How to forgive family/friends who disappeared during cancer....
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I apologized to my sister (diagnosed 2014) for not being there for her, or taking the time to understand all about BC. I was taking care of our mother at the time and her needs sort of superseded hers. Still, doesn't make it any better. I could have done better. We did share a few lunches together where just the 2 of us could talk. She is moving on with her life because that's what she wants to do. I reached out to her the day I arrived for my 1st biopsy because I was having a little trouble getting out of the car. She was a great help to me during those first few weeks. A while later I told her we should compare our pathology's. I still don't know her exact stats. I know she's metastatic with a couple of spots on her spine, but not sure if she was staged as a 3 at first and these mets were found later, or if she was Stage 4 de nova. She is doing great, btw taking the AI and Xgeva, and no progression. Two weeks ago she texted that she was going through some paperwork from back when she was diagnosed and she was taking a trip down memory lane, not necessarily a good one! This would have been an opportune time for me to ask however, I had just come off a high anxiety abnormal MRI and BS appt. and I was in no mood to talk cancer. Our niece texted the two of us one day when she was at the Dr.'s office asking if either of us were triple negative and I replied no. My sister replied that she'd have to look it up!!She really has moved on with living and I think it is wonderful. One day though, we will have another cancer conversation so we both have a better understanding and will be able to help the younger generation of our families out in case we have started a new trend of illness. My niece may have some genetic testing done, but not until she's done having babies. Sister has 2 daughters, I have 1, other brother has 2.
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there are some peripheral people who know and disappeared. I never trust that people genuinely care about others, I just think people usually focus on themselves so it didn’t bother me. But there are some people that have been hugely involved beyond my hoping, it is amazing. So I concentrate on those relationships because they are real. I don’t have social media for the same reasoning / if I don’t text or chat with you already, we really don’t care about each other so why waste time on fake online crap?
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hi Together... not too sure why you are calling this site " fake online crap" I believe if a person posts on this site..especially.. It is because they need the support of even a stranger.. I never felt like I have been wasting my time on bc.org. I have had very positive experiences on here when they had a chat room..when I was first diagnosed..they gals were all so helpful to me. anyway.. anything that I had posted on this particular topic.IT WAS ALL FROM MY HEART..& I AM FOR REAL.. I am happy for you that you have real people in your life.. not all of us do.. so please DON'T TELL US THAT WE ARE ONLINE FAKES OR CRAP..~HOPEDREAMS
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You jumped that wrong- I started the sentence about social media: Facebook, Twitter, Insta, you know? Not this. Not a cancer support site! Why would I post if I felt that way? OMG.
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I keep in touch with family members and real-life friends via Facebook. I don't add people I don't know unless they are a long-time friend of someone I trust, and I've seen enough of their posts to know we'll get along. So, all of my FB contacts are certainly real and not crap. You just have to learn to use it in a way that suits you. There are also cancer support FB groups that I have found to be extremely helpful and supportive. And there are professional and avocational groups that I've joined that add to my quality of life with knowledge and friendships.
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I saw that happen with my grandmother, my mother, and now me. People disappearing. I can't forgive. Won't forgive.
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I don't do a lot of facebook or insta messaging. Don't keep random people that I don't know. The only people I contact are people still involved in my life though that is mostly phone unless old friend from places I work.
I can certainly empathize with not wanting to forgive people who disappeared. I spent a long time angry but forgave them even though some people I no longer have contact with. I did this for me. The people in question obviously would not know about this.
Forgiving is more for the person who was wronged anyway to remove stress from original wrong that was done. It is hard to do but feels so much better. It does NOT always mean forgetting what happened or even welcoming someone back into your life. It just means being able to talk or think about people and not getting stomach churning rage toward them. All of that stuff does nothing but hurt us. Would not bother the person who caused it anyway and takes any happiness away. Life is too short and we need to try to find happiness wherever we can get it. I don't want to feel bitterness and truly would not wish any bad things for the people who are no longer in my life. Helps my mental state. I still don't trust those people and don't plan to open doors but don't feel my anger toward them.
