How to forgive family/friends who disappeared during cancer....
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B"H
MarcellaPa hi/// been thinking of your story for two days already..... sending you BIG HUGS.... really.... i so get it.... been soooo hurt by people who claimed were myt "best friends" .... no point into going into the details, suffice to say there were definately points in time when the emotional pain caused by people "closest to me" (who still have no idea that i do not feel that they haven't neen absolutely perfect.....) seemed a great deal worse and painful then the DX and treatments....
yesterday I had a "new" level of this pain.... it is true people can also act weird out of fear, but we aren't stupid and we can feel what is real and what is not.... so i was feeling REALLY low...
but suddenly I began to relook at it all... and to feel okay, it has been painful and these people who in many ways were my life are now out of my life (even if I don't have the courage to do or say anymore than be a bit indifferent to them in future) ... but still... then its please G-d my new beginning... this is a chance even though i am far from young to just begin with new things and new directions and new friends and to strengthen relationships and dreams that have proven to be TRUE....
and thismorning I read all you have writyten again... i so so so feel your pain and you really have been thru so much.. i know it is so hard to find ther physical and emotional strength to go out there and join support groups etc. i know! but i'm wishing you and all of us that now will be the time really for you to just begin anew... there is a gift in that really!!! obviously you are a caring person, having moved to be near your mother for her sake etc which is an incredibly self-sacrificing thing to do... but now ITS YOUR TURN ... to take care of YOU... and be happy you can find new friends and frameworks to start a whole new (and HEALTHY) path!!!!
thinking of you and crying for you but hopeful for you too!!!
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Marcella,
You've been naughty with Diet Pepsi. Carbonated sodas are acidic, and not good for breast cancer.
And as for your crappy sister, here... Take the cake!!!
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Thanks for the cake, GM!! (and the carbonated soda advice)
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Dear "There is no despair":
Thank you so very much for taking time to really read and think about my situation. And not only read but feel for me in a way that makes me feel heard and empathized with. When your feelings get dismissed and ignored so often, you start to think you're being overdramatic when that's the farthest from what is true.
I wish us both new beginnings with people who are as caring with us as we are with others.
Sending blessings and many thanks..
Marcell
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Marcell tnx so much for writing, it truly touched my heart. I believe in everything i wrote. Just like you wrote people make you feel like you are being overdramatic, when the very opposite is true. You made such a big change in your life to come live near your mother, you yourself were DX with cancer - its crazy that you have to feel like you are the one who is "out of line" here. I hope for her sake your sister will come around and realise that she has a fantastic sister and is missing out on someone wonderful... and for you Marcell REALLY, take it slowly, but get out there, maybe to a support group or wherever you can meet new people.... its so hard, this CA makes us so fatigued and overwhelmed and with brainfog that it is really hard to focus and do what is good for us.... but you deserve a good life Marcell, good friends, things to look forward to! And we are here to remind you when you forget that....
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It's sad, but kind of a relief, all the same, to know that other people feel so totally let down by the people they thought really cared about them.
I got a cancer diagnosis a week ago after a routine mammogram (thank God I kept up with them!), and have been thrown into a whirlwind of tests and appointments back to back, waiting for test results, before my surgery next week.
Compared to many, I feel my diagnosis seems minor, so I guess I downplayed it when telling people; I especially didn't want to upset my college-age daughter who is hours away. But I shot myself in the foot, because no one is checking in. I am still trying to work a very stressful job full-time, and trying to hold it together as best I can. I am single, so I get to do everything around the house, and don't have any family in the area. I passed out from anxiety before a test last night, and when I texted a friend about it later, she didn't even acknowledge that I had said it. I would have been happy with a "Oh, that sounds awful." Anything, anything to a recognize that this is hard, and maybe throw a little support my way. Another friend hasn't contacted me in a week. When I did see her, we only talked about my new diagnosis for about ten minutes, right before she left. I must have thoroughly convinced my daughter that I'm going to be just fine, too, because I'm not hearing from her, either. Does this just scare people so much that they can't talk about it? Like when you are young, and don't know how to talk to someone who had someone close to them die?
I have yet to cry. I just feel numb, trudging through work and appointments, feeling totally alone in this. I don't have two test results back yet (breast MRI and CAT scan of my lung), so I don't even know what lies ahead of me after the surgery.
