How to forgive family/friends who disappeared during cancer....
Comments
-
Hahahahaha...OMG..I Needed a laugh.
Thank you again for your great memes and have a Merry F'ing Holiday! : )
0 -
Marcella,
Have a Merry Healthy Christmas!
0 -
Merry Christmas to All!
0 -
I read this post this morning. Funny I fall into this scenario also. I am older 62 not really a close relationship to my mom 82 and not close to my sister who is younger but not by much. . When I called my sister and told her all she said was: Gosh you are the only one in the family that never gets sick, when I told her mastectomy, she said well your too old you don't need boobs. My mom not much comment. Saw them at Thanksgiving, surgery Dec 9th. My kids had let them know when I went to surgery and when I got out My sister sent one text and a plant, I called to thank her today is Christmas Eve, I have not heard from her or my mom since.
I am lucky to have 2 great kids, one great daugherinlaw, and numerous friends. My daughter lives out of state and came home for 10 days. My friends have come to my appointments, Post Op and will go with me next week for Medical Oncologist appointment. My son and daughter in law work and have 2 small kids, they are here for me.
My friends are my family Happy Holidays to you all.
0 -
0 -
This is for everyone who has shared their pain openly on this discussion board. We are an elite group who for some reason are having to deal with a life threatening illness. This is my second time around so I learned the last time about the disappointment with friends and family. I really believe there own FEAR is what causes people to say and do things that hurt us. Last time I tried to be light, cheerful and "help them" feel better about things. I can't do that this time around. One close friend, who has not fled the scene, told me to be selfish. Hard to do, but I am protecting myself this time by hugging my supporters close to me and anyone else who can't handle my personal health issue in a emotionally helpful way is not going to worry me. I don't have the energy to make others feel better about things as I did last time. And why should I? One poster wrote that she is leaving those people behind and making new friends. That sounds pretty darn emotionally intelligent to me. This is indeed a scary journey for all of us and frankly none of us need the added stress of trying to figure out what will make them feel better about this. Personally, I need people who will listen to me, laugh with me and at times I will need assistance. I already know who those people are in my life right now and I am sure I will pick up more people along the way. The people who cannot deal with this will never be able to understand and there is little point is trying to educate them or help them along in their emotional life. Denial is easier and that is ok, forgive and let go.
I feel like we should hand people cards that list the things that they should say or do OR say nothing at all. How can I help really is what we need to hear and as another poster pointed out, checking in weekly is very helpful to keep connections going. I don't want to discuss my treatments with you, just keep me in the loop on the real world that is going on so I feel connected still. But some people will never get this and we have to let it go or we wasted precious reserves on unnecessary things. I saw the bitterness some patients held on to on my last journey with this disease and it did not help them at all. I plan to keep my sense of humor and appreciation for the people that will help and let the other stuff pass me by.
Some things I have let go of that have helped me:
Expectations of help or contact from people who are not able to cope well. Do you really want them around anyway? No, of course not.
Things that people say and do:
"Are you over reacting a bit?" I am not an over reactor but if that helps them some how to think that, go for it. Just sent an email to a "friend" last night who said that and cleared up any misconceptions about the severity of my situation. If she can't deal with it, oh well. She has her own health issues with being morbidly obese and barely mobile. I understand her fears more than she knows. Forgiveness.
"3mm is HUGE cancer!!" Clearly it is not, but if this friend wants to over react that way in a public place to boot, that is her choice. I did laugh about it later and got a measuring tool to use to show other friends so that would not happen again. Forgiveness.
"I cried all the way to my boyfriends house after you told me." Gosh, sorry to ruin your day as this is all about you. Forgiveness.
"At least you don't have triple negative bc, that is the bad one." Well guess what, I do. Not sharing with you now though! Forgiveness.
I saved the best for last. My now ex-husband, "Who is going to take care of me when you die?" Not me!! Forgiveness. p.s. He went off to ruin some other poor woman's life with a very brief and volatile marriage. I call that karma.
