February 2012 Chemo
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ali. Good for you.
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Ali, that rocks! Made my day.
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I haven't posted on here since 4/14/13. I retreated from everything except going to work, going home and the immediate family. That's irrelevant at this moment. I will catch up about myself soon. I spent a good deal of time this weekend reading every page since page 142 when I last posted. I will comment on them soon also. My concern here is Firstcall and all his family, patients and loved ones throughout the Seattle Washington area where there were major mudslides just 50 miles from there (as I understand it). Adrian, I pray all of you are safe. I know people lost their homes and some lost their lives. So very sad.
To the core group of you who have been regulars in the past year, I am thinking of each of you. I will comment further soon. Just as you are experiencing, I am so very tired of all things cancer. Some of you are having major ongoing concerns and some aren't as bad. I'm 'relatively' okay. Depression has been a bigger part of my everyday existence than anything else. (all things considered.) My biggest gripe is all the people who think it is 'over with' and I should just get on with my life... I know you understand my anger and frustration with them.Love to all of you.
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FD, we'l hello again! Good to hear from you. Yeah we or pretty much all understand. Those of us with issues spend a lot more time on here. LOL. Sorry people don't understand that it ain't over! We all know that but it's hard to get that across! Much love.
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just got results from bone scan and all clear, so I'm stopping the Tamoxifen for two weeks to see if the pain gets better. I'm having a MRI in two weeks to see if that shows anything. I feel so much better I've been thinking the worse. Xx
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Ali - thankful for your good news!
Karen (fldreamer) - good to hear from you. Looking forward to your updates.
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Ali, I'm so happy for you!
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ali. Good news
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Okay, everybody. As I said above, I caught up by reading over 20 pages of back info over the weekend.
Ali: I'm so happy your bone scan turned out okay. I had one back in December due to various pains and discomfort in the left chest area.
Susan: I agree about the 'bitch please' button. And I was happy to see you got a dog. Scarlet looks adorable but I bet she's getting big already. And I loved the picture Christina posted with that phrase.
Monica: You've been thru a lot as we all have. I loved all your Halloween pics. (Yeah, I know, I am so far behind. ). And someday maybe I'll have you do a tarot reading on me. And I was wondering are you still going to the Livestrong program at the Y. I should consider that.
MLB, I was sorry to read about your uncle. I notice you had the dreaded colonoscopy in July. Mine is this Thursday ....if I don't cancel. I've scheduled it before and cancelled it. My docs keep nagging me about it.
Diana: Sorry to hear about the shingles. I got the shot after my chemo etc. Hopefully, if I ever get it still, it would be a mild case. And I was sorry to read about your mom's possible cancer. Along with Parkinsons? That's just too much for anyone.
Christina: I was glad to hear of your degree. Did I read right? that you have it now in social work? That used to be my desire. Years ago. And I was sorry to read of your friends losing their adult child in that accident.
Firstcall: I hope all of your loved ones are nowhere near the mudslide areas and doing fine. Prayers are with you.
Margo: Your dream of Hawaii was interesting. My niece moved there one year ago. Sold her car, all her stuff, stored what was left in 15 totes which she left behind. She is in Oahu now and loves it. However, it is an expensive place to live. I hope your job and financial situation has somewhat improved since you weren't able to move after all.
I hope I didn't upset anyone by bringing up so much from the past. I just want you to know I care about each of you. I'll update more about my own life in a little while. This is more than enough to read for now. Love to all. (karen)
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aw. You're so sweet Karen! Ill do a reading any time just pm me for my phone! Yes my Livestrong program has 2 weeks to go. It's helping build me up but then I was a pitiful lump! LOL ut is fun to get out. My DH even offered to pay to continue at the Y. So i took him up on it. I am still needing magnesium infusions and have a wonky kidney now. Oh well. I give you a lot of credit for catching up with the reading! That's true dedication!
Much love.
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Although I remember the winter we just went thru, the summer months last year are a blur to me. I think I spent them working, sleeping and eating. I don't remember going outside much. I've been in a deep dark hole for months on end. I am always just a thought away from crying. Some days I wake up glad I am alive, other days I pray that God will take me soon....before I get older and really sick. I don't want to die from cancer. My 17 yr old granddaughter is the joy of my life and keeps me going. My two daughters are both on soc sec disab now and not much actual help or emotional support to me. They have their own mental and physical hell.
