How to forgive family/friends who disappeared during cancer....
Hello, I would love advice on how to forgive and move on in family/friend relationships. I was diag. with bc for the second time Oct. 5. Had a double mastec. 10/26 and am having the expander reconstr. now. It was such a shock to have bc a second time when I was nearly to my 5 yr. mark! It is amazing to me that friends I considered some of my best dropped off dinner right after surgery and then have not been in touch since. I haven't even heard from my own sister (who does live in a different town from me...) The thing is, now that I'm beyond the surgery etc. I'm getting emails from them saying "Happy New Year" let's do lunch. I am so hurt by their lack of help/care in the past few months that I don't know if I can just go out to lunch and act like nothing happened?? I will admit I have a bit of the post holiday blues... Just getting thru the holidays and trying to muster up the energy to "be myself" and do all that is expected of me... And I even spent time with family and they did not say "how are you?" They did not mention the "elephant on my back" what-so-ever. I'm not trying to be on a pitty party... it just really hurts me deeply. Has anyone else experienced this? Any advice in moving forward with these relationships? I have a strong faith in God and HE has carried me through all of this, so for that I am thankful. Thanks for listening.... 
Here's the best comment of all - We were visiting my inlaws over New Years and my dear FIL said to me "it doesn't make a difference if your body has changed, you are beautiful on the inside" My MIL then said "I've never had boobs, just put on a padded bra!" - - end of subject. 
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Sea, I completely get what you are saying. My sister, who lives about 10 blocks away has apparently dropped of the face of the earth..unless she wants something of course. I started chemo on a Monday, on Friday her husband, not her, calls to ask if her 3 kids can come stay the weekend at my house. Really?! No calls to see how I was feeling, no stopping by, no nothing. Pretty much since my DX she has been AWOL. Not sure what is going on there but it really hurts my feelings. And pisses me off.
My best friend has done the same. I have talked to her a total of 3 times in the last year, and one of them was because we ran into each other at Walmat, so that doesn't really count.
I'm sorry to hear you're having these kind of issues as well. I have no advice on how to deal with the feelings their crappy actions leave us with, but I just wanted to say I get it and you are not alone.
Your FIL sounds wonderful, your MIL...not so much.
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Hi there -
I think there comes a time when you will forgive and forget. I went through the same thing. Rarely heard from my own siblings, and it honestly didn't bother me while I was going through it, but after all was said and done, I did feel some disdain. I finally realized that I can't control how people responded, but I could control how I responded in the future to those who have suffered through an illness. I often send notes and emails and texts to friends who are suffering to let them know that I am thinking of them, praying for them, ask how they are doing, etc... even those who are years out from treatment.....it makes such a difference in my day to day life when people ask how I am doing? I usually answer very quickly that i am fine....all is good, thanks for asking.
I found the several months after my treament was completed were the hardest for me mentally. I have gotten "over it"....thank God! I'm sure you will too.
((HUGS))
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My only child knew I was having scans for extension of my stage 3 cancer - not even bothered to contact me for over 6 months, not even at Christmas - forgive, no, forget, never, move on, yes.......
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I am totally where you are, how do you forgive? My parents have been awful, when I was first diagnosed they stopped calling me and stopped coming around. When I did talk to them they tried to tell me what to do. They managed to make it all about them. As for my best friend, needless to, say I don't have one any more. She lives across the street from me but yet can't seem to visit, call, text, or anything. I was there for her when her husband's humvee hit an IED and his good friend was killed. Then on Mother's Day when she found out her husband was cheating on her, I was there for her. But when I need her to be there for me all I get is a quick pep talk, "you are strong you will be fine".
The sad thing is I've seen my PS more than I've seem my parents or my so called best friend and I live in the same town with them and have to travel an hour to see my PS.
It hurts and it hurts deeply. Maybe one day I can forgive, just not today.
Just know you are not alone.0 -
Hello dear ones who responded and let me know I'm not alone in this situation! It is so difficult to go thru the physical/emotional aspects of cancer, and then to have to deal with the emotional hurt of family/friends not being there for us!
Stormy, What is it with sisters? My older sister both times I have had bc has done nothing! No card, no call, no email... I cannot imagine treating my sister that way if she was in my shoes. Seriously, your sister wanted you to watch her children while you were receiving chemo but doesn't show you any TLC? not right! I'm sorry you ran into your bf at Walmart... I think I would have cried if it had happened to me! I find myself going to off the beat and path stores so as not to run into these long lost people in my life. Thanks for sharing your story with me!