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HI LADIES.. I AGREE WITH FORGIVING.. BUT WHEN ITS YOUR OWN FLESH & BLOOD..SUCH AS MY SON..MY ONLY CHILD...THE HURT NEVER LEAVES ME.. IN MY HEART..I KNOW IT MUST BOTHER HIM AS WELL.. BUT WE HAVE BEEN AT A TOTAL STAND OFF FOR OVER A YEAR NOW.. I AM NOT ON FACE BOOK..NEVER WANTED TO BE ON THERE.. I HAVE GONE THRU 4 DIFFERENT CANCERS..THAT ARE NOT RELATED TO EACH OTHER..IT HASNT BEEN EASY.. BUT THE FACT THAT I DO NOT SEE MY SON OR MY 2 GRANDCHILDREN HURTS BEYOND WORDS CAN SAY.. THE KIDS ARE NOT ALLOWED TO CONTACT ME..BY PHONE OR EMAILS..THEY ARE TOO AFRAID OF THEIR FATHER..TO DIS OBEY HIM.. HE HAS NOT BEEN THE SAME SINCE SEPT 11..
HE WAS A FIRST RESPONDER THERE [.NYPD]. AND THATS WHEN OUR RELATIONSHIP STARTED GOING DOWN HILL..I TRIED EVERYTHING TO BRING US ALL TOGETHER.OVER THE YEARS..ON OCCASION HE WOULD EMAIL ME..BUT STOPPED..GOT TIRED OF BEING IN & OUT OF THEIR LIVES...BUT I HAVE STOPPED COMPLETELY..I HAVE NO OTHER CHOICE TO TRY TO KEEP MY SANITY. I DO NOT TELL ANY OF MY NEIGHBORS ABOUT MY CANCERS.. I DONT WANT THEIR QUESTIONS OR SYMPATHY OR ADVICE.. I JUST FELT BETTER KEEPING IT ALL TO MYSELF ALL OF THESE YRS.. MY DRS AND NURSES HAVE BECOME MY FAMILY.. & IM GRATEFUL FOR THEM.. GOOD LUCK TO ALL OF YOU LADIES ON YOUR JOURNEYS.... ~HOPE0 -
Hopedreams, I am so sorry. I am glad you have at least this group to talk to. So important to have someone you can talk to as well. I also sympathize about you and your son as your situation is much different than mine and I can't imagine what he went through as a first responder. I hope at some point he gets help and will let you back in as well. When someone stays away for a long time. they run the risk of being too late and losing the person altogether.
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hopedreams, I really hope your son will get counseling what he went through may have caused some of this disconnection. For whatever reason he probably can't face you having cancer. It seems like all my coworkers think I am dead or something. I wish I never told any of them about my cancer. Fortunately, my family thinks I am cured and never treat me differently. I hope they are right.
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hopedreams - I’m so sorry about you and your son. My husband and I have 5 children total. His, mine and ours. Ours is a son. We are very close but we went through some very turbulent times too. I won’t bore you with the details but rest assured there were many times our relationship was fractured and even broken. How we managed to survive those times only God knows.We have a good relationship now thankfully.
Is your son married? If so what does your DIL say about the situation?
I feel tremendous respect and empathy for him being a first responder. I can’t even imagine the horror he personally experienced. Did he ever get counseling after that?
I guess I can understand his fear for you but isolating himself and your grandchildren from you just doesn’t make sense to me.
I’ll keep you and your family in my prayers. Keep the faith.
