Single life after a mastectomy
Comments
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Enerva i am so happy for you .you proved one more time that you are a strong girl i know its very hard to tell a guy about BC that really needs courage i am glad that you told him .at his point you dont want any mess or misunderstanding so it is important to tell the right situation it will help for you to see wot to expect from relationship you are not n hurry observe him and enjoy good company.its different and great feeling with male close friend you feel protected and strong .i dont know its a part of my culture that i feel safe with males brother son or husband .
Yesterday when i was cleaning my drawer i found a letter that was 20 years old written by my husband its kind of love letter i was at my moms place and he was home.i didnt know how to react after reading that but that gave me good feeling that in future i will show that to my kids to let them know how everything changes with time and i felt somebody loved me i was in loving relationship for years.i really want to show that man those letters n ask him wot was that i am the same person so many W s i can understand all his feelings are expired .does everything in this world come with expiry date .its hard to digest so many truth in life.
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Enerva- wow, you really put yourself out there into the world yesterday. First of all, I am proud of you for going on the date and allowing someone new into your life. I like the comment you made how he said he would meet you half way or come to you which means he IS interested vs. what you experienced before. And you were a brave girl to put the BC out there right away, but he seems to understand it and is not afraid. I am REALLY happy for you, this guy sounds great out of the shoot, and hope you continue to enjoy getting to know one another.
Whew girlfriend, a bike ride in some not so good weather too. Well I can understand you must have been anxious to get out there on your new purchase. Sounds like your body is tired though, and I hope you can rest today.
Milky- your note about the love letter was really interesting to me. I think it is good to remember we are lovable no matter what happens in our relationships. I think your comment about helping your children to understand everything changes with time is a really good thing for them to know. It is a fact of life in all relationships. You are so strong and wise and despite all that has happened, are moving forward with your life in such positive ways.
BB, Life, Piper, Viv and everyone else, wishing you a good Sunday!
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BB- I have not had a chance to talk to the trainer yet about the menopause and muscle build, but promise I will ask the question this week!
Please remember too that all of us are at different stages with our treatment and recovery. I was diagnosed EXACTLY two years ago today (9/14) and finished my rads in March 2013. I am almost a year ahead of you with DX and had different treatment too, so in a year from now, my guess is you will be in a very different place than you are today. It takes as long as it takes to get better, just gotta keep at it.
It was not really until this year things felt like they were finally stabilizing for me. Getting through treatment was huge. Getting through my first follow up too (this time last year) was also a huge hurdle for me. I just keep trying to move forward.
It sounds like you have dropped too much weight. Protein will help you keep your muscle and the carbs will surely add weight. You might want to look into some of the nutrition shakes. Some are designed to help you gain weight?
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good morning bb, remember it's been 2 years for me. You need time plus just cuz things are happening it does not really mean I am done with this bc stuff. I am always thinking about the what is next, and I think like jazz and piper they have their jobs and maybe once we start working then maybe it will be much better. The time I spent worrying I rather spend it working lol I am only afraid I am not longer the bright brain or the fast multitasking person and once they see my outside apareiance they we expect me to be the person I am not longer am. Not surprisingly I make sence. I know I am not longer the person who worked over time hours with no over time paid.I was the person staying late I was the employee who went in on the weekends or holidays. I am not longer that person.I feel I am bitter now and I won't be able to be push on. I don't know if it is all the unger I carry inside. Lol it's not easy to see it but I am still angry 😡 .
Yes it's a long process ,hoping this new man will be the one to grow old with ha ha ha who knows right .?
Milky yes it's a good idea to teach the kids about how love changes or Expires but at the same time it's not really a good idea. Sorry toasty this but the way I See it is that the beaf between you and their father should be between you and that man. Don't get me wrong but when I Was fifteen I was Sit down on a chair by one of my Sisters and she told me history about who my father was not the father I had in a pedestal but a cruel man who treated my mother as a slave for most of their marriage . Long history short it reality hurt me so deep ,so deep that i still cry about it. Yes I Am glad I learner the truth cuz i grew closer to mom after that ,before that I loved my father more I Am been honest here. So it's a difficult thing to do. Some of this thing is better to teach but be careful cuz kids get hurt and the Damage can cause problems for them.
