 back in my middle age
we had batchelor training..preparing them for the "freedom"
they would have in college and afterwards..and they learned
all the skills with that in mind so it wasn't rammed into them
It was surprising how much they appreciated all I did after that
and they all turned out to be soooo supportive in their tamilies.
But they had their moments for sure. good thing I encouraged
them to play sports and work out some of those hormones on the
field or in the pool..
Probably it would have been a good thing if we had wood to chop
but in our stamp size house and outside that was not an option.
Ten years ago when I was starting my BC treatments they were
supportive, but a little remote..that bothered me some, but actions
do speak sometimes even if we don't see them..
BTW, I am so happy for this thread, thanks so much crissy. I will
be 70 in a year and some. and I do wish sometimes I did have more sense..
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Oh, Lisa, come on, you have plenty of sense. You also have a great eye for a fabulous photograph. Did you see anything worthy today that you can share with us?
imbell, that is it exactly, respect. That is what so many kids (and many, many adults) are lacking. Simple, basic repsect for others. somewhere, I believe it will get better for you. I was step mother to 15 and 13 year old daughters. Besides being the evil step mother, it was a real eye opener. The great thing I can say is they did come back from being brain dead when they were in their early 20's. In fact the eldest asked me to be mother of the bride at her wedding.
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Hi Somewhere.............I no longer have teenagers....my oldest is 53, and my youngest 42, but believe me when I say they were not born that age...........We all go through that part of their lives. I think children, as well as adults all handle things differently.....Some will be there for you, support you, cry with you, and be the person who helps you keep it all together..........then you have the ones who absolutely can't handle the trauma, and the best way for them to get away from it is to lash out at the very person they love......Its like they are blaming you for what happened when, you had nothing to do with it......I think they also do it because they know we will love them regardless of the hurt.............Imagine the shock, horror, hurt, and the frightening time we are going through with having the disease, can you imagine what is happening to them when they realize "its cancer".........is there one person out there who doesn't shutter at the very sound of the word.................
My children (6), and my grandchildren (18) were there for me 100% And I was waiting in the same hospital where I was having my surgery for my twin great-grandchildren to be born......I have never felt so loved in my entire life.....I had no husband to support me (he died in 1991 also from cancer). Of course each child handled it different..One even the night before surgery had not told his 4 children that I had cancer..........I said "what the hell are you waiting for....are you kidding me....I'm having surgery tomorrow...why do you think they are doing this".........His answer was "well we can't be sure until they get in there".........Right.........the ultrasound showed the tumor..........the biopsy they took after pathology showed the malignancy...........but there again.....he could not face the fact that now his mother had cancer.........another didn't stop crying from the first phone call I made saying "it doesn't look good", until the surgery was over, pathology was back, and things were looking better then ever........Each of the 6 reacted differently, but never left my side. They were at every Dr. visit, biopsy, meeting with the onc Rad, and the Onc, and waved to me as they wheeled me into the operating room, and there when I came out............Everyone is different. Your children will come around.........they are scared........and can you blame them..........It is always harder for the people watching, rather then the one it has happened too.
We are all here for you, this is the best place to be........these women on here are the greatest.. Next to my family, they are my rock, and the people I depend on when there is something you just can't tell anyone else.................why you say...............Its because we are all in the same boat paddling as fast as we can to get away from the Beast that is chasing us..........But we will will win the race, because for those who are just getting diagnosed remember......"You have cancer, it does not have you".......for the rest of us who know our fate........"WE had cancer, it did not have us"............hugs girlfriend, its about you now...no one else.
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Cancer is a word, not a sentence.
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Ooooh Barbe, so true, so true. I am adopting that one for my well meaning friends who know squat.
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I'm new to this thread. I'm 57 years old and believe I have some "sense in my head now." Been married 37 years to my high school sweetheart with 3 adult sons. One isn't married yet, but has a family of a finace with 2 children 5 and three and they just had my little grandson, Jacob about 3 weeks ago. I had to be out of town for a week to go to my SIL's funeral in Louisiana and had withdrawal of being with and seeing my grandbabies. I work full time and have an appointment on Tuesday to get results of a PET scan for yearly follow-up. I'm anxious to ge the results to know I'm ok. I pray, I'm ok. Take care ladies, we all just need peace and support.
