Single life after a mastectomy
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Hi formydaught ........reading your post, you have been a devoted mother to your daughter, life was busy for you working and enjoying your time with your daughter, maybe you were too busy at that time to have a relationship and the two of you was enough.....then with your dx you had to go through treatment and get well, while also thinking of your daughter, you should be so proud for what you have come through,
It is still very early days for you, you are still healing, you will know when you are strong enough to maybe think about a friendship or relationship, pamper yourself and have some treats just for you, you deserve to find happiness, xx
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Welcome formydaughter. I think I have seen you on some other threads we share in common. Glad you joined and we have a great group of ladies of various ages, some never married (like me), some divorced, some getting divorced, etc. We talk about all kinds of things here from the single woman perspective! We hope you like it here with us!
I am 2 1/2 years out from dx and 2 years from tx, and yet to go on a date. I think when I do, it will be something simple for awhile like coffee, a movie, etc. I think it will take me a long time to want to even try to be intimate with someone again. With the right man, it will be less scary though.
Milky- I am not sure what that blood test is but so sorry to hear you are going in for scans. I will keep you in my prayers for everything to be fine here and nothing of concern found. Let us know what you hear as you wish to share. Hugs sister.
BB- I am sorry it is still hard for you to quit smoking. I know that is keeping you from getting the surgery you are wanting to schedule. Hugs to you as well.
Kasa- thanks for popping back in. After years of helping sick family and then being sick myself with two very serious things in 2012, I am now putting myself first for the first time in my adult life. Reading, playing music, cooking healthy food, hanging out with fun friends, exercising my body are all things I fully indulge in these days.
Enerva, Life, June, and everyone else here, hope your week is going okay.....
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Milkyway - I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Please let us know the results of the bone scan and ultrasound. I know... the waiting is the worst part. I hope you find that your doctor is being overly cautious and that those tests show that all is well. Sending you a big {{{{HUG}}}}.
BB - Sorry you're being put through such a mess by your ex, too. My bad habit is food - "comfort food." Eating too much is how I deal with stress. And that's not good, either. I wish I were addicted to something else, like exercise...
Kaza - Glad to see you're sticking around. As for dating, I just don't see myself ever meeting my soulmate. But I would hate to see anyone else here give up on meeting someone special.
Formydaughter - Welcome. My youngest was 9 when I was diagnosed, and all I could think about was how I wanted to be around for my children. But, even when we're married or have a partner, we might not receive the support we need or want. Sometimes the husband or boyfriend is cheating while the woman is fighting BC. I'm in the middle of a divorce now.
Jazzy - I hope you had a good day with the snowy weather.
Enerva, June - Hope all is well.
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Life- just been flurries here the past day or so. We had some nice snow Sunday night and supposedly snowing up in the four corners area tonight, and more coming through the week. After being spoiled with mild weather for most of Feb, winter has returned.
I have three busy days coming up and will pop back here when I can. Wishing everyone here better days....
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thank you ladies! Good point on a less than supportive partner. I watched Decoding Annie last night... And I kept thinking well, her DH is a meth dealer, I guess we can't expect much out of him. Lol. (The actor playing her hubbywas also in Breaking Bad.)
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BB- I do believe in the power of manifestation. For me it includes doing the meditation every day and the positive internal messages to say "I deserve good work, people in my life, health, etc." and then I get out into the world and am open to receive things as I network, meet with folks, etc. I have the first of three important meetings for my consulting biz beginning this afternoon, and continuing into next week. I am telling myself that I deserve to do the kind of work I want to do for good people at my going hourly rate.
I do think our negative thoughts only bring on more negative in our life. I know it has been true for me in my most challenging times in life. I was working in a very negative situation for a client the past few years with unreasonable deadlines, and abusive program leaders, etc. The work came for me at a time I needed it, and also gave me some flexibility during my end of bc treatment. But emotionally and mentally, It did not have a positive effect on me. I went through something like this before with this same client and know their MO, so in the future, if I go back, it will only be for certain people and not for a long period. I really feel done with that for now (although I may have to go back again some day for more work), but in 2015, I am reconnecting with people who value me as well as meeting new people who do as well. It may very well be this lesson with this client may be done, but time will tell......
