Lets do a Sh*t People say to Metastatic BC Patients
Comments
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CoolBreeze, I love your comment: I can't be their version of me all the time.
It's true, the best thing to do is limit time with dysfunctional family members. It's something I began to do in my early 20s once I moved out of the house (in my 50s now). Sounds so simple yet when you're caught up in the relationship ties that bind, isn't always easy. As time went by and I no longer resided with my family, the healthier emotionally I became.
It's surprisingly easy to sometimes fall back in to those traps. I can still find myself getting worked up about things and think, oh, it's time to stay away. My parents have passed, but several of my siblings have issues and I have to watch my exposure to them.
So, yeah, I do things like let my answering machine take messages, decide which family gatherings I want to be a part of, and what topics I chosoe to discuss with my brothers and sisters. I've also learned how to make it look like I'm very casually walking away from certain conversations that cause me stress. I refuse to get confrontational if I can help it. I did that a lot when I was younger and more passionate about my opinions. These days, I prefer to spend time doing what I want rather than being someone else's emotional patsy.
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so sad that your mother is that way. your mother is supposed to be in your corner.
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"Some people only have their own and cannot look through the lense of anybody else's eyes."
Ann...truer words were never said.
And, as DivineMrsM said, it is so easy to fall back into the trap.
I am limiting my exposure to her toxicity. Unfortunately, I've been here before with her...many times. I can no longer feel guilty for doing so...I have to keep my own best interests in mind now.It is so nice to be able to come here and get such wonderful support. It is such a shame that people, especially those that are supposed to be closest to us, can cause so much turmoil.
I am much calmer today and in a better place. She has already tried to contact me multiple times. I deleted the emails without reading and same with the voicemails. I told her (via email) that we could continue our relationship once her life is more stable. That doesn't happen overnight. I will know when, or if, that ever happens through contact with my brother. He is super and supports my decision.
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SuperFoob, it sounds like you are taking the right steps to keep some calmness in your life.
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Superfoob good for u--u have to take care of u'rself mentally too and u sound like u'r brother is fine with it. So u know u'r right just let it go for now anwa, who knows maybe in the future there will be a different kind of relationship. But in the mean time have no regrets. Just because someone is u'r Mother doesn't mean they're u'r mom--she made that choice not u.
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Do you really need medical leave for treating breast cancer?
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Did someone say that to you, Mon123?
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But there is a freedom having MBC --- we can speak our minds. I don't feel bound by social niceties anymore. Or I'm working on it at least. I walked out of a class after the first few hours as it was increasing my stress. I have called out my brother and my boyfriend. I am making better choices on how to spend my time. No, this isn't some therapeutic bs about growing due to cancer. I see it as making the best use of my time remaining. Selfish? Perhaps, but it's my life.
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mon123
There are a lot of people who work during treatment. It depends on your job and how well you are dealing with treatment.0 -
MON123 --That's one of the best lines going-----so what if u'r not a stripper,I mean why else would u need time off. (No disrespect to any strippers.)
EVAPERONE--U've taken the bull by the horns and riding it u'r style--good for u
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From a technician doing a mugascan: "When will you be done with treatment?". Me: When it doesn't work anymore. I'm on the lifetime plan. And yes it does put a damper in my future plans"
And from a very good friend: "Am I gonna get cancer if I sit next to you?"
And from the same person: "You might wanna check out the Halloween clearances for your wig"0 -
Jill---Omg was that an adult that said that to u---if it was, I hope she meant it as a joke--(which it isn't) but maybe she thought so.
Well of course I would have said I'm in the small % of the type that's contagious--so if u want to take u'r chances, please be my guest.
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Yes she's an adult and a good friend and yes she thought she was making a joke. I wasn't so offended by that comment as I was her Halloween wig comment. But when I actually lost my hair a couple weeks later she was upset. Maybe she didn't think it was a reality that that would happen. That same person is actually having a benefit party for me soon. I guess even nice well meaning people say stupid things.
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OK Jill than she was trying to lift u'r spirits and let's face it she is a dear friend to u--just wasn't thinking--U gotta luv her for what she's doin. Altho not thinking she's good. LOL
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How about these? All of them happened to me within the last year -
1- "You look hideous without your wig, don't take your wig off in my home."
2 - "We've been meaning to tell you how disappointed we are with your weight gain, since you've been on treatment" - I've been on tx for 7 years and have probably gained 10 lbs.
3 - The #1 shocker - said to me less than a month ago "F*** you and your stage IV cancer!"
Needless to say, all shocking hurtful and very abusive comments. All have forced me to cut ties with these friends and family members.
Apparently these people were always toxic, but the stress of my cancer ( and I don't dump much on others) is just too much for people to take. I truly believe that.
Kim0 -
Kim, I'm speechless!!! What kind of monsters would say such things?
Peggy
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OMG who are these horrible people, how could they say such hurtful things to u. --And u didn't say snything back? I would have minced them--u must really be nice,
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Here's the problem - we think of the zinger comebacks later - wish there were a rewind button - so we can do a little damage back to these idiots who say things like this!!! I've heard some hurtful comments, but can't top radiants post. That's crazy!
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Thanks - my stepfather did 1 and 2 - he also told me that I was too demanding! A friend whose been a very good friend to me over the years did 3. I have no contact with these folks now. Number 3 happened recently.