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mbtsclw, I have prayers going up for you. I have my one year scans in about a month and am getting antsy when I allow myself to think about it. {{{HUGS}}}
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Mary and Barb - sending you both prayers for good test results. Wishing every one is NED. {{{{{{HUGS}}}}}} Amy Jo
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HIGS Maryjo ??....have I missed a new term of endearment. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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OMG hitting the wine early tonight Maryjo,, oops sorry AMYjo.
Isabella.
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I saw my GP yesterday, and managed to leave her on a bad note, as is usually the case. I am very near to changing practices now. Only thing that stops me is the GP has known me near on 30 years, and I am sure she doesn't really like me...you can sort of sense that sort of thing.
I went for results of orthopaedic Xray on my hip, which I had about 3-4 weeks ago. I was told it was just about certain I would need a hip replacement, but a new, never seen by me before young Dr jumped in, and looked over my notes, wiggled my leg in the air, and ordered the Xray 'before they went in' OMG were they going to 'go in' on and see what they found ? This is a third world country to be sure.
The Xray result said ball and socket joint 'good'....but they are now looking at GOUT ( well the equivalent medical term, which I have forgotten )...of the hip ?? I said this to my Dr and I think it turned her back up. She seems to get annoyed if I question anything, doesn't like to be argued with. Well, apparently you can get gout in the hip, but it is 'very rare' and comes out on the computer as 'pseudo gout' I am confused...and I am mad..they don't seem to be getting to the bottom of what IS wrong with my hip. Another thought I have had is could it be referred pain from my slipped discs ?? BUT the pain in the hip joint is pretty bad, very strong sharp pain, and in my back its a gnawing pain. I have to make an appointment now to see the orthopaedic surgeon. I need to find out if they are going to check out what IS the exact problem before they 'go in' and start rooting around !
Just before I left my GPs surgery I started to ask her for a review of my medication ( we have to have this every 4 months and I was due ) All it takes is check my blood pressure, and say its OK to stay on the same medication I have been on now for 7 years ! No change, but she wouldn't do it. She told me, very sharply, that the appointment that was just drawing to a close had been about my Xray, I had had my time (I hadn't I still had 4 minutes left if I wanted to be bloody minded ) and only ONE problem at a time could be discussed....and would I make another appointment for my medication review. I was spitting fire as I drove home, it takes 2 weeks to get an appointment to see her again, and by then my tablets will have run out. Not bothered about anything but my Arimidex....shall just have to eek out my remaining 9 tablets to last me 14 days. DD says make a formal complaint, but I don't like confrontation. I think I shall just quietly leave the practice. Don't anyone come to UK on holiday and get ill !!!!!
We put our clocks forward an hour tonight, its the start of summer time. I shalln't be going to bed until about 2 am, when it'll suddenly become 3 am, and I need to be up and watching a big motor race on TV at 6am....which means I shall have about 3 hours sleep...I shall be like a bear with a sore head tomorrow !
Isabella.
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So Isabella what does that mean? You have gout and can fix it without surgery? Maybe my pea brain didn't get it but that is GREAT news if so! Wowser!
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Evening everybody. My goodness, we've been busy posting, well, except for me. I got laid low by a stomach bug Thursday in the middle of the night, lasted part of Friday (when DH also got felled) and finally came up for air today. I thought I was all better and went out to the grocery store today, then this afternoon I got a fever. Now I think taking care of a sick GS 4 days last week caught up with me! So, I didn't go to a talent show at church that the youth are sponsoring tonight (fund raiser) and I was looking forward to it because they're having desserts! Well, I also wanted to see DH in the men's synchronized swimming "event"! That'll be a hoot, with older guys wearing shorts, muscle shirts, and swim goggles, set to the music of 2001, Space Odyssey.
Barb, sorry about the Gators today! What a game that was, up for grabs all the way. My game comes on tomorrow, the Tarheels, and I'm trying to have good thoughts!
Will hopefully catch up with all the new people tomorrow evening. I love this thread!
Kathy
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Thanks, Kathy. I am bereft.