Anyway hoping everybody's doing well today.
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Hi ladies- men seem to change in midlife. I have observed it with so many of my friends and their marriages that have ended in their 40s and 50s. It sounds like a number of women here started out in loving relationships, with men who were good to their children too, and then something did change. I think men are particularly good at taking their frustrations and unfilled dreams out on their spouses and children.
My father told me when I was an adult he never wanted children. I will tell you I was a bit surprised to hear that (being one of his children), but it explained a whole lot. He was very distant with us when we were younger. He liked us better when we were older. My parents were playing the game, although both were deeply unhappy with themselves and with each other. I am pretty sure he was off having affairs in his midlife, from what I later learned from my mother.
If there is anything to be said about now vs. then, is that in many cultures, women have more of a choice to be married (or not), have children (or not).
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BB- you were talking about the sleeve so you must have some lymphedema. Are you still going to New Orleans soon or will you wait to find out about that program you are trying to get into?
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what is the best way to teach about relatioships as Enetva said kids might hurt.
Every thing change so wot is real ?
Save money for you .hide your accounts and secrets who knows wot happens tom i m so bitter at this point i have not to do list hahaha
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Milky- you made a good point I have lived by my whole life. Have your own money, however that comes to you. Through work, alimony, inheritance, etc. I have always felt men use their financial advantage to control and often hurt women.
I don't have children, but the children I have had in my life I have tried to teach by example. Your children are seeing you move on with your life, getting an education, working to take care yourself.
I try not to make excuses for people either with any uncool behavior. Everyone is entitled to a bad day, but no one is entitled to use and abuse other people. Like BB, your kids may be forming their own opinion about their dad. As they get older, that will get stronger for them.
And to teach them self-esteem. It is important to be the kind of person you can look in the mirror at every day and like. People with good self esteem don't feel the need to keep others down.
I had so many bad examples of good men in my family that I learned this lesson very early in life.
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BB: Maybe you are really a Buddhist in disguise!
Well ladies: It so nice to be on this thread - it encourages me to see some hope down the line ....
So I really need your help because I am so going to lose it......I am almost 3 months out, and my belly is so hard and distended.....I look 4 months pregnant. I am a petite 5'1' and 125 lbs. Did anyone experience this type belly at 3 months out?
I had an x-ray and ultra sound last Mon ordered by my PCP. PS states he has never seen this....I find that hard to believe.
I have gall stones, which means another surgery due to recent painful attacks. I have to complete blood work tomorrow to see if there is an infection.
I do not believe that my gallbladder is related to the belly.
Please help if you have heard of this......especially if it is normal.
Many thanks!
Lisa
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BB- I do agree with your therapist about the man you met after your divorce. I believe we have relationships in our life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Rare are the people that will be in your lifetime, often the family you are born into or possibly a spouse. If you are lucky, a lifetime BFF. I think he may have come in to your life to show you what REAL love looks like. And then he needed to go on his way to follow his own journey. Everyone is on a journey, and sometimes we only intersect for awhile.
I think your therapist is right too about the fact people have their own path and destiny. It sounds like everything he did lead up to him following this path to the Buddhist priesthood. I think they are pretty careful when taking in people and want them to be sure. Now you are going to find out where your path is going to take you....
It sounds like your husband just wanted you under his thumb. If you wanted a graduate degree and never got one, maybe that is something you can do now too. Before you said you cannot afford it, the question should be "how can I make it happen?" You may want to look into PEL grants.
And I think it is PERFECT that your ex-husband is now with someone JUST LIKE HIM! See, there is karma out there. Water seeks it's own level and he found his perfect mate.
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Excellent analysis Jazzy. I agree! I have never married nor have I had any children, but I have experienced true perfect love, and maybe that is enough for me in this lifetime. If I do meet someone, I am like BB, chemistry brings me to my knees.
