Single life after a mastectomy
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xoxoxoxo
Happy day
Piper
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lol that is a nice pic, i must keep it lol
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Hi single ladies- well, I went to the store yesterday and found they were still had many expensive arrangements for V-day around, but none on sale! Seems like it is more like V-day weekend and people were still buying stuff, including the flowers! But I found a basket of beautiful sale gerba daisies and purple calla lily plants. I bought a few of those and also one for a friend who I was going to see last night for a memorial dinner in honor of her mothers passing (very lovely).
So last night, there was a man there who kept looking at me and we talked a bit. I could not tell if he was with anybody, but it turns out he was there with his sister. Don't worry, I am not the kind of woman who is going to pick up a man at a funeral, but enjoyed just talking to him a bit. I find myself in different circle with new people lately and just visiting with folks seems very do-able right now. I am normally a social butterfly but have not been as much since it all went down. So I am practicing my group social skills. A man who goes with his sister to a memorial dinner seems like a possibly nice man to me.
I often feel the way many of you do about trying to date and find someone new. Will someone like me once they know I have had cancer? Then there are the body image issues. It is just unfamiliar territory for all of us.
I am glad to have this place to talk about single stuff! Thank you for letting me be here with you and wishing you all a good day!
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Newlife, Fearless and voicewriter, my heart goes out to all of you. I too lost what i thought was a relationship and true friendship of many years. He was mean and nasty if i feel down or cry, then he just flat refuses to talk to me anymore. I did not handle it very well and called me a few times after that and he got the authorities involved to stop me from contacting me. I would like to you know how you brave ladies handled the loss situation. I do not want any negative situation in my life when i am trying to direct all my energy to healing the breast cancer right now. But it is all about him. the final thing was me asking him to respect my wishes to not go around town and tell everyone about my illness. he could not but ironically he demands that i respect his wishes not to call him anymore. i feel weak and obsessed at times and i know if i did call him again, i would be in even more trouble with the authorities, but i just do not know how anyone can be so cruel as to not even offer friendship when another person needs it. that was all i was asking for. just once a day phone conversation to chat. he would not even do that and for a 7 year relationship. i understand you cannot control other people or your environment but just worried that this will negatively affect my recovery. Any input you ladies have will be greatly appreciated. Thank you!!! take good care and many many hugs and good luck!
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BB- I feel much the same way. The threads here are a safe place to go when other people are too much. I have felt like that a lot the past few years with the death of my mother, followed by the health issues. I have a few trusted friends that know about my bc and keep in touch and get out with me as they can or I need to go. I am grateful for them. It has been an illuminating journey to find out who can be present with you, vs. shoo you away or be mean to you. I also have a number of people who don't know so I never have to deal with their reactions to any of it (chose to keep things very private for professional reasons).
Lettinggo- I am sorry to hear that your ex has been so unkind to you during all this. Makes a bad situation that much worse, doesn't it?
Although I am not married, nor did I have a partner during my diagnosis and treatment time, I had one long time friend (20 years) that was always so good about everything that went on that was not so good (job losses, elder care issues, deaths in the family, etc.) But she has not been very kind during my cancer treatment and recovery. She expected me to pursue her with updates, would ask how I was doing then if I responded I was struggling fatigue, I was told I was depressed. I finally just told her (and this was all through e-mail) that she did not understand what it was like to go through cancer treatment. Then things began to distance, and I stopped talking to her about my health with her. She kept asking throughout the year "so you are all recovered now and have your energy back, right?" Made me feel like yes was all she wanted to hear. Like I just had the flu or something. I never would answer those questions after that, I did not want her judgement. She was not part of my support system.
She stopped keeping in touch late last year, and I feel like the friendship has run it's course. She lives back in my home state, we have no mutual friends and just feel like we both are moving on now. I was really taken by surprise by the way she reacted to my bc, but human nature is an unpredictable thing. She has never had many friends, and has poor relationships within her family, and know she has had a number of friends/co-workers from a previous job that have died from cancer. I think I just learned way late in the game that this is not something she can deal with, and that is fine too. I have to take care of myself, and don't feel the need to make her feel okay about things. It is her issue, not mine.
