How to forgive family/friends who disappeared during cancer....
Comments
-
I just want to say I am VERY POSITIVE and have been through this entire process! I am also a pretty happy person, I’m not festering in disappointment and I don’t hold grudges. I was sharing how I felt disappointed about something that happened with 3 different people in a matter of days. Disappointment is a human emotion and I’m human. When I see or hear from my friends or sister I will be happy to catch up, I’ll just wait for them to reach out to me.
Maybe I was a having a bad day, but I thought that was what this forum was about. For me, venting actually helps me let these things go, As I stated, I am going to continue to concentrate on my husband and good friends for support and not have any expectations from others.
0 -
Gonnabeatthis- I am so very sorry that what I said came across as a comment directed at you. I honestly didn’t mean it directed to anyone. You have every right to feel disappointed. I guess when I said the part about holding grudges hurts us, I was reminding myself of that, as I’m struggling to let go of my own disappointment with my daughter. Please, forgive me for offending you. That’s the last thing you need to be feeling on top of everything else you are dealing with
0 -
There are two differing approaches to negativity or disappointment. One is to think happy thoughts and one is to vent. Guess what, there is evidence that both work! Ideally, we encompass both. So please accept both strategies. But be very sensitive to advise when persons just need to vent. It is difficult not to be about ourselves. It gets easier. So many posters are still writing about themselves when others are looking for support. But we are all in the same damn boat. Whether happy or miserable or any where in between, we are together whether or not we want to be. So lets make it easier for each other.
0 -
cleokeep70,
Thank you, yesterday was a little stressful (buzzed my hair). I felt that I was being lectured to or admonished for having feelings that weren't 100% positive.
My apologies for the misunderstanding
0 -
TB90- I'll be more careful to not post about myself. I was only trying to help.
Gonnabeatthis- I'm sorry you are going through this. I hope things get better for you very, very soon.
0 -
GonnaBeatThis: Sorry I made it worse - I was attempting to offer a new point of view that could potentially remove stress... not create more for you
Yes - I was posting about my OWN changes - truly (for me) my "epiphanies"... they were THAT powerful in MY life - Anyone who knew me 8 years ago would be stunned to see me now - I smile all the time, and from a deep inner happiness that I never knew was possible back when I was always looking for faults in myself and others. I was a total drag... truly depressed and constantly "let down" - because that is what I was looking for! (to be clear - I am NOT saying that is what you are doing... it was the way **I** was... and what a blessing that I stumbled into a way to finally let that negative way-of-looking-at-my-world go Learning to look for the good stuff and ignore the disappointments has been LIFE CHANGING FOR ME.
In fact, I thought your original post showed only a little (perfectly "normal") aggravation, not signs of "festering" - The strong words were description of the "old me" - not you, and sorry I wasn't more clear. I guess my point was that if I can change so dramatically simply by focusing my attention on the best parts of my life... that it clearly doesn't take a genius
If I can do it (and I have! then anyone can - and THAT is the good news I was attempting to share. A tool for the cancer-fighter's tool box To anyone here fighting cancer - We have the power to redirect our thoughts and consciously CHOOSE our focus (and mood). I think this is a powerful idea that can seriously help in healing... science shows that our brain produces chemicals that affect happiness: dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, and endorphins - my point is that creating these POSITIVE chemicals (by keeping critical/negative worries at bay, and looking for things to be happy about) can actually not only give us a more pleasant experience of life (EVEN THROUGH PAIN AND ILLNESS) but (I believe) these natural drugs actually help us to heal ourselves.
We all only see the world through our own filter... so sharing ourselves here (in "support") by "talking about ourselves" and some of the helpful lessons we learned to get through similar tough times is (from my POV) really the only way that we can contribute. Being an audience to someone's pain without offering a potential new approach to dissipate the pain - I guess I don't see the sense in it.
But - if everything happens for a reason (which I like to think it does) then maybe this new conversation (about sensitivity, etc) and also about the reminder that we all have the power to choose our thoughts and where we focus our attention... will fall on the "right" ears,
Whether all this was for the original poster or not... these threads last a long time, and potentially will help SOMEONE along the way
My best to all - I am off to take a hike (my favorite de-stressing technique!)