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Hi Fotheringay:
I'm sorry you're dealing with a new diagnosis and all that come with it---the whirlwind of shock, fear, confusion and anger mixed in with denial and numbness. It sounds like you're taking on all of it and in a very short period of time. Take a breath.....
I've written a lot on this site about my disappointment in family and friends so I understand, sadly. I will tell you that when I was diagnosed and needed to attend the tests and appointments, I had to use all of my energy to focus on what needed to be done---one test one procedure one appointment at a time. I spent a lot of time reading in order to understand the breast cancer lingo.
Some friends and some family members will not go there--it's as simple as that. There isn't a "one size fits all" excuse either. For some, its fear of their own mortality, fear of losing you, awkwardness, self-centeredness, etc. Like you, I minimized my diagnosis. I thought I was trying to reduce their fear but now I know I instinctively knew they might recoil so I soft pedaled it so they wouldn't run away. They did anyway.
I watched a documentary on cancer survivors a couple weeks ago. A young woman was discussing her social life since cancer and she said she divided her friends into two groups--before cancer and after cancer. See? it happens a lot. The good news is there are new supports to gain in all of this. Members who post here, women at support groups and friends and family that may come through as you move along in treatment. Take this one day and one person at a time.
By the way, I'm also single and old enough to have a college-aged daughter and I did all my appointments, tests, surgeries, radiation treatment's, etc. on my own. Not ideal...no..but do-able.
I think your daughter is probably feeling a variety of things and perhaps it might help to open up the conversation. Ask her how she's feeling.
If your breast cancer program has a nurse navigator, ask about a consult with a social worker. Sometimes they can provide connections to services you may need. Also, if your employer has an Employee Assistance Program, some supportive counseling would be great.
Sorry this is so long, but I wanted you to know you aren't alone.
Marcella
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Hi Marcella,
More thanks than I can express for your response; It's the first time anyone has heard me, or understood what I'm going through since this thing started. I actually cried a bit for the first time, which is huge. ((((cyberhug of thanks))) I have been doing the "brave-face-get-through-this" that a previous posted eloquently described, and minimized my diagnosis for a lot of reasons.
It is getting interesting to note who of my friends have recoiled, and who are stepping up. Most of my closest friends have backed off, and some people I hardly know have stepped up and aren't afraid of me. It's good to know that this is a common phenomenon, rather than rail against it.
The hospital system I will be working with does appear to have an extensive support system, including a Nurse Navigator. Last week was my first with a diagnosis, and I didn't make the call because I had so many other things on my daily checklist, but I will call next week.
I'm grateful I found this site. I have a lot to learn.
Thanks again, Marcella,
Carrie
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B"H
Carrie _ yes we are here for you... its certainly a "process" dealing both with the DX which is unbelievably overwhelming and the "friendship thing".... it is interesting (to say the least) who stands by you and who "disappears", and in the middle are the people who have disappointed you and yet give you and others the suggestion that they are doing just everything for you....
How familiar that is - trying to br brave and especially with kids not letting them getting the feeling that "this is REALLY serious" because you don't want them to worry.. and that kinda backfiring on us because it seems people are really happy to immediately accept that it is all okay and "life is as usual".
I put on the table here something someone said to me, its advice that is GOOD only I myself found it TOO hard and out of character to take up - I was introduced to a woman who was accompanying another woman to her Radation treatments. I asked her what her connection was and she said she was this woman's friend.... and mentioned really offhandedly that she accompanied her friend to all her treatments or whatever she needed... and when I expressed how overwhelming kind and important that was and that she really is an "angel" for being such a good friend, she said "you have to know to ask".... in other words to express your needs (and maybe your worries etc.) to your friends. In a way it does make sense - because we too were ignorant about all the endless things a woman DX with BC has to deal with - so maybe we do have to explain more fully to others what you are facing, and how they can help.
Truth is that when I did just a bit they didn't get it - that i don't need a meal or even accompiament to doctors etc. just an ongoing interest .... didn't quite work lol but it is worth a try
in any case we are hear and listening to you !!!! and praying you will get a lot of good news !!!
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Haha! Your posts are hilarious!
Have a wonderful Thanksgiving free of annoying people!
: )
Marcella
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Reading these stories offers me comfort. I just thought it was my family.
