Single life after a mastectomy
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Hi ladies- well I wrote another post about the whole "friendship thing" last night in response to some of the things you shared, then submitted it and got the message they were doing maintenance. UGH. So here we go again.
So on the subject of friendships, whether it is storing tires or just having a simple birthday lunch, I often wonder why friends need to make it so hard? Life surely has enough trials without our friends throwing even more stuff at us to deal with. But this is where I am growing and changing. Any relationship in life should be mutually beneficial, whether it be with a customer and a business, in a love relationship, between 2 friends. Sometimes one may need more from the other, and that is to be expected. I really stopped after my bc to see who was sticking around, staying in touch, etc. whether they knew what was going on with me or not. I learned a lot from observing that too. We all deserve quality relationships in our lives. It is up to each of us to decide what that looks like, right?
I have always had a very good network of friends in my life. As I have gotten older, I realize the people I used to call friends are often business colleagues who you might like to socialize with on occasion, or people you share a common interest with like sports or music. I have music friends, yoga friends, travel friends, writing friends, IT/tech friends, etc. But will say the "true friends" can be counted on 1 hand. Those are the people who keep in touch with you on a regular basis to say hi, check in, pose the occasional invite (or you do for them). My single girlfriends who live here (or elsewhere) and are more independent like me are just easier. I love those friends, we are all on the same page. We can have the best of fun together, or just show up to help one another, no questions asked.
Where I have a harder time is with friends whom are more inclined to contact you when they want something, they are mad at their family, or the family has left them adrift somehow. Often times not single (although they can be), and usually contact you when there spouse is away, they are mad at the family, etc. I call those people as seeking "gap filling friends." There is less of a true interest in a connection than there is a need to not be alone. None of this is good or bad, but perhaps just different priorities in the end?
BC has changed me in so many ways. But I will tell you I have moved away from a few people (and vice versa) since going through this. People I feel I just don't have anything in common with anymore (or whom don't really care anyways), or want you to be the one doing the work to keep things going. As I have reduced my playing field, I have found more quality in the relationships I have. Many of the friendships I have now were deepened during my healthcare crisis with the ones that showed up. And like June says with our thread here, a no judgement zone but a place we try to support one another.
I love all you ladies! Thanks for e-listening once again.
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BB- yes, call your best friend in LA! I am writing a letter back to my BFF back east this afternoon.
Old friends know us the best, they have seen all our joys and struggles and know who we are and perhaps why we are the way we are too. I talk to my BFF usually once a month, one or the other calls to check in. We talked around Easter and had a wonderful catch up.
I hope you too have a good chat!
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BB- I am with you on that about judgement. The people who judge others the most have the biggest skeletons in their closet. I have some people in my family who are huge with this. You don't have to agree with everything people say or do, I know I certainly don't, but you don't get to say what you think either every time either. I have learned if people want to know my take on something, they may just ask me!
The friend actually told me during a phone conversation, but sort of around the situation of the ruptured appendix I went through. She was telling me about a woman who worked at the company where we worked (where this card group originates from) who was being treated for cancer and had a ruptured appendix. She was telling me she could not believe that happened to someone else, but I told her my PCP said the appendix is tied to the immune system and the immune system is struggling when cancer is going on. I guess the woman had it burst and did not feel it, sort of what happened with me but also different. Then she mentioned she told them about me.
I said "told them about me, what did you tell them about me?" She told them I had a ruptured appendix. I was shocked, and then went after her with the fact I asked her to keep my health issues confidential. She said "well, I told myself to shut up." Not I am sorry, not I made a mistake, please forgive me. She could have shared the story without using my name. But there you go. I re-iterated my health is not up for gossip at her card game. And I also said "so it is a card group or just a place where people come together to talk %$(&$ about other people's deep personal problems?" She knew I was very angry. I really think things were over for me then. I am just finalizing it now. And some day someone will do that to her, since we know she hangs with the gossipers and there is always that karma thing. I stopped really sharing anything from that point forward.
Ha, reading that makes me feel like those people are all in high school.
Once someone shows you who they are, believe it.
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BB - I don't think love is all about timing. But just those relationships worked out are timed the best.
Those unforgettable moments and those touched us the most moments are for us to treasure and I don't believe just because we didn't work out ir we live in diff cities meaning our relationships were less meaningful.