Linda
0 -
No need to apologize to me. My post was not directed to anyone in particular. Just my experience in helping hundreds of people throughout my career and learning something along the way. Talking about ourselves is crucially important. Helping others is about timing and sensitivity to their situation. Just think of some of the most hurtful or insensitive things people have said to you. They were also probably just talking about themselves. Sometimes we need support. Sometimes we offer it. Sometimes it does not work well together.
0 -
Thank you Linda and TB90. My state of mind yesterday wasn’t the best. My hairdresser gave me a cute 1/2 all over haircut (she used scissors rather than clippers). I’ve actually had complements on it today! Note to self, maybe take a day off or re-read later before reacting when in that frame of mind. 😕
I am continuing to grow and change. Yesterday was rough but my inner circle has been great. I began making changes to my attitude over 10 years ago (I was pretty unhappy, negative and I’m sure, not very fun to be around). Each day just gets better as I take time to appreciate everything I have and worry only about what I can control (mostly my attitide).
Thanks all for your support and clarification. Truly appreciate it
0 -
I can chime in here on this long post.
My first BC dx - I was stunned, literally stunned, at the lack of compassion or attention or care from my mother, my sisters, my husband. I had stage 3 BC, went thru surgery, chemo, rads and then a hysterectomy/oophorectomy without family support. My husband said I was "fine". My sister who I thought I was closest too said when I told her my diagnosis "why are you so upset, it will take a couple of years to kill you". My mother, who I thought I was very close to, never called to see how I was, never asked. The family planned a wedding for my youngest sister (they do live in another province) and wondered why and were mad that I couldn't fly out to attend when when I was 8 weeks deep into clinical trial chemo. I went to chemo with the Cancer society driver who would sit with me. Other chemo patients had family and/or friends there. Every single one. I was sent to a social worker for lack of support.
I contrasted this with support I received from my father. I had been estranged from my father since I was a teenager. I was 41 first time I was diagnosed. I didn't call him to tell him I had BC. Why would I? Anyways, he called EVERY WEEK just to see how I was. My sister told him I had BC. We didn't have a deep conversation. He lived in another province. But to hear the concern in his voice buoyed me up. Plus, after my chemo and rads were over, he flew out to see me. He stayed a few days. No big deal. But it was obvious he cared. I didn't need him to cater to me. I didn't him to give me money. I didn't need anything from him except to validate that he knew I was in bad shape. He didn't try to cheer me up. He didn't say "keep strong". Nothing. Just his presence mattered.
Fast forward to my second dx of BC. This time I was prepared for no support. My expectations were very low. By this time, my father had passed away from lung cancer. And true to form, the rest of my family again showed no concern. They have never asked how I am. They don't call. My husband is more attuned because of the upheaval in our marriage the last bout caused. But I wouldn't say he is the best. He is not compassionate or worried. He does not give me validation. He wonders why I have 'changed" etc. But now I expected that and its okay.
My sister in law was dx with BC for the first time a few times after I was dx the second time. When I had cancer the first time, she said to me " I believe that cancer is to wean out the weak in our society". Wtf?? She once tried to get me to be the BC posterchild for her cancer fundraising job without telling me. Invited me to an event, pulled me up to the podium and without talking it over with me first, told the crowd how I had survived BC and now was giving back. I ran out of that room sobbing. So now, she has BC and is freaked out, just like the rest of us. Its all about her. She even said to me "you don't know what its like.." WTF again? But, I have compassion for her because I do know what its like. And I am there for her. But I expect nothing from her for me. I see who she really is.
The moral of all this.... I am at peace. I forgive. It is too stressful on me to dwell on the hurt of it all. I move forward and live my life. I know people are well "complicated and selfish and self-absorbed and have problems of their own". I expect nothing. And for that I am better off. I think its a blessing to learn people suck sometimes. But it did take me many many years to get here.
wallan
0 -
Wallan,
Wow! People have been more than insensitive towards you, they have been cruel. I find that forgiveness brings me peace as well, but I don’t always invite the people back in, at least not as closely.
