Single life after a mastectomy
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Wow. You ladies have been busy. Just wanted to say thanks Deb. Idk what I said to seem like I have it all together. I certainly don't feel that way, much of the time. Virginia - you are very brave and compassionate. I admire your strength. You are much braver than I. I was a baby when I had my mastectomy, etc. Think of us here when you go for Round 2. We'll be thinking of you!0 -
Love this thread
It's like a cross country hug.0 -
Barbie I
your story!
I kept thinking man, I'm a 43 yr old single parent. I'm scheduled for a BMX. I have cerebral palsy. What decent guy would be interested?
I'm so glad to hear love found you! ( Eight years younger? )
You go girl!
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I can't thank you all enough for such the warm welcome. It means more to me than you could ever know... I was feeling so horrible about those other boards (well one on particular...I'm still invisible there)... And I need the outlet of people who truly get it.... So thank you from the bottom of my heart!!!
Mybee- you give me too much credit lol my mx was 6 weeks ago so I am feeling good. But I have had many a "moment" in those 6 weeks. Mopped my kitchen floor today for the first time since before surgery - and I was like owwwwie...lol.
My danged head is cold with no hair lol. Still in my pj's, but the tree is actually totally decorated
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hello everyone, hi virginiaNJ
work has been insanely crazy but it's kind of nice of a distract from BC which is all i could think about. really want to finish the surgery and know what's next.
i miss having someone but i don't feel like dating at all...sigh.0 -
So I feel I have my cancer under control... but my emotions are all over the place. My husband still being here at the house is stressful... My son is not enthusiastic about college, so that makes me sad. And my daughter (21) is so moody... one day she loves me and then I don't hear from her for days. Even when I text and call... and she unfriended me on FB... she won't reply to my husband either, so either she is just not handling the separation well, or something else...not sure. But as I sit here, I am lonely and sad... watching a romantic comedy on TV... I better make some plans for tomorrow.0 -
bdavis,
did you reconnect with some of your friends? or may be you can start making some friends...like meetup.com?
not gonna lie, sometimes i rather be alone than hanging out with so so friends. i like to have a good time so i like ppl who can really connect with me. i am now just take it one day at a time. been too swamped with work so my brain is not functioning well.0 -
I have tons of friends... but most of them are married, so I hate being the third wheel, but tomorrow I think I need to make a plan. And yes, I have gone to some meetups... I find it ok, but a bit exhausting to make small talk.0 -
June when is your surgery?
bdavis- hugs... I always find this time of year difficult under the best of circumstances. Hope that you can find something to take your mind away today!! Looks like the sun is coming out at least
My brother and I (whoooooo hooooooo I'm a happening single gal going out with my big BROTHER on a Saturday night) are going to dinner. Figure I will have a nice meal as I get a terrible "metal" mouth from chemo so food tastes crappy for about a week...
Tessa- I think the same thing....I am boobless and hairless....I feel like Frankenstein... I call my boobs "Frankenboobs" although everyone that looks at them says how WONDERFUL they look---and I know they are looking from a clearly clinical / surgical standpoint- and I suppose they look "good" that way, but REALLY????? Ugh.....oh well, I keep reminding myself this is a process and I have only completed step one of the "new boobs."
Oh, and I know some have mentioned stupid things people have said- one friend said, "oh, well at least you get a boob job out of it..." (I think this is a VERY common thing for people to say...) Anyhow, I just said, "well, I don't recommend this way of going about getting a boob job" - sometimes you just want to cyber slap people in the face.....
happy Saturday- going to try and do some cyber Christmas shopping......0 -
my surgery is on 12/19....next week will be the pre op check up
About ppl saying stupid things, I just think they want to put some positive spin into out situation. Most ppl meant well. A friend did make that joke but she also said she's just joking.
