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  • thatsvanity
    thatsvanity Member Posts: 51
    edited February 2012
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    A blow job is called a blow job because it's work! Sex is a hard one I wish I had one good tips but I don't my husband and I love each other but as we are married longer and longer it gets less and less luckily I'm not a super horny wife. The scream cream sounds good but so many factors go into good mutual sex emotions, energy levels, physical well being so. It's no wonder it gets out of balance so easily. Your post is so honest and real.

    Thank you,

    Amy Lynn

  • vickib
    vickib Member Posts: 51
    edited February 2012
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    I am 39 also and have ZERO sexdrive, shit, I have not had it in several years. I am totally dead down there (except for the pain when we do have sex). We are lucky to do it 3 times a year! I would say your Husband is a very lucky man! Compared to me, some of you girls are sexual dynamos! 

    Lisa, Your girl bits comment is hysterical!

  • shells43
    shells43 Member Posts: 499
    edited February 2012
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    Hey CancerKicker

    I take Effexor for hot flashes - but have gradually increased my dosage to the maximum amount and so I am sure it helps me stay positive too.

    I know this is a huge problem for so many of us, and I thought it might be worth mentioning that many anti-depressants have anti-sexual side effects as well. You can check SE's on drugs.com.

    My husband took Lexapro for awhile and gave it up after a year because he could not "perform". This was before my BC. Maybe he should go back on it so we can both be boring!

    As it is now, I lube up like crazy and mostly fake. I know it makes him feel better and loved, there is no way around it. He has taken such good care of me through this that I feel like I owe it to him. He does realize it is painful for me and does not ask too often. I think I might get him one of those fake vaginas for Valentine's Day!

  • apple
    apple Member Posts: 1,466
    edited February 2012
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    it's funny.. I've asked my husband why he simply doesn't 'do himself'.. with the hand and all.. he says.. because I LOVE you.. with this puppy dog face.  I used to orgasm but he'd have to ply me with alchohol and such.  lots of it.. then I'd feel sick.  It's never been worth it to me.  I'd rather read a book, take a walk or play the piano. I wish I was a horndog for my husband's sake but oh well.

    wishing everyone the best of luck.

  • windlass
    windlass Member Posts: 1,813
    edited February 2012
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    I took Celexa (an anti-depressant) for a month back during the roughest part of Taxotere (the chemo drug that took my joy away). Not only did the Celexa do nothing to lift my mood, it completely took my away my ability to orgasm. I looked it up and discovered that's one of the "rare" side effects - apparently 1% or so of women lose that ability on the drug. When I stopped taking it, everything went back to normal.

    I just posted a long, long writeup on the "solution to painful intercourse" scream cream thread raving about COCOA BUTTER. It's safe, natural, cheap, and readily available with no embarrassing prescription discussions with your doctors. I swear by it.

    Those of you using lidocaine need to know it is potentially carcinogenic (look it up), and it can also burn out nerve endings so they can never again feel sensation. Not so good for pleasure centers.

  • Fitztwins
    Fitztwins Member Posts: 144
    edited February 2012
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    Sadly, I will stay up later than my DH, so he falls asleep first! I would rather scrapbook, play words with friends, do the dishes, laundry, before s*x.

  • silentbell
    silentbell Member Posts: 14
    edited February 2012
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    This thread just won't die so I'll have to kill it.  What we need here is a kind, caring, compassionate male point of view.  You see I'm the sort who uses ribbed condoms, "for her pleasure." But I always turn them inside out first!!

  • windlass
    windlass Member Posts: 1,813
    edited February 2012
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    ROTFL! Silentbell I am cracking up.

  • windlass
    windlass Member Posts: 1,813
    edited February 2012
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    Hey wait, silentbell - you're inside the ladies' locker room! My husband was asking me the other day if it's true that what we women say about sex behind closed doors would make a sailor blush. I guess he was right! *laugh*

  • windlass
    windlass Member Posts: 1,813
    edited February 2012
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    I posted this on the "solution to painful intercourse" scream cream thread, but I thought it might help ladies here. Two long posts. Here goes:

    I ran the scream cream past my Dana Farber oncologist and the DF pharmacist (who is an expert researching drugs and sexual issues) and was told that the Scream Cream ingredients are safe and probably effective.

