How to forgive family/friends who disappeared during cancer....
Comments
-
hi ladies.. I have been in this place many times.. I only have 1 sister that is 2 1/2 yrs younger than myself.. & no, we were never really close..but... I would have thought a phone call ,,just to say how are U doing after my mastectomy... that was just 5 yrs ago.. Nope..no call..no email nothing!! I also am a survivor of 2 other cancers..none related to breast cancer.. one time awhile back we did speak on the phone.and she said..OMG HOW DID U GET ALL OF THESE THINGS WRONG WITH U?? My answer to her was"I guess I was the "lucky daughter" of my parents..& that is not all..My only grown up son and his wife also abandoned me about 3 yrs ago..no contact at all..plus I am not allowed to even speak to my 2 beautiful grand kids.. WHY ?? because I fell 3 yrs ago and had a very bad traumatic hip fracture.. had multiple surgeries for it..and still not right.. I walk with a walker..and pain every day..thank God for my boyfriend of 30 yr.s he has been here for me thru all of this..and excepted my breast cancer & reconstruction from the get go. well my heart aches every day..from all of this abandonment from my little family.. but I do believe in KARMA.. it works in strange ways... take care my breast cancer friends..I am here for U..anytime.. ~Hopedreams..xox
0 -
Hi Everyone - this is my first time posting since I was diagnosed in December 2014 but I have received a lot of comfort from this forum during my middle of the night, insomnia inspired google sessions. So, I had 18 rounds of chemo, double mastectomy, reconstruction, 4 surgeries, yes bald and I seem to have a good prognosis 18 months later. About this topic, I feel so sad that this shitty experience is so commonplace. I can relate to most of the comments about friends and family members but there's something that I'm so mad about that I haven't seen addressed. It's when the PTA Group (or card playing group or tennis playing group or church group...fill in the blank here) blows you off when it's your turn to have cancer. I dropped off dinners, carpooled kids and all that when others were in this situation. And now I feel like I lost a popularity contest because people I have known for years (even though not my close friends) have literally ignored the fact that I had cancer...not all of them but a good number. In fairness, our kids are no longer school age and my kids were in college when I was diagnosed, but we're all still in the same neighborhood. I see this group throwing moving away parties and making big fucking deals about other things. I suppose it's obvious these people were never my friends but it's difficult to see people in your life ignore you or turn their back on you during such a difficult time. I really need to move on...but as far as I can get towards "forgive and forget" is "Forgive but FUCK YOU". And if I'm being honest with myself I'm not even very sincere about the "forgive" part. The other issue is the people who sent a text every 6 months and think they were "there for me" are now hitting me up for favors (business related, helping their kids get internships...one woman hired my assistant away from me). I'm trying not to be bitter..I'm trying to channel my energy towards helping others...but if I can be totally honest, I wish some of these people would get diagnosed so they see how it feels. I'm not proud of that but that is how I feel. Seashell49, I'm so with you....and many of you other ladies. Help.
0 -
I have had a recurrence with mets to the bone, so Stage 4. My first bout with cancer, 11 years ago, I didn't feel anyone abandoned me. But this time….I have a niece who lives 10 minutes from my house and hasn't even bothered to text me once. My husbands nephew and niece, with whom we have been rather close to, in past years, have not bothered to contact me. It's so easy today, with social media and texting. One doesn't have to actually speak to another. But nothing from them. How many ways can I say, FUCK them? I want nothing to do with them. I need to worry about myself and how I'm going to deal with this diagnosis. Thank the gods for my husband and kids and my sister….
0 -
Judy, I can't believe (like you) my aunt MY God mother nothing no email no anything. She doesn't even ask my mom how I am. My mother thinks my aunt doesn't believe I have cancer. I wish I didn't have it.
0 -
Meow13, I'm so sorry. Sometimes I believe, that people, at least women, are so freaked out about breast cancer, that they want no part of it, even when a family member is affected. I find that excuse, however, to be rather lame. Stuff happens to all of us. Am I wrong or being uncaring to feel this way?
