SEX - Very Raw Post
Sex. Why does it have to be so complicated? After 13 years of marriage plus 7 more years of dating, one would think we would have it down. But add cancer, chemotherapy and a
hysterectomy to the equation and we are fucked. Did I mention I am only 39?
When I first met my husband we had sex all the time. It was great for both of us. After 9 years of sex (2 years married), I was diagnosed with breast cancer (ER+) and our sex life started to suffer. We still aimed for a couple of times a week and I still wanted sex. Then my cancer
came back. A hysterectomy at 36 was the final nail in the coffin for our sex life.
Don't get me wrong. We still have sex. I try to make sure we do it at least once every two weeks. I think that is pretty good - better than the national average for the general population. And I have weekly chemotherapy for metastatic cancer and absolutely no sex drive. But ask my husband about our sex life and you get a completely different story.
I get that a man will always want more sex than he is having. I remember the times I wanted so
sex bad I could hardly wait. But now, our two married bodies are completely going in different directions and I do not know who the biggest loser in this department is.
Since we don't have sex as often as we used to, my husband prefers "quality to quantity." This
involves foreplay, role play and faking it. He argues that since he doesn't get it so much, it isn't too much to ask for me to play up the role, put on a wig (if I am bald at the time or just for a change) and put on some lingerie. While I understand his reasoning, I still get mad. It makes me feel like he can't have sex with just me - he has to have sex with some made up/memory laden version of me (or fantasy of something else).
I have no sexual desire at all. I could care less if I ever had sex again. I have tried everything I can think of to no avail. I can even masturbate for over an hour and still have no orgasm. Talk about feeling like a failure - if you can't make yourself orgasm, who the hell can?
When I do have sex, it hurts. It is drier than the freaking Sahara desert down there. I have had to get used to using insane amounts of lubrication (which makes me feel like less of a woman
because I used to make my own juices just fine thank you very much). I will admit that after the first 5 minutes or so, my vagina gets used to it or stretched out and it becomes lerable.............still
not enjoyable. So finally when it is all over (he comes) I am more than happy to be done.
I am left happy to have pleasured him but still barren inside. But yet, I wonder if he has it
worse than I do.
He is a very handsome and fit 41 year old. I do not want to have sex with him and no matter how hard he tries (and he does try very hard), I do not enjoy it. I would much rather have a quickie - the duty calls kind of sex.
Let me note here, that I am not depressed. I am probably one of the most well-adjusted
metastatic cancer patients that there you will meet. I take Effexor for hot flashes - but have
gradually increased my dosage to the maximum amount and so I am sure it helps
me stay positive too. I live my life to the fullest and we have a great life together - it is just our sex life that is lacking (my lack of desire his lack of action).
So where do we compromise? How do we compromise? I joke with him that his future wife will have lots of sex with him because he got the raw end of the deal with me. But you know what; I got the raw end too. I feel like he's an addict chasing the high and I am addict too far gone to care.
Thanks for letting me vent and get this off my chest before I go to sleep. I know that my marriage
will survive cancer but I feel bad for not meeting my husband's needs sexually. I have even told him that he could find a "girlfriend" or sex partner. Yet on the other hand, I am annoyed that he doesn't realize that he gets it better than most men do and I wish he could just accept this and move on.
I am open to any insight/suggestions/criticisms that you may have. This is not the first time I have posted about this topic and unfortunately it probably won't be the last. Thanks again for listening.
Comments
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Cancerkicker have you tried the Scream Cream that is mentioned on a thread on these boards? Apparently it helps a great deal with the pain aspect and in loosing the pain the enjoyment comes back. Just a thought.
Love n hugs. Chrissy
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Cancerkicker, Big hugs Hun, Your lot alone in this, we ALL are having this problem. We have also found a compounded presciption cream called "Scream Cream" that works wonders. Its given so many of us our sex life back and the abilities to have orgasms again. Im posting the first page of the thread. The scream cream naturally stimulates and for the girls that have the pain internally we are using lodocaine. By the sounds of it you would just need the cream. Im not going to go into it here as this thread will answer most of your questions.
Wishing you all the best with this and hope this gives you your "love life" back. Cancer will NOT be allowed to take this away from you. Here's the thread started by our dear angel Zoh.
http://community.breastcancer.org/forum/8/topic/776318?page=1
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Another one here screaming the benefits of Scream Cream. PRESCRIPTION not the one you can order on the Internet. Believe us, intakes a few tries but when your body begins to RESOND and I mean RESOND, it is worth it. Read the aforementioned mentioned thread.
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Have you tryed Blow Jobs.?