A lot of ppl married just bc there's a person there. Be there a biological clock be there loneliness. I don't believe every married couples were married for love. Not for a sec
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I was in a movie 10 years ago with a friend here who is a documentary maker. It is about marriage, and I was interviewed from the perspective of never married. There were three of us, one woman in her 50's and said she would never do it, I said I would if the partnership felt right (in my 40s now, not really thinking about it much anymore), the third woman also in her 40s SO wanted to be married.
Funny, I was just watching a clip of it. I learned going through that process with her film and meeting other people along the way showed me all the reasons why do marry and what they discover along the way.
It is really interesting to listen to people with arranged marriages. There is no pretense going into it that you will be in love, but it could happen. It is very much a financial arrangement (and think it is in the US too....)
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jazz here we are for you, it seams this hurt you and you have every reason to be upset. I have to say I hide my bc till the end I pushed everyone away. I didn't even have this site. I was in my bedroom most times cuz I couldn't handle when mom would look at me and ask me if I was ok yer eyes told me she knew I wasn't ok. I must say I became more and more unfriendly and only those who really care understood this was something I needed to deal with alone. They try until they all stopped and I was left alone to deal with it. I now feel like it was the only way I could have survived what I had to live through. My sisters and my mom were all I had and I did not share anything with anybody else. I totally agree that some people from high school who are our friends still they kind of know us well. My girlfriend who lives in Denver even though we are very different we manage to somehow respect ech other wishes and I listen to her vent and she does the same. I must be honest I try not to vent to her much cuz she tends to tell me what to do and I can't stand that either hahahaah so you see here even though we don't know each other we are here with no judgment and I now feel that is true friendship.
There were people who I care for so much and lost them and I felt empty for a wile but somehow I started to liking not having friends. Don't get me wrong I just now like to meet once in a wile but I cant take a friend that expect to see me every weekend or often it gets in my nerves lol
Now I must share with you this.
I got a text from my girlfriend s hubby. Saying " I have a friend looking for a house in Mississauga " can you help?
Right away I smell this is a setup. Cuz I didn't not meet them last Saturday when they invited me to dinner to introduce me to one of his buddies.
Anyway. I responded: " sure give them my info, I am extremely busy with school, work and trying to do open houses, but I can defenetly help your friends.
He says:" his name is, X,X,,X,X single, he is a guy I want you to meet and now I found out he is looking to buy a house. Can u help?
Ok so no to be rude. I said " lol ok that is a funny last name, sure I can try to help him to look for a house but I am not interested on dating anybody. I am busy with too much and can't be bother meeting him if he is looking for a date. I am able to send him information regarding properties if he is really in need of a realtor. Other than that thanks but no thanks.
He then send me a phone #.
I said. Have a great week and hope you two enjoy riding this coming weekend. I am still not sure I ll do long rides till after my exam.
Say hi t o xxxxx(his wife my friend)
Ok so what the hell? Honestly I will not message the guy. If he wants he can give him my # I have no mood to meet men.
Last weekend when my ex came to help me with the bike I told my girlfriend that he came and ended up fixing my bike. She got piss cuz she does not want me to go back with my ex. I told her that won't happen I am not going to.then the next day her and her husband invited me to go out to pool 🎱 and wings I said no I wanted to just stay in and study. She didn't say why she was insisting so much but I could tell it's cuz she Wanted me to meet one of her hubby s friend .
I Am sorry but I am not in the dating game anymore .I am not looking and my freaking life sucks as it is I have no intention of complicating my life more.
So now am I nuts? Or irrational ? Why can people leave me be .?
Why married people must find me someone ? Why don't they focus on their marriage and stop thinking about poor single friend we must find her a Single guy.
Crap crap crap
Sorry jazz I had to vent too lol
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I've always wanted to get married but after C I am not sure.
I would love the companionship but being with someone 24/7 is kind of odd. I enjoy my solitude but I also want the deep interaction with another person
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ha ha ha June I hear you I am just to deep in stress these days and I am angry inside, it must be depression I am upset about what is happening to me at work and the fact that I have no money to just quit. I honestly need my life to pick up another road but I don't want a man now. I saw my ex last week I stared at him. He looks older now and he is still so into his invention projects and so forth then I realized I am better off alone. I don't know how to explain it I must be depressed. I am under so much stress mentally I am not in a good place to go meeting a single man who may have his own issues lol the way I see it I was no born to be a mother and nor a wife so I must try to be a good single one. Yes I must be depressed figures lol
I saw a movie yesterday evening on HBO aboutvthis old man who was been taken to court due to the building code of his home no been proper or something and the seniors were a couple. The lady had alz so he had to care for her too.