BB - I have tried DIEP thread....no answers.
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ok lots happening here
Milky I do understand the importance of teaching your kids what is happening, I just think it is best If learn about how mean their father is been by their own observations with you pointing it out. I know their father is doing all in his power to hurt you but you don't need to be like him. His time to pay girl his mistakes will come. Try to be strong. I do hope he leaves your home because been in the same roof it's just not right. I went from loving my father to hating him in one day my eyes were opened and maybe that is why I never trust men. No matter what I have a trust issue which I may never resolve
Bb, sending you hugs.
All of you ladies inspire me every day
Love you all
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Enerva- are you feeling okay today? Are you recovered from your big day out yesterday?
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It is late and the issue with working nights as I am WIDE awake. Though, I yawned through my entire shift last night. LOL
I cut 30 angel gowns this evening- from XS to Large. Something to distract me
I believe there are times where valuable lessons are learned throughout our lifetime. I also believe there are times where we will never know why.
We are conditioned to seek answers. Those answers are either not apparent at the time or will never be known. I have found I have to accept people for who they are and the positive or negative influence they had on us. I have become who I am as I have been molded through life experiences. I decided after my sons father and a few other relationships that I cannot nor did I desire to change anyone. I could not wish they would or could be who I wanted. If I felt that way...move on. And if someone felt that way toward me or tried to control me in any way.........goodbye. Perhaps I am too black and white. I have no idea. I realized that I had to be who I am and not sacrifice my individuality for the sake of someone elses ego, or idea of how they thought a women should act, be or otherwise fit into their lives. I realize it still makes some cringe. I also have been told I am envied. I have to say I have my moments. I would give my heart and soul. ( I am by nature a very sensitive person+ Only to realize the other was not willing to give that back too. I cannot compromise who I am. I don't want a man to do that either. Perhaps having a child throughout that time made a big difference in my mind set as well as watching my own mother go through a difficult time without her own financial base to rely on.
I have had a few events in my younger life that I cannot begin to understand. If I would dwell on them I would most likely be dead. I try to live........I don't always believe in forgiveness as much as I believe that we can try let go (for our own benefit and sanity) and move forward. For to hold on and not let go..allows the other way too much control when they are living their own lives without regard to how they left us.......be that a man, family member, friend, etc......I found if I can begin the process of letting go, take responsibility for my own life and happiness and not allow a person to have a hold on any of the aforementioned...I can somehow find my own way in this world. I will not allow someone to take what little self respect and independence I have. This is true to me though. And I don't expect everyone to understand.
It is my experience with life and how I have learned to respond to it and the events that have had some sort of influence on my mind set and actions.
BTW, I too saved a couple of letter my sons father wrote me because I wanted him to know there was a time his father did love us both......We cannot protect our kids from life. It is good for them to learn along the way, but I do not believe they have to share in our anger or frustration in the moment
Perhaps I have shared TMI.
Just how I feel in this moment
wishing all sweet dreams and a very pleasant beginning to the week
xoxo
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good morning!! Yes I am ok I had pain but not more than usual so I think the ride sis not hurt as much. Yesterday I did it again ha ha ha my friends sent me a text saying there was a car show so I went. It was great show lots and lots of beautiful cars
I am sorry I seam sad sometimes lol but the truth is that we are all in the same boat even if things are changing our feelings inside are all over at least that's how I feel. Here are some pictures
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BB- I am glad you had a good and loving relationship for a long time with your husband. I am also glad you found love for awhile with the Buddhist monk. And I do think you will find love again, because love is out there and just finds its way to us.
Piper- your post was very good and much of what you say is also the way I live too. I have become even better at letting go of things the past few years that ultimately don't feed my joy. I have let go of a lot of one sided relationships, as well as some false friendships the past few years, and I am the better for it. I have also let go of some endless expectations of family who will never have enough from me. I will say the whole thing is really very freeing.