This past week, on 3/17, it was the ten year anniversary of my open heart surgery (triple by-pass). I have very mixed feelings about still being alive. I used to be glad. Back in May, I had shortness of breath and saw the heart doc. We did an echo and ekg. All was normal he said. In October I saw him again and told him the breathlessness is severe. We did an angiogram. Although I have the triple bypass and three stents years ago, they have all closed up. However, he said my body has made its own bypasses and he saw no need for further surgery, stents or anything. Then, two weeks later, I got sick with bronchitis. Most of November and Dec were horrible. Around then, I went thru the two year anniv of the cancer diagnosis.In December, I had pulmonary function tests. Lungs are normal. An echocardiogram, the heart ejection fraction is great. MRI of the chest wall as I had chest discomfort on the left side (MX side). A bone scan to check for any cancer. A mammogram of the good breast which is still healthy. I saw a chiro to see if that would help with shoulder discomfort. And numerous x-rays connected with all my little aches and pains. I can't even remember all the testing done. Bottom line: I am supposedly cancer free and 'healthy.' And yet, I am short of breath all the time and just work, sleep and eat. This winter weather didn't help any.
I no longer dream of moving to Florida (remember, my friend there died a year ago). I am still working 40 hrs a week but my job has pushed me for a retirement date. So I told them June 30 is it. That will be 20 years with the company. However, our company has been sold and the takeover is April 1. At that time, we are considered no longer employed by the old place but new employees of the new owner. That is next week but none of us know for sure if we have a job, what happens to vac or sick time, our salary, etc. Very stressful. I hope they let me go and I can collect unemployment.
I met with a financial planner a week ago and got some advice. I don't have assets, just debts and a small pension when I stop working. He was nice to talk to but I wish I had done it sooner. I also met with an area adviser on Medicare Part D and supplemental ins. Oh Lordy, I didn't realize how much the various plans can be and the stupid 'donut' hole I've heard so much about. I am scared to stop working and might even look for something to supplement the income. But with the shortness of breath, I'm not sure that could happen. Besides, who wants to hire someone my age. I just turned 71 in December. Also, I deserve to just not work anymore!
Well, I've filled you in somewhat. Just didn't mention how angry I am at God, my daughters, my life, the world, the cancer, the heart disease, getting old, and Myself. I made bad financial decisions during the cancer year and it is catching up with me. I had a nice 401K and blew it figuring I was gonna die anyway. Instead, I'm alive and kicking. Actually ready to live but having to face the music. As they say, I made my bed...now I gotta lie in it. Sigh. As my counselor says, I have to work on forgiveness. Most of all for myself.
Part of me says to delete all this. But the part that is struggling to climb out of my deep dark hole says leave it here. I do look forward to retirement. Maybe I can bicycle again. (Walking is painful due to foot problems). Maybe I can come to Wisconsin and campout this summer. Maybe I can beat this shortness of breath thing and have many years ahead. I really do hope so.
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OMG, it's like a damn book I wrote. Sorry. If you don't read all of it, I'll sure understand. But reading it back to myself is cathartic. For what it's worth!
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oh. Karen. Hugs girl. Wow. You have plenty to be p*ssed at! That's a lot if crap to go through. Can you get on disability? Or do you just have to retire. Sucks. I have to ask and believe me I've been there. Are you taking something to help you? Sometimes an antidepressant is the only way. It can be helpful to get you out from the hole. They do get pretty deep. Also if you're not sleeping well please get help to do that even if you don't like it. I'll add you to the prayer list.
Much love.
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I second the anti depressant. Certainly, the chemo and surgery, along with everything else, left me in a dark hole. Had to go onto an antidepressant and start seeing a counselor again. It all sucks.
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Fldreamer, I hear what you are saying and I too have problems with my kids. Get some help " feeling down" I know how that feels.
Gritgirl, I sort of know how you feel and boy it's f*** horrible it's like being under water and you can't get to the surface. I really thought I was stage 4 and I still have MRI to get through. Hun, you are doing amazing and never forget we are all here for you day and night. Xxx
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Ali, I appreciate that. The thing that keeps me going is that I know several women who are stage IV who are doing ok, in spite of that. Have to keep living in denial and believing I am part of that group.
Karen: What helps me also with the depression is making note of the little things I enjoy in a day. Today for instance, it is once again cold. So tonight I will snuggle in a down comforter with some tea and watch some TV. It's the little things. That and the meds. :-)
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well it's day one of no Tamoxifen and I feel so much better. I know it's day one but I have no hot flushes, no bone pain and I can walk downstairs without pain in my knees.
My head feel great and my body doesn't throb, I told DH and he said don't get use to it your going back on it. I don't want to and why should I, it's my body for f*** S***.
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FLDREAMER
Glad you checked in, it's really good to hear from you. Thanks for the reminder on Firstcall. I had forgotten he lived in Washington. I really hope he and his family are OK. Live sure gives us a beating at times and while I echo the others in checking into an anti deppresant. The mere fact you are here after everything you've been handed has to tell you something. Please keep checking in, we're all here for you.
Ali
Great news on the scans. Ah, a break from Tamoxifen. Its amazing to me the effects it has. I'm not too bad with it but would love not to be on it. Although I can't say I'm looking forward to what my MO may want to put me in another 6 months.
