February 2012 Chemo
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Hi everyone, crap to hear of people's loss and I hope you have strength to carry on.
Lots have happened: first my eldest daughter wanted to have a party in my back garden in winter for me, grandma and fund raising for cancer. Yes great idea but do I want 60 people In my house using my toilet. I said maybe in summer so no thanks, she won't talk to me.
DH dad is very ill and we all think its cancer so they will take him in and do surgery. They don't know where to look, he is breathless, doesn't eat, lost so much weight, very depressed, u name it. So it's down to me to do hospital visits with him, I love him to bits but so fed up with effing hospitals. Since I have been in the family I stayed with the aunts husband while he died ( I was pregnant) because it was too upsetting for the family. The aunt died I was there because they felt the same.
Had onc check - up and I told her about my back pain which still hasn't gone. She first said do a bone scan but then said it was the Tamoxifen - wtf. They won't do TM or a blood test for being a carrier.
She told me I had a very good chance of beating the cancer so fingers crossed - haha.
I love my false eye lashes which last about 8 weeks, my hair is going curly on top and straight everywhere else.0 -
moonflower...your family will be high in my prayers tonite- no matter what the age, strokes are hard on all involved. be safe.
we won't be driving til saturday morning early-funeral is sunday afternoon--i have NEVER before heard of a sunday funeral but whadda i know? sweeties' BIL and sister are getting us a room which will allow the dog and we decided to splurge (since not paying for room) and rented a car- will be safer and less worry than if we drove his truck again--i had no worries on the last trip a month ago but he is fearful so-
anyhow- it was tuff concentrating at work today- now with a plan in mind i can function better tomorrow!
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Moonflwer
Soory to hear about your MIL. Have a safe journy. Let us know how your doing when you cam. I like much life to alll!
Ali
Sad news about your Dad ((HUGS)). I swear every house Should have a urinal for the men. Aim is never a strong suit especially after a few pints. Yuck. Any way your Daughter could cut the guest list in half and just have the women?0 -
Margo, so sorry for your loss.
moonflower - ugh, sorry to hear about your mother. That is really rough.
mlb - hope you had a great birthday! Did you do anything special?
Jen - I worry about that, about depression post-treatment. I have heard that from so many people. No need to apologize here.
fldreamer - I like your use of the word grieve. I feel like I am grieving for so much too. I can't think about the future without feeling overwhelmed, because so much has changed. Just trying to take this a day at a time...
I am officially halfway through rads. Feeling stretched really thin but I know I'll get through this. I will say, after going through all this, I just keep trudging along, believing that I've come so far, I can get through anything.
I've stuck to a diet for two days now, which for me is a lot. I'm so proud of myself. Hoping maybe over the weekend I can throw a little exercise in. I am really wanting to lose weight. The fear of reoccurance is weighing heavily on me and I know losing some weight can help with that. Plus (vanity) I would like the rest of my body to look a little better for when I get my new breast, and have hair again.
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christina--you CAN get thru this- i remember when i was halfway thru RADS i really was getting"down"--now that i am throgh (thru?) done- whatever- i am starting to daily see improvement in my attitudes and energy levels....i still have chemo brian moments but they are usually when i find i am pushing too hard or trying to thinktalk too fast!
do you walk at all? just walking can help so much.....or simple chair exercises...i'm sorry that i don't remember your level of physical ability.....just hug yourself gf you have been thru hell and are on your way back as we all are so you deserve the feelings that you are having- just keep working thru them!
i have to act like i work here so am gonna go for now but will check back in later!
hugs!love! life!! and prayers to all of my wonderful february family!!!!
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Oh No.
Lumpy and Moonflower, I am so sorry for your losses. Godspeed, you are both in my heart and prayers.
My one year cancerversary is looming, I imagine that you all are in the same boat. Hard to believe this has been going on that long, isn't it?
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Yeah, Hildy, it is hard to think that this has been going on for so long. For me, I'm not going to call this my cancerversary (clever name, though). I'm going to call this my 1st birthday! Woohoo! Still alive one year later!
Safe travels, Lumpy and Moonflwr
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The thought of a "cancerversary" makes me angry but so does everything else about this. Anyway mine is not until January I guess, that is when I was diagnosed anyway. Margo my level of physical ability is fine, I'm just tired/lazy/too busy. But I need to start exercising. I have some aerobic DVDs I like and I really need to do one Saturday. Could probably go for a walk tomorrow. I wish my DH would go on walks with me. He hates it, says it is boring. I'll try to convince him to go with me tomrrow. I don't mind exercising as much if I have someone to do it with. I really like going for a walk actually. Anyone have any tips on getting motivated to start?
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Moonflower and Lumpy: I'm so sorry at the losses in your family. The days ahead will be difficult and I'll be thinking of each of you.
Ali: Sorry about the DH's dad.
I saw eye surgeon today. First cataract surgery is in November and next one in early December. I don't remember the dates but I'm glad they are in this calendar year for monetary and insurance reasons.
