How to forgive family/friends who disappeared during cancer....

ThereseD

Selfish People have to focus on themselves. It does hurt less when we do not expect much.

farmerlucy

I totally understand where everone is coming from. Some folks disappeared, some said the "totally" wrong thing, but others were there every step of the way. My step MIL called me every Saturday afternoon for months just to asked "how you doing?". This woman has been through incredible heartache in her life, yet she is one of the most positive people I know.

I think people don't know what to say or do, so they do nothing. I choose to forgive and move forward because not forgiving hurts only me. I know I was one of the "avoiders" in the past, but I will be no longer. Thank you bc.

FireKracker

I never avoided anyone who was either sick or needed me.i was always there.

Therefore I find it very hard when ppl avoid me when im hurting...friends and family alike.

Im tryin to forgive but i have a big problem with that.

BUT

im workin on it.

Timbuktu

I never realized, until now, how truly important it is to reach out.  To make people know you care.

Every little kindness I received was such a tremendous lift.  And every snub was unbearable.  I actually only got one snub but from a very important person, my son.  And he won't discuss it.  Has absolutely ruled it out.  So I'm stuck with a boat load of hurt and resentment and have no idea what to do with any of it.  He doesn't know some thing he should but he's decided he doesn't want to talk.  It stinks!

msShelly

i may b of a different opinion. In my mind if you spend your life expecting things from other people you are going to be dealt a lot of disappointment. I had a "friend" some years ago who had a sick husband. she expected me to drive her every where and stay at the hospital with her weekly. of course in a perfect world this would have been wonderful, but i was a single mom with 2 kids to take care of. Needless to say, our friendship did not last because she felt I was not there for her in her time of need. I was there for her as much as i could be. i got together on some holidays and hung out as much as i could, phone call every month or so. I never abandoned her, but she felt that way. But honestly, that was how often we interacted before her husband was ill. i don't have that much time to spend with any of my friends. im busy being a parent, an attorney, and much more.

she also did not share much of her husbands health condition with me and i had no idea he was dying. i didn't understand cancer and in truth, my priority was to be there for my children, to pick them up from afterschool and to help them study, to bring them to activities and to be their mom. That may be considered selfish to her and to others, but i was the only parent my children have and I just couldn't give her more than i did. i had stuff going on in my own life. my father was ill and required my care. there were deaths in my family. i did my best to be supportive of her but it was not enough for her. after her husband died she was passive aggressive and we landed up severing our so called friendship. she also severed her relationship with a whole handful of other people she had known for years who she harbored anger with because she felt they had abandoned her. in my honest opinion, she had unrealistic expectations of her friends and her anger over her husbands illness became directed at people she had known for years. i felt pretty used myself by her. i was not a chauffer and i would never dream of demanding that type of "support" from my friends.  

In my opinion, and now having cancer myself, it is not our friends jobs to get us through this. everyone has a life to live of their own and has their very own problems. cancer is very scary, but i try not to burden my friends because i know no one has an easy time in this life. i rely on my wonderful family. now, if there is a very close family member who suddenly vanishes that may be very different. but even for family members, some handle illness in different ways. there is a handful of family in my life who i rely on. if one of them abandoned me i don't know how i would handle it. but i only have expectations of my closest family. i guess it is just sad when illness and sometimes death drives these huge divisions between people and friends. 

also, my friend never really reached out to me for support. she just wanted rides and other committments. i work a 10 hr day. i was exhausted a lot of the time, paying all the bills with my salary, the mortgage. i only have the weekend to really be there with my kids. i couldn't provide her with that type of support but i could have been there for emotional support. she never reached out, never expressed any interest in confiding in me, and i was only told by her that i had abandoned her after the fact. i don't consider myself an awful person. gosh if i could have been there for her and her husband more, i would have done so. i had a family to run though and no one else was going to do it for me. shes never lived life in my shoes as a single mom with some of the worries that carries and she expected me to put my family second. i don't think she would have done it for me and i couldn't do it for her. it didn't mean i didn't care about her. that was just the reality of things. i guess im just trying to say people can't read minds. if you expect something more from them, let them know, but otherwise cut them slack. i know the people i can really count on. all the others, i still love them. they do their best, but they have their own lives to lead. i don't feel anger at them. im so happy to be their friends and i would never want breast cancer to take them away from me. life is too short for anger.

i guess, what im trying to say is some (maybe not all) of the people who you feel abandoned by may not understand or may have reasons they are acting the way they are. most likely, it has nothing to do with you or your cancer. it is just life. certainly, they would not want you to feel such hurt and in their heart of hearts don't go to deliberate measures to make you feel bad. you should probably let them know how you feel if they are really important people to you and i am sure they will try to help out more or explain themselves. 