And that is what I wanted to share, what other people do has more to do with them than us. They inability to be empathetic, kind, supportive, etc. around any of this. Did loosing the friend of 20 years hurt? Absolutely. But I cannot stay connected to someone who is unkind or dismissive around this. People can be really wonderful, or they can really suck!
I am wishing you better days with people who love and support you!
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Letting go i hope you find the strength to let go, i have never been in that situation so i am not sure of what to say. Only that we are here for each other , we are able to share and or vent without judgment. Sending you hugs.
Jazz i had similar situation not with one but with a few people, woman can be hard on us by expecting us to recover fast. One time one of my coo worker said how i was lucky cuz there are woman in other countries or even here that have no insurance and work wile on chemo. That hurts me the most that she try to make me feel bad fir been weak and sick, Well i am sorry i did chose to not work i eat my savings and use what ever the insurance could give me. I also stop communication with those people. In fact i only kept in touch with two man from the office. Last Friday i got an email from one of them to tell me he is going back to his country for good due to immigration not granting him an extention. So tomorrow i ll go have lunch with him, his wife and two little boys. They are from India. I feel terrible they must return home, he was my supervisor when i got sick. Anyway man from the field i was in were so nice and kind but woman were mean as if always trying to blame me for thing that went wrong, always looking at me to critizes what i wear or not wear. I always ignore them n i was always polite and always wiling to stay late etc. Now i am a different person i feel bc has hurt me in a way and not very nice. I am honest i want people to stay away from me i just want to go do my job then gi home. As soon as i can i will leave that conpany and never look back.
Good night ladys
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Enerva- so sorry to hear about the way you were treated by the women at your job. I think I would have experienced more of it too had I told more people. I kept my diagnosis to a selected few, because I am a self employed consultant and knew the info would work against me if it were openly known. Reasons not to be chosen for projects and assignments.
I was in between assignments when I was diagnosed so I had my surgery, then got offered some work a I was going into rad treatments. I said yes to it, but said I had to work PT for a few months, which the client agreed to. They never knew anything about it and they still don't.
We all have to decide how we are going to go through this. Some women work through treatment, some don't. Everyone's financial and support system is different. No one's to judge, yet some people feel a need to tell you what you should be doing. I read once that when adults try to tell other adults what to do, it is a form of emotional abuse. When people show you who they are, believe it.
I have a similar situation with this current contract (which I began in Dec 2012 and will finish this summer). I work with a lot of mean women. They are nasty even without knowing anything, I can only imagine how much worse they would be if they knew. Too bad women feel a need to treat each other this way, but some work work cultures are like that. I am done with this assignment in June, and won't be going back there for anything more. It has served it's purpose to get me back to work, provide needed income, etc.
I hope your lunch with the fellow that was your manager goes well. Too bad he has to leave and he sounds like a really good guy with the way he supported you through everything.
Keep us posted too on Venezuela and your plans to go there to help your sister. Wishing you on the very best here.
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I came to hide in the singles cave.
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Piper- I think I will hang here with you! I belong to a few threads but this one and the Hermits I like the best as there are enough people here without having to wade through pages when I don't check every day. Both the Insomniacs and Armidex threads are very busy!
Did everyone have a good Presidents Day? Did folks work, have the day off, do anything fun or struggle to survive in the snow?
We have our first wildfire here, which in Feb is not a good sign. We usually never have wildfires this early but are super dry here as is most of the west. I wish the weather would redistribute some of the moisture!
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Hi ladies, My day was so good i went and met my supervisor wife and two boys they were great, bad news is that the bad ladies are in charge of all project back at the office so i have to be strong when i get back. lol Oh Well i will try my best and see if it improves, if not i will have my mortgage license and my Real Estate as plan B. Something will come my way.
i need to stay positive. This guy offer me a partnership if i decide to go to India lol I have not idea but i cant no say never, i will see where things go from now. Jazz holly i agree with you i cant keep up with the insomniac group lol
Anyway i am making some coffee and came back and crochet some baby shoes and hat i will mail the family i met today, their second boy is only 6 months old i did brought them some toys but offer her a set of crochet things so its all done i will mail it tmw since they will leave to India in two weeks. Here is what i ll send tmw
So do this count as a good thing for me? was it Piper or Sand that started to act or do kind things for others? hummm i cant remember there u can see how bad my mind is these days. Tmw my books get here so bye bye crochet lol
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Enerva- what beautiful things you make! I know you have been posting your beautiful creations on the Insomniacs thread too. How beautiful!