Yes after I turned 30 most of my friends were married or coupled up. But a friend didn't get married until her late 30s so she really knows what it takes to be single and she sometimes go out with me and her hubby also works a lot. But I think once the kids are in the picture it's much more diff. But my HS friend always invites me to her house, sometimes I feel she's my mom and sis and friend in one body. She's the one really helps me thru a lot during this time. She's the one had cancer before so she's very empathetic and caring. I am glad she's in my life. wish i lived closer to her.0 -
Usually, other people are trying to make us feel better, and they don't know what to say. Putting myself in their shoes, I can relate. While fighting cancer myself, there were other people in my life in the later stages of other types of cancer. Even though I myself had cancer, I struggled with what to say to them. So, I imagine knowing what to say is even more difficult for people who never had cancer.
But, some people really are being obnoxious and cruel on purpose - especially the people who make comments like, "Oh, she just wanted a boob job." <== These types of comments are all over the internet in discussions about famous women who've had MX. Comments like those bug me. Some people really are clueless.
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yes agreed with you.
and that's just stupid and ignorant. women don't need a MX to have a boob job.0 -
Virginia, I wish I had my tree decorated! I've had my tree up for a week. It has lights, and white feather boa garland. That is it. I think going out to cut it down sucked most of my tree energy this year. Maybe throw some ornaments on it tomorrow. We'll see. Glad to hear your tree is decorated.
I'm also happy to hear you've taken time off from work for your treatments. This is the time to focus on yourself!
Edited to add that those other people who seem to be overlooking your posts on that other thread are missing out! You are a wonderful source of information, humor, and delight. Too bad for them!0 -
Debdylan... I am disappointed to hear that your PSs goal is to look good in clothes only. You absolutely can achieve great results naked. Have you been to the picture forum? Many women (including myself) post their pictures there... Take a look and be armed when you go into you surgeon's office, or perhaps time to find a new PS??0 -
Debdylan... I know that some PSs DO work on other doctor's patients... mine works on many. Would you consider traveling to have your stage II? I can't say enough about my PS in NOLA... I know he has told women on his ASK THE DOCTOR forum that a PS showing his work (pictures) and offering to speak with former patients is telling.If a doctor isn't too keen on it, then perhaps he knows how he stacks up. I remember going for a consult here in NJ and I was totally not impressed with the picture album. And just because your doctor is at a great hospital, doesn't by default make him a great DIEP doctor... Don't be afraid to get what you want.
And I understand about the sex talk... but trust me, it all does get better. When its all so fresh, its hard. I remember how I felt fresh out of chemo or my MX... not so sexy. It does come around.0 -
DebDylan... I just about cried reading Goldie's post about the intimacy with her husband... and boy you read that and think there is no hope for that in our future... If you read and believe it, you would think no woman is attractive to man her age, and only years of intimacy can be valued at an older age. Sure hope that's not true.0 -
I know it seems that way, but it WILL all get better... much better. Trust that. And call NOLA.0 -
Well, read through today's posts. Lots of ground. Wanted to touch on one thing with my daughter. I was very close to her for all of her life until the last year and a half. Was the divorce, then break up with BF, and BC too much for her? Then my Dad died & we estranged ourselves from a couple of other insensitive family members. We've been through a lot. My daughter has withdrawn from me, unfriended me on FB & I always have to contact her. No doubt I have been needy. She is 19 and wants to enjoy her life. (She was great after my MX, helping me with my discharge, my drains & bandages & she was only 17). Or has she withdrawn to 'grow up?' She has left home, is straight A's at the University loves her boyfriend; she's a good girl. Maybe it's not about me.
On our bodies. My breasts look pretty good. I saw my oncologist yesterday, (such a lovely woman). She complimented me on the job my PS did. She said to me: "It will not always be this way. You are recovering; It takes a long time to recover." She felt it imperative I continue with the anti- hormonal. Despite taking 2 medications to deal with the pain she said I need it, but that there will be a time when I will have it behind me too. So I will take it. I do not want this cancer back in my life again. She also asked who my PS was, said he did a fabulous job, (which I have made lopsided by gaining so much weight). She felt this too would get under control & pass. She hugged me & wanted me to be easy on myself. It was a very nice appt. Sooo, if I were to date, it is now the rest of my body that would be difficult to deal with. I try to exercise but am fatigued and experience arthritis and other shooting pains. I talked to my onc about that too. She's a hiker- hikes with her teens. Sounds wonderful.
