Single life after a mastectomy
Comments
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Glad to see this thread! I just turned 52 and am single. I'd wondered about the whole thing, with dating and all. I do believe that if they can't see the real me or accept me the way I am, they're not the one for me.
Still, have cautious ideas about the whole dating thing after mastectomy. Would wait until after recon, of course.
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Welcome to the thread Galsal. You are in good company here. Lots of support
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i have a similar problem. im young and i dont find i can trust my body any more let alone become confident enough to get into a relationship. i have a few guy friends but as for finding a possible mate i just dont think I'm attractive enough for a good guy. i have a good personality i think.
i know the right guy will love me no matter what but my confidence is a bit low to even for example asking someone i like out or any of the simple getting to know you stuff that you do when someone approaches you.
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hrf -" And being left as a result of mx plays havoc with self esteem and long term recovery. Unless you've walked in our shoes, you don't know how terrible it is." I was re-reading this thread and came across this. It really is being left or disregarded during BC treatment, mastectomy that knocks you down in a way I have not experienced before. I don't think even the counselor at the cancer center is 'getting it'. It's traumatic.
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That's exactly "it" mybee. It's just not the same.
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Well, I 'get it' sister. How are you doing now? ((Hug))
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Unfortunately, you do. It's not a good place to be. I'm getting through each day but not looking to meet men at this time. I keep busy with friends and family.
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I am not looking to meet men either but am improving day by day. Two steps forward, one step back. Keeping busy is good. Committed myself to an exercise plan today and took a few other steps to take care of myself. That is good too, considering where I was at when the relationship ended, just a couple of mos. after my mastectomy. Still fragile, but trying to do what is best for myself. You are a good inspiration for me.
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Lauri, you are so right about us seniors,he can't say anything about my fake boobs and I wont talk about his false teeth and titanium knee that sets off the security everytime we go in thru security at the airport. At least my "foobs" wont cause us to be pat down at the airport!! He cheated a lot until a few months back and I felt sure he would leave over the bmx but he has stuck with it. He even seems too needy now! Guess if you almost lose something you love,it seems to take on new value to you.
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hrf - Have had two steps back. Wishing he could have been alone for at least a bit before meeting the new victim. How unfair he never had to think or feel lonely. That is my journey; at least for now. Lots of stressors lately. I am glad you keep busy with friends and family. Work and child reponsibilites overwhelm me. Sometimes I wonder why anyone would want to socialize with me. Am feeling great distance from people for a number of reasons Being a single Mom, with a disabled young adult who I fear for, numerous unfulfilling relationships w/ men, BC, upcoming surgeries (two for this summer) financially stressed, just a lot of responsibiity; it is enough to just get through the day. It is all a bit much and leaves me less than light hearted with other women. I don't feel connected with them and I fear I have few friends left. Do you find that a problem?.
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I was/am a single mom - 3 boys - aged 3, 8, 11 when I divorced. They are grown up now but I took care of them and built a successful career. Was overwhelming at times. But I always maintained my relationships with girlfriends. I retired from work this past September because after having BC 2 times I just didn't have the ability to continue as it was a high stress demanding job. I keep busy with friends and family. And I like my quiet time as well. I don't feel I need a relationship to complete me. And while it would be nice to be more financially secure, I am managing to live within my means. I think it's important to be happy with yourself and not put the focus on finding a man.
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I agree with you. I am thinking that perhaps once I am through this 'emotional recovery period', friends and fun will come easier.I am in the process of building my friend base; I said good bye to our shared friends and couples. So that was 4 years of socializing down the drain. But I am having a much better day today. Just stopped Effexor and started Aromasin. May be making me moody.
I remember the job you had - yes, it would be quite a bit, stressful. I am glad you have time for you now.
