2013 Survivors!!!
Comments
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lifeonitsside - very poignant and well written. I am still on Herceptin until fall 2013 but have gone through some of the same feelings just from the change from going to see the oncologist every three weeks to only seeing her every three months; I also feel that there is an expectation now from those surrounding me that things will return to normal now and I am not sure what normal is anymore. I think there is a gap in support for this time post active treatment that needs to be addressed. Everything was such a whirlwind while going through the treatment and we survived but I think it is only in this time period that the full impact of what we have gone through hits us and we need time and space to work through it all.
It sounds like Juneaubug's book is a good one to help through this time.
Hello to everyone, I won't try to address all the posts over the last 24 hours, I have read and sympathy to those who are grieving, hugs to those who need them, congratulations to those who are celebrating.
Take care, everyone
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Hello,
Websister - I also look at the book last night and read through a bit of it and yes it does seem like a very good book to read. Thanks Juneau for sharing this.
It was almost like during my treatments I took it on like a challenge and everyone was so encouraging and supportive. You Just stay as strong as possible and impress yourself on how strong you can be and everyone else. You get through all this and then people at times don't understand that it is not over for us. We don't have the security blanket of our doctors to talk to every week, life seems to speed up but your head is still wondering on what the hell just happened and how do we live a normal life with the constant fear of having to do this all over again. So I think that this is just part of the healing and maybe in time it will get easier:) Time will tell right
We should start a little book club maybe to discuss this book? (of course, not sure how we will all find the time:))
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Lifeonitsside - Welcome and Congrats on another step down... It is an emotional roller coaster... Give yourself time to heal from radiation... Remember it has to heal from the inside out.. this next week will usually get worse and then start getting better. Keep up with your protein and rest.... water, water, water... *HUGS*
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Shit - I can't keep up... I'm reading...constantly (thank you iPhone!) but have no time to post. So as websister said - hugs to those who need them. I can't say happy cancerversary.... that is just WRONG if you ask me. Nothing fucking happy about it. I mean it's great we are HERE to HAVE it, but FUCK THAT. Not happy... NOT AT ALL.
As for getting on the scale bi-weekly; as always I will go with the group, but for me it's weekly. actually every few days. So far the bitch isn't moving but last time I did this it would stay the same - then go up a pound for a day of two and then drop two pounds (leaving me down 1). Let's hope right? I don't have my period anymore so my cycle is all fucked up and I don't have a clue what it is. I can't help feeling like my body is just holding onto this weight more then it used to. It's been a month and I've barely lost 2 pounds.
I took the strength class today during lunch (30 mins) and then rode the exercise bike for 20 while watching NCIS on my handy dandy iPhone. I couldn't walk already from Mondays class, and now I can barely stand up. LOL! But as one of the women here at work said, I'm getting my body back one class at a time... I just hope the damn scale reflects it soon. This morning I got on and there was a 0 lb. difference. ugh! UGH!!!!
As for life after the big C - get the damn book ladies! We have gone through a trauma. I have PTSD I don't know about the rest of you. I'm back in therapy for the first time in years to work through my anger to get to my fear. I try to be grateful, and although I am intellectually - I can't get there emotionally - I'm still to fucking pissed off. I too wrote an "I survived" list around New Years (although I never found time to post it) - and yes it made me cry, and I found myself running back to continually add things to it that I left off (like thrush, or 95 degree weather with hot flashes that could cook a chicken).... but more then that it makes me angry. My life has been decimated, my body has been literally torn apart, and I am no longer a menstruating normal 44 yr old woman. Instead I have hot flashes and am being scared thin by my doctors who all keep reminding me that the fact that I gain all my weight in my belly is really bad since that is where estrogen loves to be created... in my belly fat; whilst everyone else around me has resumed their lives (including my DH) and expect me to do the same.
The book talks about how well denial serves us during our early dx and treatment time. How it keeps us focused and moving forward. That the times when we have breakdowns is becuase the vail of denial drops for a brief moment and the totallity of what we are experiencing comes crashing down. Once we get through active treatment our minds slowly spends less time in denial - slowly allowing what we have experienced to seep into our emotional selves. SO FUCKING TRUE! GET THE BOOK LADIES! Just like being here, it tells me I am not alone in the crazy that is going on up in my head and heart. That crying for no fucking reason is ok and OH! there IS a reason. It just hasn't been fully revealed to me yet becuase I just can't handle it. But at least we are working on it, right?
U ALL!!Tazzy; thank you so much for the kind words, but I am selfish and all I do for others is really for myself. We like to say that "we only keep what we have by giving it away". In other words, if lest I forget who, what I am and where I came from - I can very well, very quickly, end up right back there. (I am grateful to call you friend too and I can't WAIT until September for our get together! I'm going to get on finding a place in the next week or two. I've started a little savings account to tuck the funds away too.)
Ramols - Damn drs appointments are keeping you from being here with US! you're missed.
JPmom... Was SO NICE TO SEE YOUR FACE on this forum. We miss you. Nice car choice...
Chrisrenee; i smoked and sun worshiped for 30+ years... what are you trying to say?
Where's Mrscich????
