How to forgive family/friends who disappeared during cancer....
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I'm one of those people that feels you can truly count your good friends on one hand. I lost a good friend during my treatments. She was going through a divorce, and I guess because we couldn't be there for one another, we just lost our friendship. I was stunned she didn't come see me in the hospital. I was in hospitals for almost a month because if it could go wrong during my treatments it did. That was 16 years ago, and every now and then I reach out to her, but we aren't close anymore. She was diagnosed with breast cancer 2 years ago, and had a bmx. It's like we both tried to be friends again after her diagnosis, but we were never close again. I miss her friendship, and think of her, and still call from time to time, but cancer takes more than lives, and health, it kills relationships too sometimes. The only person that reached out to me from our large church was another sister survivor, and my family lives 400 miles away. It's hard to not get hurt, you wouldn't be human if you didn't. People are busy, and I get that. I am not one of those needy people, but there were times when I needed someone to bring a meal to my son. I almost lost my left arm during treatments, because an infection (sepsis) entered my non-cancer arm. I fought for my life, and I fought to keep my arm. When I was finally released from the hospital, I could only use one arm. Looking back, I know that I am stronger because I had to be, but it still makes me sad that there were casualties along the way.
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hope and love, I totally relate to you brothers reaction. my brother the same. he told me one day that you do not even have cancer, it is gone. well, have to admit I have been fast releasing my anger towards his ignorance which has not made things better. In the end I feel like they are austriches sticking their heads into the sand, meanwhile I am dealing with this one my own. The anger has to go though. So I have started a new approach <"acceptance" and luckily have some friends I can turn too instead. But it is beyond hurtful realising this. Perhaps they hurt too much or do not give a damn, either or it is wrong. I am moving on with a broken heart.
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I love my brother...but...he has had prostate cancer with surgery, radiation and hormone...threat cancer, and tongue cancer. He continues to smoke and dip at the same time, is an functioning alcoholic. Now he has stopped his hormone treatment, has another spot in his mouth. He is always nice to me but is verbally abusive to his wife and paranoid. I'm sure it is from years of alcohol abuse. I'm running from cancer, taking treatments trying to feel well, he seems to be running towards it hard and fast. It makes me very sad.
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Repeat after me, "fuck 'em". Said goodbye to a 30 year friendship because raising two kids as a stay at home father kept him too busy to inquire about my wife and me.
Say it and move on with your true friends and family.
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Kittis894 - I'm sorry you are experiencing problems with your brother too. I'm glad you have good friends to support you. I also have good supports around me and am working on letting go of my hurt and anger. Everyday it gets a little better. But I'm still baffled by how some people like our brothers can be so heartless towards someone's health concerns.
Beatmom - I'm also sorry for what you are going through with your brother. That has to be hard to watch someone continue with such an unhealthy lifestyle. I feel sad for him.
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I have a pretty hard time letting go of the fact that two of my sisters and a brother have not called or come to se me for two years since my stage IV Dx. I am beyond hurt and confused. Also a previous best friend. I am so sick of people using the excuse that "I don't know what to say". How about I love you, let's have coffee or a glass of wine. It's not like I am going to tangle them up to be my therapist. I still need companionship with them. I feel like they just don't give a crap.
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Well, here goes a steam release....
I feel like screaming at my brother and sister. I receive absolutely no support whatsoever from these two despite the fact that every time they needed help it was always me that stood up and helped them out whether it be financially or emotionally. I feel so hurt, my brother is supposedly a preacher yet neither he or my sister in law have come to see me, call me or anything in two years. But for several years before my diagnosis I helped his family financially so that their kids had groceries to eat, their electricity was not cut off and they didn't lose their home when they were unable to take care of these things themselves. You would think a preacher would at least offer to pray for you, but even that must be too much for them to do for me. I guess when I could no longer help them I became expendable.
Then there's the sister that comes to my house but never asks any questions about how I'm doing or anything about my treatment. Its like nothing is wrong whatsoever. Has never offered to even so much as bring me a fast food burger, much less cook a meal for me, but she and her family will sure sit down to eat at my table at every opportunity and then leave the dishes for me to do. How thoughtful of them.