0 -
Judy KRN, I'm very sorry to read of your recurrence and sending caring thoughts your way for healing.
I agree with you that women are fearful and want no part of it. I remember once being so afraid, that I wouldn't even buy a product that had that blasted pink ribbon on it as a Susan Komen promo. And then I got diagnosed....
I also agree that it's lame to avoid us as patients if they care about us. I've written here about being pretty much left to this on my own even with a sister and her family within walking distance and a mother 10 minutes away. I've managed all on my own, taking cabs to my surgeries and will drive myself to my upcoming 6 weeks of radiation. its been easier since I decided to view them as just some not very capable adults rather than viewing them as my mom or sister--they aren't acting like what a good mother or sister would act like.
I thank God for sending me wonderful, caring doctors.
Focus on who you have for support and the rest can F themselves... : )
0 -
Yes, I have to say that 1 of my 3 sisters has not called me once since my Dx, the 2nd one called once and we chatted for maybe 3 minutes when she suddenly says "My friend is at the front door". The 3rd one has bee a doll but I still try and avoid talking too much about how I am an emotional basket case some days. My best friend texted me that she "loves me" about 3 months ago but no more coffee chats or shopping together in the almost one year since Dx. Baby, I get your wish of "them" being diagnosed. We just feel so isolated and misunderstood with this disease, you just want these people to "get it". I have daydreamed at times about confronting a few to blast them with a few choice words. But then I would probably be labeled as crazy as well! LOL!
0 -
Marcella, I'm sorry you get no support from your family. Are these people all in denial. for crying out loud? I'm lucky to have a husband, kids and a sister who are supportive. I haven't even told my 92 year old narcissistic mother about my recurrence. She treated me horribly the first time.I'm glad we have support on this site, as well….
0 -
Hi Judy KRN:
Thanks for your support.
I've been doing pretty good the past month while I waited for my incision to heal before rads. I limited my time with my sister and her family and saw my mom less. I'm determined to get through this but today threw me a little again.
I had my radiation simulation this morning and when I got home, things got weird. I called my mom asking her if she wanted to meet me for coffee. She is usually the one calling me for company so I assumed she would welcome it. No...she acted odd on the phone and complained about feeling tired. I went by myself and when I got home she called all upset and crying, whining that she was a bad mother and felt horrible and guilty. Apparently she is fearful of getting near me now that I was exposed to radiation (from the scan today...not even the treatment dose yet). She won't be seeing me for 6 weeks I guess and probably longer since she'll think she's being exposed to radiation by sitting anywhere near me. I know she suffers from anxiety but this is really off the charts hurtful. It's just heartbreaking.
To think I moved here to help her when she wasn't well and when I get sick, I'm an outcast. Plus she wants to cry about her guilt to me.
Maybe I should take this as a nice rest from in person contact and limit the phone calls too.
How crazy is this...sigh
Hope you're doing better and thanks for listening...
Marcella
0 -
Oh MarcellaPa,
What a horrible thing for your mother to say, not to mention how ignorant it is!
This is from the Memorial Slan Kettering Cancer Center site:
"External-beam therapy does not make a person radioactive in any way. The therapy only affects your cells for the very short time that you are receiving treatment. A person who has received external-beam radiation is unable to contaminate or transfer that radiation to any other person."
0 -
Thank you Janet for your support and the great excerpt from the MSKCC site.
My mother has an anxiety disorder (untreated) and also is very narcissistic. It hurt tremendously to think I'd be left alone here without any lunches/dinners, etc during the next couple of months. I'm not from here as I said in my post, but here originally to help her, so I don't have friends locally. This is especially had because I'm transitioning to the new radiation oncologist from my BS who was incredibly supportive. I can't do anything about it but I'm determined to keep my cool and complete my course of treatment. Maybe its best I don't see her.
I appreciate your response so much...