Lily, I cannot imagine your own child not caring for you, not even at Christmas time. I truly hope God has placed others in your life that are so much more like "family" to you!
mrenee, I hear you, parents can be the worst in this situation. Older folks seem to want it to be all about them...and when it's not... I'm sorry your bf has totally let you down after all you've been there for for her!? It must be difficult having her right accross the street....
Wildrumara, I so agree with you about paying it forward! When I had bc 5 years ago I then realized what it was like for others to go thru this or any other trial. I have tried to be a "caregiver" to others so much more so since then and send cards etc. You are so right, it just means alot if someone asks how you are instead of pretending it never happened. I also typically say I'm doing well and don't expect them to sit down and listen to every detail of my journey. Asking just makes it seem like they care. I know this is still so fresh in my mind with the mastect. Oct. 26th and then being thrust into the busyness of the holidays... I'm just now processing everything, now that the holidays have come and gone. Hopefully once I get beyond the expander fills etc. I will be my old self.
Thanks to all (hugs back!)
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Hey Seashell,
It isn't an easy diagnosis, never mind all the treatments, grieving for loss of breasts, different life, fear of recurrence etc... I chose to keep my diagnosis and BMX to myself for a few months, with the exception of my family of origin and inlaws. (Hid the diagnosis and extent of my surgery from my children for almost 3 months, which is how long it took me to be staged.) My dh was a dream, my family came together to support and encourage me (although my dx sent a close family member toward a nervous break down) but my inlaws were terrible. MIL was the role model for the rest of them and said the following at various times: "I didn't want to be around the doom and gloom." "We're not your servants. We weren't picking up after you and doing your laundry." She criticized how I dealt with my dx and I served as a target for her sarcastic comments when we were alone the few times she decided to come over. 3 days post-BMX, she asked my oldest if I was up and doing things yet around the house. (Geez, still had the drains, was dizzy and kids didn't know.) Shook her head tsking when was told no. I could continue but you get the idea. My MIL was mean and is probably the most hateful, cruel human being I have ever met. All I wanted was to feel loved but instead, was subjected to her narcissistic ways, totally void of empathy, compassion or basic human decency. Her viciousness has deepened one year later and I have spoken with my MO regarding the stress of it all. She leaned forward and told me that having bc entitled me to remove people from my life who treat me poorly. How do I deal with it? It is hard some days but mostly, I try to replace the hurt with love. I go out of my way to be kind to others, take soup to an ill person, support others in their time of need, pay for the order of the person behind me at Tim Horton's, compliment people more and love people through their difficult times. I believe the only way to rid yourself of the anger and hurt is to replace it with love. Love and kindness will attract love and kindness. Others like you will gather around. At the very least, you will know that you have made a difference in someone elses life and that will put joy in your heart. I pity my MIL because of her incapacity for empathy and compassion. She is so self-centred that she is missing out on one of life's greatest gifts: giving of oneself. (People really don't understand what we go through during a breast cancer diagnosis and BMX. Until they have walked the path, it is really just a boob job to them and most people think that there is a cure for bc. The 'c' word also scares the pants off some people, forcing them to confront their own mortality and perhaps they don't know what to say.) Find comfort with those who understand. Sending you cyber hugs, PLJ
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Friends and Family are complex human beings. I see me as a very commassionate one and will to help anytime. My first bout of cancer was when were living in Canada. My family lived 6 hours away and so I guess I could understand why they didn't visit or call. My other mom called once a week but could get out to see me due to working with the Russian bankins system set up.
Now I live no more that a 60 mile radius from all of them and have not seen them nor hear from them. I know people handle things diffierntly but this sucks but I do realize that I have never had their support so what was I expecting.
I can't stand ones that promise the world we will do this or that and it never happens.
I have my hubsand but he is a male.Dad and Mom don't get it. So, I walk, live, and have this thing in my face everyday and no one gets it. Come and see me, get out of your comfort zone. Do no be afraid. I am not afraid. This just breaks my heart I have sisters and brothers that can't even offer to get me to some appointments. Guess Taxi time when radiation starts. You all can do the Chemo Happy Dance for me as I am finished. !!!!
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You are not the only one.... And, I am not sure forgive is the right word.
Right now, I am into "do unto others". If they do not call, I do not call. If they do not visit, I do not visit. If they show no interest in me or my DH or kids, I show no interest in them. I have hidden them on FB.
I don't think of it as forgiving, I think of it as prioritizing the people who gave a damn. They did not make the list.