So I encourage you to change the internal conversation to focus on saying to yourself that things have been difficult for awhile, you are coming through them and doing the best you can every day. And open to better things. It takes some practice and some effort behind it to change our lives. Just keep trying every day and then one day, it will shift.
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good advice Jazzy. Years ago I made the decision not to harbor ill will, hatred or negative thoughts about others, especially those who wrong me. At first it was tough. I didn't want to forgive or move in parallel (not head on meeting /responding to the behavior) But then it became part of my day and boy did I feel a big rock taken off my burden. I feel like Elsa from Frozen...."let it go..." I need to translate the thought process into how I deal with cancer.
Just finished appt. #1 with the acupuncturist, deeply relaxed/sleepy. Helped some with pain, but she was more concerned about my digestive system (which I've been ignoring). Eastern medicine staple philosophy to fix the gut. I'm learning. Will eat rice soup and go back next week.
Yes, BB -Annie is on Netflix - learned about it in the posts above. Great rec. Surprisingly, I found it uplifting a bit.
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Formydaughter- it is both the negative feelings about others, which I usually don't hold on to, and those which we direct to ourselves. I am pretty quick to forgive and let go (although I won't let that person hurt me again either), and rare to hold a grudge. I used to be much more angry and vindictive in my younger years, but had some heard lessons about that too. I am glad to be old and wise enough now to see people as they are. Like Maya Angelou always said "when someone shows you who they are, believe it!"
That being said, I think the negative thought patterns that are more harming are the ones we have about ourselves. We all have all taken a big hit emotionally and physically with the bc dx and tx. Some here have lost relationships with their spouses or others as a result too, or even some friendships too (my case). I am trying not to let my bc either define me. It is just part of my story. But I am still very cautious when it comes to the opposite sex.
Good to hear acupunture is helping. I have a friend in chemo right now and she swears by it. Really helping her with the SE's around chemo too. I am a fan of massage therapy and go this Friday for an hour......
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BB- love that and so right on!
TGIF folks. Busy but good week, and think I may have found some new work! Will know next week for sure.
Woke up to 3-4 inches of snow this morning! Winter is back, but it is okay, we need the moisture. The snow pack is our water supply and our winter snows are very important here in the desert.
Off to get a haircut/highlights/brows done. I have to look good for my award next week, if I get it. I won't know until the event though......
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love all the quotes...thanks for sharing.
i think i am the type tends to hold grudges and not willing to forgive. i am better don't get me wrong but i think by nature i don't have the bigger person personality....
it takes a while for me to get over the hurt ppl caused....but i do learn letting go of the negative feeling is also a new freedom that i just let life unfold on its own. at the end of the day...it doesn't matter. friendships don't have to be perfect.
milky - my MO told me the blood test aren't always accurate and it causes unnecessary stress to her patients...so she doeesn't do blood tests and she doesn't do scans which has a lot of radiations. so she just told me to pay attention to my body...if there's some persistent pain...then she'll do a scan.
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Hi ladies, just love all the quotes,
BosumBlues, i agree anger is so much better than sadness, in helping us move on.
hi to juneping,
Jazzygirl, enjoy your hair appointment, i find it so relaxing
formydaught...pleased you are feeling relaxed after your treatment
if i have forgotton anyone hug to you
i am enjoying a few days off at the moment, although just started Tamoxifen , feeling very tired, i will see how i go on it
kazax
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heading downstate for my DD's dance competition. Riding with friends. The girls will have some pool time around the competition. We plan on group dinner with sushi. Will be good for me to be out and socializing. Roads are clear today too.
Have a great weekend everyone
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Oh lord people, I used to be SO angry and vindictive when I was younger. I was on a mission to get revenge when I was wronged. And then, at one point, I realized I did not need to spend my precious time and energy on that, but to learn from it and move on. And no matter what, not put myself in the same situation again. If I did, then I was super angry with myself. Anger at one's self can be the worst of all.
Getting over hurt can take me days, weeks, months, years or even decades. Loss is loss and we never know how we will feel until something happens. Some things cut deeper. Betrayals of trusted friends and lovers the worst. But I won't let the pain keep me hostage anymore. Forgiveness to me is letting go of my feelings about it, but it is not saying what happened was okay.