    However, I got a stern warning that LIDOCAINE SHOULD NEVER BE USED "DOWN THERE" on any nerve endings! That's because lidocaine has been known to "burn out" nerve endings permanently and they never get their sensation back. That would be very bad thing on certain nerve endings.

    The one thing I found worked WONDERS for my trashed genitalia was simply applying some melted cocoa butter (food grade) with my fingers on the vulva and a bit internally each night before bed. Within two days I was practically back to normal, plumped up and pain-free, whereas before the pain was so bad I could not even wipe with toilet paper.

    Cocoa butter. Whoulda thunk it?

  • windlass
    windlass Member Posts: 1,813
    edited February 2012
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    I couldn't get my onc to write me a script for scream cream, and lidocaine scares me -- not only because of the nerve ending thing, but because lidocaine is a carcinogen in its own right. (I'll post that info below.) So I got creative. Here's what I found:

    * Cocoa butter plumps up the vaginal tissues and softens and warms things up
    * It works much better than coconut oil
    * It's not really a lubricant, but I found it to be a mild aphrodisiac when applied topically
    * It turned me from a bleeding, painful wreck into a normal woman again

    Cocoa butter is thicker and has a more "earthy" texture than coconut oil. While coconut oil is a thin, runny liquid oil, like olive oil once it warms up on the skin, cocoa butter is thicker and more like a warm massage, i.e., lubricated skin that feels earthy and very erotic. All it takes is a bit of cocoa butter down there before I go to sleep, no matter how tired or un-interested I am, and the "interest" just starts to percolate through me on its own. (My husband is a big fan ;)

    Edited to add: Please note that cocoa butter does not take the place of lubricant. It's not really slippery after the first few minutes. You will still need Replens when the moment arises.

    Because cocoa butter is hard as a rock at room temperature, you have to warm it up before you use it. I put the jar in the bathroom sink and run the hottest water I can get over it, then I close the plug and fill the sink so the jar floats in the water. A few minutes later, the cocoa butter will still be a hard lump in the middle, with runny, golden oil around the sides. Being careful because it will stain, I pour a little out into the palm of my hand and use the fingers of the opposite hand to apply it externally and internally. You won't need a whole lot. It will be runny in your hand, but somehow it thickens up on the skin. Or maybe it just soaks in.

    On those of you using frozen coconut oil suppositories, that sounds like a huge hassle. Plus it sounds like it wold be too thin and runny for the purposes of daily lubrication.

    I am betting cocoa butter would make a much more effective suppository, and would be much easier to use. I would get one of those teeny ice cube trays or go to Michaels and find a candy mold that was the right shape. Then melt the cocoa butter by floating the jar in hot water and pour it into the molds. Once they cool, they will be hard even if you live in a hot climate, but will melt easily at body temperature. I just looked it up and the melting point of cocoa butter is between 93 and 100 degrees, which is perfect body temperature.

    Cocoa butter is pretty cheap. I got 8 oz of it for around ten dollars. That has lasted me months and is still half full. Be sure it says "food grade" on the label. It's also sold in a push up stick (I think it's Queen Helene brand, but not sure), but don't get that one. Because the cocoa butter is so hard and gummy at room temperature, trying to use the stick is like trying to rub an eraser on youself, which would be extremely painful. You have to melt it first.

    One thing the stick might be good for would be to push it out and cut it with a knife into suppository-sized chunks. But I noticed the quality of the cocoa butter in the stick is slightly lower than the food grade jar. Probably close enough to still be okay though.