Geeze Louise, I want so badly to tell these two what worthless siblings they are!!
Thanks for listening to this rant. I'm sorry for all of my BC sisters who have to put up with some of the same crap I do. Thank God we have friends, church families and some good family members to lean on because with family members like these, I would rather be an only child. I am working on the forgiveness part.
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Bock, are you the eldest by any chance? It's only anecdotal, but I've noticed with my husband and friends that this type of behaviour seems almost common towards the eldest. It's like the younger siblings never quite grow up or get stuck in how things were when they were preteens. My 2 SIL's are something to watch, they are so jealous of each other, and constantly have these petty squabbles that they try and get others to take sides in. Honestly, they sound like they are 8 when they get going, they are both in their late 50's sadly.
We met them for lunch a few months ago, they arrived separately, wearing similar jackets. Most of lunch consisted of listening to them argue over who copied who, seriously!!
It used to bother me that I had no family, maybe it's not such a bad thing after all. I'm so sorry you have to deal with adults behaving so badly and being so thoughtless. Those around you should be reducing your stress, not being the cause of it.
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My brother is a millionaire, says he is poor and has NEVER offered me the 20k I need for reconstruction......says it all.....not been in touch with my only child either for 5 years as he also walked away, telling me his mother was strong and so i was not his mother as I was upset one day........is life actually worth it?????? Struggling to find a reason to carry on as every day takes emotional energy and I am running out
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Freya,
You hit the nail on the head!! I am the eldest and I agree with you that it's almost as if they never matured and don't know how to handle the bad things that this world can throw at you at times.
Lily55,
Sending you a big hug and some strength to help carry you on. I felt so much better after I posted my little rant. I hope you can find a release also.
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i'm going to have to speak up and say it is the opposite with me.
I am youngest of 6 and tbh am usually the 'Family Rock' in a crisis. (Pretty sure it was the years of carrying all the family drama, and having handling everything when my mum died (intestate) in Sept 14 was was wiped out my immune system long enough for cancer to take hold!!)
Anyhoo, apart from one sister (that I am closest to) and my brother (who lives hours away but always made a point of dropping by when he could), my other 3 siblings were rubbish.
Got the odd 'how are you?' text from my two bros but no visits.
But I saw nothing of my eldest sister at all. She arranged to come over twice during my chemo but cancelled both times, so I stopped asking.
But tbh we have a difficult relationship anyway.
I'm seeing a therapist now because the cancer knocked me off balance (who else was OK during treatment but depressed after?? Taken me 18 mths post all clear to feel 70% 'normal'. Tough time.
I finally got up the nerve this morning to mention to my eldest sister how hurt I was that she was not there for me when I was having chemo/post op.
Her response? I just got a long list of 'buts':
1. 'But I had IBS' (the whole time from May-December??? And IBS side effect is not being able to phone/email ??) Not an excuse.)
2. 'But I was grieving mum' (er, so was I, and I was dealing with G3 cancer as a self employed (no critical illness cover) single mum of an 11 year old!! That is not an excuse.)
3. 'But you did not let me come to the hospital the day you had surgery' (erm, so what? I did not 'let' anyone come see me immediately after my op (bi-mx plus dual diep flap recon! HUGE op!) as I knew I would not be up to it (I was delirious for a couple of days with pneumonia, not up to seeing anyone! But what about the 7 months before the op when I was having chemo??? Or the 3 mths after op at home recovering? No excuse)
She went on and on listing 'excuses' but I said she was not hearing /listening... told her I was really hurt by her running away and all I wanted was for her acknowledge that and to apologise, then we could move forward trying to repair our tenuous relationship.
Her response? No, I won't apologise, because I don't think I should have to... at which point I simply hung up the phone. Can't be arsed. Good to have at least told her how I felt, nice to have it off my chest (pardon the pun, ladies!)
I've read loads on 'why some family and friends vanish' during treatment... many articles say tbey are scared of seeing you like that, scared of the idea of you dying. I get that.