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isabella,....hope you can go w/o surgery on your hip. I know regular gout doesn't warrant surgery, but have no idea what psuedo-gout is. there are some good meds out there for gout. So sorry your doc is such a schlep, kick her to the curb....you deserve better. The States are trying to enforce the type of medicine your docs have there, I do hope they are unsuccessful.
kathy....so sorry you got the stomach bug and am glad that you are wise enough not to go out with that fever. Is DH better?
gentle hugs.........
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Isabella please find a new doctor. There is no good reason for you to have to put up with this sort of treatment for THIRTY YEARS. Find a Doc you actually have respect for and who shows you the same. You deserve better than what you are getting.
Our 33 anniversary was yesterday, I have a nice bouquet nearby. My DH has a bad cold or something. he is coughing like crazy and can't speak since last tuesday. He had a biopsy on Wednesday for prostate illness, we will know the result next wednesday.I hope he is all well, he is younger then me so I am hopeful.
I go to MO in April for HI meds and hopefully they will take out the port. I don't like feeling like the Doc is hedging her bets and leaving it in in case I recure or have a distant recurance. Maybe I have it wrong but it feels bad to me.
I am haviong a heck of a time trying to keep up with this thread or learning new names. I will try but I sure ly will miss news and new posts.
Laters GInger
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Isabella, I hope you can get your doc's attention & respect, or a new one. You've been in the queue for awhile now.
Thinking of all who are waiting results, for appointments, for tx, and sending best wishes. Ginger, I hope you and DH are both well! AmyJo, you too. QCA, ditto!
Barb, I had my bloodwork already (all ok), but the 1-yr mammo is mid-April, too. No doubt the week before, I'll be about to crawl out of my skin. One good thing is I'll get the mammo one day, and results at the office visit the next day.
We've had rain, snow, slush, snow, rain, and wind all day. More tomorrow, then supposed to be a week clear. Once the snow melts, we can begin to clean up the tree-litter and debris and start getting ready for spring.
Best to all.0 -
Well as usual, while I slept things have just rocketed along......wow! Welcome to those new girls who have popped their head in a decided to stay!
Isabella, I would definitely report that doc as she has endangered your life by not reviewing you meds and now you will run out!.......not a good at all! Is it possible that when you ring for another appointment that you stress the fact that you meds are almost done and perhaps you can get in a bit earlier? Worth a try any way. Good luck with the Ortho!
Happy Anniversary Ginger!!!! Hope your DH starts to get some answers soon re his illness and I hope his cold clears up too.
Kathy, I LMAO re your DH and the s/swimming to 2001 a space odyssey. My imagination ran wild as tht's the sort of thing I used to choreograph when I was involved with the Scout Gang Shows. Sorry you had to miss the spectacle!
mbt (Mary), hope your scans show everything clear for you. (((((hugs)))))
When it comes to our children, no matter what age they are, when we are Dx'd with BC, they immediately fear the worst and for some reason, the worst never leaves their mind even if we are hearty and healthy. As we all know, children behave in a certain manner when their security is threatened and no matter how old they are our Dx is a threat to their percieved security. But, no matter what their behaviour or the reason for it, respect should always be first and foremost. Somewhereinbetween, this journey is a harsh one for all concerned but for now, until you have fully come to terms and found peace of mind you are allowed to be percieved as selfish as this is afterall a very selfish disease. I do hope that you can perhaps sit your girls down and talk and come to some agreement on what is expected of them at this time of your greatest need. (((((((hugs))))))
My goodness, if I answer everyone I will be here all day and there would be no room for anyone else to post so I will say, to each and everyone, hope you are all feeling well and happy.
Love n hugs. Chrissy
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Just saw this and wanted to share
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Beautiful Lisa! That truly is a new perspective!
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That doctor obviously wants to get rid of YOU!! That is not the way universal healthcare is supposed to operate. Maybe your new disease of bc makes her uncomfortable and you are now out of her league....
I have had a doctor sit and hold my hand while I cry. That is health care. I've had them phone me at home! (Just last week!) That is healthcare. I have received HUGS from doctors!! That is beyond healthcare.
Pushing you out without all your questions answered is despicable!!! IMHO
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Barb, how are your beautiful grandsons?
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