Single life after a mastectomy
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I agree with Fearless. It's easy for someone who is in a solid, happy relationship to say 'you don't need them in your life". Unfortunately, for those of us who have been left &/or are living alone, our reality is very different. Being alone, not by choice, can be a difficult way to live. And being left as a result of mx plays havoc with self esteem and long term recovery. Unless you've walked in our shoes, you don't know how terrible it is.
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With that being said, it's also important to not "paint" all men into a corner because we met bad apples, either - sometimes I find myself doing this and I am trying not to...it takes a lot of strength and confidence when you've been burned like that - but mostly, a lot of faith. It's important to not give up :-)
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I agree that not all men are the same. However, when one's experience has been negative, the impact on a woman can be very profound and very deep. Some of us recover, some don't.
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I would like to know if there are any WOMEN on here who have left their husbands after treatment...and how they are doing after having made this decision....
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Kathleen196....me! After my diagnois, before my first 8 chemo treatment and 4 surgeries. Like hrf thirty one years of marriage, no children between us. Always never complimenting me, just saying, "You look alright". We have stayed in touch throughout, because he spent half the assets he left with and keeps coming back for more money...it has been a year and a half and he still can't get it together, digging hisself in a hole. Read my story, if you want, Ex Minister Boyfriend. Yes, I wish the married women would realize this post is for SINGLES, once you marry move to another post. We want to lift up each other here, we know what we are going through alone and it is very hard. I showed my ex husband my bimastectomy and he just said, with a ugly smuck look, "Why those don't look real". Some women really doesn't know what mental abuse is unless you have actually had to endure it. Then like hrf, the first boyfriend that I said he wanted to be there for me and with me, ran as soon as he touched my lumpy muscle tissue that was left, after cutting out all the other above it, leaving no nipples. Just built up with silicone and tattooted areole's. Yes, married women it is hard. I cried for fourteen solid months, horribly hard, especially when you believed this was the man that God sent me, my blessing. The man won two faces. Is my heart healed after a year and a half = No. I have had coffee with one new guy and never made it to a coming date (an old classmate whom knew my business), he said he wasn't really ready to date anyone after the loss of his wife 8 mos ago (understandable). Do I think my boobs look good, yes my physician did a beautiful job. I want someone that will look at my heart for me, not for what I have and I don't want a one sided relationship. After all this, I will remain single or the next one will truly be the right one We need to focus on the financial stability for our own selfs, in case we don't meet Mr. Right. This is also hard at 60 years of age like me, I want to go back to college\RN degree, but my body is so worn in ways and they say that 62 year old people only get offered pt jobs. It's tough out here!
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Hrf, I totally understand. It is very hard to recover from that kind of rejection. And even when we do, it's very hard to let someone in again.
Hope, what do you mean he keeps "coming back for more money"? You are giving him money?