One friend I did 'allow' to see me in hospital (because she lived nearby in London and I had not seen her thru chemo) burst into tears when she came in and literally sobbed inconsoleably for 15 minutes, so distressed to see me like that (last time she saw me I was a dolled up fabulous blonde on a girl's night out! The big bald baby look terrified a lot of people. Fear of death staring them in the face)
I can also see that as we get older we all have less time and are under more stress in our own lives. Time flies. I don't seem to have spare time at all any more.
I have forgiven my sister cos it would just be bad for ME to carry the grudge.
A good saying: "Life becomes easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got." ~Robert Brault
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Ladies... we have to forgive. We do not have time to bear grudges. Tell people how they made you feel.. get it off your chest and move on. But don't sweat if you do mot get an apology.
Life becomes easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got." ~Robert Brault
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Howdy All! I haven't been on here for ages, but my phone ap still updates me every time someone posts here... and I usually read them, and am tempted to dip back in, so here I (finally) am
I agree SO strongly with LaLa -- and such a concise message, too (Me - not so good at "concise")
I am now 5 years post dbl mastectomy with DIEP flap recon. Had some complications but feeling super Lucky and happy to be doing pretty darn good now. 5 years can give you a real perspective on things.. and in retrospect the very BEST lesson I learned during my cancer (and there were SO many lessons) - was the one about giving up expectations.
In fact someone recently told me "Expectation is the path to Disappointment" - so true (and once again, concise
People are who they are, not who you think they should be.
What a RELIEF once I "got that" and how much easier my relationships became (and no doubt how much easier I was to be around) once I gave up all the "shoulds" and just began to put JOY ahead of every other goal. JOY for me. JOY for others. ANY question or choice, my first thought was, what will create the most joy?
Obsessing over what my sister or friends SHOULD do - or SHOULD say... just totally bummed me out, so that was never the choice that would make me (or them) the most joyous. JOY brings the good endorphins that help us heal. Not to mention, the Big C reminds us that our time is limited -- so why waste time feeling crappy? Why not just put ALL focus on the best of Life and let the people in our lives make their own best choices, even if we don't agree or understand (?)
Once you let go of "Should" Life becomes SO easy. You just do what you need to, and every chance you get you remind yourself to Love Your Life... and you start to find ways to re-route the negative impulses into positive ones. No one "makes you feel" anything. They don't make you sad. They don't make you mad. They don't disappoint you. YOUR BRAIN makes up those opinions (sad/mad/disappointed are ONLY thoughts that you yourself create) - and what I have finally learned is that we each have the power to stop choosing "hurt" and begin to choose JOY.
Breast Cancer absolutely changed my Life.
It helped me change from a bitter/demanding/judgmental person (who always felt over-worked and under-appreciated) into an EXTREMELY HAPPY WOMAN. I am now thankful for every blessing in my life. During the treatments I learned to be thankful for the break in-between and the days I felt pretty good. I learned to relax, close my eyes, hear the birds and feel the breeze on my face. I learned to be thankful for the little gestures that DID come my way from family and friends. I learned to be more out-spoken about what I actually really would like from people (small tasks that nearly always were granted because I asked in a non-demanding/un-accusatory way, and accepted "No" graciously, so I could ask again sometime in the future)
Anyway - my very best to you all - Cancer can be such an eye-opener -- it was for me - an incredible chance to change my Life into a HAPPY one.
Hopefully this post will open even one tiny crack in someone's wall of "hurt" -- there are incredibly wonderful moments in life being missed by wasting time on hurt and disappointment.
Love Love Love -- sending nothing but Light and Love.
Linda
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Had a text from my younger sister who I have not heard from in several months after I declined an invitation for window when I might be fitted in to talk with her: after the dog has been to the vets/not then cos she is working/tired/on holiday, but how about 2 days at this time..(small window of opportunity) ... I have barely heard from her all through the treatment and subsequent hospitalization for cellulitis and sepsis following a urine infection. This is in a five year time frame.