I looked at it and wonder how is it I never met the one. Lol then I smile and told myself I bet I am better off lol
See this is who I am now a 41 year old who is content single and alone.
Who wish she could just quit her job and move north far from the entire city and all lol
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E - oh 41....you're so young. i just turned 43.....
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Enerva- ugh, your friends trying to fix you up. Do you think the guy may really be wanting to find a house tough? I would hate to see you loose a sale dues to ulterior motives.
Most the people I know finally stopped trying to fix me up. Perhaps now that I am in my 50s, they figure, oh well, not going to happen. But when I was younger (your age), I had people doing it all the time. I think you let them know you are not looking to date right now. Unfortunately, people think somehow we just flip a switch and go back to what we were before. We are different people now.
Well some good news on the friend front. My friend going through chemo for another kind of cancer had to delay finishing her chemo treatments, as her blood work tanked, but she is finally able to continue and they gave her a shot of Neulasta to be able to cope better with some of the SEs from the chemo. We talked tonight and she had her 5th infusion today and hopes to be wrapping up with treatment in May now. She sounds really good, it was a bit tough for her the past few weeks and I kept in touch with her and she wanted to just give up on chemo each time we talked, but kept encouraging her to talk to her MO. Now she has a better plan to get through this. I am so glad to see her moving forward.
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june you are very young too. I am just like you cuz years is nothing.
June keep positive you may still find that special person. I am just tired of it all. I am so stupid I can't even think of been involved with another man. I miss my stupid ex and I gave up on all men in general haha ha every man I care for let me down one way or another and I never met someone whom could love me back the way I love them. So it's like I had enough of that now I built a strong wall and I have no intention of let in the guard down.
But I am happy it's all ok not happy these days due to my job and stress but happy to still be here so we will see what's next.
Keep searching for the companion he may just be around the corner.
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jazzy - sigh...i never had ppl set me up with anyone. oh except this woman tried to set me up with her ex....i couldn't help but thought of a pic of them having sex.
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Enerva and June- you gals are young, you have much ahead of you and think the right person can come along. I encourage both of you (and anyone else) to stay open. Because it can happen.
Most of the people that people have tried to fix me up the past 10 or so years are not people I have anything in common. In most cases, the women were interested in the men themselves and that was really obvious, but those same women were married, in relationships, etc.
You can meet someone anywhere. In a gallery, at the coffee shop, riding bikes with friends (Enerva), in the meditation group (BB), at Whole Food (June).
Everyone deserves to be loved.
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i don't know....i don't want to be disappointed.
i am talking to my ex now......i don't know what we are. but we spend some time together. but he's still the same - want to be alone most of the time. i don't know what i want out of this....i just want to talk to someone, have someone to hang out, have some meaningful discussion other than my own problem.
sometimes i wish i can endue being alone and no need for friend....then i can be self sufficient...this way i won't be disappointed or feeling gets hurt.
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i think i am feeling bit negative today....ate a half bag (big bag) of chips...
feeling so stuffed.
and we were talking about social security and 401K....why are we paying SS and 401K at the same time. if the government is going to use up the SS, then why are we paying? and if i die before 65....do i get to use my 401K?
i am not gonna lie, i am kind of relieved not to think about retirement.....probably won't make it that far. i just want to live longer than my parents so i won't break their hearts. sorry....
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June- I think we all need some level of connection with people. It is just really hard to find sincere people sometimes. Lover or friends.
BB- I remembered now the friend I think you were asking about? The woman I know here who was sort of attaching herself to me? I have not seen her since Xmas. We were supposed to go walking last weekend but the winds were up so we did not go. I decided she was one of those people I could see 1-2X a year around our music connection and be fine. I really sensed she was looking for a BFF, but I was not the right person for that. She is a young mother, has a 4 year old, so our lives are really different. She kept telling me she wanted to "live vicariously through me" which felt weird.
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Enerva- and yes, I was hurt, am hurt and when that friend continues to not be cool to me, it brings it all up again.