Sorry to hear about those women taking over the project. I am not sure what the policy is in Canada, but in the US, people cannot harass you in the workplace because of disability or other health related issues. At my client site, they are just harassing in nature, although one bothered me today. I think working off site may have made them wonder if I am looking to bail out (and yes, in four months when the contract is done, I am outta there!) I hope it is tolerable when you go back, but I hear your concern there.
Anyone watching True Detective on HBO? I find it totally engrossing!
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Jazz i PM u just now lol
Girl i love that show lol not liking the way they are going after Mathew and still not able to watch Mathew smoke like that lol Still cant wait for next episode. Do you think Mathew is a killer? i am so confused lol
Yes here they need to watch what they say regarding my sickness but i am nervous they will find a way to pick on me. Ohhh i said i ll be positive so no i think all will be pink from now on lol
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E-those came from your hands and your heart. The kindest gesture I can think of.
I do not have cable, So I am always missing out on the shows everyone is watching unless it's on on of the major networks or Netflix.
Oh Jaz, I am sorry the fires are starting up so early, These crazy weather systems have some of us in a deep freeze while your area is warm and too dry. Wish I could import the several inches of new snow that just fell.
I am totally getting what you gals are saying, I was trying to deny where I am in my head at the moment.
When mostly I am needing more time to myself. I find some people in my life and even at work have become so draining, I am avoiding talking to or spending time with them. My BFF has been emotionally draining as of late. On top of that, when we have spoken on the phone, I can never get a word in edgewise lately and she never knows how I am feeling or what is going on in my life. I have gotten to the point I am not sure I have the energy to speak with her.
Now I am barking at my son. Gosh I want to run away
That darn PMS bug isn't helping either
BLAH
I think I'm going to crawl into my bed
xo
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Sand, hope you feel better tmw, I have to be honest today when i visited that indian family they live in a small building had to take the stairs and i was out of breath, I was there for only 3 hours and came strait home, around 30 minutes drive each way, when i got home i took a shower and went strait to my bed to crochet, i felt so tired as if i had a long day and then it heat me, when blues says she is so tired at work. Wow when i think i am almost 100% better i realize not so true
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Oh and today my sister saw a different doctor, This guy seams better at least he did a biopsy on her node then he say if the c is in her node then he will advise Chemo first at least 2, if not he will do the surgery. Also agreed on a Nipple sparing M so i am glad, i ll see when i will gi home after my appointment this coming Sunday. There is a lot of problems in Venezuela right now so not very safe. I also went to the back to get some $ and today due to holiday it was close so thats my plan for tmw.
will go to post office and the bank and see if i make it with better energy. Maybe ll stop at the organic store just to browse lol 0 -
Hi have a look at this place, i wish we could all be siting there
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Enerva- wow, what a beautiful photo. I too wish we were all sitting there, but I would never want to leave! Makes me yearn for travel to a warm place with lush foliage.
I am glad to hear your sister got a second opinion. Finding the right doctors in all of this is one of the biggest challenges with all this. I was always looking for information, pros and cons to various treatments, etc. I had a couple second opinions along the way during my treatment and never regretted it.
Piper- I know what you mean about friends tapping into too much of our energy. Even our BFFs can do that.
My childhood BFF who lives a state away called today, and I just did not answer it. She is going through a difficult time with her husbands family and listened a few weeks ago at length. Today she called when I was at work so I just did not answer. I listened to the message later, and then was glad I didn't pick up. Lots of family drama and I although care about her, but cannot spend hours discussing her husband's family's problems. I just told her via e-mail I was buried with work and had deadlines and would talk to her soon. Sometimes we need to put people on "pause" and take care of ourselves and check in with them later when we are ready.