I am also 39, I have been married for 19 years now. before this cancer thing we were at it 1-2 times a day. (which is tough with a 5 year old in the house)
During chemo still doing it. However I am in a forced hyatias because of a broken femur and replacement hip.
No sex from dec14 til (according to doc) April. UGGGG!!
We have a couple of times but I agree DRY!!
I have been doing blow jobs.
I know it sould silly but I read smut books and fanfiction smut. That helps some
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I found that using scream cream INSIDE was well as on the outer lady part fixes me up. Gotta plan and wait a few minutes.
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blowjobs absolutely totally make me puke for hours. no can do.. and i did promise to do one if my husband paid for my piano.. one of my worst memories ever.
now that that is out of the way...
cancer kicker.. i really feel for you. I have been married 18 years. I never wanted to be married, was not ever looking for husband... went out on a first date with him in '84 after constant urging from my own brother who worked for him.. and then finally married him in '93.
I have never had a sex drive, most likely never will.. i just am asexual. I am very happily married, dutifully perform my conjugal duties every other day.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! sigh.., have 3 absolutely wonderful children and love my life. I have no interest in sex what soever.. I never get horny. I do love the warmth of my husband and would do anything for him and love him deeply tho.
I wish we could hire a concubine for my husband.. but he loves me deeply and could never even entertain the thought.. i would be so fine with the idea.
I have found a few things.. there is a perfect amount of time between sex nites that lets him come rather quickly without going on forever.. I find if I get him horny for a few hours ahead of time he comes quicker. I apologize for doing the sex duty thing.. i just don't have it in me to pretend to be the sex kitten.. we talk frankly and he understands and is grateful for what i do do for him.. (have sex at all).
Do read the thread 'The solution to painful intercourse!!!!!! right here in this forum. Do feel free to further discuss.
Men think totally differently than we do... a frank discussion before you put on the wig and try to be what your husband wants may be in order. I wouldn't be mad at him for just being a man.. believe me.. they never change, but seeing things from your perspective may help him. I remember sitting down with my husband and telling i simply couldn't have sex daily.. it was stupid.. I am 55. you think that sort of thing would kind of start dissipating.
i sincerely wish you a resolution to your problem and send you big hugs.
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cancerkicker, I very much appreciate your "raw", as you describe it, post, how you very much lay it on the line. It's just my opinion, but I think your husand should be much more understanding of everything you're going through. I think he should make more adjustments in his life, and realize your physical body has changed by things you had no control over.
Also, I want to mention the Effexor you're taking takes away the sexual desire. So even tho you are not depressed due to taking it, it takes away those feelings. I toook generic prozac for a short time, and that's what happened to me. I also tried Effexor, but it zoned me out and heightened my anxiety. I now take an anti anxiety medicine rather than an anti depressant, and altho I'm not super excited all the time for sex, I can get in the mood and have orgasms rather easily. But one of the side effects of the effexor is "changes in sexual desire or ability".
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The prozac took away my desire for sex, and for the first time in my life I had difficulty having orgasms. And I didn't care if I didn't have them. Once I stopped taking the anti depressants and they were out of my system, the ability returned.
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I could have written your post. My desire is zero. My husband gets it 2x a year! Usually when I drink...LMAO..okay maybe not that funny. I do feel bad about it.
But I don't feel good about myself (deformed bloated body that has been castrated). I am too shy (can you imagine) to ask for scream cream. Plus we only have one compound pharmacy in town.
Anyhow.
That is the thing that pisses me off the most about cancer. Breast cancer. It steals our physical well being (breasts, hair, scars) our ability to have children sometimes, our desire for s*x, serioiusly. How are we REALLY Feeling? happy to be alive. Sure. With a price.
one post that won't go on my care page.
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I am with you ladies all the way on this sex thing. My desire is nonexistent and because it hurts too much i avoid it then that escalates into more avoidance because i haven't had sex in a while. it is a vicious cycle. I saw my OB/Gyn and was too embarrassed to ask him for scream cream and since i am seeing my Assoc. onc, can't ask him so my lovely husband asked my PC doctor and he said he would write me a script if my onc approved it since I have so many friggen drug allergies. I told him I was too embarrassed. He said print out the ingredients, ask him if this product is safe to use? If he said yes, then my PC would write it. Now the dilemma would be finding a pharmacy that does compounds that does not know me!!!!! The lidocaine stuff, i don't know how safe that is to use internally because of possible nerve damage from too much numbing and absorption internally.
I love the concubine idea and how about a harem or geshia?
Dawn 0 -
i would like to have a combination housekeeper - concubine personally. that would be awesome for us both. I wish we were open minded and rich.