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The one who surprises me is my oldest sister. 6 hours away, has "been there" in the past for me, with a life crisis, but nothing for the cancer. I just had BMX on 1/10/13, stuck at home recovering. I don't hear from her, no emails, no cards. Other people who have been through it are the best, I'm realizing. This hurts, but would I be any better, before having gone through this myself?
Friends from work and 2 good BC survivors are the people who check on me, take me to appts (can't drive yet). My son is young, but he does what he is capable of.
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Congradulations crazykat!
I dont have time for friends now that didnt support me. I havenew friends now.0 -
Hello All,
PLJ, Thanks for your words of encouragement and oh my! your MIL is worse than mine I think!? I think you said it best... they are self centered and when it's not "all about them" then it all begins.... I, like you, am now trying to "live each day to the fullest" and that includes being positive and being kind to all that I encounter. It does help so much! Cyber hugs your way also!
Krazy Kat, I'm sorry that you are also experiencing the "loneliness" of bc. It is so hard to understand why people disappear when you need them the most!? Prayers for your radiation treatments...and I hope an angel surfaces that can give you some rides to treatment so you don't have to take a taxi! I feel like God puts angels in our lives to replace those who disappeared. Have you started the rad. yet? Happy for you that your chemo is done!
Trailer Trash, you are right - - other bc survivors understand and help the most! My older sister totally ignored me for the most part with both bc journeys. If she was in my shoes...could I ignore my own sister?? She does live in another state but still... an email is free!!??
Peebee, I am at the wrestling point with where to go with these "friends" who have hurt me by abandoning me during these past few months. Perhaps I'll take your advice and focus on the friends who were there!
ADVICE PLEASE - - One of my "friends" who I actually consisdered one of my best friends pretty much disappeared in my life. She did bring a beautiful dinner just after my surgery and then I never saw her again. She would send an email now and then and just make small talk about this and that. It is her Birthday this week and we usually take each other out for our B'days and exchange gifts etc. etc. I don't know if I can take her to lunch and pretend that I'm not hurt by her?? (We usually do Christmas tea/gifts also but she pretty much avoided that topic and we never did it.) It will be so hard to go to lunch and make small talk and pretend that my bc didn' just happen. Any advice? It is so much easier to be with those who walked the journey with me. It's not that I want to talk about it 24/7 but they do ask "how are you?" and I say "doing well" and that is the end of it. It just means so much that they walked the road with me...
Seashell xoxo0 -
Hello Seashell, I am so sorry to hear about family/Friend relationships. Before logging onto this site, I was sitting here feeling lonely, sad, and depressed because no support from friends and family. The only exception is that my mom is my only true support system. I believe on some days, she appears to be frustrated, so don't know wheat her it's me that cause her stress. To be real, I think it's me because she gets stress related headaches which negatively infleunce her overall health.
I was glad to read that other feels the same. It appears that after informing family and friends of my diagnosis I guess I thought they would care. With regards to my only sister she states she has her known issues. I would never treat her this way. The worst part is that I have a friend (NO LONGER A TRUE FRIEND BUT A CLASSIFIED HIGHER RANKED ASSOCIATE) that was diagnosed with bc six years ago, she received a mastectomy and has been cancer free for over six years. When I diagnosed she came over that night and one other time. She utter these words"YOU will not take this walk alone, I promise." Since then she has called a few times and oh! she called the day she thought I was having surgery 1/8/13. Out of all people, you would think she would call, email, or facebook me.......It appears I am the least person she thinks about. I see her on social medial sites; she post pictures of her "living it up." I am not jealous but when she was on her bc journey I was there for her plus I checked on her everyday and offered to assist in anyway possible. I must be fair, she will call the night of my surgery to say hello(she know my surgery date so she might call strictly out of guilt) and politely ease off the phone. Another so-called friend, has a daughter that died of bc(about 13-14yrs ago, early 20's,bc prevalent amongst her family), she's called a few times to only speak negatively or uttering about the death of a family/freind the conservation can be daunting... really I prefer no call with all that. To be frank, I feel like when I explain my diagnosis and how I grateful for non-invasive form of bc she become discouraging...it's like wants things to be worst. She has not really dealt with the death of her daughter, I really feel sorry for her. But, for now I will not deal with negative vibe.
With regards the other family and so-called friends, I really think they don't give a damn. I am the one that always call to check on everyone and express my concern or visit because I truly care. I am the whole-hearted freind until the end.
This bc jourmey is something else. In the future I hope to walk with others that are faced with bc. I will never run or hide.