46andsingle

Reading all of this reminds me of my friend, who upon hearing my diagnosis from me, HAD to come visit.  She just insisted. I didn't really feel like company, but since she seemed to care so much, and I thought it would cheer me up, I said, "Sure." As soon as she sat down on my sofa, she said,

"I hate to bring this up, but do you have an executor.... for your will?"

Possibly the BEST words to say to a single person who lives alone with little family who has just been diagnosed with Breast cancer. LOVELY! She's just... LOVELY!  lol

fredntan

wow, that is brutal! was she volunteering?

did you show her the door?

Lily55

My partner has bailed emotionally months ago but still here physically I am really lonely let down and realize his idea of love is to be an ostrich - not enough for me now

lemon68

Thank you Seashell for this thread.

I have been lurking reading all the posts and points of view. I have a friend that just dropped me, I am not angry just disappointed. I guess I am hurt but dont want to admit it. How does someone you speak to daily console you on day of DX and then stop calling or taking calls? I think its selfish. I tell myself she has to look in the mirror and lay her head down at night, I can do that with nothing on my conscious. After reading Msshellys post I almost picked up the phone..almost. I dont want to confront her I am not sure I have the energy to do that. I know the hurt from this is only going to continue to fester inside me, obviously I dont need that.

Please go to this link and read this, I read it everynight and it is helpful in many ways.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jeff-tomczek/cancer-advice_b_1628266.html?utm_hp_ref=fb&src=sp&comm_ref=false

I hope this worked.

Ariom

My Mother always said to me "Expect nothing and you'll never be disappointed!" she said it with a strong Scottish brogue.

I have always had great relationships with girlfriends, collegues, husband and ex husbands, so it has never really been an issue for me. Imagine my surprise when a couple of close friends dropped off the radar around my Dx and surgery.

Now, don't get me wrong, I am not comparing my experience with that of others who have much worse dx than I, or have had family and parners or husbands shy away from them. I am just giving my perspective about what I experienced.

Now that it is pretty much all done, and I am doing just fine they are around again.

All I can say is "acceptance" is what I feel. Some people just can't deal with it on any level. They are faced with their own dark fears and it is too much for them.

I don't "Get It", but that's how I see it.

I am not condoning it, just trying to understand it.

I understand now what my Mother meant by "Expect Nothing, and You'll Never Be Disappointed."

gonegirl

46andsingle. I gasped when I read your "friend's" question. Horrifying



Lemon. I've read that article. It's been a big help to me too.

Ikari

I believe there are family and friends that avoid due to reasons not meant to be hurtful however it is not so in my case.

I have spent my entire life playing second fiddle to a sibling with a minor disability and as a scapegoat for all my FOOs problems.  I really thought when I was diagnosed there would be some recognition of how serious my diagnosis is, some kind of support, some empathy maybe?

After several insensitive, rude and outright ridiculous incidences including a potentially serious breach of privacy I put forth what it would take to "recover" relationships - guess what? - no takers.  However my family still play the "I dont know why she wont speak to me" card to WHOEVER will listen.  

I am FURIOUS as my FOO has once again made everything about them!!  My diagnosis is non existent unless a family member is on their latest recruit to find someone to have a go at me.

Basically what I am saying is that some people are just self centered arseholes who cannot see past the nose on their face.  Some have had their butts wiped for so long they expect everyone to continue wiping.  There are a lot of people with massive self entitlement issues and narcissistic traits.

It hurts my family are like this -  I can FINALLY see  how many years I have spent catering to their self centered needs and trying to ignore their manipulative crap and it maddens me how much time I have wasted (all my life).

I am in the process of moving on - forgiveness is not on the cards in the forseeable future - it would take too much redeeming on their part - they would rather our relationship fail than swallow their pride an apologise.