She tells me on the text that she has an appointment at the breast clinic next week but she is 'not too concerned about it' but she 'would like chat' I feel she wants to check out my presentation and compare it to what she has; like I am some anatomical dummy to be wheeled out for her; there to reassure her that its all going to be ok for her. but never mind I am stage 3 with a high risk of recurrence.
I am so sick of my family. I told her no I did not want to 'chat with her' and not to text me again. I was shocked how she felt this was ok at all?! I told her not to text me again ever.
Trouble is am I brooding on it now and feel it has wrecked my weekend somewhat
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Wintersocks, You don't know me, but you are one of the people I followed when I was first diagnosed. My mom is English so I like to read about people's experiences there. I understand how you must resent your sister's sudden interest now that she might have BC, but what concerns me is that it is affecting you negatively. Is there a way you could respond, but set the boundaries so that it is on your terms? You might let her know why by saying how much it hurt that she wasn't there for you and that you will answer medical questions through texting, but that is all. That way it benefits you in case she finds out something, such as BRCA testing, etc. My twin sister and I were in an argument when she was diagnosed, but fortunately were able to put that aside and I tried to be there for her, as much as possible. When she became stage 4, I vowed to never argue with her again, and when she passed, my only regret was that I didn't spend more time with her. Just my 2 cents (or pence) 😀, but just wanted to let you know that someone out there cares.
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Jeez Winter just tell the selfish bitch to find her own support and perhaps learn some compassion along the way and then look after yourself......
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Lily
That's exactly what i did. She has barely contacted me since my dx. Unbelievable that she should come to me now especially as she is 'not too concerned'. I had therapy many years ago regarding my family and I decided that it was best for me to stop contact as my mental health was suffering so badly. As soon as I hear from any of them my anxiety and anger ratchets up again. I cannot stand how it stresses me out. as if life is not tough enough without this family crap.
Hope you are doing ok Lily too. we have 'known' each other more than 5 years now. Hasn't it gone fast?
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I think that facing something like this just makes people more of who they truly are: good or bad. I am an only child and my dad passed years ago so that leaves me and my Mom. We live about 4 hours apart. She's in good health, still drives and lives fully independently as she always has. Over the years, I visit her 4-5 times a year on average: she hasn't made the trip down to see me since 2011. After she had to move off her farm in 2013, I bought her a nice house in the Village of her choice near her brother and SIL so she would have walkable company.
I was diagnosed in January. Despite multiple offered to be driven down to see me by family, she didn't actually show up until end of May after I lost my proverbial shit on her about her chronic selfishness . When she showed up, she was clearly in "guest mode" so I had to arrange all meals or take her out. Despite me asking for help with some light chores, she couldn't do anything because "it might bring on a headache". When she left, she apologized for not coming earlier but said she'd definitely be back in a month (ie late June). It's now August and she's never been back. She keeps in touch via FB messenger.
Other close family didn't come to see me until mid April and I didn't get so much as a phone call or a note from others until May. I just had a care package show up from someone last week who I haven't heard from at all.
Other friends drift in and out. I have one who insists she wants to come to my appointments. I gave her my dates in writing multiple times. She chronically forgets and doesn't show up. I have another one who set up a lunch date a few weeks ago and stood me up. I have another one who says he wants to go for dinner and will "circle back" with dates...that was a month ago and he hasn't circled back.
I don't reach out because I fear that now it's me and my plus one: the cheery bag of cancer, every time. Even if we're talking about something completely unrelated (my preference), it just sits there sucking up air. The elephant in the room. I'm sure it's a complete downer to be around me right now.
For some people in my life who have made zero effort, they are in my mental "fuck it" bucket. I will never waste time or emotion on them again.
I'm not sure about the others. I'm pretty hurt by the "what is the least we can do" approach taken by most but understand that it's a game changer and everyone has their own stuff to handle in their own lives.
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I feel for you, artistatheart. It does seem like these are such simple little things we want from others. (I am not a monologist and would quickly turn the convo back to them!) How are things going?