Marcella
0 -
You're welcome MarcellaPa, and I wish I could bring you some meals
0 -
Geez, Marcella! That's is AWFUL! I don't know how she could think she could be affected by your radiation! Imagine all the people walking around who may have just finished a rad treatment! Wonder how many of these folks she runs into just going about her daily routine. I am sorry for this but i can relate. That's why I haven't told my mother yet....
0 -
Thanks for commiserating, Judy. It is awful and it hurts. As one of my friends said, "Does she use a microwave or cell phone? Then she is getting radiation." I think I really can't take this personally and chock it up to her severe anxiety disorder. When my dad was terminal and his Type 2 diabetes required insulin. She wouldn't allow a visiting nurse in the house to check his blood level because she convinced herself she might be exposed to bloodborne illness like HIV. He ended up in a nursing home instead of being able to live his days out at home. At least I can sidestep her involvement in my care and distance myself from her since she is fearful of being near me. This just might be a gift. I should tell her the radiation lingers in my system indefinitely.haha
And Janet...thank you so much for your words and concern over my meals but I'm fine to cook and grocery shop and go out to eat. It was just that my mom was meeting me for lunch and dinner a few times a week which was nice company since I'm not from here and don't know anyone aside from my doctors. It's time to make some friends.
I hope you are both doing well and know that I appreciate your support.
Marcella
0 -
The past couple of weeks have been hard for me for some reason! My family has been wonderful, almost too wonderful, so they aren't the problem. I have just really been feeling left out with my group of friends. We had a fabulous time shopping for wigs and they have brought dinner a few times. A couple of weeks ago when "Bad Moms" came out, several of my girlfriends went to see it as part of their bunco group (I am not in the bunco group but know half of the women in the group). I realize it was a bunco get together but for some reason it just hit me the wrong way. I started chemo in April and at the beginning I was hearing from my friends through text and Facebook...but I have noticed that as time has gone on I hear less and less from them. I am scheduled for surgery and reconstruction on August 23. I think part of it has been my fault because I sort of self-isolated myself partly because chemo made me feel like crap and probably because I was having a little bit of a pity party. I also think summer may have played a role in it because of vacations and such. I just feel like I don't have anyone to talk to...I was diagnosed a month after I started a new job, so no real relationships there...my closest co-worker at my old job has pretty much ignored me (that hurt), our family didn't get to take a family vacation this year so I am down about that! Let's see what else I can complain about!! LOL! I'm not looking for advice but just needing to vent!!
0 -
Hi TRB,
I know you want to vent and don't need advice so I won't tell you to write in a journal or whatever people advise : )
Venting is good and completely justified. It sucks to miss a movie outing or a summer vacation. This disease is isolating in itself because of the fear it engenders in women. I think most women cringe inwardly when they come close to breast cancer--the best of them forge ahead and stand by us, the worst of them hide under their bed with lame excuses or complete disappearances.
Similar to you, people have been progressively less attentive since I was diagnosed. They fell off gradually--less calls, less texts, less everything. After getting a few "keep me posted"'s and "take care"'s, I decided these slackers were not who I wanted to know going forward. I don't expect constant attention but c'mon...how much energy does it take to text someone every other week or so?
I decided to block few of the worst offenders who I know will be coming around when their job or spouse/boyfriend or health is a concern and they want MY support. If anything, this disease helps one prioritize one's health and that means surrounding yourself with people who are caring and supportive. Anything less is unacceptable.
So vent as much as you need--we can take it!
Marcella
0 -
I wish my family would disappear!
Just got a call from the nursing home Mom lives in. There will be a balance due on her last 3 months there. Got a sister in adult assisted living we need to take supplies to, and a father who's pretty much helpless (92 years old). I have cancer. Dammit - When is it MY turn to get help? Or just - please, everybody, figure your own shit out, and let me deal with mine.