About 5 months ago while on a doctors appt, I met a woman that was diagnosed with bc and was receiving radiation. The lady was in the waiting area sobbing. She stated that her entire family turned their backs on her. I did not know the right words to say but I gave her a hug and prayed for her. We exchanged telephone numbers, I called her twice but since I lost the her number. It's amazing how I met this woman and now I walking a similar path; dealing with selfish family/friends while on this journey.
I can truly relate with this poster and the remaning post. I will admit I am somewhat pissed and hurt by the reaction and lack of support from folks that I thought cared for me. Gee, I was fool to beleive that. But, I am grateful for God to allow me to see folks for who they really are. I pray that God heals my heart because I can not entertain those folks that ignored me or turned their backs on me during the most diffculty time of my life in the near future, cause with me alone (without God) I can not or will not fake it.
I am having my first surgery this upcoming Tuesday1/29. My mother will escort me to the hospital. I pray for my surgeon and the medical team. If all goes well, I will start radiation within two weeks. Afterward, I hope to receive a clean bill of health so I move on with life, let me say a better healthier life. I want a fresh start with life and to surround myself with a circle of family and friends that are genuine. All the fake and selfish shakers can keep it moving.
I am reminded of one or two things, with some I will have to love from a distance and with others I will have to feed them by a long handle spoon. I won't be mean spirited..........I am going to pray that God heal the hearts of the selfish folks meant on this thread.
I hope and pray that things get better for each and everyone of us.
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"I'm not trying to be on a pitty party... it just really hurts me deeply." I know exactly how you feel. I never thought my brothers would completely bail on me but 2 of the 3 did. The two who live nearby. Never once saw them after my multiple surgeries or through chemo or radiation. I would never have done that to them. Honestly, I was stunned. I couldnt imagine treating a stranger that way. I have finally decided to delete them from my life. It has caused a huge issue with the rest of my family but I just cant have a relationship with people who didnt give a crap about me when I needed them. The one thing that gets at me the most is that somehow my mother is making it seem like this family fracture is all my "fault" and its my responsibility to fix it. She is 85 and just doesnt get it. So I have given up. Im done. I dont know about you ladies but I dont think I can ever get beyond this.
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I can relate with all of you about some family members not being supportive. My mom was great, we live in different states (I am single) and she came and lived with me for 8 months (all of chemo, surgery and recovery). My sister on the other hand never once called ME. She called my mom, but never me. Never sent me an email, card, text, NOTHING! At the time I was hurt, angry, mad, shocked, disappointed and really in disbelief! She was my sister...really... she didn't give a damn about me??? I would have been the opposite if it had been her. I just couldn't believe how she was (is). It was a big ordeal at the time and I pitched a huge fit and came unglued (to my mom about it) and told my mother not to speak to my sister about me at all. No updates, no information, nothing, if my sister wanted to know how I was she needed to call ME to find out. To this day I ask my mom not to say a word about me or my son to my sister. I am a year and a half out from tx. I have disowned my sister and let it go. I have not talked to her. I stopped sending Christmas gift and Birthday cards. Now that time has passed and I think about it...I realize that it is not me, it is HER. She is and always was very self centered, doesn't have the capacity to care about others. It all about her, her, her. She is VERY materialistic and I am not. I was always the one who reached out, always the on who called. I live at the beach and she would call me when she wanted to come for a "free" vacation. She would stay with me but we always did what SHE wanted to do. She would bring me down and I would always be so disappointed that it wasn't more fun. I would be glad and feel relieved when she would leave. Now, I see her for what she is. My thoughts now are, if that is what she is about, I do not need her in my life. I am not angry any more and I don't miss her. (Some times I do still shake my head in disbelief...) But just let it go...Sad but true.
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One way to get past these feelings is to expect nothing from no one. Give 100% of the love/attention that you WANT to give your family/friends... and expect NOTHING in return. Then you can never be dissapointed, and can experience true joy/appreciation when someone does offer something.
I know that sounds cold -- but if you can wrap you mind around this concept -- it is a recipe for happiness for the rest of your life.
Don't spend your energy being disapointed. It only poisions the relationship even more... and what a toxic waste of your own time and thoughts.
Another practical solution is to ask directly for what you want. Did you ask your sister/friend/husband/in-laws specifially for something that they didn't provide -- or are you only angry about what you think they 'should' do or say that they haven't? If we don't ASK -- they don't know. People without cancer tend to think that it is 'cureable' and that there is nothing they can do. Especially sisters and daughters (also female friends) have their own fears re breast cancer -- and some simply can't face those fears -- so they pretend you don't exist, or that 'the problem' doesn't exist.
