Single life after a mastectomy
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Thanks for the welcome, everyone.
Penzance, I think you are right about horses being good therapy. They are probably better listeners than most people! Ironically, my social worker has been trying to convince me to try riding lessons when I have finished treatment, since she knows I like horses. She actually thinks it would be good therapy. I'm kind of afraid though, I haven't been on a horse since I as a eleven, and they seem a lot bigger than I remember!
I have been pretty fortunate with telling people about my diagnosis. People at work have been very helpful. One of my problems is that I don't have anyone I could call a close friend, but some of the people I have been friends with at work have been people I could turn to. There are a couple of people I was surprised didn't say much, but I think from what they have said, they just aren't sure what to say to me. Maybe they are scared, too. They are all so busy with work and their families, though, I find it hard to ask for help, even though people keep asking what they can do. Everybody wants to bring food, but what I really need to someone to just spend time with. It's difficult because when people do offer to spend time with me, they want to come over to my house, but I live in this fixer-upper home that is embarrassing to have guests in. Everybody else's house is so much nicer than mine. I end up alone because I don't feel comfortable having guests in my house.
I hate pink, too. I'll settle for a hot fuchsia pink, but no pastels!
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I hope everything went OK for Edith and she comes back to check in with us. Hope her friends can take good care of her after she is released. The nurses were so good to me in the hospital, as well. I sent them a thank you note after I got back home.
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Cubbie- I like the idea of horse back riding. Are you done with treatment or do you still have more to go? Maybe recon too? Maybe find a stable that has people who help around rehab (and yes, we are all rehabbing after this).
I never liked having people in when I was going through the worst of it. I can understand that. My friends used to come pick me up or we would meet for coffee. As you are up for that. Rides in the car are great. Not sure where you live but maybe to just see some fall foliage? There is a lot to be said for a good drive and some conversation.
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Jazzy, I still have more to go - just not sure what yet, as we are waiting on the oncotype test. Not doing reconstruction at this point, or probably ever. I just can't face more surgery, and reconstruction really isn't that important to me. Maybe I'll look into some riding lessons after this is all over.
A drive sounds like a great idea - I love to get outside and go places. One of my coworkers and I met for dinner tonight. Coffee sounds like a good idea as well, I'll have to suggest that to people. I don't drink coffee, but there are always other beverages, and most of those places have hot chocolate, which I do love.
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Cubbie- are you a tea drinker? We have tea houses where I live. Starbucks also has some great non coffee drinks. I am glad to hear you got out for dinner tonight.
Oncotype is really helpful to know whether you need chemo or not. Mine were not high, thus no chemo. Hoping the same for you.
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Simplicity you asked me many times where I get my energy lol girl you are a star I did no work through rad lol I nock me right out ha ha ha
Good morning I had a few shit days but it's Friday and I am happy on Fridays
Things ll be better tmw that I ll sleep in .
Hope you all have an amazing weekend
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lol @ booby prize! Nice one! Hey but we are all great catches in our own ways. Let nothing and nobody strip you of that truth!
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Really E? That makes me feel soooo much better cause I feel so bad about my fatigue and how it's interfering with work and everything. But man, this fatigue from the get go is no joke! It's a fatigue like I've never known. Just awful.
Well, had some nice hits on dating site, but since the adding of BC (couple hours after creating) and verifying they read the profile-nada lol IDC. Not sure what I was looking for or why I joined anyway. Was supposed to meet a friend for dinner tonight but we noth have things going on, so rain check thankfully. Didn't feel like socializing tonight. Been a rough day and it's not over yet
Jazz, you're still quite a catch it's the limited amount of caring available men at this stage of the game.
BB, I have 9 pets. 9. Must have been sick when I got or rescued them all lmao Love my animals. My kids are a whole ' other story these days!! Grrrrrr
Hope everyone has a great evening!
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BB-I think it takes bravery either way. Maybe Im taking the chicken shit way out by putting it out there-hence no chance of getting hurt or disappointed. Idk. I hope it works out for you, sincerely. I didn't mean anyway other than making my point. I hope we both get our energy back soon. Seems a lot of us are exhausted lately.