The friend apparently felt challenged when I disagreed with her on something. Ironically, she left a vmail later like nothing ever happened. I will NOT have contact with that.
I was able to chat with a psych abt the first two statements - he said, that qualifies as abuse and violence and I was right to set my limits with these folks. The irony is I got ALOT better
Once I stopped all contact with my family member.
Kim0 -
Oh Kim as they say the best revenge is to show happiness or poke them in the eye---I forget, I always get those 2 mixed up. But there is no law that says u have to keep people in u'r life---This is the time to make those choices so u can feel relieved and know u don't have to be stressed out for no reason. Forget u'r troubles come on get happy. I no longer have original thoughts and I'm still happy. And I am blessed I have no negative people in my life--what a difference.
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True Camille -
I am doing well! I dont let these things stop me.
I certainly can't imagine not caring for someone in our shoes, or anyone that needs a lift! Luckily, if people need to be toxic for whatever reason, I walk away.
I've found that even with Stage 4 cancer, nicer people keep coming in. I do all that I can not to project that I'm a cancer patient. I've learned it's just too much for most people.
KIm0 -
True Camille -
I am doing well! I dont let these things stop me.
I certainly can't imagine not caring for someone in our shoes, or anyone that needs a lift! Luckily, if people need to be toxic for whatever reason, I walk away.
I've found that even with Stage 4 cancer, nicer people keep coming in. I do all that I can not to project that I'm a cancer patient. I've learned it's just too much for most people.
KIm0 -
Kim I'm glad u have good people in u'r life it is a pleasure to see them and be with them. And I know when I'm with my family/friends I laugh so much it's great.
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I am so glad to hear that people who have been on the receiving end of hostile comments cut off contact with the people who make them--even when it's family members or longtime friends. I know that isn't easy, but it can be done. When such baltantly cruel comments are made, the abuse is easy to spot. When the comments are more nuanced or passive aggressive or seem like a lapse or a slip, it's harder to see it and harder to know what to do. I'm so tired of people saying thoughtless things and then a defender saying, "But she has good intentions." That's a load of crap. Most of the world's problems stem from "well-intentioned" people. That is just cover for people putting their own interests first, as usual, in my opinion. I think if people were well-intentioned, they would have stopped to think for a mere 5 seconds and would not have said what they did.
I am so interested in where these mean and stupid comments that I just started a new topic. I'd love to read what others think is behind these comments. Here's the link:
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"You look really well!" - what do they expect me to look like?
"I really like your hair like that!" - it use to be long, blondish, staraight - now it has grown back - short, curly and very grey!
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lem_kenny---I think the hair thing gets a lot of comments--whether it's the wig, scarf--or growing back--It's a tough thing for people to see. But what gets me is it's all over TV, magazines, so many places and yet when they see it in person it's like so strange to them.0
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I had a co-worker say to me "my mother in law had BC and it traveled to her brain and she died" when I had just found out the day before I had BC.
People tell me all the time "you don't look sick"
My onc recommended I go on SSDI, quit my stressful job in Feb, last month I saw her and she said "now are you working?" I was thinking...uh...you told me not to! (she must have a lot of patients..)
People say "you should be happy, you are NED" like the cancer is gone?? This confuses me.....is it?
"Think positive" it's all in your attitude...
My favorite is "you are amazing, so strong, you can beat this!" I didn't chose this path, or even want this path, how can I be amazing, I am just doing what I have to do to get through...
"If you have unresolved issues it will keep you sick"
"God has healed you" has he? I would love to beleive that!
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oh yeah. this is great. "foot in mouth disease." This story that i'm about to tell isn't specifically about things said about cancer, its more about sentiments regarding long term and chronic illness. I think it still relates to the topic.
Last night, I was having dinner at a friend's house. I hadn't seen her or talked to her in months, which is fine, I was on the mend from surgery and grumpy, and I was actually kind of thankful to be left alone for a little while. Anyway, we're sitting there, talking about people getting married and she brings up that her cousin recently got engaged to his long term girlfriend, and then she said that she wished that her cousin would just get out of the relationship now while he still can. Some one else at the table asked why, what was wrong with the girlfriend/relationship.
The answer:
"Well, first of all she has Crohn's Disease..."
I gave her a nasty look, and cut her off saying something like: "as a person living with a long term and chronic illness, it really hurts to hear that."
Then she tried to provide the other reasons for why the relationship should end... but there was really no other reason. Mostly just the illness.
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OMG U'r friend is very tolersble of people with disease, well if he does marry her and ever gets divorced that could be put in the divorce papers as the reason. Courts would love that.
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shocking isn't it?
These things are hard to hear from other people. It sort of validates all of my fears as a young, single person with cancer... that these lame-ass renegade cells creepin' up in my bod render me more or less undateable. Its a sad thought. I try not to think it. sigh.
It not the first time this friend hurt my feelings. My personal favorite from her was when my hair fell out from chemo. she asked if ALL of my hair had fallen out, and I told her that it had. and you know what she said? she said, "Oh my god! You have little girl p***y!" I'm not even kidding you. I didn't talk to her for quite a while after that, because not only was that comment hurtful and insensitive, its also really really disturbing that her mind went there. Its also tragic that the distance between her brain and mouth is so short that she didn't have time to catch it before it came spilling out. Its a shortcoming of hers. we all have shortcomings. and so I forgave her...
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