Most of the people who have wronged me never cared about me in the first place and have thought little to nothing about me since. That is where anger can hold you hostage.
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It looks as if we've all struggled with anger. For a long, long time, anger would eat me up inside. I didn't even realize what the anger was doing to me. People see me as a quiet, easygoing person, and the truth is that I could handle a lot (at least I thought I could). But, the anger would build up inside me.
So, when I was diagnosed, I decided to get that anger under control. I had to make a big change. I realize that for many of you, meditation works. That's great for you. It works for other people I know, too. But it doesn't work for me. For me, a return to church was the only change that helped. I'd been away from it for 30 years, and I felt silly returning. But, eventually, I came to feel comfortable there.
I think prayer and meditation are very closely related in that we're forcing ourselves to stop for a moment and listen and think. Yes? With prayer, I force myself to focus on the positive (the "blessings"), instead of being so angry about the negative. So, I think there's a common thread there somewhere.
But, recently, I stopped praying, and I've been sliding back into "angry mode." Especially with this divorce. ;-) So, I need to get my thoughts and feelings back on track again.
Have a great weekend, everyone. :-)
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Life- I do believe anger can make us sick, it lowers our immunity and that is when cancer can get a foot in the door. You were wise to see what it was doing to you.
I would imagine that with all you are going through with the divorce you would be having lots of anger feelings. I think it is also good to let yourself feel angry when it comes up, but not hang on to it. I can chew things to pieces given the opportunity and have to just tell myself to stop. I find with anger, sometimes it is the feeling of needing to be right in a situation vs. being at peace. Now I chose the later.
It's still snowing here! Close to midnight and a good 5 inches on the ground. Second round of the storm that started thursday night and brought another wave that began around 2 p.m. yesterday.
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Jazzy, it sounds as if the snow left the east coast and has moved west to you. No snow where I am right now. All that white fluffy stuff is pretty when it first covers the ground. So, enjoy it for now. Just think... spring is right around the corner.
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What I am waking up to this morning!
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BB- very true about anger going inward into depression. That is why letting yourself feel it is important.
I think women are told it is not okay to be outwardly angry. My father had a bad temper, and I goot mine from his. I come from a long line of "ragaholics" and just did what I knew until I realized it was a learned thing and how to deal with it in better ways. Sometimes things can really set me off so easily still, and I have to catch myself. I think not being alllowed to express our anger is why so many women have depression, because they are not allowed to express their anger.
What is the line between healthy anger, too much anger, and not expressing it and getting depressed? Hard to know.
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About anger that I have a long history of it. My dad has a very bad temper and I got it from him.
Small things that usually don't bug my sister but it bugs me. Like ppl don't move along in a long bathroom line. So one time my sis brought it up and she said I was already doing everything to be healthy and what's the point of it if I don't control my anger. I gave it some thought and she's absolutely correct. So I leanred yo let the small stuff go. It's not that the ppl being right or not annoying but it's for my health benfits.
It's not easy.....
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June- interesting we have the same history with our angry fathers and learning it from them.
My sister had bc at the same time I did, which I think most of you know. She has not learned how to manage her anger ever, and I can sometimes find myself the target of her "ragaholism". She has had depression in the past too, and think she just swings that pendulum from out of control anger to depression a lot.
I have seen it in other people two who have told me they have depression problems and will come out of nowhere with verbal attacks about things that have nothing to do with you. You tend to do what you know and I have had friends through the years who mimic family behaviors.
I realize perhaps my father was depressed and that could have been his story too. He was not always angry, most of the time very charming and fun to be around, but then something would set him off and then watch out! My mother had known depression, but was not as outwardly ragy. I have learned through the years that anger has many faces.
I had a bad experience last summer with someone who I had become friends with who confessed she was depressed and seeing a therapist. We had known each other for awhile and went on a trip together and she was just so horrible to me. It was like night and day with her on that trip, and I was so glad to get away from her at the end. I felt like her punching bag the whole time. The friendship ended after that. I accepted she had ALOT going on emotionally, but she was a new friend and just more than I could deal with. I hope she is getting the help she needs through her counseling. I am no one's punching bag....