    One more thing. You may be tempted to scrape the hardened cocoa butter out of the jar with your fingernails. Don't. It will wedge up under the nail where it connects to the skin and leave your fingernails very sore. It's like trying to scrape off chunks of a bar of soap with your bare fingernails. Ouch! Especially bad for ladies still suffering fingernail problems from chemo. If you're in an intimate situation and can't get up to melt it, in a pinch you can use a spoon to scoop it out. I keep thinking it will stain my sheets, but so far it hasn't been bad enough to say "Oops!"

    One other thing - cocoa butter totally smells like chocolate, so you will feel like a melted Hershey's kiss when you use it. My husband thinks it's hot.

    Oh, and it's completely edible, too!

    *wink*

  • windlass
    windlass Member Posts: 1,813
    edited February 2012
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    WARNING:

    LIDOCAINE IS POTENTIALLY CARCINOGENIC

    Carcinogenicity

    Lidocaine:

    A 2-year study showed the metabolite 2,6-xylidine to be carcinogenic, causing carcinomas, adenomas, and rhabdomyosarcomas in the nasal cavities of both male and female rats; subcutaneous fibromas and/or fibrosarcomas in both male and female rats; and neoplastic nodules of the liver in female rats when given in daily oral doses of 150 mg per kg of body weight (mg/kg) per day (900 mg per square meter of body surface area [mg/m 2] [60 times the SDA] per day). Statistically significant increases in nasal carcinomas and/or adenomas in male and female rats did not occur with oral doses of 50 mg/kg per day (300 mg/m 2 [30 times the SDA] per day), and no nasal tumors occurred with oral doses of 15 mg/kg per day (90 mg/m 2 [6 times the SDA] per day) {01}.Precautions to Consider

    Note: In the animal studies reported in the Carcinogenicity, Mutagenicity, and Pregnancy/Reproduction sections below, the doses administered to, or blood concentrations achieved in, the animals are compared to the equivalent in humans of a Single Dermal Administration (SDA), defined as a single application of 60 grams of the local anesthetic formulation over 400 square centimeters (cm 2) of the skin area of a 50-kg person for 3 hours.

  • FiveAlive
    FiveAlive Member Posts: 7
    edited February 2012
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    Well, for those who want to hear it, here is a males perspective.  I hope I don't get attacked. Smile

    We love you women!!  It's as simple as that.  It doesn't matter if you are bald, breastless, or fatigued all the time...we still love you!!  If it was only about the sex we would just marry Kimberly Clark (the makers of Kleenex) and not need you and your nurturing minds and loving bodies.  But this is not the case.  WE need the warm caring woman and because of our physical need for sex, the two go hand in hand.  Unfortunately nature does not make us lose much of our sex drive until much past when you lose yours.   So what are we supposed to do?  It's a natural thing, we want it, and yes, contrary to what you may think, we NEED it.  I will be candid here and say my wife and I have not had sex in 3.5 years because of all the cancer crap.  Before that the sex was great!!   To say "I don't need it, so why do you?" is unfair but I DO understand that if you really are not capable, why fake it?  We sense it and we might as well go see Kimberly then.

    I cannot propose a solution to anyones problem here (although that Scream Cream may be worth mentioning to her...but at this point it's just as much a mental as physical thing for her).  I know this won't last forever for me and until the day she sadly is gone, I will remain her ever loving husband and remember all the good times we had in the bedroom before cancer and menopause.  Meanwhile, we husbands will love and care with the patience you would have if we were sick. 

    Best of luck to all you ladies and know we love You!!

  • chele
    chele Member Posts: 132
    edited February 2012
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    Regarding Lidocaine, I used it and it sure did take away the pain. In fact, it worked TOO well and I suffered for three days from the damage done. I had been using the vaginal estrogen and thought I'd be OK for sex.



  • usafmom
    usafmom Member Posts: 100
    edited February 2012
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    Five alive. Thank you for your candid post..I've been sharing this thread with my husband and he has said just about the same thing. He doesn't care if we ever have sex again he doesn't want to hurt me:) thanks again!