I am in such a foul mood I can't even stand myself. I feel so angry and hateful tonight. Hope this mood goes away soon. Fingers and toes still hurt. Budget messed up. Tired and irritable. 2012 has been a horrible year and yet, here I am, alive and kicking. I know I should be grateful but all I feel is mad. Had words with younger daughter today because I'm so negative. She couldn't stand being around me either. At least she got to go home and escape me. I can't escape me. sigh.
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((((Fldreamer)))))
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christina--so you are just like me- tired lazy etc!!! i WANT to exercise i just have no motivation or oompf to get started either! ok!!!!! gotcha girl!
i feel trapped here by my sweetie-if i spend anymore time away from him- walking or at a gym(hahahaha! me at a gym!!!!!) or whatever- he gets so needy and so upset that it keeps me here- and NO he cannot walk with me physically ...etc...
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karen...some days are like that- i hope today is a better one for you!
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wow- i have been "cut loose" ! don't know if you remember taht i have been recieving cards etc from two "chemo angels" and today's email congratulated me for being finished with their program...i knew it would come but i have gotten so attached to one of teh gals! i may be a penpal to her!
gosh--it's like ........final.
in a good way of course!
ok---did any of you listen to your mothers when they told you not to put things in your teeth to break them like the plastic string that holds price tags on slippers? well last nite i broke part of one of my teeth--owie! i'll be ok and it really only took off a part in the back of the tooth but it is noticeable to my tongue!!!! and i KNEW i shouldn't have done it!!!!!
i need new glasses and will do that before end of this year -monetarily it wil be done- but have to put off things like cataract surgery if needed- i don't think i'm taht far yet thank goodness...i will have my sleep study done and all that but i cannot afford dental work this fiscal year !!!!!
~*~ have any of you found a "new voice"? that you are speaking out about things you never used to ? well- i have and i am not so sure it's a good thing- at work anyhow!
gotta go -lots to do today and tomorrow to get ready for the trip to wisconsin this weekend...hugs!
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Lumpy - I hear that "new voice" every time a thought comes to mind that I might not be able or qualified to do something...it say's:
"Don't doubt yourself ...you went thru chemo...you can do anything"
After wrapping our heads around going thru one of the scariest things...it's amazing how much we are really capable of now :-). Not much can compete with this last year.
I also hear that voice say "no" a lot more than before !0 -
Karen - I am so irritable and angry too (although not as bad as when I was on tamoxifen for the one month). I can't wait until 2012 is over. What a year.
Margo - oh boy am I speaking up, and at work it is not necessarily good. I am normally a little outspoken anyway but I definitely go a little further than I should sometimes. Funny you should bring it up. Cancer tries our patience maybe. Anyway I am trying to practice what I want to say in my head so I don't rip people's heads off. I hate to be that way; I want to be the warm fuzzy nice person at work. My goodness girl, your eyes, your teeth, sleeping... good grief!!!
AEM47 - I feel that way too, definitely more confident, not much frightens me! I have a friend who has been through cancer with multiple reoccurances, AND had a spouse die...NOTHING shakes her. Terrible things to go through but there is something amazing about a person who is not rattled by anything.
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Fldreamer, bring your mood to us. We get it. God knows this cancer sucks and it's just hard, hard, hard. I know I have to have my regular meltdowns just to stay sane. I am grateful to have a few folks and you all in my life who get that the meltdowns are just part of the gig. and eye surgery on top of all of this? sheesh. your daughter just doesn't get it. wallow with us, scream with us, you'll feel better.
christina, i live in washington, dc itself so i have built in walking going to and from subway stops, etc. i'm actually afraid to leave the city because i know i would walk less. truth be told, i am motivated by just having to get somewhere. otherwise, i have in the past scheduled a class like aerobics or yoga and then had a buddy meet me there to keep me going.
in an attempt to just decrease the sheer bulk of my body (I'm a size 18), i finally joined weight watchers online. i hate the idea. my mom, who was a compulsive overeater, had us on diets with her all my childhood. i came to hate diets. at the same time, hauling my heavy body around when i'm weak has been very difficult. i figure the weight watchers program encourages me to eat more veggies and fruit, in its own little twisted way. my mom would want to go to overeaters anonymous (she got food abstinent that way, and was healthy for the last few years of her life), but i'm not ready for that. Sigh.
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I know several people who have done well on weight watchers. I hope it helps Susan - let us know if it does.
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susan...do what works for you! your head is the part that has to be into the losing more so than any other part of your body and i speak from too much experience!
i have never lived in a city where walking was what you did to get around-i mean, in the suburb i grew up in we walked to school-dunno how many miles but it was legitimately a few....and i loved walking with my gf's to the mall etc ...but now -my walking is unfortunately limited to the parking lot at walmart etc...i do try to park farther away..and really need to get back into walking the dog-she liked that!i have kinda set some goals for my self but am not ready to declare them yet cuz i have screwed off since last week's hospital stay!
i have decided that a big part of my overeating is that i seem to have some oral fixation- a need for something in my mouth and gum doesn't cut it all of the time-(that an di tend to either blow bubbles or crack the gum neither of which is appropriate at work etc!) i never smoked and i will not "chew"! anyhow...
well- our work halloween party is tomorrow so i have to go bake- damn i really wish i was taking tomorrow off instead of monday but the funeral is not til sunday so --and i can't afford two days off! laundry going and a load tomorrow nite before final packing ...and back on the road....humming willie nelson.....