Truth is that we have no idea what past experiences and odd opinions anyone else has. They live their lives the best they can -- just as we do. They have hundreds of bits of information flying at them from all sides -- and (especially if we didn't clearly ASK for their time/companionship) they probably are completely unaware that we feel they have slighted us!
The way I dealt with this (as well as the friends who DID want to stay in-the-know -- which resulted in the same conversation over and over to update everyone on the newest: Biospy, MRI, CT-scan, lumpectomy, BMX. recon, etc etc and all the mental/emotional ups/downs) -- I wrote an email update and sent to about 15 people who I cared about. I told them in the first email that I loved them -- and understood that they had varying interest in the blow-by-blow -- so feel free to read or not -- and if they wanted off the list, to just tell me, and my feelings wouldn't be hurt. Then I included photos, and the latest update -- whenever it occurred to me, or when I felt lonely. In response to the bulk updates, some of my relationships became much deeper. Some people never responded at all. But I can't even rememeber who those people might have been, because I didn't have all my 'fragile eggs' in that one basket.
I found dealing with my sister to be kind of hard... we have always been close, and she continued to text/call/email nearly every day -- but she kept going to ANGER at cancer -- and the unfairness of it all -- which wasn't really helpful to me. Funny thing is that I began comforting her... and that helped me actively look for the 'good things' to comfort her with. Turns out she was dealing with (and still is) a lot of un-dealt-with anger and sadness over my father's death last year... and the slap-in-the-face of bc for her 'little-sister' was simply more than she can bear. She was often over-bearing in her advice, and un-supportive with my 'phases' of denial/anger/acceptance... she was 'in anger' and stayed there! Wow! I mean angry!
I finally just went to visit her (a 10-hour drive one-way) because I could tell she still isn't handling any of this very well. Turns out she is still angry at me for stuff from 20 years ago that she can't let go of... and has some terribly ingrained notion that as "big-sister" it was always her role to protect me (admirable, but now that we are 57 and 61, you think she would have realized by now that she can't protect me from having my own life.)
Anyway -- her own 'stuff' is deep. I could be irritated that she didn't support me the way I wanted her to... or I can accept that she is knee-deep in her own grief and just doing the best that she can... and not "expect" anything from her -- and be OK with that -- because I know that all of live is ebb and flow and the people who are important to us will show up again and again -- and sometimes they can help us and sometimes we just have to help them.
Practical advice -- if some one person isn't bringing JOY into your life -- focus on what does, and try to leave room in your thinking for them currently having some problems of their own.
Seeking solace or happiness or support from outside ourselves is a recipe for frustration and dissapointment.
I was the primary care-taker for my beloved father during his year of esophogeal cancer (chemo/radiation/tons of doc appts/treatments/surgeries) and lived with him the last month of his life in Hospice. It was HARD. But it also was epiphanal and I experienced a huge opening of soul. I came to truly appreciate love and connection and the beauty of life.
Our time here (all humans --- not just those of us with cancer) is fleeting. And too short to waste time being dissapointed -- especially with the ones we love.
They don't need our guilt. It is not our job to 'fix them'.
It is not their job to behave the way we want them to -- and to 'expect' them to behave 'better' is just living a life in judgement... which makes us more bitter -- and more isolated.
Find your JOY. And concentrate on that.
My best to you all
Linda
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In a way, I was lucky. I had several tragedies in my life before I was finally diagnosed with breast cancer. When my mom died of a aneurysm that left her on life support, leaving her children to help her die, I had several friends who just disappeared. It was stunning. A woman I barely knew was the one who called me often and let me just cry. She told me that there would be people who I thought would be there, who will disappear. And then there will be people I didn't expect whom I didn't expect anything of, and they would come forward and help.
That has certainly been my experience with cancer as well. I had whiittled out most of the abandoning friends, but apparently there were still a few more. I lost one friend to her being overwhelmed by my cancer. And the other friend is floating out there killing herself, trying to take care of her mother with alzheimers. The first friend, I let go. The second friend I understood why, and so we have limited contact.
I dwelled for a while on the two friends but finally I hope have come to acceptance of the situation. It was about them, not me. But still, it's sad.
Thank God for the folks in my life who did step forward. I am single and this would have been a nightmare. As Linda said, one of the things I did was ask for exactly what I needed. If I needed a ride, I asked. If I needed someone to come to chemo with me, I asked. If I needed someone to spend the night with me after chemo, I asked. And when I began to feel like a burden for asking, a friend told me to get over it and keep asking.