Timbuktu

I guess everything is relative.  Especially relatives.  I was overwhelmed by all of the affection my friends showed me.  I truly expected nothing.  In fact I kept it secret for a long time because i didn't want to think about anyone else.  I told my friends to please understand but I had to be alone.  But they called and were concerned and offered and were so loving in their calls and emails.  It made me feel worth something.  I made me feel loved.

My husband was great too.  

It was just my son.  I babysat for his kids twice a week.  We'd see each other several times a week.  He'd call me on the way hope from work almost every week night, just to chat.  He moved two miles from my house.  We were a close and loving family.  

When I was diagnosed my dil called and told me she would come to dr visits with me.  she's a dr.  I wouldn't think of it.  she has the kids and her career and i can get to a dr on my own.  She told me that she wouldn't want her mother going alone and I was her mother too.  I cried.  I didn't expect that from a dil.  I felt blessed but of course turned her down.

Then, she came home with a dog.  I'm horribly allergic to dogs.  He knows this.  Asthma.  Can't breathe around them.  I was short of breath on chemo.  When he got the dog, he stopped calling.  I thought I'd never see the kids again.  So I cried and cried.  He hurt my husband too, he had no support.  His sister too.  Then, after I was done with chemo, he got rid of the dog.  It never occurred to me that he would do that.  I thought I would never see the kids again.  But just like that he got rid of the dog.  It was a bother he said.  He still hasn't called.  We've seen each other a couple of times this year, to celebrate birthdays.  But I don't know who he is anymore.  It will never be the same.

Lily55

So sorry - my son and only child disappeared from contact 6 months ago and has not asked about me once and his wife never even asked how I was ever........am getting to the point of it being good riddance .......

Timbuktu

Lily, I feel your pain.  It's hard to believe grown children can behave this way,  Truly.

And I understand you perfectly when you say good riddance.

When your heart is broken it's hard to care after awhile.  At least you try not to care.

And I do think that something has happened.  I don't think I can ever feel the same.

I know he's my son and part of me will always care about him.  But something has broken.

I don't like him anymore.

I've decided to spend what time I have left enjoying my life.  After being a mom for almost 40 years I am now putting myself first.  A friend of mine, who knows me very well, said that this was 'divine intervention".  I can finally do what I want to do without guilt.  Let's go for it!!!

msShelly

lemon68, i think we all have freinds of different levels of closeness. sometimes a best friend becomes like part of the family and if we feel abandoned by them it can really hurt. all i know is i had never dealt with cancer before. i didn't understand it. i didn't know how scary it was, that it could travel. i know it sounds naieve, but i just had no clue. my old "friend" who thought i deserted her, i was not particularly close to to begin with. i didn't speak to her everyday, more like once every month or two. i had known her for a very long time, but the whole time i had known her, we had never gotten together every week. i tried to be as supportive as i could, but i honestly had no idea how ill her husband was. i didn't know because i didn't have any of the details. i just knew he was ill. she never told me he was dying, but she said i was not there for him when he was dying at his funeral.  as far as helping her, i also knew i could not suddenly become a chauffer. i would have had to hire someone to watch my children and i have never felt comfortable doing that. i live for time with my children and it just always came down to what if i am driving her and her husband an hr to her husbands doctor and we are killed in a car accident. who is going to take care of my children. i could have done other things but she expected things of me that i couldn't provide. i just really think if someone is truly important to us it is essential we speak things through with them. its sad to me a lot of the time when people don't communicate and friendships that took years to build are ended when sometimes it is a simple understanding.

its like my mom. she had a friend for 40 years. they spoke every few weeks by phone and got together once or twice a year (they lived far away). well, when my father died, my mom's friend never sent a card, just called. my mom had this massive falling out over the fact that no card was sent and they no longer talk. they never even talked about what happened, just never spoke again. my mom just ended it. it is so sad to me because the person who is really missing out is my mom. she not only lost her husband, she lost a very close friend. i guess to me, we have to realize everyone is only human and as such have weaknesses. illness is really tough and miscommunication can add to a lot of hurt and loss.

jessica749

What about inappropriate friends and family? they don't disappear, they just are inappropriate. 

For example, my sister just sent a long email (cc'd to me) to a long lost second cousin, distant relationship, we speak to /see once every 20 yrs (yeah, about 3x in our lives), announcing among other things that I had a double mastectomy two years ago. I was/am in shock.