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It's interesting what you're all saying about learned behavior...
My temperament is much like my father's, too. He was laidback and easygoing. It was very rare that he became angry. But, when he did become angry, you stopped to listen. ;-) Because you knew that, if he exploded, something major must've happened. LOL. As a matter of fact, there were only a few times that I remember him being angry, and all of those times were very scary, just because you rarely saw him angry. LOL.
Most people tell me that I'm very quiet. On the rare occasion that I lose my temper, people do seem shocked.
At home, I raise my voice more often. But, usually I'm just being stern with my kids, getting them to move in the right direction.
Since we're talking about anger, I assume we're talking about "rage" - the type of anger that is destructive.
P.S. (Milky and Enerva, if you're out there, please check in. Hope all is well.)
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Life- I think we are talking about the gammit of anger. The rage behavior is the worst expression of it. I can handle it when people get angry with me. I cannot handle it when people explode at me and make me feel unsafe.
I am pretty go-with-the-flow and people are surprised when I get angry. But they pay attention when I do. It does take a lot for me to get really upset.
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I've not been angry. Depressed, yes. When I was younger I got mad/irritated at little things (like waiting in line). But it's been years. My biggest change was having a baby. It took the fight out of me. My job - I get paid to have people argue with me. They resort to petty personal attacks and try to gain any advantage at your expense. I used to have the stomach and passion for meeting it head on and coming out ahead - ethically taking a higher road. But after having a baby, I no longer could stand it. I didn't want confrontation - I avoided it in my personal life and no longer wanted it in my professional life. Saw no point to the added stress and really couldn't handle it. This became magnified with BC. Now I feel stuck - bills to pay including health of course andstudent loans that got me to my career, but wanting a change. I need to find something less stressful. And my career is no longer a successful one given a geographic move I made for family and my lack of passion for it. For my health and sanity I need a change. Depression and anxiety are too much. And I'm physically healing, which leaves not enough energy for the job. Just thinking about work sets me in a tail spin. But it doesn't feel like my depression and anxiety originated with anger. Feelings of inadequacy or fear, perhaps. I wish I could afford a therapist.
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i think the anger i was talking about was more like resentment....not so about rage. to me rage is more like wanting to breaking something or yell at someone.
formydaughter - i don't know if anyone of us here is a therapist but it's good to just let it out and talk about it here. the book i kept mentioning (Anticancer)...it mentioned there was a support group and the women bonded over the year...and they actually lived a longer life compared to the other group without the support system. this is a nice platform we just come here and share.it's nice to just connect.
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jazzy - i don't know if it's depression or just lack of social courtesy....it's just rude to lash out on another human being. hope she didn't keep a pet....
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June- you are probably right about the social courtesy. She did have pets too, a gigantic dog and a couple cats.
She had few friends when I met her. I think I found out why. Live and learn.
I am glad to be heading into March! Next weekend is Daylight Savings here in the US (Enerva do they do it too in Canada?) I know they do it in Europe, I was there once in the fall with the time change but it was a different weekend than in the US, usually earlier. I love when the evening light starts coming back. It is now dark here by 6-ish and next Sunday, it will be more like 7 p.m.
Formydaughter- many of us here are trying to change our work. Enerva is working towards a FT real estate career and I am still working as a consultant, and enjoy my work, but have had a pretty bad experience on my last big contract with one of my major client sites. My client told me she did not have any major consulting budget for this year, so I know I won't be asked back again for awhile. I am not sure I will ever go back really. I had this experience with them once before and did not work for them for six years.
What do you do for work? What would you like to do? Any transferable skills?
Milky, Enerva, Kasa, BB, hope you are all doing okay.
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We all might be talking about the same emotion and behavior. What one person sees as extreme anger (or rage) might just be plain old regular anger to someone else. Anger can be very destructive. On the other hand, IMHO sometimes it can be constructive (such as when we have to stand up for ourselves or other people).
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Life- exactly! Anger can be the teacher to tell us something is wrong, and motivate us to action. I remember the old adage about turning anger into action. That is where it helps us to speak up for ourselves and others.
But the un-managed anger, people just pissed off at life and looking to take it out on others is what I try to avoid.
Happy March. Hope everyone has a good Sunday!
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