And you Integragirl? Your family's withdrawal sounds like it has been very painful. The situation with your mother sounds terribly painful. How can one expect to be catered to when you are in the midst of all this? So hurtful. I hope there is a way we all can find our own peace and serenity to hold close, even when others showing up. Expectations are killing me faster than anything else.
Everyday I just ask for serenity and to enjoy my time alone, or with strangers that I meet up in the community via volunteering.
Best, Ellie
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And thanks to the posters who said how they handled things, and the reminders about expectations and not having any. As much as I intellectually have grasped this for years (my father died of AIDS and people ran quicker than you could say FIRE!) they reared their ugly heard, I theorize, because I was so scared for year and a half. Make me thinner skinner.
So it isn't always easy to do when there are a bunch of difficult emotions going on. But it is good to read how others benefit by doing it.
Ellie
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I would to mention something regarding a post about joy/happiness, ... . In substance I can agree with these ideas, but what people sometimes, (often really ) first need, when something hurts so much, is to admit the hurt, NAME the hurt, and feel it, before letting it go. A good dose of empathy (hard to find!) even a short little one, it a remarkable healer, and then.... getting to the a place of more serenity.
I'm glad there are places online where people don't have to hide the painful feelings of this nasty diagnosis. Sometimes online is the only place to true honesty, for "keeping it real. "
Serenity is always my goal. And I never, not before this experience, nor after it, would I wish to tell someone else how they should feel.
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My husband left a week after surgery because he couldn’t handle it - left me going through treatment alone with three kids - he came knocking five months later ( gage striggles with drinking as well) staying all kinds of sorry and begging for forgiveness I let him come back - it’s been five months and I realized I will never forgive him and don’t love him - I am so mad at myself for thinkikg this could work - I can’t forgiven him and my entire outlook has changed -it’s all about ourselves now , screen the wimps who couldnt handle it. BC sure does bring perspective
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Sounds like YOU are a much stronger person now - one who can see what is important - and knows her boundaries. Cancer can be a tool that we use to cut through the BS - weed out what hasn't worked for us in life - inspiring us to focus on a brighter and more POSITIVE future. Out with the old - and in with the new - Congratulations on your new clear-er vision!
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My Stepdaughter, whom I am VERY close to disappeared during my treatment. I can’t say it wasn’t a kick in the head emotionally, but in time I came to realize she was only 18 at the time and basically convinced I was going to die...she froze up....she didn’t know what to say or how to deal. We’ve never spoken about it...I don’t want to embarrass her. I know her love will always be there. After this glitch we pulled it back together and resumed our close relationship.
My Aunt is another story. I helped her through a very rough divorce. I helped her through her new husband’s brain cancer and eventual death. I helped her with her angsty teen’s tantrums. I got breast cancer and in the last 5 years didn’t receive a call, letter or card of support. She’s not 18 and frozen, she should have made contact. Period.
Six months ago she was diagnosed with uterine cancer. I sent a her a long letter of support offering help, flowers, Christmas gift. No reply. We were close so I can only assume she’s embarrassed or shamed? No idea and I don’t care to figure it out.