I had to finally tell myself after 8 months, I am not getting past feeling okay with it. Because of the trust that was lost. I know we all struggle with the trust issues. But if you cannot trust someone who openly betrays a confidence, I don't really see a reason to have them in your life?
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oh hell yes forget about her. Jazz she did not respect your privacy. I am worse than you I would have ended long ago. You are such a nice person you try to worked out but it's clear you got hurt by this so no need to keep this friend. Let it go silent. When years go by you may feel better. I learn that time is my only medicine for hurt. When someone hurts my feelings it takes years to heal
Good night
Hope tmw the day passes fast
I still got no news from hr
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Enerva- sorry about the HR stuff. If you don't hear anything by end of the week, time to contact a labor atty (sigh).
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Oh and something about myself that is a blind spot I am still sometimes reminded of. I did a leadership class a few years back and had to ask some friends and colleagues what they thought were some of my strengths and weaknesses. One of my former bosses said I am so good at seeing the good in other people, that sometimes I don't see their not so good side. She saw me get blindsided by someone at our company who tried to use me to help her develop a program and then took it to the Board of Directors and took credit for the whole thing. I was shocked, my former boss was not.
Ha that did not work out so well for that woman though. After I left the org, she could not keep things going very well and then she got fired. You know, that karma thing, you do something to another and it comes back to you? She invited herself to a happy hour a few years back with another friend and tried to insinuate herself back into my life. But I just kept far away from that! She was not a friend, but a work person, but same thing. I sometimes get blind sighted.
Anyways, sometimes when I get mad about this stuff, it is more myself I am really mad at. I have known this woman for 10 years and probably had enough history to know she talks $(*% about people. If they do it about others with you, then they will do it to you also. I am not excusing what happened, I just need to pay better attention sometimes. Well, I will because I am a different person now who does watch, wait and see.
I am already feeling better about it. Thanks for listening guys. You are the best!
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hey all. sorry you are still having troubles enerva
Good news for me after tommorow morning I should know when my exchange will be!!! so over this TE!!
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Melp- good luck today and let us know how your apt goes. I know you are ready to get on to the next step here!
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I had my car in the shop for what I hope is the final repair today. The car is running well and purring like a kitten.
Some of my work opps have stalled again, the "we need someone right away and then nothing, but that is not uncommon in the contract/consulting world". I did some more follow ups today and waiting to hear back on those; the one around the work in PA, the other is the one here in town too). But that being said, something new came up that is high level and another one I may be able to work out to be remote and some travel. In California (easier travel from here) and could stop and see my sissy if it is in the right area.
Remaining hopeful here in the desert......
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jazzy....
sorry to ask (i sometimes missed a few days so you probably wrote about it already....)...do you prefer to do freelance? or you don't want to work in a 9-5 office?? just being curious...
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June- I prefer to freelance. It works better for me as a project manager. I have done it both ways through the years with my projects and with FT jobs. There is often overtime with some of the projects I do, and that way I am sure I get paid for that. Even with my freelance work, I am sometimes on site 8-5 for clients, and don't mind that. I try to just be on site Mon-Fri so I can take care of other business things and personal apts on Fridays.
The other part about doing freelance as a project manager is being able to pick the types of projects you do. When you work for a company and do them, you get stuck with whatever they give you whether it has enough funding, resources, support, etc. There are always a lot of surprises along the way, but projects that are not well supported will fail and the PM is always blamed. I won't be that girl anymore!
I think since shifting my focus to out of state work, something will be coming soon. There is no good work here locally, at least right now.
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hi ladies!
finished with my surgeon a while ago. Likes how my right te is looking said its excellent. My op is marked as category two which means it will be done within three months!! Happy i have a timeframe
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Hi ladies .i have two exams on friday so busy doing preparation .weather is getting better have to do some gardening long list of things to do .i have to do my field placement this summer i was avoiding it because i was busy in surgeries .
good night
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Melp- congrats on having a time frame to finish your recon. So good to have a finish line ahead of you! I hope you are feeling well too?
Milky- good luck with the exams and hope the summer plans come together for you. I am gardening too. There is a gardening thread here if you want to join? And also, love what you shared about not explaining ourselves. You are very right about that.
Enerva, June, BB, Lily, Kasa, Life, Piper and all the rest here, wishing you a good day.
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