Single life after a mastectomy
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Oh i missed so much, i just saw the tread, Ladies let me tell you I went to the market to get a few movies cuz i am planning on relaxing today and for the next 3 days. I saw people shopping for Xtmas and couples. It all hit me again, I am single, another Xtmas alone. I am ok but sad, deep inside i miss having that special person to buy a xtmas gift and sharing the holiday. Well then i told myself, " Why are you so sad about that, the truth is that you were always the one buying nice gifts, no man had ever given you a great gift for xtmas since you were 19 and you lost your first love to another lady. " It all came back at me, i got the movies , stopped at the supermarket grabbed an avocado, some salad, yogurt, and came home feeling down. These past weeks i was busy studying for an exam so my mind was occupied and didnt bother me. Now tomorrow is mom s birthday and she is not longer here, Xtmas is here and i no longer have a BF. I really hope to get that exchange surgery and along with it some happiness. Pls forgive me for been down, Deb you tell me it seams i am truly moving on, but it just doesn't feel that way, at least not today. Hope the movies shear me up, got one with Channing Tatun lol that is a hot man i can watch over and over lol
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lol oh i am not buying any gifts this year, i isolated myself lol Hopping one of my sisters come over to be with me for my surgery, not sure yet apparently Air Canada is sold out for the dates we need her to flight. The thing with Xtmas, ,, i dont know what to think anymore. Hope we get better soon. I just want this year gone. 2013 was not good for me at all.
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I prefer shopping online anyway. I shop for my kids mostly. Re: Sharing at work. I happen to work somewhere where my co-workers are pretty compassionate folks. I work in a school. Yes there is always petty stuff but for the most part they are good people. Not everywhere is like that. As far as pity parties, I have them all the time and I don't like it. I like to think of myself as a Christian and it just feels so indulgent to me to focus on myself so. But these feelings of sadness persist and I have a bad habit, like some others, of comparing myself to others. I see many people who have been lucky to find a warm, supportive partner. But that has not been my life. My life has been what it is and I am reaching some acceptance of that. I agree with you lifeiswonderful that dating complicates your life immeasurably and makes you quite vulnerable; I'm not ready for that. I agree too that I feel a little old fashioned. I was never a prude but I think there is such access to porn, online chat, sexting, idk, I think it has affected men's expectation today. All these Victoria's Secret model types have had an influence. Anyway - I try to enjoy my alone time by watching old movies and doing things I enjoy but there's lots of work too and it goes slow when you're doing it by yourself. Both of my parents ended up alone and lonely; I did think my life would be different. But that fear of being just like them I think drove me to compromise and settle, hence my choices in men were not so great. I think I have trouble with commitment too. Lifeiswonderful - speaking of Tamoxifen, yes I get forgetful too - I write myself a lot of notes and lists - but I do think it is contributing to my depression as well. Estrogen impacts serotonin. I am taking Savella for the pain. It should be acting as an anti-depressant too I think but so far no. Maybe I haven't been taking it for long enough. It does make me lethargic too. Enerva - I hope your sister can make it out to you. It will be tough without support. And I think you are on the right track a bit - it is good to remember the failures of those relationships past too. It wasn't all wonderful or we would still be in them.
I tend to be an introvert. That doesn't help matters. Hence I am online seeking support, not calling or visiting friends. Am going to put on a Christmas movie and try to decorate now. Peace out.0 -
Juneping - It's good that you're doing your homework now before seeing the oncologist. After surgery, the oncologist gave me an option - either TAC or ACT. When I asked about permanent hair loss with Taxotere (the T in TAC), she said that it is a possibility for a small percentage of women. But, there are other kinds of risks associated with ACT. She gave me all of the information and let me make the choice. Besides the risks, there were differences in the schedules, which might factor into your decision, too.
I opted for ACT. The other patients I knew did relatively OK with A/C, but my very first A/C treatment put me in the hospital. Still, I continued with it, and everything went OK afterward. The Taxol was easy for me, although other patients had side effects with that one. So, anyway... it's a personal decision, and there are no guarantees, of course, but there's my experience, in case that helps you at all in making whichever choice is right for you.
All - There is one big plus to being "single" (or separated/divorced): It's nice to be able to make decisions without checking with another person first. For years, that's what I did (even though he never checked with me on anything). So, now I don't know if I ever want to share my life (how ever long that may be) with another person again. Sometimes I feel down, especially in colder weather when the skies look so gloomy, but then I picture every day with another person - it would be a job trying to keep a relationship going. For now, it's nice to enjoy watching the movies I want to watch, cooking and eating meals that I decide to make, etc., without checking with a husband first.
It'd be nice to share life with a person who is caring and trustworthy, so in that way being alone can be a downer. But, I'd rather be alone than share my days with someone who is not devoted to me in return. Know what I mean?