I have too much living to do
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HI BLESSINGS..THE WIERD THING IS I COPIED & PASTED..IT MUST SUCK TO BE THEM..AND I RECENTLY THIS PAST WEEK FOUND IT IN MY SAVED EMAILS..I WAS GOING TO SEND IT TO MY SON.BUT DECIDED NOT TO SEND... WHO I SAW LAST 1 YEAR AGO ON CHRISTMAS DAY WITH HIS WIFE AND MY 2 GRANDCHILDREN..THAT WAS IN 2017... THIS YR HE EMAILED ME THAT THEY WILL BE ON A VACATION FOR XMAS.. HE HAS BEEN NASTY TO ME SINCE MY FIRST CANCER DX . I NOW HAVE HAD 4 DIFFERENT CANCERS..ALL NOT RELATED TO EACH OTHER.. I DID TYPE IN THIS AREA OF BREAST CANCER A FEW YRS BACK..ABOUT MY SITUATION..WELL.. I DECIDED I CANT WIN WITH HIM..I CAN NOT CHANGE HIM..SO I AM NOW MAKING BELIEVE I DO NOT HAVE A SON ANYMORE
..AND MY GRAND KIDS ARE TOTALLY CONTROLLED BY THEIR FATHER AND NOT ALLOWED TO CALL ME OR EMAIL[.. NOTHING.. WELL THIS XMAS ..I DECIDED NOT TO SEND THEM EVEN A CARD [ BOTH TEENAGERS}.. THEY DID SEND ONE TO ME;; I AM NOW GOING TO CONCENTRATE ON GETTING SOME KIND OF HEALTH BACK..AND ALL I GET IS STRESS AND HEART BREAK FROM HIM & HIS WIFE.. I AM ALONE NOW.. MY B/F NO LONGER LIVES WITH ME AND BETTER FOR ME THIS WAY ..BUT WE ARE STILL FRIENDS..ALL OF MY FRIENDS ALL DIED OF DIFFERENT CANCERS OVER THE YEARS..SO IT IS A SAD & LONELY TIME OF YEAR.. BUT I BELIEVE THERE MUST BE MANY OF US OUT THERE THAT HAVE NO FAMILY OR SUPPORT AROUND THEM.. I AM KEPT VERY BUSY WITH MY MANY DRS APPTS... I FEEL THAT MANY OF MY DRS & THEIR NURSES ARE MY TRUE FRIENDS !! ANYWAY AS THAT SAYING GOES.. KARMA IS A BITCH. ****** I JUST WANTED TO WISH ALL OF MY BREAST CANCER SISTERS.. A HEALTHY & HAPPY NEW YEAR AHEAD.. NEVER GIVE UP "HOPE" HUGS TO ALL OF U...HOPEDREAMS XOXO0 -
HI AGAIN..I AM NOW WAITING FOR THE OTHER SHOE TO DROP..WENT FOR MY YEARLY MAMMO & ULTRASOUND LAST MAY.. JUST STARTED MY 6 TH YR OF NO BREAST CANCER..BUT THEY FOUND 2 AREAS OF SUSPICION..I HAD A LUMPECTOMY BUT I REALLY WANTED ANOTHER MASTECTOMY WITH AN INPLANT BUT MY SURGEON REFUSED IT..I AM A HIGH RISK PATIENT WITH FAMILY HISTORY AND MY OWN HISTORY.. I HAVE WHAT THEY CALL PRE CANCER IN WHAT WAS MY GOOD BREAST.. I AM GETTING CHECKED OUT AGAIN NEXT MONTH...FOR SURE I WILL NOT BE SHOCKED IF IT RETURNED.. TIME WILL TELL, HOPEDREAMS..XO
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Hi,
Just found this tread. I was diagnosed in November 2018, had surgery in January and started chemo in February. People were great in the beginning. Sending notes, bringing food, cards, etc. Everyone wanted to meet for coffee or lunch, get updates. Now that I have good days and want to get, a lot of these friends aren't around or don't respond to suggestions for lunch or coffee. Example..."so glad to hear from you, I think of you often. Let's get together for lunch." I respond with potential dates/times (when I know I will feel good) and hear NOTHING in response! I suppose I should concentrate on my wonderful husband who is always there and always giving me support in every way as well as my very good, close friendswho are in touch daily, but it still hurts.
Also, I have a sister who went through cancer a few years ago (uterine) who expressed that she wanted daily phone calls. Prior to that I had been calling or visiting her several times a week, every couple of days, so I started calling her every night to check in. I haven't heard from her in almost 2 weeks! Not a word.
I've decided I'm going to spend my time with my husband and those who reach out to me but it still stings. I will wait for everyone else to reach out. No more updates to the masses. Anyone who wants to know can reach out to me.
Thanks for having a place for me to vent!
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I wanted to share my misguided and terrible reasoning (in retrospect) of why I didn't reach out to others who were suffering either with serious illness or a death in their life. This was before my own diagnosis, and my experiences now of dealing with friends and family who seem to pretend nothing has happened. In self reflection of how I behaved in the past, I realize now how wrong I was and I feel terrible for it, and I am fixing it!