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For thirty one years I have been married to this man, whom lost one third of this heart muscle in 1995 from smoking two packs a day. He wouldn't eat right, or quit smoking and spent $400 in gambling each month, saying that I needed to go to work, he wasn't working anymore. Then before I was diagnosed with the BC, he was already pumping insulin in him, after eating whatever he wanted. The cycle went on and on...pumping insulin, eating what he wanted, gambling, smoking and controlling me. Sex was never there for me, unless he wanted his tension relieved before he went to a casino. All vacations had to include a gambling hall. The doctors told him that if he didn't stay on a diet he could lose his foot. He wouldn't change anything. So being over whelmed with no life other than a caretaker between him, my mother and forgot to say, I had took guardianship over an older dementia brother....I divorced him, put my mother in the nursing home and went for my surgeries and chemo by myself. As predicted his true love lady luck took the $8,500 that I sent him off within 60 days. He threw himself in poverty, thinking I would take him back. Though thirty one years is still because I mothered him and he is use to it. He has no children of his own, all his family deserted him and he keeps calling me, being his only friend of three. I have had little to give him, hoping and praying that he could get on his feet....what happened after I divorced him....predicted he had a major heart attack again. This time he had two more surgeries with two stints put in and within four months a quaduple bypass. He now owes all his disability check for debt, his monthly expense outway his income. He keeps trying to find work and trying to drain me as well. I have already pawned all my jewelry for one of his loan sharks, then he went and borrowed again from them. He had a $100,000 life insurance as me being beneficiary, played with it all this time, now it is only at $25,000 and he is still dangling it at me, trying to controll me with it. It is still working, for I only make $11.00 an hour myself and can't seem to get ahead either, I am 60 years old now. But I am swimming thank the Lord. I try hard to believe God wanted me out of that marriage, but then I am still in shock of the ex minister boyfriend whom is also my co-worker still passing me in the hall at work and all I want to do is grab him, hold him, love him and want him back. God help me, know He has better plans for me, because His word says so and He is truth. I am just down right now, wearing out, that's all. I have tried to get jobs to get away from our work enviroment together and no one is hiring me. I feel like a pickle in a shell. So I am working at home, still eating candy (sugar) periodically, taking my Arimidex, the crown of my head is really thin...fight the fight of covering it up each day that I go out, teasing it and all. I believe I have gained weight since chemo, hoping to keep it down, cellulite is coming vs not having time for the fitness center. I drown my time physically do repairs on the house, lonely as heck. I guess I should sing, "Love Lifted ME, when nothing else would help Love lifted ME! Thanks for letting Hopefloat vent. :-((((((. I sent my ex minister another email a few nights ago, wonder if it will work.....mising him.
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I had my DMX August 11th. My husband died last August and although I have made a few attempts at dating on the Internet sites, none were keepers. (PlentyofFish is the worst). Even the one that told me he would never give me his back found a reason for me to tell him to get lost (long story).
I still have my TE's for a while yet and when it comes to dating I feel like I will never find another relationship like I had with my hubby of almost 30 years. When & how do you tell someone you had a DMX and you're not really sure you will be 100% cured? I wouldn't want to go out with someone who had cancer because I don't want to go through the heartache again if he died.
I'm planning on tattooed nips & areolas so if I become intimate at some point that is going to be an uncomfortable moment. I'm hoping I can find a good man who will be my friend, so when we become intimate my body won't make any difference.
Maybe I'm just fantasizing but I'm not settling for just anybody despite the fact that I am 56 and have BC.
And that's all I have to say about that.
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chilur1228 Wonderful, thirty years with the right person. I am sorry about you losing your husband, for that is a long friendship and even more for you. I don't know, I love my new look, I am not ashamed of my new tattoed nips and areolas (though the tattooing didn't work for me twice, left scars, the areola's are still there though). I am going to someday have the tattoing done again, I had to pay out of pocket the second time at $500, next time instead of using the plastic surgeon's ink, I will use a tattoo artist (have one picked out). I think when you do find the right one you want to expose them to, he won't care, just make sure he is true to you. As I said before, wonder how they are going to react to cold breast that they can't actually do as they did before? That bothers me, normally they like to love them, but they are so cold...scares me. I had silicone before but the implants were under the muscle, now they are right there on top....cold all the time. God only knows. Don't stress about getting cancer again, keep a positive and healthy attitude about it, just go with the rules and smile on girl. We are so blessed in this generation to actually have the updated reconstructive surgeries and tattooing skills they have today. When I was a child my aunt had both breast removed and wasn't fortunate to have the implants. Thank God we are blessed! Keep fantasizing the love and the right person, I will, it is just in some of us....we are true romantics! I called an old boyfriend when I was sixteen, after a year I broke up with him, he was just there for me...but he was all into himself too. He has nothing to offer me, just affection and eating all the time......not enough for me. I have been confined too long, I want someone whom is active, loves God and people, with a good loving family that I need. Good luck in all your cosmetic work. Keep your tattoo's uncovered and moist when healing, vitally important.
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Thanks Hope!
