Single life after a mastectomy

placid44

I will pm you both to exchange emails. My primary care physician recommended singles cruises. I don't thinking would like a cruise, but I would like some kind of singles vacation.

Enerva

Great, me too i dont think i would like a cruise either  

Stix

Hi

I am single and had a mx in 2010 for cancer and a px mx 9/5/13 for atypical.I

had my exchange almost two months ago. I haven't dated anyone seriously since 2010. Just a few dates here and there.

I am still not over the second px mx yet- I think I am

just now realistically realizing it- does that make sense? Is that normal? I

I am so tired of worrying about it and how to tell someone- that now I am just going to

go out and have fun and if I start to date them then I will tell them. It won't be easy- but we all

have to start somewhere. What are others experiences with this dating bit?

TessaW

I'm a 43 yr old single mom and also a DD. I'm TOTALLY FREAKED OUT by being told I need a mx and soon!

I was born with cerebral palsy. I'm short. I don't have great hair or skin, but I've always had amazing boobs. So this is MAJOR as far as fear of losing my only good physical feature as well as question my datability after. UGH.

How are you dealing?

mybee333

I think that if you have been with men in the past (and it certainly sounds like you have as you have a child), they will like you and love you for the same reasons they did before. No one was with your for your boobs; they were there for the whole package. You as a person. There was plenty they liked before and plenty they will like now. It is you, that you have most to deal with. That is the hardest part. Coming to terms with your changed self. And it is the physically changed you BUT, it is more the emotionally and psychologically changed you. Breast Cancer reverberates into every part of your life and for a long time, in ways that you can only begin to imagine and much of that reverberation is an individual, personal and unique journey. You can travel the path with someone or many someone's, such as friends, but in the end it is your life, your disease and your recovery. I am a different person now than I was pre BC. Not better, not worse just different. I am aware of my mortality, others suffering, our fragility and the ephemeral quality of life in a way that I was not before. That changes what you bring to the dating table. The types of men you are compatible with will therefore change and hopefully in a good way. Hang in there. You have a lot more to think about than men right now! If you can financially afford to, focus on yourself in a way you never have before. If you don't love you, who will??

Inghram

Hey Everyone...I was 50 when I was diagnosed spring of 2012, single with four kids - three still at home. I had been dating someone for a couple of years, but I really thought he would bolt. I had a double mastectomy. Not only are we still together, we were married in April. My DH tells me that I am still very sexy and he has really gone out of his way to make me feel that way. I feel incredibly fortunate to be married to him. I think guys are attracted to authentic women who aren't afraid to be themselves. There were some moments when I wondered what was going to happen - like when I went into menopause and sex was not as enjoyable. We worked through that and things are pretty good - not like when I was twenty, but still really enjoyable. DH is not put off by my scars - I did not have reconstruction. How great is that?!

Enerva

Debdaylan What? is right, i am sorry but there is no way a god will gives us this BC, pls ignore your friend s comment she probably has no idea of what to do or say to contort you, i wish she doesn't say anything at all. I am just like you, thinking i may ended up alone, its funny i was at a course this week and there were a few nice looking guys and i kept thinking Oh pls dont even think about them, they could never be attracted to me. At the same time i felt sad that i feel this way but it is reality i feel as if i am not sexy anymore even though, in the outside i am back to looking ok inside i feel bc has taken my confidence. Maybe i ll get it back but i know i am just not ready. I can only hope after my exchange surgery i ll feel a bit more like my old self. Take care and just think that you need time to feel better. Also i feel when we less expected we may get to meet someone, lets not lose hope. And keep our soul up. You can PM  anytime if you want to exchange emails. Take care

Inghram Congrats ,you are one of the lucky one. Wish you all the best of luck for the future with your DH. You give us hope lol

mybee333

I think what has been surprising is the change in me. Because the man I was with at the time of diagnosis had no idea how to deal with BC, the relationship, already strained, subsequently tumbled, I went through a bit of a transformation. I no longer care to wear heels, lingerie, or other artifice to make myself into a sexual plaything for a man. I loved it in my previous life, but then he bailed. I believe that's how my partner, at that time, viewed me (as an ornament and for his pleasure as so many men do) and - never again. I think too that Tamoxifen and multiple surgeries, including a hysterectomy, have diminished my sex drive considerably. At any rate, I no longer wish to play the games that seem to be necessary to attracting a man. My priorities have changed. My sense of vocation is stronger; I am more devoted to my job and church and I am putting greater emphasis on myself and into my children now, despite the fact they are almost all adults, because I have a greater sense of my own mortality. Perhaps when my youngest, who is almost 16, somehow launches, I will feel hungry for a man. But right now, for the first time in my life, I feel free from that longing. I do have to say though that doing the inside & outside work all alone - now that is a challenge.