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I know exactly what you mean. I am now going to do what I want, watch the movie I want and not worry about cooking dinner (as I used to every single day for someone who expected a new fresh meal every single night). Yesterday I did my budgeting and planning and you're right - I answer to know one but myself. Thanks for the reminder. There are definite plusses.
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life - thank you for your support
i am sure i'll ask more questions once they have a treatment plan for me.
deb - oh i just roll my eyes on that kind of "lucky" comment.
mybee, Enerva - i am not doing xmas shopping neither this year. but will probably treat my sister to a nice dinner since she's coming all the way out here to take care of me after surgery. i told her it'll be our quality time after we left home over 20 years ago. i kind of look forward to it.0 -
Junepin if my sister makes here i will also go out to eat with her before Xtmas, cuz my surgery is on Dec 24, and she is also trying to come help me for that week. I really hope she makes it here. U just finished watching White house down, not bad.
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life - thank you for your supporti am sure i'll ask more questions once they have a treatment plan for me.
deb - oh i just roll my eyes on that kind of "lucky" comment.
mybee, Enerva - i am not doing xmas shopping neither this year. but will probably treat my sister to a nice dinner since she's coming all the way out here to take care of me after surgery. i told her it'll be our quality time after we left home over 20 years ago. i kind of look forward to it.0 -
Enerva - i really hope your sis can make it here0 -
Hi, I'm new to this forum but I've read a lot of the posts and I'm single, so I thought I'd throw my comments in here. I think my being single doesn't actually have anything to do with the BC (only talking about myself here). I've had relationships in the past & times when I wasn't in one. I, of course, sometimes want that one person around who I love & who loves me back, that person who is number one on my list & I'm number one on their's - but I also wonder if I ever really had that before. Maybe that was just never in my cards. That seems sad, but then I wonder how many people really have that -m y folks did - married for 65 years & adored each other (with the usual ups and downs). My day died last year & now my mom at 85 is incredibly lonely. She has dementia which doesn't make it any easier. I seem to think I would love to be in a relationship - but once in one always find it disappointing. Maybe my expectations are just wrong.0 -
hey Deb – I'm really glad that there's this place that we can talk too. I do know what you mean about the other threads, sometimes although there is something to be said for being positive, however I find that's generally not where I'm at, to be honest. I'm going to do something here that you shouldn't do and do a little comparing (which never really works out). I have a friend from college who developed breast cancer. I called her to offer some support (I found out on FB). It was after my diagnosis. It was a very good call and wonderful to connect with her after so many years. She did however talk about how wonderful her husband had been and how he is going to every doctor appointment with her, and her two adult children who were coming over to cook and to clean and to care for her. Her sister had come into town multiple times, and they live hours away, to take her out to eat, to see a movie or to go shopping. It was just such a very different experience from my own. I was very, very happy for her and I still am. But it does go to show you that everyone's journey is very different, very individual.
Deb I did start out on aromatase inhibitors. I tried all three on and off and then had a period of months last winter when I didn't take anything. And I felt better, more energetic, and just more myself. However the oncologists, and I've talked to several, look pretty alarmed when they find I'm not taking anything. So now I am on tamoxifen as a second choice and slowly tapered up to the therapeutic dosage I'm on now. I'm seeing my oncologist on Friday and I'm going to share with her how I'm feeling. We'll see how that goes. My tumor was 98% ER +. I'd like to be able to stick around for a while for my son.
What would be good is if I could exercise. I started walking at lunch and for some reason my right knee started acting up. I think I have read that anti-hormonals can progress arthritis more quickly although I'm not sure if that's so. (Another question for the oncologist). That might help me all the way around if I could stick to even a very simple exercise plan. Maybe that's something we could kind of support each other with? As far as eating right I think I'll wait until after the holidays lol.0 -
Sorry for such a long post. Blame Siri.0 -
Hi Ziggy & welcome. Our posts crossed.0 -
ziggy - i've always thought my parents' marriage was perfect, but i found out it's a lie few years back. since then i looked at my dad or men very differently. and actually after that, i somehow lost that illusion about marriage. i believe there're some great men out there but most of them are just dogs. afterall, none of us is perfect.