But still, I did my best to spread myself around so no one got burned out. I asked a lot of people to help and I tried to make it fun. The person who came with me to chemo was doing Chemo Duty and we went to lunch before my infusion. The person who came over to spend the night was doing Chemo Watch and we ate dinner and then watched a movie. It was like a fun sleepover. I actually miss it. It was like a fun teenage experience. But being metastatic, I am praying like Hell I don't have to go through it again.
Most people don't know what to do to help, but want to help. And a few just can't handle it for various reason. I do my best to focus on the folks who can help and on thanking them profusely, while asking for help. They are my angels.
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I just clicked on this thread this morning and read the last few posts.
I wanted to say how beautiful and loving these last two posts have been. The pain in the earlier posts are hard and raw but Linda and grit have found such forgiving and accepting ways of moving forward. Not discounting the pain others suffer with loneliness and lack of true support.
The range of support and encouragement these boards give to all of us in so many different ways is humbling to read.
Often we forget to thank those who have touched our lives and this morning I want to acknowledge these two lovely ladies for taking the time and energy to be there for others.
A blessing to them.
Moira
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Hi
Sometimes I think it's us who have changed not our friends etc. They love us etc but don't know what to say. We've changed and expect our friends/family to know what our needs are, but they don't.
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I wrestled with some anger, resentment, abdonment feelings through treatment and shortly after it. Seems like the further I get away from it, the more I can see some rationale.
For the people who seem to drift away- its like we ( the diagnosed ones ) gave them a big cold dish of reality when they were expecting something better.
I imagine their thoughts include: oh snap- that could happen to me, well she's too busy-sick-whatever with the cancer, they'll call me if they need me (yeah, right!) cause I told them to, I don't want to catch that, I can't deal with that- it hurts too much to see them like that (another, really?! moment there), well they can't possibly do what I need them to like always...
Some people's world revolves only around how they think and feel. Yes, it hurts to figure out that we had valued them more than they valued us. Like someone else said, I don't go out of my way to stay in touch with those former relationships. There are bigger and better things out there for me to spend my time on and do with others.
I feel your pain, have felt that way myself. Time and distance help, but in the moment it's an individual decision, are they worth it? Do they really get it?
Best wishes to you all. -m0 -
For me, it is less about forgiveness, and more honest to goodness wondering what to do. For instance, my "godmother"--I can't even call her that anymore without quotes--stopped being in contact right when I reached out during the worst of my treatment. I was really suffering, and she never wrote back. Now, two years later, she's posting on my FB wall that she wants to do dinner. Part of me thinks, okay, let's be the big person. But then...what do you say to someone who missed that part of your life. I don't think either of us can pick up where we left off, as they say, because that's the sticking point of it all.
I'm asking this genuinely, not rhetorically because I learn so much from all of you. How can we build deep relationships if we don't have any expectations? I asked my Buddhism teacher the same thing some 20 years ago, and I know it's a process. Anthropologists describe hospitality as a form of expectation building so that we create community. (The old, "you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours" thing.)
"But doctor...I hate Pink!'s" post on this made me weep. We all make mistakes. We don't love equally and as well as we should all the time. But come on. A good person knows when they flubbed. And a good person should pick up the darn phone, or write an email. And I think if they don't, she said it best: that's not love.
I think it's okay to be upset. It's not the feelings that are bad, it's the inaction that comes with it. I agree with folks here: though I wish my godmother were in my life as I had hoped she would be when I was ill, I learned who I want to be and put that energy into the world. And I am actively grateful every day to the people who stayed the course. I will be there for them, too.
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Thinking of the earlier post, that said, "expect nothing"....then you aren't hurt when you get nothing, and you are joyed at those that help. I guess I am like that, but I do have a couple of supportive people in my life, which I realize makes it easier to write off the others. My mom was freaked but very helpful in her own way, very much 'there' to help with the child, etc. And my sisters 'tried' in their own way. But I have 'friends" I thought were good friends, too, who I never heard from. One good friend neighbor who was with me the day I got the "it's cancer" post biopsy call, and then she disappeared. A few emails, and a after a couple of months, when surgery and major treatment upheavals/decisions were over, said, 'let me know' what I can do to help. UH, nothing -- NOW, I wanted to say. I have another 'friend' of many years, who sent me flowers on all sorts of ridiculous occasions. When I got a umpeemth degree, when I got a job, but when I was in the hospital getting a mastectomy , chemo etc., nothing. I chalked all of it up to people being unable to deal. Fearful, selfish, whatever. Their shortcomings. And maybe because I had some who were there I just dismissed those who weren't.
I just see it as their own character flaws.
And it's kind of interesting, to see who shows themselves to be there that you didn't expect.