I freaked out-called her, she hung up on me. Overreaction?

jessica749

Mind you, this is a 60 year old MALE second cousin that we have distant relationship with/to. 

Timbuktu

I don't blame you a bit for freaking out!  Talk about being passive aggressive!

bobogirl

Dear Seashell and Stormy and Lily:

I just made my very first post today, after weeks of reading posts but being afraid to post myself (I believe they call that 'lurking..').  I wanted to let you know -- of course, I've had the same treatment from my family, and we have a lot in common that way -- but I wanted to let you know that I wish I could be there for you.  I want to stop focusing on what other people are not giving me -- I want to stop focusing on "keeping score" of that -- and start focusing instead on giving support.  That's a difficult thing to do, of course -- not keeping score.  I am not that great at it yet

I've gotten to the point where I don't talk about BC with anyone.  Most of my friends (esp. new friends) don't know I've had it.  They don't know I have a lump now and I'm starting the process of getting it checked.  It's too stressful for me to deal with their reactions.  If they let me down, it's too stressful for me to find a way to ease them out of my life.  I agree with the women on this thread who say that you should focus on things in life that bring you happiness.

So I feel isolated, since I don't talk about it and since my family never asks about it.  And now I just want to listen to the stories of all of you brave warrior princesses out there and offer my support, should you need it.

I don't know why people behave like that.  I don't want to make excuses for them.  It's terrible.  I feel for you so much.

xxxxx ooooo (kisses and hugs)

bobogirl

On Sunday, my brother, when he heard I was feeding my family a healthy (organic, vegetarian) meal, sent me this text message:

'You are going to be p*ssed when I outlive you.  I will be loading your coffin into a hearse.'

This was his idea of a joke.  I don't know quite what to do about this kind of treatment.  I don't want to reform him, or share more of myself.  We live a mile away from one another.

gonegirl

bobogirl:  maybe a simple, i know you meant to be funny, but let's not joke around about my death, would be good here.

my absentee father's joke was to tell me that my silicone implants won't burn when they cremate me.  i didn't say anything at the time and i won't.  i frankly do my best to not have much contact with him.  i don't need the extra stress in my life. that's my basis for saying something or not. is this person going to be in my life, set boundaries. if not, i can choose to not bother to say anything.

or here's another idea, you can text him back saying, "actually, even with breast cancer, i will outlive you and i'll just sit and let someone else load your casket into the hearse."

people.

Timbuktu

It's absolutely horrifying how insensitive people can be!  My knee jerk reaction IS to make excuses but there really are none.  As with my son, I just don't get it.  People tell me that people are so afraid of illness that they push it away.

Maybe that's true.  But it's no excuse.

bobogirl

Gritgirl!  Those are both excellent replies!  Will you please live at my house?  

Seriously, I was thinking what you were thinking -- about not responding.  Have tried to set boundaries since 2008 dx -- have tried to share my feelings as well, to "let people in" -- but still get this kind of comment.

Hard to not have some family members 'in my life' when they live so close.  Not as if I can cut him off completely.  Rarely see him or talk on phone.  In fact, suspended text service for a while to avoid texts like these... but had to turn it back on when my daughter was in the hospital for a week.  Needed to be able to text my partner.  

So glad to have you in my corner!

Timbuktu

Sometimes no response is the best response.  Much more eloquent than anything you can think to say.  

It leaves them wondering and examining why might you have not replied and then they have to search their own souls for the answers instead of countering whatever you might say.  Yes, silence.  I think that's good.

bobogirl

In that case, it's going to be awfully quiet around here!  

Timbuktu

bobgirl... I am roaring!  Yes, it is very quiet in my house!  Good one!

Mardibra

I would reply "gee, thanks bro but I don't need you to remind me of my mortality".

bobogirl

Timbuktu and Mardibra, where were you when I needed you?!    Next time I get a text I'm going to PM you right away for your excellent snappy comebacks!  

Linda-Ranching-in-the-mTns

I truly admire what bobogirl said -- " I want to stop focusing on what other people are not giving me -- I want to stop focusing on "keeping score" of that -- and start focusing instead on giving support."

Truth is -- we can also give support to our families -- even the inappropriate ones, and the ones who pull away. If the relationship is important to you -- don't wait for them to call you -- CALL THEM. 