Im grumpy. Must get out of bed and deal with the boy. Ugh.
Then Im lighting my damn fire & having a glass of wine!!
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big glass o wine & FiRe!!
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Bosomblues, I know what you mean about finances. With my out of pocket expenses for medical care, I can't be spending too much going out with people. When I met my coworker for dinner last night we went to a very inexpensive Mexican place, and I had a value meal. The food there is sort of just OK, but it's the getting out that is important.
Jazzy, I don't think we have any places specifically for tea. It's all coffee houses here. I've always liked the smell of tea, but never the taste. Weird, huh?
Simplicity, looks like a nice evening at your house tonight. I can feel my toes getting warmer just looking at that picture. I got my shoes a bit wet at the fall fun night at the school. Always, always rains for us.
Today was my first day back at work. It was pretty rough as I barely slept last night and had a lot of trouble with anxiety during the day. My coworkers were very supportive. I spotted a parent in the crowd at fun night though who had a sweatshirt that said "I want cancer to be a chapter in my life and not the whole story.". I like that.
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Cubbie- I didnt reslize how fresh out of surgery you were. Did you develop axillary web syndrome? You went back to work quickly! I went back the 5th week after surgery. Its still rough. Are you doing rads?
It is nice. Wish you all could be here. Beautiful night. Im close to putting it out & pouring myself to bed. Been a long week & I have a busy eve tmrw night.
Sweet dreams all
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Hi ladies- I went to the women's retreat today and it was so good on every level. There was a cool life coach there that did a presentation on evaluating the various aspects of our lives and where we "leak power". The area in my life that was the worst was my love life (I know, surprise surprise) but what she said that what was interesting around that is when one part of our lives is way out of balance, it can really effect other things too. Hmm........
Simplicity, you are a sweet friend to say I am a catch. Perhaps I need to start believing that a bit more?
Cubbie- so many interesting things we can enjoy for a beverage. Sounds like you are a hot chocolate fan more so than anything else? Just finding a spot you can get a drink of some sort and hang out without being pressured to order or leave quickly. I love to go to coffee shops and hang for hours, although that is also a luxury most of the time too.
E- glad you got through the week okay.
BB- sending you hugs and hope things are improving on all fronts, including with the family.
27- how are you at the end of this week?
Shar- I hope you are doing okay and getting more info from your tests to make decisions. We have all faced them and can share perspectives if that helps.
Lilly- hoping you are doing okay. I know October is a tough month for you. One more week to go.......
Thinking we have lost June, Melp and maybe Life, from this thread but time will tell.
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Simplicity, so far In have not had any problems with the surgery. I have pretty good range of motion, considering I still have some muscle soreness. I actually could have gone back last week, I was just taking a mental holiday for awhile, since its a lot to process. When I was preparing for surgery, the nurse navigator said she thought I would be one of those people who can get back to work in two weeks, and she was right. Aside from that, I need to go back - I have limited time off and need to save it for my second surgery and possible chemotherapy.
Don't know if I'll have any rads - it's not on the table at this point.
You gals are amazing, out there dating. I gave up on that scene years ago. I don't have much interest in it anymore. I rarely meet a guy I'm attracted to anymore. One every year or two maybe, and when I do I think, yeah, it would be nice, but not worth it. The last guy I got setup with, his claim to fame was that he could put out a cigarette on his tongue. Impressive, but that was when I knew I'd hit the bottom.
Hope everyone is relaxing a bit on their Friday night.
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BB- one of my great lessons in life is not to give too much to others, especially friends and family, at the expense of my own well being. I was set up in my family of origin to always put everyone else's needs first. Part of the character of my family, part of being the youngest. Does not work too well for me here in midlife, however. I doubt I am that unique either, society tells us to put everyone else first; our partners, children, aging parents, bosses, clients, you name it.