placid44

These posts were really helpful. I have my exchange surgery one week from Monday, so I'll be away from the boards for a while.

Enerva

Placid44 good luck on your exchange surgery mine is next month. i wish all goes well and we hear from you soon.

TessaW

mybee - I re read your post now and then. Thanks for the encouragement.

TessaW

Deb _ I fear those feelings. I haven't had the MX at this point (jan 7) and I'm already worried about not being sexy anymore.

I can't believe your friend said that! Criminy!

mybee333

Thx Tessa. I think you will be fine in the long run but it all takes time. We have to adjust our expectations of ourselves a little I think, love the new 'me' so to speak. Hang in there.

juneping

i am single and will be having the mastectomy on 12/19/13....

broke up right before finding out i have BC and he's been supportive. i wasn't going to be friends with him but right now i need some support. i haven't given too much thought about dating. but i was single when i have all the equipments and not sure how i am going to be after the mastectomy. but this is a nice place to read and share....

this BC really brings out ppl's true character around me. even though i am bit depressed but some how i am quite grateful for the opportunity that i can see the side of people that truly care about me.

Enerva

Juneping Welcome, we have something in common, i also broke up before my Dx and still keep in touch for support. It is hard to be single but to be single with bc is even harder, like you said it brings out the truth color of not only people but life itself. Hang in there we are not alone. Good luck for Dec 19, I will have my exchange surgery on Dec 24. I am counting the days lol 

juneping

Enerva,

thanks!! i am counting the days too....can't wait to get the cancer out...

mybee333

Hello & welcome to the two of you. I remember feeling that way too - very anxious to get the cancer out but so frightened about having MX. It was really a time of swirling emotions. I found it difficult to find others to talk to then and my partner at the time was not at all equipped to handle it. I feel I was at times, due to my own fears, weepy, needy - I was just emotional. In a way it is good that the break ups occurred prior to your surgeries; you now have the benefit of those friendships. Peace be with you ladies. While it is upsetting, it is also good to get the surgery behind you. It is the beginning of the road the healing. And I do believe the road is different as a single woman. As far as love after breast-cancer? I really don't knows as I've chosen to be alone, at least for now. Blessings.

Enerva

Mybee33 thanks, i agree with you I think everything happen for a reason. I am glad i was alone through the mx, chemo and rad, i like you I found myself very up and down so i dont know if i could handle a bf at that time specially my ex, he is not an affectioned guy and that could have made things worse lol. I am now almost at the end of this part of the road all i want is to get rid of the TE lol they are my worse nightmare lol I am also believing i will continue the road alone, at least thats how i feel right now. Thanks for your post 

juneping

i thought about this thread through out this long weekend....i felt at peace and lonely at the same time. not sure if that make sense. had a huge fight with my ex right before the holidays...

mybee, Enerva - i also have been up and down but mostly down. just very tired and want to be alone. my sis has been checking up on me every few days. i felt i am such a burden to everyone who knows about my condition. been reading chemo and hair thread....not going to say it's easy to swallow all that info. the permanent hair loss was brutal.

Deb - actually i've always been alone, some flings here and there....and then my ex who i was with for 5 years. this decease definitely make me feel very unattractive. i don't have boobs to begin with but it's something symbolic and now one of them will be gone. not sure about the chemo...and 6% chance of permanent hair loss is making me very depressed. and i admire you for such courage to face this decease alone in such a brave manner. i just try to roll with what throws at me.

i think i am looking for a support group after the surgery....i can't do this alone. i need some body just to talk to without that pity look.

juneping

Deb,

yes...fear and gratitude....very true. i feel that too...