Diane
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HI MARA..THANKS FOR YOUR KIND WORDS.. BUT I DONT THINK MY SON WILL COME BACK INTO MY LIFE..HAVENT SEEN HIM OR HEARD FROM HIM IN OVER A YEAR NOW.. AND I DID TRY TO GET HIM TO GO TO THERAPY ALONG WITH ME OR BY HIMSELF..& HE REFUSED.. TAKE CARE..~HOPE
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Well Hopedreams, that will be his burden to bear. You will need to look after yourself then, keep up your strength mentally. The therapy is a good idea either way with or without him. They can help you deal with everything you are going through. I am still send my good wishes to you. I find this forum very good as well. i sometimes get sad over my mom's dying and having a brother I had to cut off. That is like a death but was necessary for us both. I also rely on my social workers. I get one from the cancer centre and i have another through my community services. Both are really good sounding boards. I also have a volunteer that I go out with on Fridays for walking and talking. Very much like a good friend except she is a volunteer from hospice as I am a pretty solitary person. I am mostly happy with my own company but I also know it is good to talk about things that i don't wish to discuss with other people. I like that there is no judgment there of some of the tthings I say. \
i fit a certain role in my family due to not having married or having a big social life. Work was my social life and at this point don't have much to really talk about. There is only so much fitness or wellness for myself to talk about. The other people in my life who are wonderful all lead more interesting lives. I like have the volunteer to chat with because she doesn't know the way I used to be.
The family I do have left are very kind, helped me out a lot with transitions etc. The only problem is my perception that I am underestimated in my ability to be my own independent woman able to stand up to some very difficult things and wanting to do most myself. I choose not to engage or try to change the dynamic because it only comes up when people come to visit or we go out. Since overall, I feel positive about things now, I don't wish to prove myself. People can believe it or not, I have nothing to prove to anybody anymore. I am also a LOT smarter than people generally think I am. People really should not underestimate me if they do. As said above though, it is not enough of an issue and I don't need to prove myself. I am accountable for my life to myself.
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HI MARA.. IM NOT IGNORING U.. BUT I JUST WANTED TO LET U KNOW THAT I INTEND TO WRITE BACK TO U SOON.. I AM GOING THRU A REALLY BAD MIGRAINE ATTACKS.. MY NEURO PUT ME ON AN 8 DAY TAPER OF PREDNISONE..TO TRY TO BREAK THE CYCLE.. I CAN NOT TAKE ANY OF THE SUMATRIPTANS DRUGS..AND THE BOTOX INJECTIONS I DID TRY.. BUT HAD TO STOP AFTER 1 TREATMENT..DUE TO SIDE AFFECTS.. AS SOON AS I AM BACK TO MYSELF I WILL WRITE TO U.. I DIDNT REALIZE THAT U HAD METS TO YOUR BRAIN.. U ARE A REAL ~HOPE STAY STRONG..XOX
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Rest yourself hopedreams. I am sorry to hear of the migraines and hope they are controlled for you soon. I will look forward to hearing from you once you are feeling better. You will feel better and these migraines and other side effects will go away for you. Sending you healing thoughts.
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thanks Linda Ranching, very well written. I appreciate your views, definitely a good perspective. thank you!
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I recently had bilateral Mastectomy and have had incredibly good support from my husband, sister and friends. However, another sister was so unconcerned that her daughters learned about my bc from my sister-in-law not their mother. My husbands sister has had some chronic health issues secondary to her lifestyle. She has had numerous hospitalizations over the past several years and I spent numerous days and nights in the hospital with her and took her dog to my house as everyone else was willing to let him stay outside in 100 degree temps. She has not as much as called me to ask how I’m doing and continues to rely on my husband to take care of her needs. I am more disgusted with my sister and sister-in-law than angry or hurt. I realize that both of them have always been very self involved and I’m writing it off as that. Getting too wrapped in in this only causes me to feel depressed and bc there is nothing I can do to change it, I just have to let it go. That said, I fear I will be hard pressed to be there for them in their times of need. I sincerely hope this passes as I don’t like how it makes me feel about myself. Thanks for letting me spout off!