I do like quiet time too now. 0 -
txkari - to get back to your original question, I have heard some lovely stories of love after BC. Truly. I think you will be fine if you choose wisely, guard your heart and body, are content with yourself and don't look for a man to complete you, rather find him to be your friend, then companion and lover. I wish I could think of some examples - I do know of someone in my church who had a very radical mastectomy, a Mom with a preschooler, who has found life with a new partner. The newsletter talked about her spirit in the face of recurring BC. And I have read other stories on these threads.
hrf - I realized I have been thinking in these terms: that if I never want to find a man, then former BF/T. has 'won', as he was seeking to keep me 'down' and 'break me". Reframing: Instead perhaps he taught me the value of my own self worth, that I deserve contentment and someone to be there for ME, and the necessity of seeking my own destiny in a way nothing else or no one else could have. Yes, I hurt, and have many scars but I am definitely wiser and much less dependent, and that is quite good
That is ultimately a victory for me. Or less loftily, a valuable, painful lesson.0 -
Good thoughts, mybee -- I was five years post-treatment when I decided to try online dating (and 20+ years post-divorce ... lots of single mom time) so I was pretty comfortable with my revised body image and independence. Lots of online "matches" (better called "mismatches") most of whom weren't interested enough to even initiate conversation. But all it takes is one ... and we found each other. Weve been together over a year, married 4 months.
It might not happen this week or this month, but it's always possible.
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lauri - That's a really nice story and a positive attitude. You were single for a long time! I'd like to focus on single Mom stuff right now too. It's very busy with the kids. They are teens but there's still lots to take care of. I've had a couple of therapists/counselors who have talked about focusing on me, developing myself, etc. but this requires time and money. Not much of either is left at the end of the day. But that's okay. They grow up so quickly and I want to share life with them.
It feels really weird now not to be actively looking for a man. It is the first time in my life actually, that I have been alone and not actively looking. I think BC changed a whole lot of things for me. I am learning that my needs are pretty important, but perhaps not in the same way others might see it.
txkari - how are you doing now with your BC, surgery, reconstruction, etc? I hope you are doing well.............
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I had a couple of thoughts about being single with BC. First, I think being alone made it easier for me to choose a BMX as my treatment since I had no one to consider except myself. Also, if at some point I am beginning a new relationship, a guy's reaction to my having a BMX is just one more filter to assess if he is someone worth getting to know.
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That's a positive way of re-framing it. Makes dating a bit daunting tho'
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I'm not sure if anyone still checks this, but I'm single, too. Finding someone pre-BMX was tough enough! (I've gone 9 years so far without being involved in a relationship & I only just turned 40). I had my BMX w/expanders December 4, 2012, so I'm not due for exchange till early April. I am on a dating site, I really do want to date, I seem to have been fortunate with the self-esteem issues that so many of us suffer from, but I just can't seem to meet someone that I'm interested in who is interested in me... although, I freely admit that I use the BMX to scare away some of the really creepy and/or needy ones. Only one has continued sending me messages after my "casual" mention of recent major surgeries turns into a revelation about the BMX. He actually seems like a decent guy, just a little too needy for me.
To be honest, I have felt like I wanted to become an exhibitionist lately. The TEs are oddly-shaped, but they stand up on their own! I weighed 286 pounds 5 years ago & lost 100 of it before I was diagnosed, so the girls were droopy, saggy, sad messes. So far I have refrained from flashing my coworkers & asking their opinion (I work in law enforcement, I've never met a cop who would turn down a free flash, lol), but some days it's a tough decision!
I hope that everyone, including me, finds love. Especially the ability to love ourselves & the big, scary changes that BC has wrought in our lives!
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Well, I'm on a couple of dating sites now so we will see how it goes. I don't think I would want to tell someone until after a bit. I would really have to trust the guy I think. Idk. Playing this by ear. If I can work up the courage to have a cup of coffee (this more due to my last bad rel. than anything else) it will be a grand accomplishment!
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There is definitely life after mastectomy and even if there wasn't single life isn't that bad there is many pleasures in life besides dealing with another guy
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Yes. I definitely agree with that.
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I joined eHarmony, wasn't having any luck with Plenty of Fish. I'm so tired of being single!