(((hugs))).....i am sure you will be back feeling attractive again once all these bc are behind you. i said that bc i know i will feel that way. because i know i'll beat this and morph into someone stronger with some scar underneath the clothes.

there're two different kinds of beauty, one is on the surface and another kind is coming out from within, it carries the courageous, the wisdom, the kindness and the perseverance that we walk through these trials in our lives. do i wish i don't have to go through this, yes. but if i have to, i want it to be worth of something in this life time.

mybee333

Deb - I read your post a couple back and I could have written it myself. I am over two years out now. I broke up with the BF with a TE in; the TE really did make me feel quite unattractive. I couldn't handle the whole thing, but I did of course. It was a long road, reconstruction. I do believe the whole BC experience aged me quite a bit, but then I am in my mid-50s and I think you age a lot during that time anyway. I am most definitely, totally post-menopausal and taking tamoxifen. So that does things to you. I am also taking a couple of meds to help treat the side effects of the tamox. and have gained about 25 lbs since diagnosis. So my new wardrobe, that I had to get, reflects the new me and the new me is not really a sexy me, but that's okay, I think. I don't feel like myself anymore, no. I always made a man the centerpiece of my life and that just is not going to happen now. (I have other health problems too and taking care of a house by myself, well, I am just finding it exhausting. I can't imagine adding a man to the mix). Anyway, I struggle some to know who I am now too. My kids have grown up while this was going on. Two college-aged have moved out and my youngest is almost 16 and rarely here (and rarely helpful, these days). He unfortunately has developed some emotional problems, I think from all the stress. My middle child, my daughter, tends to avoid me a bit; Mom is a bit of a downer. (My Dad died last year too) So really, no one in the family is ready to add someone new here. June - I really think you will feel a whole lot better once you get past the hair issues. Think of this as a season, a season of illness perhaps, but it is an exceptional time. Who knows where you will be at say, in one year, or even two? I would be interested to know. I have always been a bit of a depressive but compensated through men, sex, maybe a little wine - things to have fun. Now I feel old before my time. But as I said, I have other issues (fibromyalgia) and that is causing a great deal of fatigue. I do very much miss sharing and talking to someone, but I'm afraid it would be a lot of whining. I think most men at this point are looking for someone to have fun and be spontaneous with. You know, life after divorce, after the wife. I do think they can handle breast cancer and reconstruction though (altho' that's just my opinion). I have read of lots of women on these threads who have bounced back. I think the difference has been the quality of the support they had through it all and their health status in general. If they feel surrounded by support, love, say some family and friends and can work out, bike or run, they do pretty well.

juneping

Deb,

i hope so....i really hope so...sigh...

mybee333

I know. People always thought I was younger than my age and I turned a few heads too. Not to brag but in my college years I could walk into the bar (disco days) and pick who I wanted to dance with, meet, etc. and I would. But now......I am definitely not that person. I have a friend who is in great shape but 56 like me. She has always been a dancer and rides horses, never had kids. She has talked about feeling like you are becoming invisible as you age as a woman in our society. I used to flirt for fun on the job. Now I am surrounded (being in education) by YOUNG teachers, who view me as the elder stateswoman or something. Hormones - I had a full hysterectomy in '08 due to cervical cancer. Big mistake to let them take my ovaries. Was placed on hormone replacement so felt pretty good and young for a while (although tried a lot of combos to get there). With BC, estrogen supplements were instantly stopped. Now the tamoxifen, (as I was ER+) is killing any remaining estrogen in my body. So yeah, my opinion is that it is aging me. It has to be. My skin in my face and neck seem so much older. I think it is a collagen issue. And my body - forget it. I used to work out for 20-30 mins. 2-3 times a day for 5 yrs. Now for two years, nothing. Oh I've made attempts. But I'm getting arthritis, pain, and I completely lack energy. They tell me the Tamoxifen is helping to reduce my odds of recurrence but at a bit of a cost, I have to say. I can't imagine any man wanting to be with me. I think (altho' I don't know because it's been so long) that I could have some pain and dryness with intercourse too. Not exactly what Mr. Lonely is looking for, if you follow my drift. June and Deb - How old are the two of you?

juneping

mybee,

thanks....i hope i will be at a different place a year or two from now.