Where I leak a lot of energy is with family and friends who need a lot from me. My sister is one of those people, certain clients can be, certain friends too. I am getting better at asking myself "do I want to do this, should I do this, is doing this good for my health?" I have learned better to tell folks I will think about their request and get back to them. I no longer say yes right away. I used to be the girl who wanted to be a good friend to everyone, now I want to be a better friend to myself first. Cancer taught me it is okay to say no. People always find someone else to help.
Interestingly enough, most of the women yesterday said their romantic life was the least good of anything on the list. Several women said "I have been married X years, I love my husband, but yet......" They feel something missing. I was also reminded relationships are just hard period by the single gals and also the married ones; to find the right one, and perhaps to keep the whole thing going too.
My life is basically very good. I think my lack of love life is a choice, you are right about that.
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Beautiful post Jazz & so true. Feeling the brunt of that very lesson today.
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Simplicity- I hope you are able to rest some this weekend.
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Not so much. Weekend plans went poof but, it happens. Had a friendly date Friday night, neither of us felt like being out thou so rain check.
Sat down at the neighbors Sat night and had some drinks
Special friend flipped the f out on me Friday into Sat. I evidently text too much and got worried when his normal within a couple hours reply didn't come so dared to ask if he was pissed at me. Big mistake. Anyway, he's clearly got issues he's not dealing with or all this is really over a couple texts and a question. Very hurtful words thou. Why do men have to stab when they're hurt?
So. I did what any hurt lady fighting cancer treatments does, I called an old FWB that I always knew would answer my call. Not even five minutes lol So we met for lunch to catch up. That was nice. Were going to try to keep in better touch from now on. I just can't jump right now for so many reasons and intimacy...ugh, my body and brain are on 2 different pages lol
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Simplicity- having supportive people around you who care is what matters most now. It is what we need to get through the crazy mess called cancer treatment. Glad you found some people who can show up and just be there for you right now.
Your special friend may not be able to cope with any of this. It is disappointing when the people we want to care for us can't be present. Know that has more to do with you than him, but I understand it also hurts.
Wishing you a better week this week. Keep crossing the days you are getting through rads off the calendar. Tell us your last day of that treatment so we can celebrate here on line with you?
How is everybody else doing?
I will be here a bit less this week with new biz starting, friend visiting, going out of town for a few days. Sending you all love, peace and healing.
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Nov 25
A lot of his messages say a lot more than he meant to say about him and all he's going through. 7+ yrs of counseling with kids (5 equine therapy), I've picked up a bit lol I just feel like the little girl who got hurt so I reach somewhere else. O well. It is what it is.0 -
I hope you have a great time with all you have going on Jazz!
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Good grief, Simplicity. And guys think that women bring all the drama. They are just as bad. Looking forward to an online "rads completed" party with you next month!
Jazzy, sounds like a fun and busy week. I am back to work full time this week. Not sure if I work Friday, though. Office is closed that day, so no one may be expecting me to come in. I'm hoping so, I think I'll be ready for a break by then. This is part of the reason I chose to go back when I did - I can ease into it a bit.
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Simplicity- Cubbie has a good point, your friend may have a bit more drama and "it's all about me" going on right now, which is not helping you.
It is okay to tell people that what they are doing is not helpful to you during this time, and then get specific. I became very self protective during treatment and did not allow others to dump or turn my time of struggle into their platform to complain about their lives. People who care will quickly back down, sometimes people don't realize what they are doing. People that don't care will find another audience (and yes, you will find there are a lot of people out there that are just looking for an audience.....) I would say things like "I know you have struggles with your sister, but here is what I need some help with right now, can you help me with that?" Give that dude an assignment, redirect the conversation back to you!
I had a couple friends who could not park their stuff at the door when I got diagnosed and was going through treatment. I had to push some folks away for awhile, but sadly, when I got better, they were like "oh, good you are done with that now" or "sorry we lost touch, now let's talk about me....." Not everyone gets it. They were quickly back to the SOS. I found in my post recovery world that drama was of no interest to me and move away from it quickly now. I just let those people go with time, and don't miss them either.