On the happier side, there are so many people that have stepped up to the plate and have offered so much of themselves. I think this terrible disease is an opportunity for all of us to see the beauty, kindness and grace in people. Countless gestures of love have come my way. I plan to count my blessings and friendships and let go of the other stuff.
Thanks for sharing your emotional roller coaster ride all of you beautiful people and also for letting me vent and blow off some steam. Feels good to share and know that we are not alone in this.
Namaste'
0 -
Families! I like some of the advice in lovesgreenthings post.
Having written a joint email to my brothers and sisters shortly before Christmas as I couldn't take another one of them saying to me what a good thing it was to have lost my job as you don't want to be doing that anyway...
My contract with my employer is due to finish on the 31st December and I've spent the last year a virtual prisoner in my own home as I was in a dispute because they reneged on my back to work agreement after returning to work from having cancer. I invested heaps of time and money training to do my job as a teacher - which I love - and still have student loans to pay off. Yes, I worked very long hours and most weekends and it was really difficult - becasue I was committed to learning and being good at my job.
Having family members (6 of them) - who are well aware of the investment I made to my career - make patronising comments about - it was too much for you - you're better off out of there... following really difficult problems with cancer and surgeries and post surgery complications - is really maddening. I wanted to go back to work - was ready to do so - being stopped from doing so was really something else - a terrible blow. Not to mention the financial losses I've taken - I missed my transfer onto an upper pay-scale and promotions that I was definitely in line for if TNBC hadn't stepped in the way.
One sister messaged to lecture me on steps I should take with my employers and hadn't that been resolved, had she missed something? And another sent a single line to wish me a Happy Christmas. Other than that - nothing. And as for my recurrence scares this year on top of everything else - well that's me over-reacting and being paranoid.
As lovesgreenthings says helped her - I need to lose all expectations I have of them to ever be understanding (let alone offer any practical help) and count my blessings for those that are there for me.
Hope everyone has a brilliant New Year. I for one am looking forward to being able to start again - again.
Barbed.
0 -
I really liked your post lovesgreenthings. I give people, whether they are family or friends a couple of chances. It can be awkward and not many people know what to say, so putting their foot in their mouth at times is understandable.
That is different to being indifferent or mean spirited though. Then there are those who just seem to suck the life right out of you. I've told quite a few people to not let the door hit them on the a**e on the way out. I haven't given them a second thought or missed their crap since
Sometimes friendships just run their course, and just because someone is family, doesn't mean you have to like them, or put up with them.
0 -
My mother is staunchly opposed to anyone having reconstruction. Of course, she never lost her breasts to cancer, either. She always says she knew someone in the 1970s who got reconstruction AND DIED! (how she I always tells the story and she has told it at least 18 times) . As a result, I'm not going to tell her until about a week ahead. And she's going to flip when she hears that I'm going all the way to NOLA, about 600 miles (I'm flying. ) Unfortunately, she lives about 3 hrs from NOLA, so i will not be surprised if she shows up at the hospital. She will, of course, the hysterical because you know it's all about her.
0 -
My Mothet in Law asked me on Thanksgiving if I was finished with treatment.....explained again I'm on Herceptin and Perjeta for life.
Then she asked me again on Christmas Eve....and Christmas Day......maybe she is hoping for a different answer
0 -
mustlovepoodles, I would let her know after it's all done, and tell her she now has a new story to tell
Why is it that as soon as you tell someone you have cancer, the first thing they want to tell you is about the person they knew who died from it, and how horrible their death was. REALLY, you think that is helpful? or comforting?
Beatmon, suggesting she should get checked for dementia might shut her up. (I'm sounding meaner and meaner, my tolerance levels seem to be shrinking).