sorry about you other health issue...i hope we'll all bounce back to our normal selves. (((group hugs)))

juneping

i am 41...also ER+...my BS already told me i'd be on tamox

i suspect it'll drive me to menopause on an express train....

mybee333

It will be different, definitely. And it may be quite different than what I have experienced. For me, the Tamox. flairs my fibromyalgia. Some women do just fine with it. You are still quite young. I'm so sorry that this is happening to you now. I think you have many 'pretty', perhaps, lovely years ahead of you potentially with a partner, if that is what you wish. Definitely time to recover and live a 'normal' life, although this will change you, that's for sure. I am hoping things go well with your surgery. It won't be long now. The specifics of your diagnosis are encouraging.

juneping

mybee,

thanks...i just want to move forward....surgery will be on 12/19...

mybee333

June - I was looking at our posts. I am sorry you are feeling so badly about yourself. When I had cervical cancer and told no one, some people said they wished I would have told them as they would've liked to be there. Or at least they considered themselves a friend and then I was so private, they didn't know what to make of it. So with BC, I told everyone except my father (who was ill). I was very open because I wanted support but also so that in the future, people could know to turn to me if they got diagnosed. I found a special person at work whose son had cancer and was being treated at the same facility. That ended very sadly but she knows that I have been through something life changing and I like to talk with her sometimes just to check in with her now that she's lost her son. So I guess what I am saying is that you may not be as hideous as you feel. I know at work people were there for me, some brought meals and a few close friends stopped by a few times and so that was nice. Otherwise I would have felt very alone indeed. Cancer is so common now; in general people are compassionate, at least if we don't ask for too much

grayeyes

Mybee333 - I was reading your messages above, and as soon as I saw the word tamoxifen, I realized that I'd forgotten to take mine tonight.  So, I got up to go get the pills.  But, on the way, I stopped to tell my boys to get to sleep.  Then I returned to the computer and sat down.  As soon as I saw your post again, I realized:  I forgot to take the tamoxifen again!  OK, so I've taken it now.  But, am I the only one here who's so easily sidetracked?

Juneping - I was diagnosed just before my 46th birthday, and I remember being in the place where you are now, wondering if my hair would grow back.  I didn't wear a wig, though - I found hats much more comfortable - but I hoped to have hair again... on my head, that is. 

When my hair did start growing, it came in completely white and mostly grew out of the sides of my head, with some sprigs sticking out of the top.  So, for a while, I had this wonderful look  that was similar to the hairline my dear father had.  But, eventually, all of my hair grew back, just as thick as before, and the color came back, too, a shade darker (with the same amount of gray I started with before the chemo).  It has been two years since I ended chemo, and I have a full head of hair below my shoulders (even though I've had it cut a few times in the past two years).  So, when your hair begins to grow again, don't be shocked if it doesn't cover your whole head at first.  Also, there's a bright side (imho) to losing the hair (at least for me) while on chemo - I loved not having to shave my legs or pluck my eyebrows, etc., and taking showers became very quick and easy. 

Deb - I, too, am looking forward to living life on my own terms now.  I'm worried about the future, and sometimes I feel rejected and alone.  But, I'm glad to be alive.  My goal now is to be as good a mother as possible to my sons and to become more self-reliant.  After the separation, I was asked out.  But, at this point, I don't really want to complicate my situation by dating.  And it seems I'm a bit "old-fashioned" for today's dating scene, anyway. 

juneping

mybee, Deb - yes bc did let me see the kindness in people but it also let me see some not so pretty things. i don't want my work to know, because i don't want that pity look....my immediate superior has that look at me...sigh. i have this friend who's 10 yrs younger but she's the first one i told, we were very close. when i was telling her about my bc, she just said "oh just cut them off" them as my breasts. i don't know, it just sounded so cold blooded to me. she even suggested i traveled (1.5 hr train ride) from my apt to hers after surgery so her mom can take care of me. i didn't expect her mom to take care of me but ask someone just after surgery to travel is just so ignorant. i sort of stopped talking for her for now. i don't want to get upset. i know she meant well but it's also so ignorant/stupid at the same time.

life - lol, you made me laugh about the sidetrack story...haha. i was searching on this forum, some women are experiencing permanent hair loss. i am reading that thread to get more info. i want to be educated before meeting the onco after surgery.