Look, before I had cancer I was much less able to be sympathetic to those going thru these kind of traumatic events. Now I'm better. Recently, a good friend who was THERE for the bc (actually, wasn't someone I considered a 'good' friend but was "THERE" so became so....) has been going through a traumatic legal event. I am so THERE, so sympathetic and unjudgmental, because she was there for me. It's not cancer, but it's similar in the 'life is what happens while your busy making plans' and that throw you for a loop and threatens your core being. So I just feel I am better at giving back. And I don't have anger or anything at those who didn't know how to deal, I just know more about them and their limits. Good for me to know that, is how I see it.
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Do un to others....they treat you like you are nothing I do the same.
If you care about me pick up the damn phone or come to visit.
If thats too much for anyone to do...well then kiss my A#^.See ya!!!!
Thats for both friends and family....
Oh I cannot handle it is such a crock!!!!!
I betta stop now cause im getting really ticked off.
I feel your pain....each and everyone of you.
WE CARE ABOUT EACH OTHER.wE ARE THE FAMILY AND FRIENDS WHO DONT.
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People don't understand what it's like to go through getting your breast cut off, getting chemotherapy and radiation. They can't relate. They are afraid as well. I went through breast cancer twice, by myself. I womaned up and thought, "Hey, at least I'm still alive! It's just a body part. I still have my life." Everyone has their own lives, and problems, etc." The second time around when I was going through chemo, I made a picnic lunch, brought my computer with me and watched movies. I decided to be positive and not feel sorry for myself, and think I'm lucky I caught it in time, and I'm still better off that the young mother who died and left behind her 5-year old daughter. I decided to be positive. I changed my diet, lost 59 lbs, exercise in a pool, and I continue my life like nothing happened. Just a bump in the road. It's better that way. Just forgive everyone and do positive things with the time you do have. Remember that the rest of the world is worse off than we are. Read autobiographies of people who overcame extreme hardships, and watch movies of the same. It will help you to be positive. Act like it's nothing, and be glad you are still alive. This is what I do and it works for me. Hope this helps you feel better. You aren't alone. People do this to cancer patients all the time. Good luck!
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I think maltomlin said it best when she said she sometimes she thinks it's us who has changed, not our friends.
I tend to agree. On September 15, 2011 (date of dx) I officially stopped putting up with BS and psychodrama.
In the past, whenever I heard that someone was dx'd with BC, I would say the ol' "Oh-I'm-so-sorry-please-let-me-know-if-there-is-anything-I-can-do" thing, then I was done. I could send little cheery cards, but I really didn't know what a BC dx really meant. Did any of us, before we were diagnosed? Probably only if a loved one went through it before us.
My sister never called or visited me once, despite the numerous times we were called to the ER (even taking her once) for her many incidents, most related to her not taking care of herself after her minor stroke.
My brother said he would be at the hospital the day of my surgery, but at the last minute texted DH that he thought he might be coming down with a cold (despite the numerous times we sat with him in the hospital when his partner was sick and dying.) He did call and text a few times afterwards, but to this day, has a difficult time being in that role. He doesn't want to "intrude".
Neither of them are bad people. They are just stuck.
My in-laws were fabulous. My 91 year old FIL kept telling DH that he was available to come and sit with me if DH needed to go out, or would call and ask if he could pick up anything from the store since he was there anyway. (My 92 year old MIL is in a nursing home, and kept sending her love and prayers each time she talked to DH.) To this day, they tell me how much they love me and how much they admire me for my strength and my perseverance.
I told a dear friend I had breast cancer and her response was shock...and "Let's do lunch next weekend - I'll call you!" I never heard from her again for over a year. Not one word. Then one day she called to tell me her mom had died....and in the conversation she apologized for being such a bad friend, but her head was so messed up after her boyfriend died...(I had no idea!!!). DH and I went to her mom's funeral, she and I had brunch the next day, we're good.
I often think of people who are such @$$holes at times of crisis... especially family members and close friends... and my mantra is "It must suck to be them."
Seriously.
Their emotional issues go WAY deeper than their inability to empathize with what I am going through.
And there are so many people who really love me...THEY are the ones who deserve my energy and my time.
And those who don't? If I forgive them, then that frees up valuable real estate in my mind to concentrate on those I love the most.
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And while we're on the subject ...
I love Matthew West's version of "Forgiveness" played on most Christian radio stations.