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Kathleen 1966,I have also left my husband of 31 years, been with him since I was 16, diagnosed in 03, divorced in 09...cheated on me once again after I had cancer....just couldn't stay with him, my llife had become too precious to me...he had been a verbal abuser for years, I'm happier now than I've been in many many years, I do have a new man in my life, never thought I would be in love again...
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Good for you, Natee.
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Natee, you did right! Embrace the freedom. I almost took my ex back today after bailing him out one more time, he was getting an eviction notice within three days....verified it. But then,he said the words that women should beware of..."If I had somebody, I wouldn't...." If we don't hear our name in there somewhere or the word "YOU", don't go for it. I said, "You know I think we will do this...nothing, just keep things as they are. Stand up girls for yourself. Even if we feel deflawed and we do, don't sell out, hold your head up and take that back bone that is in there somewhere!
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Hey all. Shiny here. Haven't had anyone in my life in a couple of years, but I'm very comfortable with myself and not at all lonely. Through TX I've had tons of support from family and friends.
The thing I can't get over with foobs is if the guy is going to think that I'm enjoying him playing with them. I have absolutely no feeling and don't expect it back for a while. So I guess they're all for him. Meh
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Shinypop, I think of that, too. I haven't been with a man yet since my surgery, but I might tell a little white lie when I am and let him think there is some sensation there. It can't hurt and will make my partner feel better. Some might disagree with this, but I don't see what harm it can do.
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The farther I get from my former relationship that ended almost 4 months ago, the more i realize how manipulative and mentally and emotionally abusive he was. Sometimes I am a wreck. If I hadn't been with him, really wasted precious years of my life with him (4), would I be facing this mastectomy and reconstruction alone now? I found out this week that he got another girlfriend within a month after our break up. Because to an abuser, women are interchangeable as long as they do what he wants. They will do all the things we did together, until she starts to expect her own needs to be met. Then he will start pulling away, increase his mental mind games and f with her. I am very glad i am away from him, but I grieve, I am angry, I worry about finding someone new ever, my changed body, and fear getting someone again, because every man I attract/who is attracted to me, seems to be a manipulator or somehow bully or be mentally abusive. (Also - Men online my age, seem to want someone five years younger. Men 5 years older than me seem too old for me - in a different place in their lives). I am working on this obviously through reading and study, but this was not what i wanted for my life.Then I feel guilty because I so lucky to be NED at this point in time. Sorry, it's Christmas Eve and my first alone in 25 years.
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Molly, I understand how this time of year can be difficult when you are alone. Unfortunately, I've gotten used to it - having been divorced for many years now and not in a relationship. The last man in my life abandoned me when I had my surgery following dx - he lied about that. My ex-husband was abusive - mentally, emotionally -- I did some reading and have come to realize he is a mysogonist. It didn't take him long to find a new wife - as you said, women are interchangeable as long as their own needs are being met. Although I wasted many, many years with him, I did get 3 great kids out of it and there's nothing better than the kids and now grandkids. At this point I'm totally lacking any confidence to go out and meet men following this (2nd) bc dx and surgery. I don't know if I'll ever meet anyone again and I didn't plan my life this way - but there is a saying that goes something like "God laughs while people make plans" All the best of the season to all - Christmas, Chanukah, Kwanza, Diwali ... or whatever you celebrate -- wishing for good health for all.
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I guess you are right that life does not always go according to our plans. In all likelihood it is how we handle what is given to us that matters most. I am glad that you have adjusted it seems, rather well, to the changes in your life. I re-read my post and know it reads a bit like a pity party. I am working a wonderful new series, almost a therapeutic online class, that has to do with reworking our childhood messages to create healthier relationships and really change our life overall. I am so far thrilled with it. I too have been lucky to have the kids as I have very little other family. They have cared for me, despite their being teenagers, through the past month, at least a little. They are best at emotional support
Yes - Merry Christmas, happy hoiidays and seasons greetings to everyone.!!