Perhaps our cancer gives us the opportunity to speak PLAINLY and CALMLY to people about what we need, and what (as gritgirl says) our boundaries. Perhaps our cancer can actually be the conduit to better relationships and healing with those from which we are currently estranged. I love the blunt expression of gritgirl: "I know you meant to be funny, but let's not joke around about my death". This could actually potentially open a REAL conversation with your brother (and other insensitives) about the idea that you love them but don't feel close anymore, and how that makes you sad. How you would like to know what they think would improve the relationship!

Hate to say it, but some of us do get stuck in our complaint -- don't we? 

This isn't just about those of us with cancer -- this society makes complaining into an art form!

And maybe, being around us, when we are stuck in a constant fearful/angry/complaining state of being -- might not be very pleasant sometimes -- even for our most compassionate and loving of family and friends. Some people might not want to be around us right now because we are 'too needy' or 'too morose' -- and if reading this is getting your dander up -- then this may be who you are being -- BUT YOU CAN BE ANOTHER WAY JUST BY CHOOSING TO! And, I promise you, that if you can 'give up' being 'needy' then you will be not only easier to be around -- but a MUCH happier person!

Truth is, that if you let go of 'venting' and 'story-telling about how horrible things are' in ANY SITUATION -- and vacate your mind of all those complaints -- it leaves room for peace and beauty and appreciation to flood into that now-empty space. It leaves room for creating solutions and moving forward with your life, feeling strong and free of disappointment.

We create our own lives. We choose the experience we will have -- in every single situation -- in every single moment. RIGHT NOW you could choose to think happy/beautiful/loving thoughts and your stress over whatever your complaint is will simply dissolve. Don't dwell on your dissapointments... it only poisons YOU and whatever relationship you still have with those you are judging 'inappropriate' or 'insentsitive'. Perhaps in some of these situations it is actually YOU who are so self-absorbed in your own dx and daily decisions/physical changes that you are completely oblivious to what is going on in these 'insensitive' people's own lives! (Like the gal who posted above about someone 'needing' her when she herself was caring for her dying father -- which the 'needy' person probably didn't even know.)

It is almost never the event -- it is our interpretation of that event that creates our memory and our view of life. 

'Horrible' things are ONLY horrible if we choose to think of them that way.

And uncomfortable situations provide us with many many opportunities to re-prioritize what is important to us... and to use that 'complaint' to move towards action -- create actual CHANGE -- not just another victim story to entertain (or bore) others with.

In my own past -- I used to try to make too much "sense" out of the events in my life, and the things that other people said and did. My "inner pond" was never still. I kept the waters churning with 'shoulds' and kept rehashing over and over what they should do, what I should do, who was right and who was wrong. I practiced conversations, and complained to whoever would listen.

 

But in the past few years, I have learned that the more we can just 'be' and let other people do and say whatever they do -- without directing them, and without having it negatively affect us -- without attaching any 'shoulds' (they shouldn't say/behave that way) -- the more our minds are clear and peaceful. Clear, peaceful minds are creative and restorative -- creating inspirational/warm friendships. 

 

I am not sure this sort of relationship is possible to achieve with someone who doesn't ALSO have a clear/peaceful mind ... but releasing your part of the negativity in the relationship (not falling into the old habits of 'should-ing' and judging) could at the very least make your own life more joyous.

 

Complaint just creates an irritant loop of shoulding and disappointment.... for you both. You can't change anyone else's portion of the loop -- but you can choose to change yours.

 

You can close out 'insensitive' people -- just drop them. Or -- you can close out the irritant out by keeping your own mind peaceful -- float above nasty comments/judgments and remarks. 

 

If that doesn't seem possible, a technique I have used with some success is to quietly tell people who are being overly dramatic/angry/accusatory/loud/obnoxious/drunk (or whatever the emotionally-charged behavior is) that I love them, but am not interested in that particular conversation with them. That I would love to see  them later (once they have calmed down or solved that issue, sobered up, or whatever) -- and then I leave the room. Sometimes they get real offended. But I am free -- and rather than re-hash the previous bad conversation -- I try to go walk in nature, read a book, watch a movie, something to clear my mind. I can't control what they think and feel -- I can only do what I need to to restore my OWN joyful experience of being in the moment. 

 

And now -- that is exactly what I am going to do!

 

My best to you all -- our true strength and happiness lies in what we CHOOSE to feel.

 

Linda