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Love this.
*I wish I was a bird - so I could poop on people.*
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Some of my family can be similar as well. I don't see my sis-in-law often either. Earlier, before I was stage 4, I would see her and my younger brother, but not so much now.
I was feeling really depressed about it all, so decided to hook up with a social worker that was offered to me. This allows me to vent all of my feelings about it to someone with no investment, other than trying to help. This way, when I am with family members who can't handle it, I can still enjoy a visit. Sometimes, it is good to have a different place to release stress. Sometimes, family can't handle our issues and their own lives. Not because they don't love us, just that they can't cope. Rather than try to make them cope, it can be better to go elsewhere for help, and have a nice visit with family. I feel better when I can see family without all my bottled up stress. I also enjoy it if I can forget about cancer for a while.
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It's great to have a place to vent and sadly, I've needed to more times than I can count over the last year.
Since I've moved into part 3 of treatment with hormone therapy after rads and surgery, I think my family thinks its over and done with.
I saw my sister and her husband for dinner at my mom's urging and neither of them (sister and bil) asked how I was or what was the status of treatment. Nada. They knew I had finished rads so it might be nice to ask, "How are you feeling"? Right? Basic stuff.
I had avoided my sister and her family for a few months, not feeling like socializing since they didn't see fit to provide support through my treatment. I went to all of my surgeries in a cab and drove myself to 30 radiation treatments. No calls, cards or casseroles. My elderly mom has had a tough time accepting that the family wasn't there for me so she recently concocted a fantasy explanation to serve her narcissistic personality. She informed me tonight that my sister told her I had specifically requested that nobody ask me about my treatment. (no way) and, that she felt afraid to even broach the subject. My mother actually said ,"I think you need to be told people are afraid of talking to you". I was so choked up, I had to end the conversation. Imagine not being supported through cancer and then being told it was your fault that nobody was there for you?
This kind of behavior is almost as destructive as the disease. What's worse is there's no cure for it. : (
I hope all who come here will have a blessed holiday season.
xoxoxox
Marcella
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No I don't think I receive any support except that first month after diagnosis. I was suprised how little my family supported me during the 2 scares I had this year. Maybe they think oh it turned out to be nothing but I was the one who couldn't sleep at night. Recently my mother had a small stroke we were able to get treatment right away and she really didn't have much damage. Now she is on blood thinners to prevent a stroke. She is so afraid this is the end for her. I try to tell her you are doing great and feel good the medicine will help prevent another stroke kind of like my medicine helps prevent a recurrence of breast cancer. She just glares at me. Really essentially dealing with the same fear aren't we? Maybe I need to be more sensitive to her fears but you have to live and if you feel good try not to buy trouble. Isn't that what my family has been telling me by putting my cancer out of their minds.
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Hi all,
I was just reading Marcella's and Meow13 posts; they are so similar to experiences I have had over the years with my family. I'm off to visit my very elderly mother today(she has been developing dementia), who does worry about me to the annoyance of my brothers and sisters etc. I am sure they blame me for her recent problems as she was really worried after a recent visit - I had gone to visit but the journey takes it out of me and I was feeling really unwell with fatigue by the time I got there - she still notices everything. She kept getting upset about my being unwell. My family did not want her to know that I had cancer again and blame me for her suspicions. Not having breasts might be a big clue!
I was thinking I might bump into my brother and his wife and that I don't really want to see them or talk to them. I am fed up being treated like the last year and how I have been feeling increasingly unwell is some kind of aberration on my part. One of my sisters kept telling me I needed to move on and should get counselling (that was funny as at the time I had been on a waiting list for 6 months). She kept telling me to do this as her friend had had cancer and it had helped her (like I've never had cancer before?). I had 2 scares this year, the second I really wanted to be the cause of my problems as having endometrial cancer would have been far better than TNBC mets.
But the worst part is - with my rising tumour markers and worsening symptomatic problems I am not expecting good news from my oncologist later this week. When I tried to tell my younger sister and explain and told her that I am not able to make frequent visits to my mum as I have been too ill she just replied coldly, "What are you saying? You think you have cancer?"
Yes, I do.
Oh well!
Have a good day everyone - we have each other.