0 -
Freya, if I don't tell her about this very complicated and long surgery beforehand, she will never forgive me. She's 82, so I'm not looking for estrangement at this point. I know she is just really worried--in her day, breast cancer was hard to treat and often WAS a death sentence. It doesn't help that my cousin's wife just passed away from breast cancer at Thanksgiving, age 61 (I'm 60)--she was only diagnosed for 1 year, TN. I have tried to explain that her TN cancer was stage 4 when they found it, a totally different cancer than my stage 1 ER+ PR- Her2- breast cancer. She doesn't really understand that cancer is a different entity in each individual. I have to work hard to show her that I'm not going to die, too.
0 -
Freya,
I agree, we can be generous to give people a couple of chances and then if things are not better, they are robbing us of our happiness. The last time around I made "everyone" feel ok about my dx and worked hard to be positive and the poster child for early detection. Not feeling so much like making things easier for them this time around, it is time to be more selfish and stick with the people who will help me in any way that they can. A call, text, book loan, those all count. Inappropriate comments don't count as helping and that just means move on to the next person who is able to do something positive for me. I think it is just so sad that we are all feeling this disappointment but it is a valuable lesson in character.
I do know that I have seen some wonderful gestures towards me in the past month and that is what I am going to focus on now. One thing is for sure, we all have a right to feel hurt about this but we also know that holding on to that will not help. Kicking a few people to the curb will feel pretty darn good I think!! Thanks for sharing that Freya!!
Here is to a kick ass year ahead where we are able to rise above all of this and focus on what is really important. Our health and happiness.
Anne
0 -
0 -
A baby boy David was born to a certain family. The mum was so excited that she hardly put him down. One day she left him sleeping and went to the garden. When she was there, the house caught fire and she ran back home as first as possible to save her only son. People tried to stop her but they didnt succeed.
She went in and found the baby untouched. Unfotunately her hair caught fire as she was going out and she started burning. It was very bad for the rest of her life because she had to live with a scar. The boy grew up and became very rich and shifted to town. But in the real sense, he was ashamed of his mother's scars. When people asked him, he would say, "l dont have someone so ugly in our family as my mother". One day his mum overheard how his son was telling people and she was very disappointed.
she decided to travel to town to explain to his only son what had happened and the reason behind her ugliness. But unfortunately, the bus she was traveling with, got an accident and the mum died instantly. The boy heard of the news, and felt very happy. He then rushed to the village and found people sad. He just passed them and went direct to her mothers room to search for important documents.
He was shocked to find her Mom's oldest DIARY BOOK written, DATE: 5th Sept 1980. I was announced the WINNER MISS TORONTO BEAUTY CONTEST. DATE: 14th Jan 1982. My husband Tonny Gates on passed away in road accident and left me six months pregnant. DATE: 2nd July 1983. I saved my only son David from a fire and I ended up loosing my hair while scars left on my face. David felt too bad and started crying, but it was TOO LATE! TOO LATE!
PLEASE NOTE:
Never try to Abuse or Ignore you Parents. They are a blessing to us and you will cry when they are gone. Now, U have two thing to choose.
1. To SHARE this story to friends.
OR
2. IGNORE as nothing has happened. God is watching you.Say "I LOVE YOU MOM" if you truely love her...
0 -
Good morning How to Forgive People!!
I wanted to update on this board about some of the people who disappeared initially to give others a bit of hope and maybe a helping hand towards peace - one friend claimed she "did not get the email I sent" and I am going to allow her that "out" as she is genuinely on board with me now. Who knows, she may have hit delete on the email by accident. Whatever is a useful word. I think it took her some time to get over her own fears and with some time passing my hurt is now gone and I am glad for her friendship again.
The other friend who "blamed me" for getting bc again is still trying to figure things out for herself but who cares, there are plenty of other people there and when I see her I will be as peppy as possible and not share much at all. Empathy is not her skill set, oh well. No time to make her feel better about things, just not going to happen.