0 -
Boy, I think it is a common occurrence that people just drop off and disappear. My previous best friend, whom I used to talk with every Saturday AT LEAST, thinks it is now OK to text me every six months with some casual remark. But forget about her ever calling to inquire about my health, mentally, emotionally or physically. Forget about shopping together, drinking wine or coffee at each others house like we used to. It has been extremely hurtful and difficult but I am finally past it and now want nothing to do with her.
Then last weekend I sort of wigged out because my Dh and I went to spend the weekend at a beach house with my two sisters and their families. Everyone was taking a bunch of pictures, "oh this family together, now all the guys together". Then suddenly one sister says "Oh a sister picture!" And she and the other sister pose with each other for a selfie while I sat there watching. I know I was in a funk anyway, but not one person asked me to jump in or just took my damn picture. It was just weird, I felt weird and I got all pissy. Then I felt embarrassed for being over sensitive....
I have also been left out of all kinds of "girlfriend" get togethers lately as well. I feel pretty fine and go out on my own. But they feel awkward now. it's a strange world I live in....OK Vent over!
Ninetwelve, You need a break from all of that for sure. Is their another sibling, aunt, friend who could share the load? We all need to feel cared for and nurtured during this horrid time. I feel so bad for complaining when I have the support of my Dh and some of you have way worse problems than me.....
0 -
I've learned a lot about family and friends (and myself) since I was diagnosed in 2010. For the most part, I have learned that they just don't get it if it hasn't happened to them. It's typically not because they don't care, and sometimes (I said "sometimes") they really do want to help, but don't know what to do. That's when it's up to you to call so and so and say "when you go to the store next, could you pick up X for me" or "would you arrange for our friends to bring my family dinner X times a week", "could you come by and just spend some time with me?" etc. etc. It is just plain hard to ask for any help, but you might be surprised if you do. I had my feelings hurt deeply about this cancer thing by well meaning friends or family. They did not live up to my expectations. Now, 6 years later, I've finally learned at thing or two. After treatments were over (I had both breast and uterine cancer at the same time), I was always in fear of upcoming doctor appointments. For them, treatment was over, so cancer was over and I should just suck it up. It wasn't over for me. Now (6 years later), I seldom think about MY cancers, but I make really good efforts to be around for anyone who is in need. I've learned to turn the other cheek and I've learned to not be around negative people or people who do not want to hear about things that I am either concerned about or am interested in. It has been really hard for me, but being yelled at because someone was "sick of hearing about it" or being ignored just plain hurts and it is not how I want to be. My hair did not return after chemotherapy and it really still bothers me. Just a few weeks ago someone said "when are you going to get over it?" I'm not. I'm ok in my wigs, but at the end of the day, I look like a side show freak. My relationships are simply different now. My family is my family and they are who they are - family and I accept them for who they are. My immediate family (husband, adult children) were and still are great. Those others - quite a mixed bag. Friendships have changed significantly for me. Two women who I considered my best friends prior to cancer, I keep as friends because of our long history, but we are not nearly as close as we used to be. I chalk it up to different interests - they like to gamble, I don't; I like to sew and knit, they don't. We do see each other (went to lunch for our birthdays a few weeks ago) but not like we used to. I keep my distance because of what I consider extremely nasty comments and I guard what I share with them. They can't take back what they said (nor would they) and I can't forget it. I'm very close to my oldest friend (since we were 4), but guess what? She's had kidney cancer. She gets it! And we have very similar interests and like to do many of the same things. I've met and maintained good friendships with some breast cancer and uterine cancer survivors via a group I volunteer for. They sew and knit! One of those friends now is Stage IV and not doing well. We get together at least once a week to knit and we even went to one of her chemo treatments and knitted together. She loved our company. Life does change after cancer and I like who I am and how I behave toward people now vs. how I might have dismissed someone else's feelings previously. And yes, I might have been one of those people who say "you'll be fine"! That is so dismissive and I hate to think I might have said that, but I bet I did.
I found the best thing for me was finding an online support group. Someone was always there and there was typically someone who was experiencing or had experienced what I was experiencing and could offer the support I needed. Good luck to you all. It is a tough road and one we should not travel alone.