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apple,
Your post made me chuckle. I'm on my way to onc in a few minutes and I have the print out about scream cream with me. I'm going to ask for it. I called both of the compounding pharmacies we have in town to see if they had heard of it, and both said yes. No problem to make it as long as I had a script. Wish me luck! Onward through the fog!
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Okay touchy subject but really glad you brought it up. Why do I have to do something that I don't want to do? I'm sure if the shoe were on the other foot this would be a non issue. I have completely lost the desire for sex and quite frankly I don't care if it ever comes back. I'm tired of hearing my husband whine about how tough it is for him to have to do without; I say sucks to be him it's hard for me to do something I have absolutely no desire to do. Where is fairness in that?
I would be too embarassed to ask about Scream Cream too. Good Lord don't we put up with enough with those whole cancer thing.
Apple I almost spit my coffee all over my computer, I was literally laughing out loud. To funny!
Peace and Love to all,
Edie
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I just printed out the ingredients & handed them to my GP, Also wonder if you can find a compounding pharmacy out of town and have them send it to you?? Your Dr can just fax them the info.
Fitztwins, I feel the same about my body.... having no reconstruction and now the pleura tube on my chest is not only not sexy but hurts if he leans on it. I do use lingerie & prothetics or at least soft bumps as I want to cover my chest and it actually does helps boost my self estime about my body when I can see it looking almost normal. When I had no hair I foung wigs really got in the way and/or started to come off. So I went instead to a very pretty daytime (indoor) hat that had a bit of lace as well. This all made me feel better so I was willing to go through the effort.
Im a "gag" with the blow jobs but bite the bullet every few years if I forget to buy a birthday gift.
Yea Cancer is a load of crap but I am still happy to be alive (yes at a huge price) really wish that I was given the chance to have reconstuction and still be able to lead an active life. But it is what it is so Im making the best of it.
Hugs dear Ladies
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Apple... way too funny! Yea I want me one of those too.... as long as she was invisible
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I'm so disturbed reading all these posts and my heart goes out to everybody. I'm recently diagnosed and have just started chemo (weekly Taxol x 18). I've been told that I could have an early menopause but beyond that nothing has been mentioned about sexual dysfunction as a side efffect of chemo. Has everybody really been so badly affected by chemo in this area? Please excuse my ignorance on this topic but at this stage I just don't understand what I'm in for. The potential loss of desire/ability to have sex is extremely upsetting (I would even consider stopping treatment if this is what "life" post chemo means.)
(Sorry to hijack your post Jessica, but thank you for giving us the opportunity to discuss this openly).
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Nice to "meet" you all. Contemplating the issue in terms of being only 39 is almost unimaginable, and I do admire the directness about it.
There aren't many of us "oldtimers" on the boards. Most posts are by people who are either just diagosed or going through treatment or starting to recover, and then people move on.
In the first 5 years after chemo + tamo, I got by basically with the use of the Estring even though I am HR+. Then that didn't work anymore. Five more years have gone by since treatment. I am "hoping" to obtain the Scream Cream to see what it offers. But.... The Problem is not that simple. My DH too still wants some, but has not pressured me for it. But at the same time, he is less affectionate and crankier and less cooperative in general. I do have compassion for him about it, so I will get the Scream Cream, but without any enthusiasm and even a bit of dread.
A.A.
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Anko,
The younger one is, the less difficult the outcome with chemo is, at least for a few years -- those who have surgical removal of the ovaries have instant menopause and that is very difficult. But yes. Medical providers continue to not be honest about it for the most part. Sad, but true. There are no perfect treatments for cancer, but I do think medical providers should get real about it and quit pretending, and take responsibility for honestly preparing patients PRIOR to starting treatment.
A.A.
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Every time we did it I felt like I was being raped, it hurt so much. My doctor prescribed lidocaine which I put just at the entrance to my vagina. That plus the Estring makes it much more comfortable. And when it quit hurting so much, I became way more interested and we're enjoying each other once again.
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A.A, Lol, Do I get to be considered an Oldtimer yet... Ive been around since 2007. The SC might surprise you in how natural it feels. Sort of like before C ever entered into things. Hoping you get the same response
Anko, Im TN and BRCA1, Ive gone through 4 different chemo's, the first put me into menopause & an Oopherectomy kept me there. For me the worst part was that sexual intercourse became extremely painful. Im small down there to start with as I had a C section with my sons birth (even he wouldnt fit) There is a solution for both the stimulation & pain that was introduced per say to us just a few months ago (I pasted the thread in my first post) Its already had over 12,000 hits and counting.
So there is very real help for us out there... Im back in the swing of things after 4 years of trying to find something that worked.