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Yogatyme, I can certainly empathize with the uninvolved sister issue. Sometimes there are just people who either can't or won't empathize with your situation. It is painful and raw when family or friends are not there. Get support from the people who care, get professional help like a social worker and this site to talk to us and don't deal with the sister issue until you are medically and more emotionally able to do it. I hope that it resolves for you but if it doesn't, know that you are valued by many people and rely on them. Know that you are a good person and repeat those words that you are worth it. Even if you don't feel that way. Think of something else if she comes up in your thoughts eg imagine an ice cream cone or something that makes you happy. This can help get rid of destructive thoughts. Meditation is good too. Youtube has lots of peaceful mustic that can put someone in a good state of mind. Peaceful to listen to. I know this post is long, but it just reminded me of what I went through and hoped I could be of some help.
When I was first diagnosed, I did not know how people would react. I thought all of my family would rally around me but my younger brother and his family did not. When I went Stage IV, my SIL's mother did have lung cancer and they took a year to care for her. We offered to be of any assistance they may need for meals or even just moral support. SIL and brother said no so we allowed them to deal with it and did not pressure them to be supporting me or my family. Fast forward after SIL mom died, they still could not be bothered to come to family functions and then my mom got lung cancer, and only then did they bother to show up. They were verbally abusive to both my mother and me, brother hacked tablets and stole information about my financials hoping to steal money when house sold. It did not happen and I have since simply cut off that end of the family. I have not heard from them nor do they know where I live now. I did say they would not hear from me again and I meant it. Even if they pretended to care, I would not trust them.
Today I think it is a blessing for both myself and younger brother to be out of contact. Less stress for us both.
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Thanks for this discussion, everyone. I am struggling with this too.
The first time I went through BC a decade ago, my next door neighbour would cross the street to avoid me every time she saw my bald head! I hated her for it at the time, but a couple years later our kids became best friends, and we slowly got to know each other in a different way. To my surprise, she turned out to be a very kind person. It was definitely a growth experience for me, realizing that what she did was awful, but that she herself was not an awful person (mind you, this is a neighbour, not a relative -- I know many people on this thread have much more traumatic experiences). Reminds me of that psychology term 'cognitive dissonance,' where it's uncomfortable to hold two conflicting thoughts at the same time. I wanted to keep hating her, but circumstances forced my hand.
Two weeks ago I was diagnosed with a recurrence. I'm now living in a different place, and people have been wonderful: friends, co-workers, neighbours. All except my oldest friend, who has texted me a few times to ask for updates but has never offered any help, or to get together, or any support at all. She is of course the least busy person I've ever known: she is independently wealthy and neither she nor her husband works. It feels like she's only interested in the train wreck aspect of my crisis. Her texts offer no sympathy: after hearing the update she disappears. On the advice of my therapist, I decided to tell her that I was hurt that she didn't offer to help. I got an abrupt, terse voicemail in return. I'm starting chemo in a few days and am trying to keep calm. I can tell by her defensive tone that it wouldn't be a positive conversation if I talked to her, but I hate leaving things hanging like this. Any words of wisdom would be much appreciated -- thanks!
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Hi Brooklyn. I'm so sorry about your recurrence, and about your confusing experience with your oldest friend. Had you been very close recently, before your new diagnosis? Or had it been some time since you've been in contact? I ask because my oldest friend and I don't have very regular contact. Only this week did I find out her mother died this summer, and she herself had a pulmonary embolism.
So, words of wisdom: while you are hurting and in need of her friendship and her support right now, it's possible something is going on in her life that makes it hard for her. Your hurt feelings are real and valid, but maybe you can also add confusion to the list of what you feel. Confused about why she is reacting this way. Confused because you don't know why.
If you DO know why, if you DO know that she is self-centered and not very emotionally giving, then maybe she isn't really a good friend anyway. But if you think of her as usually supportive and giving, then for now, try to give her the benefit of the doubt. If you can give her the benefit of the doubt and she actually deserves it, maybe in a few days, send her a thank you note, thanking her for her concern and for her ongoing relationship in your life.
Either way, you need to focus on your treatment and your own health. So after that, try to let it go. Pay attention to the ones who are there for you, the friends, neighbors, and co-workers who have been so kind and helpful.
