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Single life after a mastectomy

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  • bdavis
    bdavis Member Posts: 3,192
    edited January 2014
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    oh Tessa. So sorry. Give it time. It's amazing what time can do. 

  • Enerva
    Enerva Member Posts: 2,985
    edited January 2014
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    Tessa be strong and remember you can do this, if others overcame this so will you. When is your surgery? Try to focus in something else, something that will take your mind away. Its the only thing that helped me. 

  • Nel
    Nel Member Posts: 597
    edited January 2014
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    Hi ladies,

    I am jumping in here after  sort of stalking for a bit.  My story, I am 59, married for 30 years, two children 15 and 20.  I had been very unhappy for a number of years, counseling etc didn't work.  I was separated for about 6 months when I got bc diagnosis.   I have many friends and family who were there for me and my ex came to some appointments as well.  Just before my umx surgery almost 2 years ago, he had a major heart attack, no family in the area - so he came back home for 6 weeks to recover.  What a pair, my surgery and his heart attack.  His brother came and stayed for a few weeks to help out, and with my friends, we managed well.  What a poster family for some sort of dysfunction!   We discussed getting back together during that time, but by the end of the 6 weeks I was ready to loose my mind.  Back he went to his apartment.

    We finally finished mediation this summer and filed for divorce.  We have managed to "get along" through out, and made a commitment to our kids that they would never have to worry about us fighting in public or embarrassing them.  I can now say my peace if I am annoyed, let it go and move on.  It helps tremendously that I do not have to look at him sitting on the couch.   Short version of the story - went to court for divorce just before Christmas, judge didn't like mediated agreement, told us to get attorneys and come back.  Really!   She was favoring my ex or maybe some day ex.  Back to mediator, will tweak agreement and we just recently sold our home and the kids and I have moved, only 10 minutes, but a different county.  So back to court in the spring with a different judge. 

    So here I am almost 60, uniboober, cancer stage 4 (you would not know to look at me and I am doing well, but this can change on a dime) no reconstruction ( my decision, no need for elective surgery at my age) and single.  Two children, my 20 year old son - struggling to find his way.  History of substance abuse issues, much treatment and intervention and seems to be moving forward and a 15 year old daughter who is going thru her teen years as only a strong willed young woman can!    I am such a catch!!!

    So after two years of treatment, divorce and now having moved - I would like to have someone in my life.  This is how I describe what I am looking for - I want someone in my life, but not my house.  I want some joy and laughter, dinner, movies, etc and I am not adverse to benefits.   I struggle with am I worth caring about given my dx and one boob.  The cancer dx does mess with our heads.  It seems a lot to expect someone to make a commitment to me given my dx and what that can mean sort or long term, but in the meantime I want joy and laughter.  I have been on POF and there is one man I have met for lunch or drinks a few times, his wife died 2 years ago with bc, so this is loaded for him.  But we both seem to be looking for the same thing right now.  And a second man who just reappeared after 2 years - suspicious as he fell off the face of the earth with my dx.  I had seen him a few times, enjoyed his company, laughed a lot - so told him I would think on getting together and get back in touch if I decided to.   Where will this end, and will I get hurt, who knows.  But I am glad to know there are others dealing with similar issues.   I have brought up dating in a support group I go to and you would think I had 6 heads. 

    Moral of the story - there is life after divorce, you need to give it time, don't rush yourself  And yes how to manage the cancer dx in all of this an ongoing issue.


    Sorry I was so long

    Be well,

    Nel

  • Sharon1942
    Sharon1942 Member Posts: 96
    edited January 2014
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    You are never too old for reconstruction to make you feel whole again & never too old to look for a soulmate. I was on match.com at the time of my diagnosis & was contacted buy a guy. I told him I was taking myself off the market because of my diagnosis, & he wouldn't take no for an answer. We dated for a year, but there was no chemistry for me & now we are just friends. I was 69 when I got my DIEP. I just turned 71 & am almost finished with reconstruction. Just need some laser treatment for radiated area & scar. Nipple has shrunk but looks great with the tattoo. I am proud of my "rack" for my age - ha!  Plus flat tummy after 3 children. I plan to get back on match.com very soon!  You are only as old as you feel, & I feel young!  We all deserve to have someone to love & love us in return besides our kids & grandkids. I have been divorced twice - so I hope the third relationship is the charm.

  • grayeyes
    grayeyes Member Posts: 533
    edited January 2014
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    Nel - Thanks for sharing your story.  I hope you do find someone to love again.  :-)

    Sharon - That's what they say - the third one is the charm.

    Deb - Funny that you'd use the phrase "It is what it is."  That's the exact phrase my oncologist uses.  Whenever she would say, "It is what it is," I felt relieved.  That one line allowed me to let go of the feeling that somehow I was responsible for getting BC.  I find myself using that phrase all the time now.