So deb I would say pursue the outcome you desire, don't settle for good in your clothes. And the visible scars (I have a horizontal 8 in long one across my rt. breast), do fade tremendously.
My dear friends - don't beat yourselves up too much. You have been through so much and come so far. Take 'luxury' breaks, doing indulgent little things here and there. If your tree only has lights or a simple boa, just throw some candy canes on it and call it rustic. Throw anything red out into the room, add twinkle lights and sit back & enjoy. Last year when my Dad died, I had a 3 ft. pre-lit, pre-decorated tree. I put out a box, threw the skirt over it & plunked the tree down on top. Put the presents on the box too. It was lovely and took 10 mins. Enjoy your holiday; it is for us all, a gift. The main thing BC taught me is to enjoy the simple things: the stars, moon, sunlight, smiles, a glass of wine with cheese, snuggling with my cat & sleeping in on Saturday mornings. Really in life, that's all we're promised. That's all we've got. And it's a lot.0 -
This is interesting to me & you are so right. My daughter seems pretty happy living with her BF, although this was not what I wanted her to do, still gets straight A's in a medical program and loves to bake. But it is my youngest who is a mess. Now his Dad and I do get along and his Dad only lives 1/2 mile away, but my youngest is so troubled. Won't study (and is so smart), defiant, won't do chores and worst of all, despite having been in an output tx program, relapsed & is still smoking weed daily. Just 16. We've been through so much with him and nothing seems to help. The stress of it all is emotionally & physically trying (it flares my fibro) but of course I keep trying with him. I think if it would've been just the divorce, or just BC, or just the death of his grampa, but all those things happened too close together. Therapy hasn't seemed to help; maybe we should try it again. idk.
I'm so sorry to hear your son is so angry & struggling so much. How hard for you to be the recipient of that anger. I could relate to so much of what you said. I left a full time position to work 10-15 hrs a wk., did all the suburban soccer Mom stuff, I can't believe with all that investment the boys (yours and mine) are so undone but they are. They say boys do worse in daycare & with divorce than girls. Something about their emotional resiliency. Perhaps time will work it all out. I think you're right about my daughter. We're not estranged but she's so quiet. And now there's all the issues with her brother. She really, really wanted to leave this house and her BF does seem to take good care of her.
While some of this is a little off BC, it does I think show how the dx can reverberate through the family esp. the single parent family, which is already stressed. My kids carry a lot of anger toward the Bf who made a lot of empty promises but didn't come through for our little family in the long run. (My daughter has talked about how much she hates him & how angry she was at my Mom & sister for not being there for me with my dx-another story!). If I even mention dating, they all look scared & concerned. Another reason I don't.
Maybe a little with your son was the alcohol talking? They change so with some overindulgence. I know - I wanted such stability for my kids. I'm trying to be stable now, again, but it is harder.0 -
Wow... good to know I'm not alone. My son has been a rock, but I know how pained he is by the separation. My daughter on the other hand is very dramatic... When my husband first discussed leaving, he called her on the phone and she was all for it... said we (my husband and I had hated each other for years). What??? I am not sure if she expected floating blissfully through life, but she was way off base. Maybe she now regrets saying that? I don't know. But my husband hung up the phone and said that he knew now more than ever leaving was the right thing to do. So when I asked her what she said, she accused me of putting her in the middle.
I am trying really hard to keep my eye on the next forty years and not this week, the week she is totally ignoring me. And yet last week, while at home for Thanksgiving, we had an awesome time. I don't get it. I will say that I said goodbye to her, and then before she returned to school, she was with my husband and he was mad at me, thinking I was being vindictive taking my son out for lunch... again, what? I fed my son, was gone 45 minutes... He had been out with my daughter, and I didn't want him feeling left out. Anyway, I think his anger made her angry with me (totally unfounded). I told my husband he needed to fix it, but she won't respond to him now either.