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Thanks Mia, your advice is helpful! She left another message last night, this one also very abrupt but the tone was a bit less cold. Clearly she's trying, but she is a very guarded person, even with someone like me who she's known for 30 years. I think in the past she has tried to be supportive in her own way, but she is always going to have walls up, always be wary of getting too involved, emotionally or with her time. I'm not sure what I really want her to do for me at this point. I guess the only thing for it is to pick up the phone and see where the conversation goes.
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An update on my reaction by sister and sil: as I have moved through recovery and at least physically feel close to my “normal” I am over the bad feelings I was having. Focusing on who was there for me rather than who wasn’t was the key I think. Thanks for everyone’s helpful posts!
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HI MARA..ITS ME..HOPE.. I'M FINALLY BACK ON..I HAD LOTS OF ISSUES SINCE WE COMMUNICATED LAST.. INCLUDING HEALTH ISSUES ETC..THEN MY COMPUTER WENT ON THE BLINK.. AND I JUST GOT A BRAND NEW ONE.. IN FACT..MY SON.. BOUGHT IT FOR ME.. I WAS SHOCKED..!! TO SAY THE LEAST..SINCE WE HARDLY EVER COMMUNICATE.. I CALLED JUST TO ASK IF HE HAD ANY EXTRA LAP TOPS LAYING AROUND HIS HOUSE..SINCE I REMEMBER HIM HAVING QUITE A FEW WITH HIS 2 TEEN AGE KIDS.. WELL HE DIDNT..BUT LESS THAN AN HOUR LATER..HE CALLED ME BACK TO TELL ME TO GO TO BEST BUY.. [THAT IS WHERE WE ALL GOT OUT COMPUTERS..] AND BRING ID.. TO GO PICK UP MY BRAND NEW HP LAPTOP.. I WAS THRILLED..AND IN TEARS..TO THINK HE BOUGHT IT FOR ME..WHAT A SURPRISE AND A SHOCK. HOPE U ARE DOING OK?? WRITE AND LET ME KNOW..I STILL HAVE MY MIGRAINES..& OTHER THINGS GOING ON ..BUT THATS LIFE.. TAKE CARE.. ~HOPE XO
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Hello hopedreams, it is very good to hear from you. That was a wonderful thing your son did for you and very touching. I am sorry you are still having migraines and hope they will resolve soon.
I am doing well and very happy at home right now. Feeling stronger and enjoying my little apartment. Went out with older brother and SIL yesterday which was fun. I have a volunteer who calls me every mon-fri to check in and chat with for a few minutes which is good. If I do not answer, she will call my older brother and let him know in case something has happened to me. I enjoy talking to her and also enjoy the extra security it gives me as well.
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HI MARA.. IM JUST WRITING A SHORT NOTE FOR U..I WILL SEND U A PRIVATE EMAIL SOON..BUT I HAD A REALLY VERY ROUGH OCTOBER..I WAS ADMITTED INTO MY CANCER CENTER 3 TIMES..JUST FOR A FEW NITES EACH TIME..IT WAS CRAZY.. I GO TO MY DRS APPTS FOR WHATEVER REASON..& 2 OF THEM SEND ME TO THE E.R. RIGHT FROM THEIR OFFICES. I HOPE U ARE DOING OK.? I WILL WRITE TO U SOON.. NITE.. XO ~HOPE * TIME TO RELAX & HOPEFULLY GET SOME SLEEP..
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hopedreams, yes I am doing well, thank you for asking.
I am sorry you had such a rough October and hope things have settled down for you.
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Hi everyone,
This is the first time posting here. I come from a pretty big family. When I was diagnosed last January with MBC I contacted each family member to tell them the news. I explained it was possible to live many years with MBC and all have been supportive except one. One of my sisters then sent a text to my husband saying she was looking at hospice centers where we live and couldn't find any. I was furious with her. I didn't speak to her for months. I finally forgave her, because I needed to move on. I spoke to her on the phone last week for the first time since Jan, and not once did she ask how I was doing with treatments.