Best to you always
0 -
Let me guess wallan: you are the highest functioning one in the whole crew! What a den of narcissists!
I'd guess you're 'Marilyn Munster' -- as I call my dear friend who has a similarly-horrific family to yours. I have known her for 43 years, and she is PURE gold, funny, loyal, honest, real...I've adored her since age 14 with no real fallings-out between us in all that time.... Anyway, her family also treats her like complete crap, and she (I'm guessing like you) takes the high road nonetheless. t is a blow to the spirit to endure this treatment, especialy from somene who should be caring and supportive. By being a good person, you can even make it worse, because they discharge shame by blaming people who rise above. Here's what I see with her... By virtue of being evolved, forgiving, aware and empathetic, and generally being very high functioning, she (weirdly) became the scapegoat. She "showed everyone else up" so to speak, simply by surviving and thriving with zero help-- by putting herself through school, having three incredibly successful careers, raising good kids, etc. They scapegoated THAT person-- that every healthy parent hopes their kid will be! Not that she wanted to show off, either-- but she just outshone everyone due to her natural self. That is so through the looking glass.
You sound like you have done a lot of evolving past your origins... Good choice!!
0 -
I had a younger brother and his spouse that were largely absent for me and then my when she got sick. He was disrespectful to her during visits because new cancer patients don't need to be told they are dying. He also does not believe I am sick even though I have had surgeries, brain radiation and ongoing treatment. When my mother passed away, he and his wife were extremely verbally abusive to me. I severed ties, when I advised they will not hear from me again, he said "whatever". That told me everything I needed to know. I don't wish him harm but I refuse to deal with them. When I move in April, they will not be told where. The only loss I feel is my nephew and his son. That makes me sad but I cannot chance my brother getting involved. He is verbally abusive and I am afraid of him and his wife. I told my older brother that he may be informed once I die. I may not even have my family tell him I am gone. I think he would be happy I am dead. Maybe then he would believe that my cancer was real. Thanks for letting me talk.
I will say my older brother is helping me a lot. His family helps me too. I decided that I only have one brother now. When you are terminal you have to look after yourself and stress. People with any stage of this disease need to look after ourselves. We need to build up supports both professional and with other supportive people. It balances out and allows a person to let go of toxic people, even when it's family. This board is helpful too.
0 -
Hey there:
Im sorry for anyone who has to endure abuse or being ignored or just not being recognized or treated with compassion for being sick. It does suck, especially if you expect support. I was told people sometimes just can't handle the thought of losing you, so they disappear. Well, so be it.
Since my first BC dx, I pretty much cut ties with my family, except for a few important events like weddings, graduations of nieces and nephews. I always felt guilty because I was blamed for that. It was evident at these special events. But now, I know I have to put the focus on me and my life.
I am better for it.
wallan
0 -
One of the difficult parts of the process for me when I got my first DX was dealing with people. Best friend of 20+ years living closest to me I don't know that I ever got a phone call. One brother not a word. Having to put energy into making others feel better. Some people telling me I looked liked like shit and was wasting away as I'd lost a lot of weight. A couple of people who would comment when I was out with my wig on how it's weird that I'm bald underneath the hair. People's stories of the people they knew who were doing great and three months later were gone. Then the comments on what I should shouldn't be eating. All the miracle cures such as eating flaxseeds or whatever. Some mean well. I could go on and one.
Then there so many other random people in my life that I didn't expect who stepped up and were so supportive. I had a recurrence in 2005 and decided to keep the DX private. I limited to a handful of very close confidantes. Third time and I'm stage IV. Definitely kept that to a small group. I've led a fairly normal life for the past three years since DX. When I initially told a counselor she asked was I being set up with hospice!
Bottom line is difficult issues bring out the worst and best in people. Similar experiences with my divorce a few years ago. Two best friends of 30+ years basically vanished. Just have to forgive and move on.