0 -
Double, You have some very good points. I too have learned a lot about myself and other people. It is very difficult to know what to say to someone with a serious illness. I probably was one to say "you'll be fine". I don't ask very often for people to go out with me because I am afraid of putting them on the spot. However, I have pushed myself lately to make a few girlfriend "dates" and it did work out well. The best time did happen to be with a cancer survivor as she totally gets it. It's a fine balancing act to feel like I am still part of life as I am slowly losing it.
0 -
Hi All:
I'm needing a place to vent and since this is where everyone "gets it" here I go.
I've mentioned my lack of support among my family members. Without going over everything again, the short story is that I moved out of state to help my 83 year old mom who had health issues. My sister and her family live nearby. I thought it was a good idea to perhaps spend time with my mom in her remaining years and also forge a relationship with my sister who has had a history of being difficult. Cutting to the chase--I had a difficult first year of family stress here--my mom fell twice with associated injuries; my sister was often verbally abusive and/or passive-aggressive and then after all that-- I was diagnosed with BC!!!
I had 5 surgeries and 30 radiation treatments and now I've been on anastraozole for a few weeks. Thank God, I'm doing well.
Here's where I've had issues--my family stepped away for the most part. My sister responded to my request to bring my mom to the hospital for my first surgery by responding with, "well if I don't have an audition". (she does small parts in community theater with no pay).
Neither her or her husband work and both have ample resources, good health and vehicles. They simply paid lip service to my illness by a quick , "Call us if you need anything" and then left town for vacations and short trips. I took cabs to my surgeries to the hospital and back and did everything else for myself when I was home recovering. Fast forward to my radiation treatment--my mom is fearful of radiation so she refused to see me even for coffee for 11 weeks, in case there was a chance she might get contaminated. My sister texted me after the first 4 weeks of rads and asked if I wanted to meet her for coffee. I wasn't really in the mood. She promptly told my mom she offered and I said no.
I made the decision that I would stay in this area to be here for my mother and to be closer to the doctors on my treatment team for the first few years of being monitored. I also decided that given my sister's lack of support, I don't need to be socializing with her and her family.
I just want to be left alone to get my strength back and make plans for the rest of my life. Being a single, middle aged woman with no kids, I'm very worried about the future now that I know I have virtually no family support for the next go round. And even if its not a recurrence, it will be something I may need support with. Everyone does. So I think its reasonable to not meet for dinner, lunch, coffee etc. with my sister given how I've been treated. The problem is my mother. She calls and asks me if I'll join her and my sister's family for a Sunday dinner or breakfast. This is not once every few months, its every week they get together. She also is very let down I wont want to go to my sister's home for the holidays. She tells me I need to "get past this" and that I need to overlook what happened. I'm not one to hold a grudge but these are not people I want to spend my precious time on---and now we all know just how precious time really is.
I want a polite distance--christmas cards, etc. Am I wrong? The stress of being pressured to accept such bad treatment can't be healthy.
Thanks for letting me spill on this
Marcella
0 -
Marcella - no you are not wrong and I totally understand how you feel as I lacked a lot of emotional support and am now on my own completely.....but compromise is what keeps families together......could you maybe go just once a month and say ok I will come for sure every last Sunday of the month or whichever one in the month suits you? 3 hours a month for a meal is not a lot to keep lines open......and just stay on safe, even if boring, topics.......?
0 -
Thanks, Lily for responding and providing a very reasonable suggestion.
I see my mom a couple times a week now that I'm done with radiation and talk to her on the phone daily.
I'm not avoiding her because after all she is elderly and has a health condition. She is the reason I moved here
It's my sister who has had no redeeming qualities in all of this
We compromise for family because we love them and also for our survival.
My sister demonstrated that she will not be there and I am not a priority. Case closed. I know after my mom is gone, my sister and her family will maintain a "Christmas card relationship"--something she said she has with her husband's siblings.