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Today i walked around and asked people, "I've lost one pound. Can you tell?"
The motivation is just hoping I can get around more easily if I'm lighter.
Good luck with the Halloween party tomorrow, Lumpy.0 -
I had this longish post about an hour ago from my BB, got a call and lost the whole thing! Grrr!
As I was saying....Thanks everyone for the BD wishes. Had a great night out with my GF's. They got me a lovely Pandora bracelet, each of them giving me a meaningful charm to go on it. Meant the world to me. Family's a little ticked I didn't want a big 50th bash mind you but with the lack of hair, the situation with my Mom, soon to be the situation with the soon to be ex DH, I didn't feel like putting the face on you know?
They mean well but having that party really would have been more for them than for me.
Everyone
I am too in need of motivation for excercise. I did better during Chemo for the love of god. I'm starting to pack on the pounds. Not cool when I needed to lose 30 to being with LOL! Mabet we can motivate eachother somehow?0 -
Lumpy, sorry to hear about the loss of your BIL, and moonflwr, sorry that your MIL is so ill.
MLB, happy belated! I can totally understand about not wanting to have a big bash.
Jen, I pretty much went thru the same thing as you - threw myself back into everything and, while not really trying to forget all that I have been thru this last year, I just wanted to put it behind me so I didn't talk about it too much.
My "cancerversary" was last month and next month, it will be a year since my BMX. I had my 3 month onco follow up in September and my 1 year surgery follow up this week. Both appts went very well but it's still kind of disconcerting that so much time goes between the visits. I still have that fear, way back in my mind, about the cancer recurring and how will they know if it does. At the surgery follow up, after I asked why they won't be doing any kind of scans anymore, the NP told me that they are not worried about me at all. She said that since I had the BMX and chemo, that I've pretty much reduced my risk to about a 1% chance of recurrence. I can't tell you how happy I was leaving the office - it has provided me with such a sense of relief!
I'm starting the countdown to reconstruction surgery - it's now less than 2 weeks away!!0 -
Yvonne, two weeks is not too far away! You must be so excited!!!
It's been a great weekend so far. Got a lot of schoolwork done, and last night had a tea party with a couple of girlfriends. We try to have one every month but it's been more like every 2-3 months. We enjoy tea of the Long Island variety, and have a gabfest for a few hours. Love it! DH served as designated driver, which was so nice of him. I made him pancakes this morning.
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Christina, so glad you had fun! Nice when you can relax, and your DH was a honey to drive Di you could indulge a bit!
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I havent been back on since I complained that I couldn't stand myself.... Well, I'm still around, putting up with myself. I'm now fighting a very bad sore throat, head cold, aches and pains so I'm not going to post much.
I just want everyone who might be on the east coast dealing with any kind of bad weather from Hurricane Sandy to know I'm thinking of you and hope all goes okay.
Grit: Wondering how you're doing in D.C. ? Hope you're okay.
Hugs to everyone and keeping you in my prayers. I'll be back when I feel a bit better.
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Hope everyone is ok and not effected by the bad weather. I have had more blood tests because of pains in back and legs and on more tablets. Tests show nothing so i think its all the treatment i have had but my doctors swear blind it isn't. Keep warm and safe,
Alison
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i'm home again after the funeral- will update when i can- at work right now - no power at home when we got there last nite!
since no power no CPAP and i truly needed the sleep since i dorve ALL 12 hours each way (my choice!) and got a friggin ticket on the way up! i'm exhausted!
hoping everyone on the East Coast is faring well- specially gritgirl!
big hugs!!!!
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Fldreamer, this is the place to bring those rough feelings. gotta get it out somewhere.
Washington, DC is doing ok after Sandy. It was the New York and New Jersey coast that got hit the worst. Can't get a hold of my Imerman Angel, Nancy, who lives up that way. Very worried.
I've been stuck in the house for 2 1/2 days now, which is never good for me. Today I cleaned out my closets, throwing away things to help my nephews out so they have less to clean once I die. That's where my head went today, after too long alone. I do not want to retire. Me alone with myself is very bad.
Anyone else out east here? Ymac? Are you okay?
Susan
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New York City here - my area wasn't too bad, we were lucky. A lot of people have no power.
Joyce how is it by you?
Gayle
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Gritgirl, why you talking shit like that, haha. You and me are going to die before we should but hey, we are going out in style.
My dog is so naughty but great fun, how is yours?0 -
Ali: just a down day. too much time alone. who knows. you and me might outlive everyone. you just never know.
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