  • apple
    apple Member Posts: 1,466
    edited February 2012
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    Five alive.. thank you for your wonderful post.. you sound a lot like my dear husband who, bless his heart is on muscle relaxants for back pain.  yay.   I wanna be a sexy but am not... never have been.  Maybe medical marijane would help.. who knows?  However, I am a fantastic cook, and my husband loves to eat so it all works out in the wash.

    Also thanks for the cocoa butter tip windlass.. I will definitely try some.

  • divinemrsm
    divinemrsm Member Posts: 6,093
    edited February 2012
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    I mentioned early on in this thread that the antidepressants, like Effexor and Celexa (as well as ones like Prozac and Zoloft) take away the sexual desire. That's one of the reasons I'm glad the anti-anxiety med I take is effective enough to help me with my emotions/anxiety.

  • Frapp
    Frapp Member Posts: 343
    edited February 2012
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    Thank you everyone for contributing honestly and openly to this post.  My partner and I unfortunately both have problems.  Both of our labido's have been effected by cancer.  He had to have his prostate removed a couple of years ago due to cancer (TG it seems to have worked so far) .  Unfortunately, things won't work for him any more.  We've tried all the little blue pills out there and none seem to work.  I'm not sure now what would happen in my area as my girl parts have considerably visibly shrunk.  I guess it's good that we are both in the same place, but it sure is missed.  Yes, there are other things, but I sure do miss the "old" sex and early 50's just seems too young to loose it.

  • china
    china Member Posts: 56
    edited February 2012
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    Thanks Guys for the male perspective.  That is what my DH always says to me. I always think he is saying that for ulterior motives, I am bad. Where do you buy food grade cocoa butter? Grocery store such as Meijers or health food store? Dawn. Think I will try that before I buy auctioned SC with my monopoly money! Dawn

  • shells43
    shells43 Member Posts: 499
    edited February 2012
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    Just wondering which candy molds are the right shape for vaginal suppositories?? JK

  • scuttlers
    scuttlers Member Posts: 149
    edited February 2012
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    Thanks for the posts from the guys. My husband tries to tell me, but I HATE my body so don't see how he can love it.



    The cocoa butter sounds like worth a try. SC is working fine, just need to get the brain on track.

  • windlass
    windlass Member Posts: 1,813
    edited February 2012
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    Okay, Shelley - you asked for molds? Here are a few actual candy molds!

    I am laughing SO HARD right now!

  • Frapp
    Frapp Member Posts: 343
    edited February 2012
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    OMG..... Windlass, I can't stop laughing. TG I didn't have a mouthful of coffee. When I read that!!

  • Denise2730
    Denise2730 Member Posts: 320
    edited February 2012
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    Apple 360 thrusts????? I was ROFLMAO with that one! When my husband was alive if he wanted sex and I wasn't really in the mood but I would do it anyway I would tell him upfront "don't worry about my pleasure" which was code for "get in, get out".

    I realize that sex is very important for a man, they want not only the "act" but the closeness of the woman they love. Cancer just sucks.

  • usafmom
    usafmom Member Posts: 100
    edited February 2012
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    Windlass..omg you are so cute;) I lost my diet coke..lol. I vote for the lipstick mold..for obvious reasons ; )

  • thatsvanity
    thatsvanity Member Posts: 51
    edited February 2012
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    I touch my I pad more than my husband oh well...

  • thatsvanity
    thatsvanity Member Posts: 51
    edited February 2012
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    Wow five alive you are so cool thanks for sharing! Write more!

  • suz45
    suz45 Member Posts: 85
    edited February 2012
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    I like the ice cream cone one (really small pic of it) showing chocolate topping :) how fitting is that depending on the size of the mold??

  • suz45
    suz45 Member Posts: 85
    edited February 2012
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    Will pass in the teeth Tongue out
  • lulubee
    lulubee Member Posts: 903
    edited February 2012
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    What, no little red corvettes?  Hahaha...

    (Surely y'all remember that raunchy Prince song?)