    Tess - Stay strong!  Any guy who unfriends you at a time like this must be a total loser.           Having computer trouble, but wanted to wish all of you a happy new year. 
  • juneping
    juneping Member Posts: 634
    edited January 2014
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    happy new year everyone!!

    going to my oncologist appt later today....will know the result of the PET scan.

  • TessaW
    TessaW Member Posts: 148
    edited January 2014
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    Morning Ladies,

    I did apologize and surprisingly enough he did talk with me for a long time.  Unfortunately, txt gets misunderstood so often. 

    Nel, Glad you're here!  I like your description of what you're looking for.  " I want someone in my life, but not my house."  :lol That's perfect for so many people !  My gram turns 92 in two weeks and she's in the same spot.   I'm glad you've had some success on POF.  :)  I love that you're proud of your "rack" and flat tummy.  I hope I can get to that place after BMX where I'm proud of some part of my body again and brave enough to try dating.  Right now I'm half trying because I'm scared and want someone there for me, but can I really expect someone to date me when I'm a couple days out of BMX?   Pfft. about as much as expecting my latte to arrive by Brad Pitt riding a unicorn.  

    This is a great place with a lot of wonderful people who understand and will support you.  :)  Welcome.

    Sharon -

    You are never too old for reconstruction to make you feel whole again & never too old to look for a soulmate.   I love that outlook. I hope I can get to a place where I can remain that kind of positivity. It shows there's hope for me yet ! ;p

    Deb, I couldn't have said it better.  This SUCKS but thank you girls for all of your support when you don't know me from Adam.  I so appreciate everyone's time and help when we've never even met.

    <3

  • grayeyes
    grayeyes Member Posts: 533
    edited January 2014
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    Deb - "Whatever" is what my soon-to-be-ex would say all the time to me.  I love "It is what it is" and hate "whatever" for the same reasons.  (lol)

    June - Please keep us updated.  I may be away for a day or two, but will remember you in prayer.


  • juneping
    juneping Member Posts: 634
    edited January 2014
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    hi ladies,

    The pet scan came out clear..phew

    And waiting for the second opinion feb 4. So will probably start chemo in mid feb. Will do the ACT which is about 20 weeks treatment. I am sure I will take a vacation after all these.

    I think I will go with this oncologist bc the location is so much more convenient.

    I am going to enjoy the rest of the week and go to work next Monday.

    Btw, the snow is crazy in the NE...but I will go out to play with snow a little since I am at my friends house in NJ. It's gonna be fun.

  • bdavis
    bdavis Member Posts: 3,192
    edited January 2014
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    I am in NJ. Where are you?

  • juneping
    juneping Member Posts: 634
    edited January 2014
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    raritan...

  • juneping
    juneping Member Posts: 634
    edited January 2014
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    yes it is beautiful and peaceful here. 

    My friend is pampering me...Happy

  • grayeyes
    grayeyes Member Posts: 533
    edited January 2014
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    June - Glad to hear that the scan was clear.  :-)  It seems a whole bunch of us live in NJ.  The snow really hit us hard here.  Personally, I would love to live in a place without snow, but I do enjoy a cozy fire in the fireplace.  Enjoy your visit with your friend! 

  • Enerva
    Enerva Member Posts: 2,985
    edited January 2014
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    Deb, how is your face? i am curious too lol 

  • Enerva
    Enerva Member Posts: 2,985
    edited January 2014
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    Well Deb, it sounds as if you have a great PS mine didnt even agree on giving me the right size implant to be what i was before. I am happy you have a good one. I am sure he/she will be able to give you the results you deserve. I need to go back to work and let my body heal then see when i can have the other surgery with another ps who may fix me up.


  • Enerva
    Enerva Member Posts: 2,985
    edited January 2014
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    Deb, you are been to hard on yourself i am the same way my sister and others tells me its not so bad and i am now sad cuz i see it bad. I wonder if we are to hard on our selves but anyway i have seen worth so thats what i mean at least he is wiling to even do something for your face. He seams to be ok my ps on the other hand is more like Tessa' s PS its the kind that tell you to be grateful for been alive and not to expect to have back  our body the way it was. I do understand you. It must be difficult to do one side and then try to march the other breast, I hope your PS does a great job when time comes.

  • Enerva
    Enerva Member Posts: 2,985
    edited January 2014
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    lol You are entitle to the bonus, don' t let any body say the contrary :) I learn in this forums that we should get the bonus that just because we had bc it does not mean we should be toss aside. As long as we have each other support and information we should be able to  get some good PS to fix us up. Hey does anyone here knows when is Tessa s surgery? i haven't seen any of her post and wonder how she is.  