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I too have a child who I lent my car to during chemo had drop early and was 2 hrs late for pickup. Mind you I told her time later than done and still late. So it is common, and my stepmom can't join me do to her own issues. So I don't have family to depend on, but so many are completely alone. I am blessed for what I do have, in spite of what is missing. Some of these stories are terrible and I feel awful for each of you. This stuff has taught me to be there for others in a way I wouldn't have learned otherwise. Hug
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My mother actually said ,"I think you need to be told people are afraid of talking to you"
MarcellaPa- my mum said this too, almost word for word. Unbelievable, isn't it? I had to stop contact with her it was so damaging. My 2 sisters too were hopeless - one seemingly angry that had cancer, I understand how hard these attitudes are to cope with.
I hope it makes you feel better that you are not alone in this.
x
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Wintersocks:
Yes it really does provide support and make me feel better while at the same time I feel so bad that you've had to endure a similar situation-- word for word even.
I'm glad you were able to separate yourself from such a toxic family member. I'm going to try my hardest to disengage too. I truly think our survival depends on separating ourselves from unnecessary pain.
Thank you again for reaching out and helping me feel less alone.
Marcella
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Hahaha...thanks GMMIPH, I needed that
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Hi Marcella, hope you're ok. Have a Merry Healthy Christmas!
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I've been reading the last few pages of this thread because I'm still so very, very angry at my sister for abandoning me 10 months ago when I was getting ready to go in for my mastectomy. I got so angry reading the "You need to know that people are afraid to talk to you" comment. What is your answer to that supposed to be? "Umm....OK.....what can I do to help YOU relieve YOUR fear?" Nevermind the absolute terror we all have had to cope with alone through all of this $hit!
I walked on lightbulbs around my sister starting the moment I thought I might have cancer because, like someone else on here said, I was afraid she would "recoil" and wanted to delay that recoil as long as possible. I was so afraid of her leaving me at the moment when I needed her that I didn't ask for help when I needed it. I wanted to "save her up" for when I absolutely could not live without her, so I tried to keep every interaction as upbeat as possible. I could see how terrified she was, and she was losing weight. I didn't talk about my fears and anxieties but asked "Are you OK? You look like you're losing weight." That was the ammo she used against me 2 days before my mastectomy. She showed up in the RV I was living in (and still am living in - the time I've spent off work very nearly led to bankruptcy) in our dad's driveway and unleashed her fury on me for asking about her weight loss, saying that I'd hurt her feelings terribly, and disappeared from my life.
We've had to see one another since then at holidays and funerals and she's still putting on the mad act. I know that she's doing it because it's easier to be mad at me than to admit to herself that she is nothing but a lowlife who abandons people who need her most. She didn't even show up at our family Thanksgiving and we're not going to bother celebrating Christmas.
Sometimes I really hope she will have a cancer scare. I don't hope she'll get cancer but I really hope she can learn what it feels like to be absolutely terrified and have nobody there for her.
I'm venting. I've been holding these feelings in for way too long.
What a coward. It's good to know who can be counted on and who can't. If she saw someone sinking in quicksand she'd run away, crying, instead of throwing out a rope. I hope she's ashamed of herself.
I keep saving this and then coming back to add more LOL. I have been tempted to send her a letter telling her what a piece of crap she is, and how bad she's hurt me - but I won't give her the satisfaction. I have not once expressed any anger toward her during her treatment of me. I'm beng kind and gentle to her whenever I see her - and I'm doing it to hurt her. Because every time I'm kind to her, it makes her cringe. She WANTS me to get mad and tell her what I think of what she's done to me, so that she can justify her behavior further. I have not said anything bad about her to either of my parents or to our other siblings, but continue to pretend to not be angry at her and to be concerned about her because I'm not going to give her one bit of satisfaction or justification for her behavior.
I thought we were so close. We talked every single day - often many times per day - and had never, once, fought. I've never been close with the rest of our siblings or our mother and never counted on them to be there for me in any way. She was the only one in the family that I trusted or counted on, and there's nothing I would not have done for her. We'd promised one another that if we found ourselves single when we were old we'd live together and take care of one another.
I feel like an evil person for not giving her what she wants - which is a fight, an excuse to never talk to me again. She'll never talk to me again, other than to make small talk at family gatherings, but I want her to know that she's the one that made that decision, not me.
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To CANCER & all of Life's Miseries,
This one's for you!!!
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