Matthew West - "Forgiveness" Lyrics
It’s the hardest thing to give away
And the last thing on your mind today
It always goes to those who don’t deserve
It’s the opposite of how you feel
When the pain they caused is just too real
It takes everything you have just to say the word…
Forgiveness
Forgiveness
It flies in the face of all your pride
It moves away the mad inside
It’s always anger’s own worst enemy
Even when the jury and the judge
Say you gotta right to hold a grudge
It’s the whisper in your ear saying ‘Set It Free’
Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Show me how to love the unlovable
Show me how to reach the unreachable
Help me now to do the impossible
Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Help me now to do the impossible
Forgiveness
It’ll clear the bitterness away
It can even set a prisoner free
There is no end to what it’s power can do
So, let it go and be amazed
By what you see through eyes of grace
The prisoner that it really frees is you
Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Show me how to love the unlovable
Show me how to reach the unreachable
Help me now to do the impossible
Forgiveness
I want to finally set it free
So show me how to see what Your mercy sees
Help me now to give what You gave to me
Forgiveness, Forgiveness~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Forgiveness - the prisoner that it really frees is you...POWERFUL!!!
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Hello All! I haven't posted in awhile but have enjoyed all of your sharing! I'm glad I'm not the only one who has experienced the loss of family/friends during the cancer journey. It's therapeutic to share our stories and sadness over this and just vent a bit! Not to be rude, but I'm not sure I agree with "don't have expectations of others." That is easier said than done. I think it is human nature to need the love and care of family/close friends during cancer surgery/treatments etc. It is very sad to lose these people in your lives when you really need them...and to just pick up later like nothing happened. I did have lunch with my friend who had disappeared, but it all just seemed like chit chat. She had no idea what all I had been through. It's not that I want to talk about myself and my cancer non stop, but it's like that chapter never happened... but to me, I'm still trying to heal physically and emotionally. It is so much easier for me to be with those who walk with me through the good times and difficult times. As some of you have said... there are new Angels in our lives and I chose to spend my time with them.
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I so much agree with you, there where angels that helped
me drive myself to chemo and then I would drive to get
a milkshake or alittle to eat and go home alone and be sick.
Now one of my drinking brothers has been stealing from
my shed and wants to borrow money cause he lost his job.
I cant believe my brothers dont even come or send a Christmas
card and steals and need money. What is with this!
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Seashell,
I relate completely!!! I'm sure forgiveness is ideal and not to have expectations does sound good on paper. However, I have been so surprised, as well as shocked, at how lonely BC can be. I have one friend who has had breast cancer who understands. Aside from that, it has been very disappointing. It feels very lonely. I went from a house full to now just renting a bedroom from my sister. Even my husband bailed to our home in OK as soon as he felt I could take care of myself after BMX/DIEP (I'm in Calif to help care for my mom)
The topic was "How to forgive family and friends" hmmmm....it's tough and sadly, I've become angry. (Plus... moody on Tamoxifen and I am probably chasing them away at this point!! Ha) Aren't you glad we have this place to come together? I know I am. Hang in there.
Hugs to everyone that this topic hit home with.0 -
I don't mean to toot my horn, because god knows I have huge huge faults. But yes, I did know what a cancer diagnosis meant. It meant my friend was suffering, afraid, and needed my help. I read studies about her treatment with her, talked to her for hours about what she would do, and went to her recovery. And checked in on her constantly.
I think part of our job is to find our soulmates. I don't believe there is just one romantic partner soulmate, we all have our birds of a feather out there. Maybe this is the job of letting go, focusing on the people you share values with. And loving them. In fact, after this post, I sent a note to my great friend and colleague who stood by me so fiercely through my treatment. I wrote her that I am in awe of her, and she is my mentor.
I am not much for FB, and I think the virtual world is a sorry excuse for real human touch and feelings. BUT, the BC community is different. We are here for each other. I have made my way through this journey with so much support and feedback, and it has helped me get my life back. I do believe we are the friends and family when our "real" world fails us, and I would be there in a heartbeat for a lot of gals here who stood by me in my process.
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I get the "they don't know" part, and I can even imagine the "got stuck" mentality. And, I do not have expectations now, and few then.
And, I too struggle with the issue of how to deal with them. A close family member who was supportive is now ill and I probably need to make the trip and see him. However... I do not want to deal with the rest of them. I have a hard time imaging conversations - for example, what do I say when someone asks how am I doing? I have no desire to go through the side effects that lingered or the permanent damage. But, it is there, it is visable and it is an elephant in the room. And, I know if something were to happen to one of them, I am the one who will get the "come help and take care of us call". My reaction now is going to be no.
For the friend, I would simply send a generic birthday card. If she wants to get with you she can call.
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