Hugs Suz
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well, maybe I will give it to my nurse. Let her talk to my doctor.
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I'm back from my oncologist's appointment with a script for SC in hand!!! She had not seen it, but saw no problem with me giving it a whirl. Wouldn't you know my husband is sick with an awful cold too! I did not get a Rx for the lidocain. I don't think I'll need it. I have been using vag-e-fem for several months and once we get going, I'm OK pain wise. Just have to go a little slow at first.
Fitzwins, if we don't advocate for our own needs, who will? I bet our docs have seen and heard it all over the years. You go girl!
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I read this post this morning and have waited to post. I'm so glad you started this it just may help other women to know they aren't alone!
I could just say "ditto" to your post..it was like you read my mind. I'm often fearful that my DH will remember only these bad years when he thinks of me after I'm gone! No hair, no boobs, no female parts, so many scars, no eyelashes or eyebrows, pasty skin..shoot I look like an alien. There is just nothing feminine about me anymore! If I don't wear earrings or paint a face on I'm a bad looking guy. The poor guy is lucky if gets sex once every few months. It hurts my chest if there is any pressure. The poor guy is probably so sick of hand jobs. I try to help that way once or twice a month. But now here is the kicker after last surgery in December it hurts to do that because of the lymphadema . So now the poor guy gets crappy left handed hand jobs.
I'm with apple I wish he would consider the maid/concubine at least I'd have a clean house. Now I just have tears from guilt and a sore arm! Because there is no way I could stand a blow job now..omg I'm to gaggy.
But most of all this sucks I'm 44..started this at 40 and within months after first chemo I was done! I've tried a cream that my oncologist makes you have to get it at a compound pharmacy tried that for a month daily it just made me bleed. I think since I asked once maybe I will have to try again and ask her for scream cream but the alien look thing just isn't going away anytime soon.0 -
Yes, Kimber, it really does suck. I am so sorry that you are going through all of this. Sending hugs and healing thoughts your way.
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For me, remembering myself as I was, and at the most fulfilled moments I had is my sort of "fantasy" material. It works sometimes.
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i have to be drunk.. and i don't like that.. i always seem to get screwed.
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"...Crappy left handed hand jobs" Kimber - Jeez, I just spit my tea over my laptop! You know I'm not laughing at you, just sums up my situation except my poor husband gets nothing at the mo. No sex since diagnosis at the end of May last year and I mean nothing. If someone told me tomorrow I would never have sex again it wouldn't bother me and I think that's so sad at 50.
My OH is a wonderful guy and so not pushy. He deserves better. I feel like I just don't know how to get started again. Keep thinking, why would he want to have sex with someone who has cancer and is dying... But then we're all dying so maybe I should take the Nike approach and Just Do It - 'cept I'd have to fake it because I have no desire.
No easy way around this is there.
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Wow - it's listening to you ladies that almost makes me glad to be a widow. I don't have to worry about anybody else's sexual satisfaction. I had no problem with giving B.J.'s when I was married - I just brought a towel into bed with me for, for, you know.
The best was my hubby, after abdominal surgery had retrograde ejaculation. He never "came" externally. That was the best. But I digress..
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Hey Apple, Lets get a concubine/housekeeper. I will sell my fine jewelry, my DOG, because there will never be a blowjob on the horizon, it makes me gag. Yuck worse then vomit! I hate vomit! Can't drink because I already have episodes of vertigo. Maybe i will give the print out of SC to the RO tomorrow for my consult since he doesnt know me very much! Haha.
I KNOW... those that have SC already, don't you get multiple tubes, I can PM you and send you a fee for one! BLACK MARKET SCREAM CREAM! PRICELESS!
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Oh Cancerkicker, you took the words right out of my mouth. I have a great, patient husband, but as soon as my chemo was over, he was back to bugging me all the time, at least a few times a week. I see my battered body one way- scarred, sore, about 30 lbs lighter, bald, and dryer than the freakin sahara below the waist. Like Apple said, I could never have sex again, and it would be just fine with me. I love the feeling of being intimate and cuddling with my husband, however the idea of sex just does nothing for me. My husband sees that his wife is now skinny, has a great set of reconstructed boobs, and a nicer body (in his opinion) than before cancer, and he can't keep his freaking hands off me. I brought up the scream cream idea. He got offended, like why would I need help to enjoy sex with him? Even the lube conversation hurts his male pride somehow. So at least once a week, I struggle through the pain, bite my lip, fake a little moan and groan, and count the seconds until it ends. It is starting to make me resent him, and that is the last thing I want to do, because he's been nothing short of amazing through all of my surgeries and treatment. I don't know what to do.........but I am so glad to have ladies who understand!
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