  • bdavis
    bdavis Member Posts: 3,192
    edited January 2014
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    Deb... I have to chime in about fat grafting to face... I wouldn't do it. Only 50% takes and you run the risk of a lumpy face. My PS won't touch the face. Anything below the neck, but not the face. Please proceed carefully there.

  • juneping
    juneping Member Posts: 634
    edited January 2014
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    deb,

    i agreed that don't touch your face. keep a healthy life style and exercise can help you thru this. i am sure you look great....we all feel a little weak after a surgery. give it some time. (((hugs)))

  • grayeyes
    grayeyes Member Posts: 533
    edited January 2014
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    I haven't tried the following website.  It looks new (started by breastcancer.org?).  I wish it existed when I was going through treatment.  Those of you going through treatment now might find it helpful:

    http://www.curediva.com/

    The website where I bought caps seemed to use models who were not bald.  You could see their hair hiding under the hats and scarves.  But, the above website (curediva.com) appears to use models who might be going through treatment themselves. 

  • TessaW
    TessaW Member Posts: 148
    edited January 2014
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    Oh my freakin word !   Seriously, what the frick is goin on with this black cloud following me?   First right before my surgery the speaker on my only phone AND speaker on my laptop go out.   Both places said I'd have to send them out and they'd be gone for a month.  Not gonna happen.   Then I LOST MY WALLET and everything in it.   Like not working for the next month I can afford to lose cash.  Not to mention the hassle of getting new cards, license, etc. 

    Then we are buried in snow and most cars aren't starting.  I have to be at the hospital at 5 for my injections of isotopes.  Ugh. THEN the hospital called and said my breast surgeon only scheduled removal of one breast but the plastic surgeon shows both.  WTH?   Seriously.

    Then they ask who'll be staying with me after surgery.   Pfft, try my 9 yr old son. 

    I'm freaking stressed out.

  • Nel
    Nel Member Posts: 597
    edited January 2014
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    Tessa,

    Good heavens, enough already   Gentle hugs and hopefully the rest of the day goes more smoothly!

    Thinking of you

    Nel

  • grayeyes
    grayeyes Member Posts: 533
    edited January 2014
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    Oh, Tessa...  When it rains, it pours...  doesn't it seem that way? 

    Sometimes the wrong information is recorded in hospital and office records.  There was some confusion about my last surgery, too.  Luckily, I spoke with the surgeon right before surgery and everything was cleared up. 

  • Enerva
    Enerva Member Posts: 2,985
    edited January 2014
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    OMG Tessa i was so worry about you. Hope all goes better soon. I called today i called my PS secretary they finally came back to their office. The secretary didnt seam happy to give me the information i needed but gave it so i was able to get Whipptmom s opinion. I also research and got a name of a great surgeon i will ask my family doctor this Friday to send out a referral request to see him. Anyway i am better i am just not going to look at my breast for a wile, need to let it heal then i will deal with it. In a way i am glad i am single cuz my self confidence went strait to the floor now.   

  • bdavis
    bdavis Member Posts: 3,192
    edited January 2014
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    Tessa... The upside is, you'll get a good nap during surgery.

  • juneping
    juneping Member Posts: 634
    edited January 2014
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    tessa - i was pick-pocketed too right before the surgery. tomorrow will be a better day. feel better

  • TessaW
    TessaW Member Posts: 148
    edited January 2014
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    Ugh, thanks girls.   I just had to vent.   I don't even know how I'll buy meds tomorrow since my insurance card was in the lost wallet along with all of my credit cards.

    I had the isotope injections at 5 today.  I have to be at the hospital at 5;30 am for the BMX.  I hope to God it turns out well. 

    Thanks so much for being here.

  • TessaW
    TessaW Member Posts: 148
    edited January 2014
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    Believe it or not, I still haven't packed.  Besides clothes, phone, laptop, toothbrush, paste, and a robe, is there anything else I should pack? 

    Was there something you wished you had brought to yours?

  • Enerva
    Enerva Member Posts: 2,985
    edited January 2014
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    Tessa, just make sure you have a front open top, you wont be able to lift your arms over your head. Good luck and keep strong and positive. 

  • TessaW
    TessaW Member Posts: 148
    edited January 2014
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    Thanks Enerva !   

    I've got until midnight before nothing more to eat or drink, so dang it, I'm eating some NACHOS because frankly this blows.

    Girl, I understand, but honestly with the pics you sent me, you're a fine lookin woman.  : ) 

    My onc nurse told me to not look at mine afterwards.  So I won't be looking. 

    I'm glad you got the info out of her and are taking the steps to see who you want. 

    I think yours turned out good.  That's why I brought your pics to my ps office.  : )

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