Sorry... I know the thread is about being single after MX... got a little off base.0 -
Hugs ladies.....I don't have kids of my own, but feel for your pain.
I was 14 years old when my mom was Dx'd with breast cancer....she died when I was 17 - a junior in HS. The whole thing was truly terrifying and my worst nightmare.
You all seem like such amazing women...my guess is your kids are just really scared... (Though I am certainly no psychiatrist and really have no right stating my opinion...)
All the best to you ladies!0 -
yes this BC thing certainly plays a toll on our psyches doesn't it??? I saw a psychiatrist a few times pre surgery bc I really thought I was losing my mind...
I know for me personally, my fear usually manifests itself in anger
it's something I have been trying hard to work on........
And TY so much for your kind words. My mother was an exceptional and amazing woman and I feel very cheated that she died so young....but her sacrifice made me very diligent in my own health...0 -
Virginia - I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother. Your story, though, was good for us to hear because you know from personal experience how deeply affected a young person is when a mother is fighting cancer. I had close relatives (and a friend) who were moms taken by cancer from their young kids. It's especially heartbreaking for the kids.
I have all sons. When I was diagnosed, my youngest was 9, and he took it hard. However, the two teens reacted by helping me more - carrying groceries inside and so on - without even being asked. Their father moved out 11 months ago. It was difficult at first; they had many questions, and we had many discussions. But, they seem to be doing all right now (I think). There's one way the separation affected them, though: they seem to be big believers in marriage as a lifelong commitment. I hope they continue thinking that way as they get older.
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I can't even imagine how you all cope being moms...as life does continue and I'm sure you all tried to keep routines going for your families....
While being/living totally alone (no pets either lol) sometimes sucks --- it can also be a relief to just hide under the covers with no one depending on you...
Today I have been on my pre-chemo steroid HIGH. I made a giant pot of chicken soup, a spinach lasagna, finished Christmas decorating, 2 loads of laundry... (Chemo #2 is tomorrow).
Will hopefully justify being a potato for the week (though I am determined to be LESS sick his go-round).
we will see if my will can win 0 -
Luckily, my soon to be ex says he will come help me whenever I need it... plumbing, electrical, auto, landscaping... so that's good.0 -
We are using a mediator... lawyers will just seal the deal... I hope. My lawyer is more aggressive than his, so I have control over that. I am not looking to be aggressive at all... a peaceful resolution is more important to me than anything... and for him too. Plus we are getting divorced from bed and board (NJ version of legal separation) so that he can keep me on medical and dental insurance... until I remarry... which at that point we will divorce.0 -
Oh boy... sorry.0 -
My younger two sons and I were out when the storm hit yesterday. We ended up stuck 6 times. A grown man with us would've been a big help, but that's OK because strangers helped. And my middle teenage son helped, plus he helped to push two other vehicles. (He's become a fine young man.)
Yes, indeed, it's good to live without worrying about making a man (an unhappy man) happy. :-)
Deb - I'm dealing with the same issues. I helped pay off the husband's tuition bills, then became a SAHM for many years. Now suddenly he thinks I should be able to find a full-time job earning more than I ever made...? I wish...!
Btw, ladies, you were talking before about older men dating younger women. I've been noticing the same thing, especially with so many older famous men marrying younger women. Then again, there are many young women who've never had cancer but who don't date at all. Two divorced moms I know were in their early 30's when they divorced, and seven years later, neither has dated anyone. One said she wouldn't know where to begin. Another said she's too busy.
And then there are women like Barbie7. :-)
Bdavis - We've been in mediation, too, but it's not working. At first I asked for divorce from bed and board so that I could stay on the insurance, but he wanted a full divorce. Anyway, I read somewhere that, if you get a divorce from bed and board, a full divorce can be granted at any time and only one party would have to file then. It still would be worth it, though, imho.
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lifeiswonderful... My soon to be ex is all in favor of helping me with insurance... I hope his approach continues... Its hard enough.0 -
Deb... didn't you get half of his benefits?? You should have.
Glad things are looking up for you... one day at a time.0
