How to forgive family/friends who disappeared during cancer....
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Up until 4 weeks ago, I would have said the worst thing that happened to me in 2019 was my cancer diagnosis. Now it's in the running with a rift with our son and his wife. I don't know the cause of the rift, as they won't talk to us. It's easy to speculate and blame and guess at motivations, but we (husband and I) really don't know what's wrong. Crap way to end the year, that's for sure.
As for forgiving them, that would be easy if we could just talk about it, and if they can own some of the issues, rather than making me the villain in everything.
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MM I am sorry you are still dealing with this.
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HELLO TO ALL OF MY B/C SISTERS,, THINGS HAVE CHANGED AGAIN WITH MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY ONLY SON..HE CHANGES HIS ATTITUDE WITH ME..LIKE THE WEATHER CHANGES..FOR NO REASON.. HE REALLY HURT ME THIS PAST CHRISTMAS.. ALL I GOT WAS AN XMAS CARD THAT HIS WIFE ADDRESSED.. AND OF COURSE I SENT ONE BACK TO THEM.. BUT.. I DIDNT EVEN GET A PHONE CALL OR TEXT OR EMAIL THIS YR..THEY ALWAYS STOPPED BY EITHER ON XMAS EVE OR XMAS DAY FOR A VERY SHORT VISIT..LAST YR HE SENT ME AN EMAIL THAT THEY WERE GOING TO FLA.FOR THE HOLIDAYS SO THEY WONT BE AROUND..OK I DIDNT BELIEVE THAT..BUT WAS BETTER THAN NOTHING LIKE THIS YR..IN FACT I WAS IN THE HOSPITAL 3 TIME IN OCTOBER.. NOW WAITING FOR A SURGERY FOR MY SKIN CANCER [ .I HAVE AN ONGOING RARE TYPE..]. COMING UP IN A FEW WEEKS.. I AM NOT EVEN TELLING HIM.. AS HE DOESNT KNOW ABOUT MY HORRIBLE MONTH OF OCTOBER THAT PASSED.. SO NOW I TOTALLY DO NOT HAVE A SON..THIS IS THE LAST TIME HE IS GOING TO BAIT ME..WITH PICS HE SENDS ME AND HIS FRIENDLY TEXTS..I WILL NOT RESPOND ANYMORE..HE HAS A HABIT OF DOING SOMETHING NICE..THEN TURNS AROUND AND STABS ME IN MY HEART..PLUS HE DOESNT PERMIT MY 2 GRAND CHILDREN TO CALL OR EMAIL ME.. THEY FEAR THEIR FATHER..AND OBEY HIM..WELL ENOUGH OF MY SAD STORY.. JUST WANTED TO WISH ALL OF U GALS A HAPPIER & HEALTHY 2020.. WE ALL DESERVE BETTER..!! GOD BLESS..!!! ~HOPE
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HI MARA.. I JUST POSTED A LONG UPDATE ON ME & MY SON..NOT GOOD EITHER..BUT I WANTED U TO READ IT.. I HOPE U ARE STILL DOING OK.. WISHING U THE BEST IN THE NEW YEAR.. XOX ~HOPE
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My only child stopped bothering with me 7.5 years ago.......a few months after cancer diagnosis.....there were problems before but nothing that merited this....if he drives or walks past me we are like strangers. I have not told him I am stage 4 now nor all the problems I have.....I am afraid my heart has said goodbye to him as he would only add stress to my life......
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Mwbirren, I just wanted to say that it sounds like you are a wonderful support for your wife. My husband was my rock and I love him so dearly, even more after my diagnosis.
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hi Lilly.. i believe that you are correct about him just adding more stress & anxiety into your life at this time..if he is anything like my son..He wouldnt care if I was stage 10 cancer !!! It wouldnt phase him at all..And YES..THIS IS MY FINAL GOOD BYE TO MY SON.. HE WILL NOT EVEN KNOW ABOUT MY UP COMING SURGERIES IN JANUARY. I AM FINALLY DONE..& YES IT HURTS.. BUT I HAVE TO CONSIDER THAT I AM A REAL PERSON & NO WAY DESERVES THIS TREATMENT FROM HIM..PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOU !!!!!! ~HOPE ** MY BIGGEST LOSS IN THIS MESS IS MY 2 TEENAGE GRANDCHILDREN THAT I HAVE NOT SEEN IN 2 YRS.ON XMAS.. I MISS THEM SO DAM MUCH..
KEEP IN TOUCH IF U NEED TO VENT..~HOPE0 -
Having been on the opposite end you are, I believe I'm able to answer this. It's because they were not able to cope with the pain. Which anyone knows the person who has it the worst is the one going thru it. It's extremely scary and painful. I've been like one of the people that wasn't very present and would hope people would be there for me. But, at the same time I'd get why they weren't there. If you think they cared about you before the illness then I bet they really did. Here is the true answer and I hope that brings some kind of peace and closure to people in this difficult world.
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Having been on the opposite end you are, I believe I'm able to answer this. It's because they were not able to cope with the pain. Which anyone knows the person who has it the worst is the one going thru it. It's extremely scary and painful. I've been like one of the people that wasn't very present and would hope people would be there for me. But, at the same time I'd get why they weren't there. If you think they cared about you before the illness then I bet they really did. Here is the true answer and I hope that brings some kind of peace and closure to people in this difficult world.
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Thanks, kelly. I think that is true for many people -- if their relationship was solid pre-diagnosis, then the family member may be dealing with fear and pain in their own way, which is hurtful to the person with cancer.
And of course, there are a lot of people who didn't really have a good relationship before, whether or not they realized or admitted it. For me, as it turns out, my daughter-in-law has apparently never liked me, though I really don't know why. My husband and I are very low-maintenance in-laws, in general! But she's not feelin' it, and my son is in the middle with an angry wife and a bewildered mother. Since he lives with the wife, that's who he needs to appease. Fortunately, our relationship with him has improved some since Christmas. And our relationship with her is close to non-existent right now, which maybe is fine since it's lower stress for everyone concerned. The bad part is we are barely getting to interact with our baby grandson.
So I think it is mixed. Some family members shut us out because of their own issues that have little to do with us. Some have fear and pain about our diagnoses and can't deal with it directly. And some just plain don't like us!
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