mybee - i just spent a big chunk of the afternoon reading a thread about women complaint about their SO and it's a very stressful situation. some husbands went from supportive to withdrawn. it's never which one is easier/better. but deal with what's on our plate. i haven't told my parents because i know they'll stress me out, i know i can't take they calling me all the time and ask me how i am doing and tell me how to accept it or blame me how i haven't been taking good care of myself. i think i accepted my dx and i know i will need to be strong for them because they will have a hard time to accept their daughter still single and have BC and no men will ever want her. i told a few people and appreciate some of them really respect the fact that i am not ready to talk. but some just called...sigh...i didn't pick up the phone. i think i'll ready to talk once i know my treatment plan. and i know they all want to know where i stand in BC which i have no idea.0 -
You know, I don't think that much about my mastectomy now that my reconstruction is all done. I do feel it when I'm doing things such as today when I was doing some digging outside, when you are really using that right pec muscle. That can be uncomfortable and sometimes I even get some shooting pains. However I don't think about it in part because I'm not dating. If I were dating, well, I probably would be concerned. And maybe deciding that, not to date, is my way of dealing with the mastectomy? I don't really know. It just doesn't seem to be the time for me right now though. I really do feel vulnerable, in part because of everything that's happened. I don't think I could take being disappointed again. Or hurt. And I do think in these later years or, I guess mid 50s isn't really later years, but now, the pickings are a little slim. I work with a lot of great guys, who are teachers, but they're all married, now. And have been for a long time.0 -
I guess what I was trying to say is, I really don't feel maimed or deformed or anything like that. I think we're all pretty brave to go through what we have and make the best of it. Life sends a lot of stuff your way and it's not always easy. But I've come a long way and I'm out on the other side. So for those of you just starting out with this journey, it does get a whole lot better.0 -
Junepin I also got the OMG my little sister is single and with BC looks from some of my Brothers, I am the last of 10, imagine, i had not history so in our family we never deal with anybody who had bc. My entire family came down hard with my bc. In some way i was glad to be far away from them. they were calling me every day and i some point i wished i had kept it a secret.
Ziggy Welcome, my mom past away this past July and she also had dementia, I never told her about my BC, i hided from her and it was very difficult specially when my hair was lost. I just said it was a treatment for a cyst, I know she suspected but i just couldnt tell her
Deb, Mybee, I sometimes feel very happy to be single and i guess its due to never really finding the right guy. I do know some lucky ladies with some great husbands and i wish them the best. I guess maybe i wont meet my other half or maybe one day it will happen. Now we can just try to be positive I loce that in this tread we can be piss or we can encourage each other and so far no judment
I am going to start knitting hats. Does anybody here knits? lol 0 -
lol i did a lot of knitting wile Chemo lol I will post a few pictures
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enerva - that's so cute. you are so talented.0 -
You will not believe me but i learn due to been sick with bc. It gave me something to do, Deb i ll send you more pictures, if you search in youtube there are lots of instructions easy to follow
. one of my niece was having a baby and i sent her lots of beautiful things. 
I now have lots of hats lol and i got very fast, i can knit a hat in a few hours. Deb this can be a ice project to give to the ladies at you bc center.
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wow...these are beautiful. what a lucky baby girl...
good night all.0 -
Enerva - Those are beautiful hats and baby outfits! At the chemo center, some of the patients knitted hats for other patients and gave them out for free. So, we all always had comfy, knitted hats to cover our bald heads. :-)
All - This thread really is jumping now. I wish we all lived in the same area so that we could meet once in a while and complain about men together in person. (lol) Like ziggypop, I too have been disappointed by men again and again.
It seems most women are looking for that one man - a soulmate who is devoted and true and a best friend, all in one. OTOH, most men just seem to be looking for some "action." ;-) Women and men - we really are different from each other.
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Lifewondrful and Ziggy, me too men have let me down, and yes i will love to meet you all one day.
its 2: 56am i just got up to take a pain killer, its been almost 9 months since Bmx and still not comfort to sleep. 
so glad this TE are staying in 2013 lol Hope you all have a great week. 0 -
sorry Deb those were crochet lol here is a picture of knitted little shoes, lol You must get the needles out I ll PM you this afternoon we can start a few project. Yes men are from another planet. lol Las night my ex bf send me a mgs saying, Are we getting together before 2014? i bet he needs TLC. Where was Him these past months? When I was so down, when i need it someone to tell me everything was going to be ok? I simply sent him a mgs saying, Well i dont see it happening unless you come to visit. Which he wont do cuz he leaves 2 1/2 hours north and never drove a mile to see me in the past, it was always me driving to him, I regret all the years i waisted with that guy.
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Deb i only knew the basic, and then watched the videos in youtube lol you just follow the ladies, many videos and very easy. I thought i could never knit those dresses or shoes, hats and then You tube was great. Its as if you have a private teacher you can pause the video and start again lol I ll PM ans we can start some project we can follow the same videos, it will be fun and you will be busy, once you start you will see how easy it can be.
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OMG girls. OMG.
I cannot get older looking and gain weight. I have issues as it is! Criminy. (I'm 43) I don't know if my psyche can handle it all. God help me. This sucks.0 -
Lol you girls put a smile in my face. Lets find a way to wake up from this nightmare
If any of you wake up first please make sure to wake me up too. 0 -
Deb i just sent you an email with something to make you smile, some one sent it to me, i wanted to post it here but i may get in trouble ha ha ha ha would that be nice for Xtmas? lol
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I wish there was the little LIKE button at the bottom of posts.
Thanks Deb.0 -
enerva - aw...those little booties are so adorable...
how's everybody's day? i was so busy...just got home. but i did stop at wholefood to buy some veggi + fruits.0