Enerva- car show looked like fun. And no I don't think you are sad. I think you have had a lot of lost the past few years in your life and are being present with it. You are very positive and working to move on purposefully in your life.
How is your sis doing too. Any news on her recent tests?
Life, Viv, June, and everyone else, hope you are doing well.
Going to hit the professional networking hard this week for new work. Everyone have a good day!
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xoxo
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Lili,
It's called swelly belly and takes several months to resolve, but I am told it does. It from inflammation,lymph node disruption and fluid retention. I had the diep 5/21/14 and I still have it , sometimes better and almost gone then back again. I got the ok to wear a light compression garment, but it is so hot here. I find that it helps. Mine may also be because I gained weight after my DIEP failed. I ate for a months straight anything I felt like at my pity party. I am now hoping to reverse the damage. I'll let you know if changing my eating habits makes a difference.
Hope this helps
Vivian
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Hello all,
Re: kids and ex's. In my opinion one parent should never disparrage the other to the child/ren. Children are very receptive and they pick up more than you realize. Children want to love and be loved by both of their parents ( together, if they had their way ) It is important to encourage and foster a relationship with the other parent no matter how hard it is for you today if that other parent is safe. As your child gets older answer their questions accordingly but leave out the neg personal feeling for the ex. There will come a time if they come to you as young adults that you may share more, but only if asked. Children hold on to the negatives about their parents and it effects them. No matter what the situation, Try and show lots of happiness and love to the kids. If its financial and he's not helping deal with it in court or on your own. Don't tell kids we can't do this because your father...... Turn a bad into a positive. Teach kids about budgeting and making family choices together. For example. We can save for a vacation, it may only be a long weekend...but to do that we have to .........
It's never easy to raise children, especially alone. But I find there are all kinds of free events happening on weekends to get out and do things. Keep them active and busy, have fun. Ask for discounts, 2 for 1 days...etc. Time to pay. I have other single mom friends and we do things together to split costs or sometimes get group discounts. Including staying in hotels more to a room than we should with kids in sleeping bags or inflatable beds. They have a blast, just have to keep them quiet.
It's like a singles mom co-op with kids any age. Great for clothes, books ,toys. Sharing meals pick a day and you take turns cooking.
One day if another man comes into your life, give it time, make sure that he is for you first then see how kids would fit in....and keep your single mom friends....they are great baby sitters and he should have no problem with them.
I'm living it, not just talking....
Vivian
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bb
A very selfish and heartless person says that. I am sorry you and your kids have had to deal with that. Time has a way of dealing with people like him. He is going to find himself very alone one day, with no one by his side and he will be the cause of it.
V
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BB- I am sorry to hear the cost for the intensive OP program out of pocket is so high. So it is $180-$240 per week for how many weeks? Did you ask them about doing a payment plan? Most organizations will let you do that but not all, especially up front. I have usually had that offered to me by the dentist's office and even my dermatologist for the recent skin surgery (that was $2500 out of pocket, ouch!)
If you have no way to get the co-pays or the ability to negotiate a payment plan, the other thing would be to continue to work with the other local therapist on a sliding scale service. At least you will be working on yourself continuously. And know this stuff takes time. I am not sure what this intensive program is supposed to do vs. regular counseling, but my experience with therapy is it can take years to work through these things.
This is everything I can think of, does that help?
Also, you do need to be careful of your thoughts and words. If you say nothing good ever happens to you or for you, it will become your experience. I can get in a negative vibe sometimes too, and have to control my thinking. So I would say if you hear yourself saying "nothing good ever happens to me", you want to change that up and say "I am grateful that I met someone nice at the gym today, or thankful for a call from an old friend, or started counseling with a great new therapist, etc." Gratitude brings on more things to be grateful for. We all have red lights when we are late for an apt, miss out on work we really wanted, drop our groceries and break a carton of eggs. It is just what happens in life, stuff happens. And yes it is frustrating, but it does not have to become your destiny.