MCook; I cut my cornea once. SO FUCKING PAINFUL. I had a patch on my eye for a week. Be careful, eyes can get infected and then you risk permanently affecting your vision.
ok back to work for me... been typing this for 15 mins and I don't want to lose my job. God put me here. For those who don't know I was offered this job after 2 months of interviewing (I never applied they found me on linkedin). The offer came 1 day after my diagnosis. They pushed my start date from June 4th to November 5th (WHAT! Who DOES THAT!?) so I could work here.... AND they have a comprehensive wellness program here that includes free Weight Watchers meetings here every Thursday, a gym (locker room) and fitness classes. Oh and by the way - you sign in to each class and after 20 classes you get a $25 gift certificate! What WHAT!? So here I am, right where I'm supposed to be as my sponsor would say. So Just for Today I'm going to hold on to that for my little bit of gratitude.
Oh BTW I'm having the scar from my port removed by my BS next Tuesday. I get sharp pains from it. It's thick and ugly painful. She couldn't believe the mess he left on my chest so she is removing the scar tissue and thining our the scar. I love her!
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Juneau- first I never would have thought you smokes or tanned. It was no offense to anyone. My sister would tan every day and has that leathery look from head to toe. She always called me ghost because I'm so fucking white. I figured she would be the one to get some form of skin cancer before I got BC. I will post a pic of the two of us. She's beautiful but just to orange for me. I will keep my pasty white sling and fake boobs. Lol
Hope everyone has had a great day. I'm just getting off work and to go get on the bitch before my hubby calls tonight.0 -
Too many posts to respond to, but I'm reading them. Hugs to those who need them, and congrats to those whose tests are clear. I'm getting a mammo on Monday - will try to stay calm.
Juneau, your job sounds amazing. Like you say, it is right where you need to be now with all that support. After treatment was done for me in July last year, I also had that 'set adrift' feeling for a while. As time went by, and I could resume my normal activities, it got better. It is a lot to come to grips with, but time is a wonderful healer. The whole experience is fading for me, and I don't think about it so much anymore. When I was in the thick of it, I felt the need to tell people, and talk about it - maybe the changed appearance, baldness, scarves, hats etc. had something to do with it. Now that I look normal again, I blend in again, and it is easier to be (almost) my old self again. I don't have the urge to talk about it anymore, and can visit with people without ever thinking about it, whereas a few months ago it consumed my whole life. It will come for you too, each in her own time. Maybe it is easier when you are older, like I am? I don't know. Just always feel so sorry when young people get it. Bc is a disease like no other, that's for sure.
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Ok, so about the weight loss, everybody probably knows this, but chemo dissolved our muscles and muscles weigh more than fat. Muscles also metabolize a lot of calories. So if you are working out and not losing weight yet, give yourself a big pat on the back anyway. You're coming back from cancer, and you are doing things that will improve your health. The scale will figure that out eventually.
Also, I lost probably 15 to 20 pounds in the year or two before diagnosis without trying to diet. I am now in rads, underweight and tired. Doctors who make cancer patients paranoid about being overweight can kiss my skinny ass.0 -
I'm here juneau. Reading every day. Too busy and tired to formulate any posts. Feeling angry these days too and trying to work through it. Angry that over a month after chemo when the hair on my head finally started coming in - my eyebrows and lashes finally gave up. Angry at all these appts and the added fear of heart, clotting and stroke issues. Angry that my one good arm has been taking a beating from some fat f'ing needles for all the damn tests. And most recently angry that my rads team decided they want to switch me to IMRT so now I have to go in and do a new mold and simulation before I start. Those of you who've done rads know how fun and comfortable that is... I'm 38 years old. Is this really my life? Sigh... I might feel better for ranting. Thanks ladies! Hugs and love to you all!
Juneau - can you please tell me the name of that book one more time? This time I swear I'm gonna order it! ;-)0 -
Ramols, best wishes to you. Rant all you want - this is the place to do it. It is so much to cope with! One step at a time, one day at a time . . . this shall pass eventually. Keep calm and carry on. (((BIG HUGS!!!)))
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Dam it! I am getting nervous about my upcoming surgery! Can't sleep, craziness has set in:( I hate this feeling. And the next male that ask me if I am getting DD I am going to kick them square in the nuts!
Juneau - once again your post is exactly how I feel as well! Thank you for your honest and candid words.
Ramols-
fuck this dam diease! You have been through a hell of a lot lately! I hope rads goes by quickly for you! In your pockets! Hell No this is not our life! We will get to the other side of all this shit, I have to believe that! I hate the fact that things will never be the same or normal for us again but you are never alone with those thoughts or without us holding your hand!
In your words:) find your happy:) mmm? Screw that today, Vent away! Find it tomorrow:)
Love you guys!0 -
Ramols, I echo what Liefie says.....all the anger is normal, you know that. This is the place to let it out, just let it out. It will pass, you know that also.
Websister ....I meant to say before that I'm happy about your mom.
Cowpower. Good news about your son, what a relief.
GmaFoley.....are you getting any better
Lifeonitsside.....welcome...you will love these amazing women.