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Hmm, I don't know why I didn't spot this forum for singles before! I've been single for 10 years.. oh a few brief relationships, but generally single. During surgeries and treatments, my family and the community around me truly kept me going. Now that the most difficult treatments are over, I find myself floundering a bit... finances are not ideal, rebuilding my crashed business makes me think there's something different I ought to be doing, etc, plus still continuing treatment (herceptin and tamoxifen). Only now, for the first time in 10 years, am I thinking how lovely it would be to have someone in my life... I haven't taken any serious steps to go looking. Definately a couple guys who seemed interested before turned themselves into definate 'just friends' during this.
So on the surface, losing my hair, my business, a breast, etc doesn't make for the best 'catch' in the world. But I still think I'd be one heckuva a catch for someone... a zest for life, adventure, creativity, and genuine compassion for people.
During chemo, while bald, I did create a profile on plenty of fish.. for two weeks. I did it more as a lark than anything. I posted the bald picture, and was honest, but I think, with some classy humor. (should have saved the writeup for your giggling entertainment) I thought it would be rather amazing if someone connected, but certainly didn't expect it. No one did... those silly Shallow boys. ~smile~
ON a sincere note, remember, we are more than we were before. We are wiser. We've had a learning curve that has increased our awareness on many levels. We've had an experience that has us seeing what truly is important, and dismissing a lot that isn't. We have an appreciation for life that those who have not had difficult journeys often do not... and I suspect that for many of us, we have more compassion and are less judgmental of others, making us good people to be around.
Truly, a guy would be fortunate to have one of us in their lives.And how is the internet dating going, those of you doing that?
Hugs to all of you
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Internet dating is going nowhere! I'm trying to have patience, but... my patience ran out a few years ago, long before the BC!
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I have chatted with a few on POF and Christian Mingle - emails and some phone calls - but have really met no one. I feel I have a pretty good eye now at this point and can see someone isn't for me fairly easily. Or I'm just scared. The pool seems a little thin and I am lacking some in confidence. Feeling pretty out of shape after 5 surgeries and other issues............still needing to take care of myself so maybe the timing is bad. I remember the old me though. She had fun in her relationships, but they didn't last and ended in heart break so, maybe this is better. I am definitely selective now! My life and time are very precious now.
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Hi i am now 40 and still single, just wondering if any of you had any luck with the internet dating? i am not sure about it, but its been in my mind now, is it for real i will never meet my other half? lts been so hard to go through BC alone, and i ask if i didnt meet him before BC will i even have a chance now? lol
Anyway just thought i say hi
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Enerva,
Not sure how many are still checking this thread, but I'd be interested in chatting with other single survivors. I am 45 and single. I did not have good luck with match.com before bc and haven't figured out my strategy yet for post bc. I will have my exchange surgery around Thanksgiving.0 -
Placid44 thanks for your reply, my exchange surgery is in Dec 24. I have to be honest i think once i go back to work i may forget about finding the special one. before bc my life was pretty much about work and home, then in 2011 i realized the big 40 was around the corner and then bc came along. Now i am not sure what is next. I know everybody says oh you will be fine, this will make you stronger, but will it really? i read the post of others who at least have that someone by their side and i wonder. Anyway lets keep in touch i have a girlfriend who use to live in virginia, she is now in Denver, yesterday i was talking to her about this and she is in the same shoes, single. i just feel bc has taken away a part of me which is the piece of mind, and i cant help to not feel different now,it is good to have a single friend who knows what i am going through
lets PM and exchange emails0 -
Hi Enerva and Placid44. I am single and have been for a long time. I have never done the internet hook-up thing. I would be interested in chatting with you about post bc dating strategies/ideas.0 -
Hi FLwarrior, well i have to wait till next year due to still having TE lol not a sexy thing to have. i think we defiantly have to find a way to meet new people but i am not crazy about the internet thing. Have any of you ever thought of going on a trip to a singles destination someone told me there are some great place with ClubMed or Sandals lol i am not sure but i will love to take a trip for one week somewhere and meet single people wile resting at a beautiful place. lol Just an idea i guess. PM to exchange emails take care
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