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Molly, I didn't interpret a pity party - not at all. Just a realistic description of what life is like today. I will admit that I still do have pity parties from time to time........maybe even more often than I care to admit. That online course you are taking sounds interesting. Can you share more about it.
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I will post the link and tell you more after the holiday. Blessings!!
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Mybee, I didnt interpret that either. Its ok to feel lonely! I was also in an emotionally abusive relationship. i struggled through a nasty divorce, which was finally granted 4/12/10. I was diagnosed with bc on 4/13/11. I feel like it was a blessing to have him out of my life before dx. he would have made my life hell through treatment! We have a daughter together (4) who is the light of my life. He has moved out of state, living with another woman, and has paid no child support in two years.Ok with me though, as long as he stays gone! My daughter is a happy, well adjusted child, even through my treatment. I am lucky enough to have a wonderful family, and huge network of friends who help me out. This journey through bc has been rough, I think like others...why me? Sometimes have a pity party, but then get back up and realize.... I AM strong! I left an abusive relationship AND am fighting cancer! All in 2 years time! Do I get lonely? Sure at times, but more importantly am learning to like me and my own company! If Im meant to be with someone, I will! I will be with the right one at least, the one who will accept me bc, scars, recon, no recon, and all!
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Juliebell, have you not taken legal action yet with regards to him not paying child support for 2 years? This is not the old days - they are very strict about that now, and the law is on your side. They will garnish his wages, etc, to make sure support is paid.
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Okay. I am studying the work of Annie Kaszina Ph.D. I found her on the internet. After I read a number of her writings and blogs, I purchased and downloaded her 'Seven Secrets of Successful Relationships'. It is phenomental and I could not more highly recommend it. I have worked in mental health for over 25 years and I am learning new things! Lots of new things regarding the reasons for my relationship failures. I was going to go through it week by week but now I am just listening through the whole thing, and will go back for further study. I have shared a couple of emails with her too. http://www.emotionalabuserecoverynow.com/ I started with the free 7 day email series and then went from there. I purchased the 7 Secrets after I contacted her as to which of her programs would be most suitable for me. Fearless - I am going to post this on our other thread too. Doing lots of work here while I am recovering.
Oh - I just re-read my post and wanted to reassure everyone - I have no financial ties to this whatsoever!!
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Mybee, I know you are only wanting to help us - not sell us something :-) I haven't quite been in that situation. I won't say my men were abusive in any way - just unavaible, non-committal (to me). The only bad thing they did was to lead me on. But most men do that until they meet someone else. They just can't be alone.
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I put that in for the moderators.
It talks about a lot more than emotional abuse. The 7 Secrets series really goes into just a whole lot about developing an equal partnership, something I don't do well.
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It can happen. Finding someone post op. I think we have to be confident about ourselves first though. I know that's easier said than done. Don't know if it's the soldier or the nurse in me, but my attitude is everyone has mammary glands, even men. I don't. Therefor what I have is SO much more interesting, and if you're lucky enough I'll show ya. I have had a couple of guys ask me out, but after my ex I'm happier alone.
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I find it very interesting that most of you are happier alone than you were with your ex's. And I have been alone most of my life and have never liked it. I enjoy doing some things alone - I enjoy my own company - I just would prefer to share my life with someone and not grow old alone.0
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Not necessarily happier alone but happier than with ex. Being in a bad relationship is worse than not being in a relationship. For most of us it seems we are not necessarily happy alone. But given the options, being alone is better than the bad relationship. I didn't want to grow old alone, but that is what is happening.
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True, better off alone than in a bad relationship. I would rather be alone than with someone who is going to cheat or lie - I would find that devastating.
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fearless, the state of Ohio wont do anything for me as he is living out of state, they have turned the case over to the state of WV. He hasnt worked for 2 years, as he is always trying to "start his own business" As soon as i am finished with active treatment, i am going to pursue this. I was so tired of the court systems before dx! Didnt have the energy to deal with treatment and him. 6 more weeks, and i will be finished! ( starting rads tomorrow!)
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