Work was crazy today!
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I desperately need sleep..............I love that pic E-how nice to imagine all of us sitting there chatting up a storm or in quiet contemplation
Jazz-yes, sometimes we do need to put those people on pause. Sometimes they probably need to put me on pause.
I feel guilty cause I love her so much, but I am glad I spoke up so you could help me put that in perspective.
Nighty ladies
Piper
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hi single ladies i am 39 yrs breast cancer changed my life in so many ways .my husband is no more interested in me he thinks i should b thankful to him that he is taking care of me .he is sleeping in diff bedroom when i started my chemo .i had no support from my husband during chemo .i had my recon 26 nov i am feeling good n complete.i did it for myself only .at this age i need someone who can listen me i dont want to grow old alone.but its so hard to trust again on some one and start new life from scratch .it gives me pain when i see couples of my age happy are we the unlucky ones .i have so many friends they are below average in looks and so many ways .i dont miss my husband but i feel alone i miss companion ship .my sex drive is low after mastactomy .all the good mens are occupied i think
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Milkyway- I am glad you found us. I am sorry your husband was not there for you with all you went through. This is a good place to talk about single woman stuff, whether you are by choice or otherwise.
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True Detective... I'm in.
I do not think he is a killer.
Milky way. I feel your pain and can relate. I truly believe that men go through their own process when their wives are diagnosed. Some rally and some run for the hills. I think they start thinking about their own mortality.
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Betsy. You are so right on peoples reaction to cancer. My ex checked out while I was in treatment then got a double dose of mortality reality when he had his own health scare. Honestly as much as it hurt I'm so glad to be free. My life flows now and it wasn't before.
Milky Way, welcome! Its tough adjusting to single life for sure . It's abusive to tell someone they are lucky to have them take care of you. You are going to make it.
I can't look back further on my phone so I'll have to catch the rest of you later
As for me I've started to realize men are paying attention to me but not the ones I want.
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Milkyway, I know you feel hurt. Have you and your husband tried counseling?
Back when I was having chemo, my oncologist told me about a clinical trial for marriage counseling geared specifically for breast cancer patients and their spouses. I hope that clinical trial led to something helpful for other couples.
My husband was cheating on me - that's why we broke up. But, if your husband isn't cheating, then maybe there's still hope for your marriage.
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life is wonderful my husband needs new life with new wife new house its midlife crises .he is physician he looks after 40 patient a day he think he doesnt need any help he wants a model or i dont know
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Hi MW, welcome
Ohhhhhhhhhhh ladies................if I could snap a pic of the plumber that just walked through my front door.......wow
what a way to start my day....that and my monthly friend, but hey! I believe Mr. Dreamy is the cure for my womanly blues.
You should see his azz!
Wow.....holy hormonal flood gates
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lol Sand that is too funny
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Oh geez BB.......what?
hugs
Most insurance agencies sell individual policies. I am not very familiar but you could explore what an individual policy would be for say Blue Cross and what ever major providers you have in your area. (Tufts perhaps if I remember your state correctly)
Every agency has to comply with the new affordable care act within a certain time frame. I know my insurance company/corporation has been implementing the changes over the last 2 years in preparation for the roll out.
Such as: PCP yearly visit and annual Gyne visits are covered without a copay.
Know my thoughts are with you and warm hugs surround you friend.
Message me if you need anything! Or just an ear to bend.
Piper
PS. I am in love with the plumber. Now to correct my age or his.
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BB, sorry to hear about your job. You should be able to do cobra insurance for a while but I know the previous can be expensive. Can you get another job? Also I hate that you still have drama with your ex after your divorce was settled. That would make moving on difficult.
Milkyway, love your poster. It's true you can't change or save him, you can only control your own reaction. Living well is your best revenge.
Sandpiper, glad you can still feel tingles when a sexy plumber comes by. I'm so numb I can't feel anything like that.
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BB- what happened at work? Talk to us if you need to here about it.
Piper- nothing wrong with a hot plumber. Makes writing out the expensive check easier too!
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