Lastly, one of my closest friends keeps making everything Doom and Gloom. I had a lumpectomy last Monday and really feel great. She keeps emailing me, "You must feel TERRIBLE. You must be like on deaths door after that type of surgery." And so on. I am going to let her believe what she wants to believe, who am I to be positive and pain free? She is a drama queen, looking for the worst possible scenario and clearly enjoys that. I can only imagine what she is telling people. I giggle writing that. Yes, a sense of humor is important!!
I think what we are seeing is the BEST in people and the WORST as well. This really shows each individual for who they are, their fears and their ability to step up and say "I am with you, what do you need?" And there are plenty of friends who have been able to do that. Good karma for them and a lifetime of love and assistance from me should they ever need it.
Wishing all of you going through the emotional roller coaster ride some peace today. I wanted to share my peace with all of you so you know it is possible to get there at some point.
Anne
p.s. I have decided not to share my diagnosis with anyone else at this point, just the few chosen so far. That has helped tremendously so that I don't have to talk about it anymore than I have to. Not denial, self preservation and a nice break from reality. Hurray for all the warriors on these boards!!
0 -
I too did not share info with many people as I wanted to live a more normal life........and not be asked about cáncer everywhere i go.....
0 -
Lily55, it really does make a difference in our interactions with others, doesn't it? Not denial, but self-preservation. Hope you have a great week!!
0 -
Definitely not denial, but self protection......
0 -
Lovesgreenthings-Thank you so much for your posts. Especially the one about Forgiveness. I really need to take that word to heart.I was abandoned by my best friend of 31 years 2 weeks after my first chemo treatment. She and I were more like sisters than friends. People in the town where we live actually thought we were sisters. We live 2 blocks away from each other.
My hair had started falling out and I couldn't handle the hair everywhere. I had decided that I was going to have a head shaving party when my hair starting its mass exodus. I had called my friends to come over and get shit done. I knew it was going to be difficult but I had to do it. I knew I needed the support of my friends and family. When I called B she told me she couldn't come over. That it was too hard for her and she was scared of breaking down in front of others. Uhm....it isn't really about you but whatever. I told her I understood but that I really needed her support. She couldn't do it so I accepted it and went ahead with my party without her. Drank my wine, cried my tears and was supported by those around me. It was full of laughter and tears.
I had expected that she would contact me the next day to check on me. Nothing.....So after about a week I sent her a message telling her that I missed her and I was still the same person with or without hair. That I needed her in my life. Finally about a week later I got a response from her that she just couldn't handle it. It was once again too hard for her. I was very sad and hurt by this.
I ended up being hospitalized during my chemo treatments. She had heard about this from one of our mutual friends. She had messaged me at that point and had wanted to come see me. I was at my lowest point physically and didn't have enough energy to deal with her. I could barely function myself and was totally beat and weak. I didn't even acknowledge the message at that point. I just couldn't do it.
Fast forward to 8 months later. My daughter and her son were due to graduate. I was stressing at the thought of the grad being the first time I had seen her in 9 months. I wanted the day to be about my daughter. That day was also the 1 yr anniv of my BMX. So an emotinally filled day for me. I had asked to meet up with her prior to their grad. She agreed to come over. It was very uncomfortable but I let her lead the conversation. I didn't want to start attacking her and make it a conflict. I arranged the meeting from a place of love and kindness. I wanted to deal with the issue and move on. The conversation was tough, I tried to explain to her that the whole situation wasn't about her but was about me. I had needed her and she wasn't there for me. At that point she told me that she wished that she could say she was sorry for what she did to me but she couldn't. That if the same thing happened tomorrow she would do the exact same thing. She has too many unresolved issues in her own life and she felt dealing with me and my cancer would stir up too many things for her. She knows that she needs therapy to deal with issues from her past. She is scared once she starts dealing with these things that she will have a nervous breakdown. So it was easier for her to walk away from me than deal with her own unresolved issues. She hugged me and told me that she loved me like a sister and that if I ever needed anything to give her a call. I almost laughed in her face. I had needed her and she couldn't be there. So our friendship was over.