Cubbie- very good plan to ease back into work. When I went back to work, I did so part time, worked 4 days a week and just the mornings. I did rads through part of that too. With time, I went back to FT and was tired for A LONG TIME so take it easy. Good to hear you have friday off too! Three day weekend! Whoot whoot!
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IDK, but I am more hurt about it than I realized. One thing he said that really stings, "he's let a lot of stuff go because of my current situation" WOW. OUCH. F*&% that chit right there!! I just...I can't...wtf??? And that he will no longer be my whipping boy?? Not sure what the hell to think. I called him on his bullshit-he has a lot going on and I feel like I am receiving the brunt of him not differentiating his emotions from one thing to the next. I feel I didn't do any wrong or anything disrespectful. He was busy that day-no biggie if he had just said that and answered my question about being pissed at me instead of deferring. He obviously was. Guess I should know when it's not a good time to text someone
I'm typically a very accepting person, you're busy, no biggie. But with health issues, his job, and a typically fast response over the course of the past 3 yrs (usually within 5 min's-sometimes a couple hours-again-no biggie), I do get concerned when I don't hear back....guess I shouldn't do that.
And I hate that I am even analyzing this. Trying to go over it in my head. Trying to figure out wth I did wrong. Just as I started to believe in someone again....think thats why it hurts so bad.
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I am trying not to, but stabbing words are unnecessary and one thing I rarely tolerate. Be mad. That's fine. Blow up. That's good too. But don't knock me down a couple levels so you can justify your own emotions? Make sense? And then to think...has he been just tolerating me? Just putting up with me cause I have cancer? Ugh...Thanks for your words. I'll try to keep them in mind.
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Simplicity- we are not ourselves during any of this, nor should we be expected to be. However, people who have empathy get that and don't take it personally when we are having a bad day. That can be around anything really. One treatment after another leaves us exhausted, unable to tend to the simplest of things, etc. You don't know the feeling of being truly vulnerable until you have walked in the shoes of being a cancer patient. You can make people get it who don't want to see.......
If someone said they were tolerating me, I would be hurt. I don't want to be tolerated, I want to feel loved and supported during my tough times. One of my new mottos I am trying to live by is to tell myself to go where I am celebrated, not tolerated.
I sense you have a pretty good support system trying to help you. It is hard when the people we think will don't. Sometimes people show us who they really are when the going gets tough.
I am not a fan of texting, not a good way to have conversation. Only good for sound bites when there is no chance for the other. I agree with BB, you guys need to talk this through. Men like to be listened to, they look to us for that support. It is not easy when the shoe is on the other foot.
You may want to decide how you want to be communicated with until you get through treatment. If texting is turning out to be a problem, you could ask if you could talk once a week or how ever much would help you. It is okay to ask for this. You have your FB page set up to talk to your friends. I used to send out periodic e-mail updates to my support system near and far during treatment. So they would know how I was doing and where I needed some help. It helped me to feel connected to my support system when I was alone. Everyone appreciated those updates except for one friend who thought it was unnecessary. So I took her off the list around any further conversations about my well being.
I hate to see you struggling through all this when you are working to get through rads. Put yourself first, it is what you must do and park anything temporarily that is taxing you. It is okay to say "we will catch up later" if something is not working for you.
Hugs sister, I know you are grinding through this. Wishing you better days.
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And yes, definitely don't give up on your friend Simplicity. You just need to have more conversation. I wish he would come visit you, it would help him to see you in person to understand how hard things are for you. I see that just from the photos you have shared on your FB support page. But seeing folks in person is way different than photos. The people who saw me here and what I went through at my worst had a very different perception than those from afar.
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Thanks ladies. I'll be ok. Just sad & confused. I didn't realize how important of a place I had allowed him in my life. So it stings.
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Simplicity- I understand that very well. The last guy I dated seriously I had been friends with for awhile, and then one day, he started making a move. It was amazing when it happened, but then it was over just as quickly.
I too was stunned how much I had grown to like him and how he had found his way into my heart. I was really upset when he left town without letting me, and had to hear that news from someone else. Sometimes you find you can really care about someone more than you even realize.
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