There is a spiritualist by the name of Wayne Dyer who talks alot about our thoughts and words and how they can shape our lives. Watch this clip from YouTube and it may help to make sense of this. He is often on PBS and has a great way of explaining what we do and the results they have on our lives.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VqecaHjl73s
You need a mantra. Like each morning say "I am open to the possibilities of all the good things that can happen to me today." I woke up this morning saying to myself that I am going to put myself out there into the world this week and find myself some new work I want to do with people I want to work for. And now am doing my part to show up at networking events, doing some outreach, etc.
Put the positive out there and then do some positive things for yourself every day. Go to therapy when that happens, get out and exercise, make yourself a healthy meal. All these things matter.
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E- I love the photo of you in full gear! You rock it!
Vivian- Thank you for the hope! I was getting so depressed last week thinking that "am I the only one with the belly issue ". Your words are a comfort.
Jazzy- I love the morning mantra idea! I think I will incorporate this idea into my morning routine.
BB- You have experienced a lot of pain in your relationships.....and in life. I will definitely share my love story with you....what type of counseling program are you trying to get in?
More later....
Lisa
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BB- maybe you should talk to your MO about this program. They are used to women talking to them about their needs for counseling after bc (and you will be going for more than that). It is always good to share these things with your support system (including your MO) in case they know of any programs that might help to cover this program you really want to get into.
Let him know you have the insurance to cover it but not the co-pays. Ask him if he has any suggestions? Maybe there are even other programs through some of the cancer societies you can tap into? This may be one program you really want to do, but there could be others. Ask him and see what he says?
I am sure you were not always negative. We all can get in that place. That is why I had to train my mind to focus on the positive when I go to the not so good places. Life is very hard, so many things working against us every day, no doubt about that.
Also, I talked to my trainer about your question about muscle and menopause. She said that it is not more difficult to build muscle after menopause, but that it is harder to loose weight because our estrogen goes down which drives down our metabolism. She said the most important thing you need to do to build muscle is ensure you are getting enough protein. This is what builds and also repairs the muscles as they are being built up.
I gave up using honey with my blood sugar issues too. I only use artificial sweeteners now, preferably Stevia.
Lili- I am glad you like the mantra. I also like "I am happy, I am healthy, I am free." Had that one around for years.
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BB,
Is there a Community Cancer Support Group in your area, or American Cancer Assoc? They may have funds to assist you with your therapy.
Contact the program and ask them if there are any entities that assist persons to receive treatment who cannot pay the copays. Can they please refer you if they exist...
Luck.
V
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Bosumblues talking about change i am 110% agree with you i have seen drastic change in my husband he is not the same person i married.he really want a new life new kids he lost wt started gym i was a silly wife used to make protien diet for him he used to love tea and funny thing is he hate tea now switch to coffee .his gesture his facial expression changed i havent seen any human being changed 360 degree .so crazy .i dont know how it happens if somebody tell me to change i cant do that its hard .tells my kids oh everybody says i look younger than my age hahaha he is 11 yrs older than me actually i am young but i cant scream on roof .i was so busy raising my kids i had no time to think about anything my home kids husband was my priority i dont know how it happened living under same roof for 20 yrs his priorities started to change. my love home and kids were not enough for him there was or is no place for third person in ourlives .my uncle ask me everytime how come you didnt feel the change it was not overnight i had no answer .there are thousands of question in life with no reasons after my first cancer i used to ask God why me and then i was in another worst situation without any reason .OK EVery body have right to CHANGE I HAD cancer he couldnt cope with dat situation he was tired .if somebody wants to leave its ok .this relationship was not under warranty so its done
Now he compare his self to george colony .he want to dress up like teens and use to say people look at me n my car i had no answer .
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i was wondering where is txkari who started that thread .
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hi ladies, last night I wrote a long post and lostbit and it was 1:30am so I didn't bother.
Hope all ok
I am worry my sister still didn't getvthe results now she has not agree to dovthe rest of the scan I am not sure. She has lots of pain in her arm I think I maybe lymphadema
Will keep you posted.
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brain scan
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