In looking at the situation it really was a good thing that this happened. As hard as it was, I have to look for the good. In her leaving my life it allowed me to open my heart to others and allow them to be there for me in a way that I probably wouldn't have. I had a great circle of friends that rallied around me and took care of me and my family. I also made a new best friend who has been amazing and loves me unconditionally. So why is this still affecting me so much????
So now fast forward 8 more months. We ran into them at a sporting event. She pretended like she didn't see us. Her husband did say hi as they walked by. It brought all of this crap up again. It is like a circle that just keeps going around. She hurt me to the core. At my yoga practice on Monday I set my intention to "Let it go". I can't change what happened. I can only change how I react to the situation. I need to forgive her and move on as I am bigger than this whole situation. Send her love.
Thank you Lovesgreenthings for the reminder.....Forgiveness......Namaste
Sorry for the long post. But I had to get it out and let it go.
0 -
Thank you for your post, DeeRatz. I SO get it. I'm going to have to occasionally see my sister for the rest of my life and I know my experience with her will be the same as your experience with your friend. I'd rather be me than her, though. She has to live with what she has done for the rest of her life. Whether she wants to acknowledge what she has done or not, knowing what kind of person she is has to eat at her.
My dad came to visit me the other day and said "Annie's mad at me because I forgot her birthday. You didn't remind me that it was her birthday. You know I can't remember birthdays." I felt bad for him and I can not believe she has the nerve, not only to be mad about it, but to lay a guilt trip on him. I said "Sorry, Dad. I never forgot her birthday before but this year it honestly never even crossed my mind." It really didn't. She's just not a part of me anymore. I feel like she never actually was.
0 -
She needs to grow up and open her eyes your Dad is getting older he is going to forget. She is lucky he is still living. Also that she still has a sister.
0 -
My best friend of 35 years has abandoned me as well. She actually started last summer when my daughter (24) was diagnosed with renal artery stenosis after being put in the hospital for BP of 220/150 and my husband lost his job the same day. I was hurt by her complete lack of support after I have supported her a WHOLE lot even when I didn't agree with what she was doing. So now that I have cancer, she has completely disappeared after she sent me a text saying "This too shall pass, we're here for you". REALLY WHERE? I received a TEXT on my 50th bday which we have talked about celebrating together for years (we are a month apart). I also received the news that my lymph nodes were clear on my bday and still just got the one text! I have had complications from the LNB and developed a seroma that had to be drained 3x and now they put in a drain for me to wear for a week and she doesn't even know about it. She did text me last week to invite me to her bday celebration in Savannah....Hope you can make it! NOT! I've also decided to have the BMX & she doesn't know that either. Then Thursday we found out that my daughter has fibromuscular dysplasia, which they found in July when they did her angioplasty and Nobody ever told us!! At a time when I need the most support, she has kicked me to the curb and I don't think I'll ever get over that.
0 -
My best friend of 35 years has abandoned me as well. She actually started last summer when my daughter (24) was diagnosed with renal artery stenosis after being put in the hospital for BP of 220/150 and my husband lost his job the same day. I was hurt by her complete lack of support after I have supported her a WHOLE lot even when I didn't agree with what she was doing. So now that I have cancer, she has completely disappeared after she sent me a text saying "This too shall pass, we're here for you". REALLY WHERE? I received a TEXT on my 50th bday which we have talked about celebrating together for years (we are a month apart). I also received the news that my lymph nodes were clear on my bday and still just got the one text! I have had complications from the LNB and developed a seroma that had to be drained 3x and now they put in a drain for me to wear for a week and she doesn't even know about it. She did text me last week to invite me to her bday celebration in Savannah....Hope you can make it! NOT! I've also decided to have the BMX & she doesn't know that either. Then Thursday we found out that my daughter has fibromuscular dysplasia, which they found in July when they did her angioplasty and Nobody ever told us!! At a time when I need the most support, she has kicked me to the curb and I don't think I'll ever get over that.