Everybody else....forgive me....first day back at school and still a bit down about my friend....she's an ocean away....so far...she sees the onco today (it's Thursday for her)
Please send her prayers and positive vibes.0 -
Juneau- this is my sister and I. Backstory on this photo is: we were at my little sisters wedding last year 4/28/12 1 month before my diagnosis. I may not have liked my D's but they look great in this picture! haha
Ramols- I hope you feel better soon. I refuse to let this be my life, although at this point it's doing a pretty good job of controlling everything in my life. Damn cancer, it has taken my emotions, feelings and my boobs.
Weight, I got on the scale today, just to see my progress or lack there of. According to scale I'm up 3 lbs, are you kidding me??? So discouraged. I will see what happens next week.
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Chrrenee- very pretty! Thanks for sharing!
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mcook- Thank you! She's my leather bag hahaha, but I love her!
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Believe: I just picked up my angel bracelet. The pictures do not do it justice, it is absolutely beautiful... thank you so much. Here's a pic showing the angel clasps
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Shit... that didn't work - let me try that again !?
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LOL Tazzy Looking at that photo brought me back to my pot smoking one time event
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mcook... must've been some real weird shit then
I'm trying again - dunno why sometimes it works, and others not.
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McCook and Tazzy - you two gave me a very much needed laugh just now, thank you ((()))
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OK here it is... sorry its so big, but it's that or nothing ???? WTF ??
chrisrenee: lovely picture btw.
Hi to everyone - sorry dont have time to respond to all.... phew ! chatty bunch. Now I have spent an hour uploading and posting these pics I need to do dinner - a healthy veggie stir fry.
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Here's the pic showing the angel clasps... I chose this one as its my birthstone, topaz - plus it was pretty I thought. Believe again, thank you so much.
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Well shit... I went back 3 pages to see if I could see the book you are all talking about and I must've missed that post of Juneau's.
Ok - really must do dinner now.
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Tazzy, that is really pretty. Glad you got it right eventually. First time around I thought there was something wrong with my laptop. LOL!
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I am rolling about the 1st! Tazzy and Believe it is beautiful! Did I miss a post about how to order these:)
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Tazzy- beautiful bracelet! and thank you about the picture.
So found a funny! Enjoy
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Juneau, I need the name of the book too please.
Chrisrenee, your pic is great ...0 -
I have it " dancing in limbo" discovering life after cancer!
Juneau - thanks for Sharing this0 -
Dancing in Limbo:Making Sense of Life After Cancer $36.16 Hardcover on Amazon
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chrisrenee: ha ha ha... love that.
mcook: you are 'rolling' about the first...hmmm - freudian slip.
OK gonna clear up, make a cuppa tea and watch a movie. Have a great night all, and chat in the morning.
Thanks for the name of the book.
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O.K......I'm reading every day, but DANG!!!! Y'all move along sooo fast!!!
Last year I weighed 204 pounds and my BMI was 33.9 (Obese). I wasn't overweight, I was underheight. I'm 5'5" tall, and apparently at that weight I should have been somewhere in the neighborhood of 7 feet tall.
Anyway, in March 2012 I joined a medically-supervised weight loss program: Optifast. For FOUR MONTHS I was on a liquid diet.
There were so many requirements - tons of lab work, NO DRUGS, prescription or otherwise, mandatory exams by physicians, drinking a gallon of water a day, weekly support groups, and - last but not least - mandatory exercise.
Oh, and did I mention that it cost a fortune?
In the beginning, some members in my "cohort" (the group of people who went through the 30 week program with me) lost tons of weight.
The rest of us were seething with anger. How is it we could exist on 960 calories a day, walk 10,000 steps, and NOT lose weight?
It happened.
We had to change our mindset about why we were there. Yes, we all wanted to lose pounds. But the real reason we were there was that our physicians had referred us there. If we didn't change our lifestyles, our health was going to suffer in one way or another.
If one of us had a week where we didn't lose (and often, we GAINED!!!) then we'd spend time talking about how the numbers on the scale did not define us.
We talked about how the mere fact that we had perhaps walked for two hours that week had strengthened not only our heart muscles, but also core muscles, and leg muscles.
We talked about how adhering to the program was allowing our bodies to shed years of toxic foods from our systems.
We talked about how getting off all the prescription drugs we were on (except the most crucial) was providing a great relief to our livers and other body systems.
In other words, even if we weren't losing WEIGHT, we were gaining HEALTH.
So those of you who are struggling and trying to do everything "right" just remember, our bodies aren't machines, and will do everything in their own time.
Your scale may not show any change in numbers, but every single step you take, every little move you make (wait....isn't that a song?) every tiny change you make in your lifestyle, like eating an apple instead of that bagel and cream cheese.....it is making positive changes on the INSIDE, where it can't be measured on a scale.
In the long run, it will all pay off. Lab work will improve, your strength and stamina will be better, you'll sleep better at night. But I'm talking long run.
In the short run, ya just gotta have faith that what you're doing is working and it will all pay off eventually!!!
WEIGHT LOSS WARRIORS ROCK!!!
xoxoxoxo
p.s. Lost 60 pounds and more than 65 inches. BMI is now 24.0 - normal.
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