I'll do my best to be civil if forced to interact but.I think some behavior can't be forgiven--especially when no one has apologized or tried to make amends.
Now that I'm through the bulk of treatment, I'll need to get out and make friends here---friends that are caring. Sometimes friends are more supportive than family.
I hope you're doing well, Lily.
0 -
I get it. I was very surprised that the people I *thought* would have my back, didn't. and the ones I didn't know that well, did. My kids were great. They're 30 and 23. They pitched in and helped with practical things, like cooking dinner, working in the yard, cleaning gutters, and baby-sitting Mom once in a while, LOL. I have 4 siblings, one of whom has had BS & uterine cancer, and another who has had just uterine cancer. My brother took it the hardest--called me up, crying hard "You can't die! I can't live without you!" After my initial announcement, I heard from each of them exactly *once*. My mother is 82 and rather ditzy. She's fully in her right mind, but has severe ADHD so she is very easily distracted. Why call your daughter who is enduring chemo when there's Solitaire calling to you on your computer, right? We all live far apart all over the US, so it's not like we see each other or call each other all the time, but still...cancer, you know?
However, my Sunday School class absolutely took me and DH on as a project, LOL. I mean, they called, texted, and emailed. We're newish to the class, so it's not like we had long, enduring friendships there; we do now! They provided meals 2-3 times a week for 5 MONTHS, all the way through chemo and my BMX. They continue to support and uplift us (DH was diagnosed with prostate cancer and had surgery this summer--oy! If not for bad luck, we'd have no luck at all)
I've decided to give my family a pass. They just don't understand and probably are a little scared (or in brother's case, a lot scared.) They're afraid to ask, because they may not want to hear bad news. So, I bring up my health from time to time, to let them know I'm okay. They seem to be more receptive when I communicate via text. And really, they *are* concerned; they just don't know how to express it. (And we had a cousin die this a.m. from TNBC, so that has heightened everyone's anxiety--they won't say it, but I'm sure they're worried that maybe I'll up and die too. )
0 -
MarcellaPa - I have someone in my life who I feel towards like you feel towards your sister. When I have to deal with this person I try to be "light and polite." This has been very helpful. When around people like this, I focus on being distant, never telling them anything important. I'm polite, in a mild mannered way. I've learned not to start conversations or attempt to engage in conversation, but if one of these people manages to talk to me, I politely reveal nothing. I am totally bland. (On the surface, anyway - haha.) This has helped me navigate through some social situations without making anything worse and allowing me to feel I have not backed down.
0 -
How to forgive loved ones who deserted me while having cancer. Hmmm...
I'll send them the nicest cakes on their birthdays, laced with poison and poop. Ok, not poison, just the best laxatives in town.
If they eat, then, All is forgiven! Amen.
LOL
0 -
0 -
Oh my God...hahaha. I spit out my diet pepsi when I read your post! The nicest cakes...lolol
I needed a laugh...THANK YOU!!! : )
0 -
Blinkie....the "light and polite" approach sounds do-able and exactly what I need to do--not engaging, not negative or positive--not present.
Why would I present my authentic self to someone who doesn't deserve my presence?
Thank you for reading my post and thank you for reaching out to try to help.
xoxoxox
Marcella
0 -
Mustlovepoodles:
You DO get it and I'm thankful to hear your story.
I'm glad you hadyour kids and the sunday school people--how wonderful and supportive.
I think if I had been home instead of a strange city, I might have had more support but I wasn't really up to joining clubs, churches or groups when this diagnosis was made. I have to force myself to do that now so I can be involved in something bigger then my own concerns.
It's very generous of you to give your family a pass. It's also very intuitive to understand that fear plays a huge role when people avoid those of us who are dealing with an illness. I know my mom was petrified and even though my sister acts uncaring and cold...she may also feel inadequate and frightened. I feel so much better hearing from you and the rest of the kind women here. It helps to think about this in different ways.
xoxox
Marcella
0