0 -
tapwhite, she could feel guilty. I know it might not make you feel better but you are going through a terrible time some people can find it overwhelming that you are going through so much. She is communicating and did invite you to her birthday.
0 -
Tapwhite - I have fibromuscular dysplasia too............my last angioplasties in my remaining kidney were 10 years ago so if they get them right they can last a good few years....................
0 -
I need a place to vent about my brother. I've been keeping this bottled up and I just want to get it "out there". Even though I don't want to admit his behavior affects me, I'm finding it does.
I'm from a close family where in general we all support each other and stay in touch. When I was diagnosed two years ago my brother showed concern and support along with the rest of my family. But after a couple weeks, when I was ready for surgery and support was strongest, he cooled toward me and made the comment "You really enjoy having breast cancer, don't you?" I was surprised and hurt but just said "Not really." and let it go. Pretty soon he stopped communicating with me totally -- by phone, e-mail, etc. I knew he had a busy summer, so I just assumed he wasn't in communication with any of us. Apparently though it was just me and he was telling people that I was a "hypochondriac" and "making a big deal out of nothing for attention." Eventually we started communicating again, but I noticed he would be abrupt and cool with me. If I brought up anything related to my health, he would change the subject. Then I noticed whenever I would mention liking something -- a movie, a book, a tv show -- he would go into a long speech about how much he HATED whatever it was I liked and explain why someone who liked those things was stupid. Eventually I "got it" and realized that I wasn't paranoid. For whatever reason, he was angry with me and all I can think that I did "wrong" was to get breast cancer! I finally confronted him a couple months ago asking him why was he as angry with me. He told me I'm always looking for sympathy and attention and he's sick of it. He said my breast cancer was "nothing", but that I made such a big deal out of it. I told him I don't need his judgment and he hung up on me. We haven't spoken since.
True to form, my other family members, who I dearly love, have put their blinders on and ignore that my brother and I are no longer talking. It's the tradition in my family to pretend everything is hunky dory when it's not. My brother has always been the "smart" and "successful" one, so I'm guessing over time I'll be blamed for this rift (which of course, doesn't exists right now, right?).
There's a part of me that feels guilty for ever sharing my cancer diagnosis. Maybe I should have just kept it hidden from everyone? Maybe I did come across as wanting attention?
The irony in all this is that my brother tends to be a hypochondriac, IMO. He's always having a sore back, sore finger, or the worst flu mankind has ever experienced, etc. I guess my cancer made his sore thumb look silly, and now he's angry. Whatever!
Thanks for listening. It helped me to write it out.
0 -
Hopeandlove, I too have experienced loved ones turning their backs on me, that is incredibly hurtful and unfair. But your story reminded me of something. I'm a nanny of two kids, a boy and a girl, the boy is two years older. Two years ago he broke his foot and as a result he a lot of attention and people doing extra for him. She immediately got very upset and said she wanted to break her foot too. She was very angry and nasty to everyone. She was simply jealous. She couldn't take someone else getting attention. I think your brother is insecure and jealous of you. He is acting like a child instead of being the person he portrays himself to be. I'm so sorry you are going through this. My advice for what it's worth, let it be his problem. You need to take care of yourself. I know it's easier said than done, but you need to do what's right for you. I wish you luck.
0 -
Thank you for your kind words, MeToo14. My situation with my brother does sound a lot like the two kids you're taking care of, and we're in our late 50s, LOL. I guess we get all older, but some people never mature. I appreciated hearing that story!
I remember years ago my mother made the statement that my brother resented me. I didn't take her comment seriously, but now I realize she was right. You're right that it's his issue and he needs to deal with it. I'm not going to worry about his feelings -- he sure didn't consider mine with his words and actions.
I'm sorry you also have experience with loved ones turning their backs when you needed them. It is a very hurtful thing.
I wish you all the best too.
0 -
Well, I hope your brother doesn't have to experience anything like cancer. I would delete him from my life and move on.
0