Before my dx, when a friend/ loved one of mine experienced a loss or medical crisis, I felt like I would be the last person they would want to hear from. I felt like I would be invading, that I was an outsider and I needed to give them space. I didn't have the foggiest idea of what to say to them as I know people who have lost someone get sick of hearing "I'm sorry for your loss", same goes for being ill. etc. I didn't want to add to the irritation and thoughtless comments they received, so I didn't say anything even though I longed to know how they were doing, to express my love and concern but was unsure if they would want me to bother them. I didn't want to be intrusive. It wasn't because I didn't care, I really wanted to do the "right" thing by them, and honestly thought keeping out of their hair while their more important friends and family helped them was best for them. I would send a card, but couldn't bring myself to "bother" them directly. I know how ridiculous that sounds, but the way I behaved came from a place of love, although it was so misguided.
I was so wrong in my thinking. Since then I have radically changed how I show my love and support to others who are suffering. After a friend of a friend's son was in a terrible motorcycle accident (I barely know the family) I made 4 meals for them the same night I heard the news and brought them to the hospital the next day. My SIL also was recently dx with BC and I hope I'm not annoying the heck out of her with my texts and calls just to check on her and ask her how she's doing. She always says she's doing well, but I hope it helps her to know I really do care and I'm going to express that even at the risk of annoying her a little.
Blessings, love and healing to all of you.
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CleoKeep - What a great post - and since Life is about Learning Lessons - how wonderful that you not only learned yours, but thought to share it here, where it can help others
GonnaBeatThis - Just try to stay focused on the positive. And remember that people you love have their own complicated lives and on-going challenges, which they probably aren't sharing with you right now, because they know you have your hands full with your treatments and healing... For instance- I noticed that my own sister wasn't very "available" during my 2 years of surgeries/treatments/therapy and healing process, but LATER I learned her husband had relapsed with his alcoholism... and she didn't want to burden me with her problems... so she stayed distant...
Just saying- that we can't possibly know what is going on in the minds of these "missing" friends (until they decide to share it with us) and the choice to stay open to "they must have a good reason" instead of jumping to disappointment or assigning blame... keeps the best/most-healing chemicals circulating in our bodies... and leaves the door open for better communication with these currently-absent friends in the future. Or - maybe we will never be as close to them again - but worrying about it now serves no purpose and only makes us feel worse. "Venting" (I have come to believe) only enforces our negative feelings, and feeds the "right" to "feel hurt". To STOP thinking about it - to consciously choose to turn our attention to noticing the BEST things (even just appreciate a clean/fresh breeze in the trees, or the beautiful smile on a stranger's face) is so FREE-ING.
Cancer has given me the opportunity to become a lighter and less-judgmental person. Choosing to focus on the best of the things/people in my Life, and letting "less-than-perfect" things/people slide into the "un-noticed" and "un-important" (rather than festering on disappointment and assumptions) actually was a HUGE Life-skill that my healing-time awarded me... and now that I am MORE THAN FIVE YEARS CANCER-FREE (WHOO-HOO!) I can absolutely say I am the happiest I have EVER BEEN - and part of that is just the (new) habit of looking for the best - intentionally over-looking the negative, and focusing my attention on the beauty of nature, JOY and love wherever it currently is available
I wish you all the best of luck with your health - and through this cancer that you develop your own new-found path to happiness
Linda
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Linda- Your post is such good advice! Thank you for sharing your perspective, and congratulations on passing the 5 year mark cancer free! This discussion reminds me of a saying I heard somewhere, but can't remember where. "Holding onto a grudge or being unforgiving is like holding your breath and waiting for the person you are upset with to pass out." It demonstrates how those feelings only really hurts US. I have to admit, I need to work on this as well, as I have had friends and family flake out on me, and it's most hurtful from my children. But I try to not focus on those feelings and let it go. It has to be a conscious choice and something to work on every day.
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