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Thanks for the positive thoughts everyone. It has helped. I feel much better tonight. I was so down the other day when I posted. My colonoscopy was today. Sure glad that is over with! All was great. No problems. Repeat in ten years. lol. I'll be 81 years old. At least I dodged a health bullet on that issue. I intend to seek out my heart dr again to discuss the shortness of breath. And I will definitely seek info on antidepressants. Next week I will know more about what's happening on my job. That has been a cause of anxiety since Nov when we heard our company had been sold. I can't believe we still don't know what will happen to us.
It's raining here tonight. It is so nice to hear rain on the roof instead of watching snow pile up outside. I am so blessed in so many ways. Cancer didn't hit me till age 69. I don't have to take any ongoing meds like some of you. I'm not homeless....yet! And debtors cant take anything away from me because I don't have anything to take. lol
Thinking of all of you. Still wondering about Firstcall. Hope he and everybody he knows is okay.
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Glad you're feeling better! Much love
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Reading back pages of our journey thru this cancer trip has given me a different perspective. In getting back on here to the Feb group, I read about 40 pages back. Then, I was wondering how the Jan 2012 group was doing. I posted on there briefly before concentrating on just one group. Due to the neuropathy, etc, typing (and reading) for both groups was just too much. Anyway, today I sort of 'speed read' thru the 40 pages I was behind on in the January group. They stopped a long time ago and switched to a FB format. Anyway, one of their original members had progressed to stage IV and died recently. That was a sobering message to read. It reminded me that we don't know what is ahead and need to be thankful for each day we have.
I hope to stay more current now. I am thinking of each of you. We've been thru so much in the past two years. I wonder now how some of the others who dropped off posting are doing. Hopefully, they are doing well. Warm wishes and hugs to each of you. Thanks for the recent support of my massive posting when I recapped everything that's been going on. I have a different outlook on it. Positive and hopeful. Going out for lunch in a while with an old high school friend. Margarita time!
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FLDREAMER
You sound like you've really turned the corner. You must have needed to vent, and that's what we're here for honey! Enjoy your margarita!
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pour one for me! LOL. Have a great weekend everyone!
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I had a nice dinner yesterday with my friend. Our friendship dates back to 1960. We've always kept in touch. Since she is married, we just have lunch or dinner. We can't believe how old we are. I am blessed to still have her. My other good friend was the one who died in Florida under suspicious circumstances over a year ago. I still miss her. One margarita, a nice meal, three hours of talking and I came home to crash and dose off. Drinking always puts me to sleep.
During my 20 yr marriage, my husband and I moved 11 times and since my divorce in 1984, I have moved 18 times. Somehow, friendships made were never 'forever' ones but based on current times in my life. So this is nice to have a forever friend. I think a big part of my emotional rollercoaster is the aloneness and not having someone to talk to. I have many friendly acquaintances but true friendship is more difficult to acquire, especially as you get older.
Does anyone know if having the cancer, chemo and radiation contributes to shortness of breath? All the tests I had said my heart and lungs are good. So why do I get so out of breath so quickly? Also, how do you lose weight if you can't walk (problem feet), I'm not a swimmer, and love food. Is it possible? At 5'3", 206 lbs, I am overweight. I know that would help my heart if I took off weight. During chemo, I was down to 170. Too bad I couldn't have stayed at that wt.I feel less despondent than I did when I first posted. Thanks for listening.
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Ali,
How are you doing now that you've been off the Tamoxifen for four days? I don't know much about those meds but they sound rough.
Hope you're feeling okay.
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fld, have they tested your magnesium and or potassium levels lately? I know when my mag levels are low I get sob, and have cramps in my legs. Then it is usually 1.3 to 1.5. 1.6 is the bottom of the normal and I am never above 1.6. I have to get an IV infusion of mag. But i also take 4 pills of mag every day 2 am and 2 pm. BTW even that will give most people diarrhea. I was taking 6 a day at first but probably lost more than I gained by taking so many. (Doctor prescribed). I am now taking 4 per day of the SloMag. It's helped. I get the D about 2x a month instead of 2x a week.
Anyway just saying it can cause SOB.
Much love.
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Karen, so good to "see" you! Vent away! Good luck with the weight loss. It's not easy to do, that's for sure. Takes a lot of patience and time, at least it did for me.
Ali, I am so happy your bone scan came back clear!!!
I finally had my breast biopsy today. I'll get the results on Monday. The radiologist feels very confident that it will be totally normal tissue. Her confidence is very reassuring... but I'll still feel so much better when the results are in.
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Christina. We are praying for you to have good news. Much love
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Thanks Monica. I had my nipple tattoo done today... it was very bittersweet for me. I felt like I should have been celebrating this last step of the reconstruction journey, but instead I was very anxious about this biopsy. I hope work is busy tomorrow just to distract my mind.
I hope everyone is doing well.
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Christina I'm so happy you got your tattoos! Where did you get them? P'S or Vinnys or Tattoo artist? And still praying.
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