I also had another so called "close" friend who I rarely hear from.
Some people are so self absorbed that they can't handle the effort it takes to help others in need. It's just they way they are. I have learned to forgive those types of people and exclude them from my life.
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My friends and coworkers made many mistakes, but still I could tell they meant well. The worst was the nurse at the Health Centre who told me just to think positive. She was also a friend. She said she will never say that again! Lol. But what really upset me was that my sister disappeared for five months after I told her about my dx. She never even asked my brothers. I finally called and her and asked her WTH?! She had no explanation. Apologized and said she had assumed if there was something she needed to know, she thought I would tell her. I did not accept that. I told her I needed a better explanation. I needed to know how she could appear so thoughtless. How she could not be there. That I would have flown out to see her if she was in a similar situation. How we had offered to be there while her husband recovered from cancer. I gave her specific examples of how her behaviour deceived her and her excuses. She was defensive fir a bit and then fell apart. She begged me to forgive her and could never explain her behaviour. That is when I realized how innocent her omission really was despite the dramatic impact on me personally. I still do not get it, but I can now accept it. She does love me. You should see how attentive she now is to my emails. Lol. I love her and we still have each other. Don’t be too quick to throw family away. It’s difficult to confront. But if they are worth forgiving, demand them to fight for it. If not, let them go and focus on yourself
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I was warned about this by a friend who is a 10 year survivor. She said some people will run. She told me her best friend completely stopped talking to her. My best friend is a tough woman and I didn't think that she would be the one to run away but she was. Her response when I told her was "Aw babe, that sucks" and then started talking about how awesome looking her other friend's boobs are since she had breast cancer. After that, she pretty much ghosted me.
Towards the end of treatment, I called her. I told her that I understood why she might not want to deal with me and that she wasn't the only one (she was though) and I am okay with it. She started telling me about some really tough things going on in her own life and that she isn't really talking to anyone. I should not be upset because she said it wasn't about me- but I am. Because I don't believe her.
Last week she invited me to dinner after blowing me off for months. So I am hoping that she is ok with me now. But I certainly don't think about her the same way.
So many people were there for me and it was often the people I least expected!
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Hope I am not out of line posting here as a husband whose wife has Stage-4.
I'll try not to ramble, but feel some background might help. My wife learned her BC returned (after 18 years since mastectomy), it metastasized in her sternum and a couple ribs. And had received targeted radiation, and is on a Herceptin regimen every 3 weeks. Her oncologist was pleased with her last PET scan, but her anxiety and depression are making it difficult for her to sleep and she pretty much feels like crap most of the day (upset stomach, shakes, etc.). Her palliative Dr has prescribed several different anti-anxiety/depression meds and they only seem to make things worse. Per Dr recommendation she has made an appt to see a psychiatrist.
While she has been open about the DX with family+friends, she doesn't share the deep/dark feelings of despair with many as she tries to hide how she really feels. On the other hand, I have shared the general stuff with family+friends, even set up a private FB group to keep my siblings apprised. Initially, I received the "thoughts & prayers" replies, but I have noticed the "disappearance" described in this thread.
This is not about me, but my brother (1700 miles away) is sort of going through something similar with his wife who is on a kidney transplant wait-list (does dialysis 3x/week) for the last 7 years. Last week I asked whether his wife is taking anything for anxiety/depression about the waiting. She was not, but takes oxy-codone for her back (so maybe that "numbs" the anxiety/depression, I don't know). This opened the door for my brother & I to share our feelings about our spouses' battles. His care-giving is more involved than anything I've done so far. It was a good conversation as he confided how much he thinks about mortality and not knowing what he'd do without his wife. I have the same thoughts, but reserve my cry-time to walks with our dog or the gym shower.
I have another sister and brother (also many miles away), but unless I reach out to them I hear nothing. Everyone has their stuff they are dealing with, but the "disappearance" kind of bugs me.
Sorry for the ramble, this is my first post/reply in this site.
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