0 -
I, too, have an only son who is married with twin daughters, age 12, who has not had anything to do with me, his mom and his dad, since 2015 for reasons we do not understand. I left my son a vm when I was diagnosed with invasive ductal breast cancer, had a bilateral mastectomy on May 20, 2019, Sentinel node and 3 other nodes were removed as well.....I never heard anything from our son who is 42 and lives about 1 hour away from us. Since coming home from the surgery I have been very depressed, crying and have been on an antidepressant and anxiety medication for over 30 years. I just do not understand why I am so depressed and crying being home only since Tuesday afternoon, May 21, 2019. I haven't even begun to take any hormone medication, what will I be when I do start taking any hormone medication.....need to discuss this with my breast cancer surgeon whom I see on Wed., May 29,, 2019.
Thank you from anyone who reads my post any well meaning suggestions what I may do to lift my depression and crying for my son not caring at all about me nor his dad in my serious cancer diagnosis.
0 -
Hi Bevemar I can relate totally.. but I do not have a husband..and split up with my live in b/friend about 3 yrs ago... but I still can not understand my one and only child..my son..who will turn 50 soon.. I saw him last for about an hour last July 2018 when he met me to lease a new car..I needed his advise..which I did not get..next day I had called him with a question about my brand new car..omg he was totally annoyed.. said not to ever bother him again.. I had also said..my first trip will be up to visit them at their home..he then said NEVER.. U ARE NOT INVITED.. He had been horrible to me for many yrs.in & out of their lives... I have had 4 different cancers all not related to each other.. and many surgeries. I no longer even tell him or his wife what is going on with me.. and what hurts the most is my 2 grand children are not allowed to call me or email me..and I was never given their phone #s or emails.. only email is my sons. as of this past Christmas of 2018 I decided..for the very 1st time..I am not sending any X Mas cards to any of them.. I decided to just stop trying to be the perfect grandma .& MOTHER WHY BOTHER?. the kids are afraid of dis obeying their father.. totally afraid to contact me.. they are now teen agers..and should be able to stand up for them selves.. but he tracks every thing they do.. same with his wife.. I never hear from her either..I have some very bad days.. of depression.. that I have NO family.. and the saddest thing is I no longer have any friends..they all died from different cancers over the years.. I I do have neighbors.. in a big apartment building..but I never shared with any of them that I ever had any cancer.. they are just nosey people. also I fell and demolished my hip a few years ago.. had many surgeries for that..but need to use a rollator to walk with when I go out.. I limp around my apartment.. what really gets me.. I could be laying here dead and my son would never even know..he has many tracking devices that he has to know where and what they are doing..at all times. [retired detective] well just needed to vent.. it's memorial day weekend and I sit here wondering..?? why and how did this happen?? I was the best mother I could be as he was growing up.. I did it all by myself..His father had nothing to do with him.. and got divorced when he was 1 yr old.. all of a sudden his father entered his life when he was about 22 yrs old.. and became his HERO.. thank God his dad passed away many yrs ago.. sounds awful.. but he poisened my son with lies about me.. any way this past spring was my birthday NO card or call or text from them.. then Mothers Day.. nothing again.. so I just have to go on..and forget about all of them..it makes me very sad..but I had ENOUGH..!! I know I am a good person..and I refuse to go in & out of their lives anymore.. yes I use to be invited for bbq..when they felt like it.. but never invited for kids graduations or holidays.. sorry I am now rambling .. and Yes still surviving all of my cancers and fractured hip..I guess this is how the rest of my life will be.. no family & no friends.. not easy... bye for now.. Hope ** I hope my story can help others in a similar situation.. and It sure SUX...
0 -
There are alot of emotionally painful posts on this thread. I wish comfort and relief to all of you. Both my husband and I and his sister have been I guess ghosted by my husband's brother. We are planning a trip this summer to the East coast and in the past have always stayed with his brother. Well this time when we said were coming back there was silence. So we told the brother we were coming to go to husband's 50th HS reunion. My husband finally says well I hope we can atleast meet up for dinner. My husband's sister has invited us to stay with them. She also has been given the cold shouldered by the brother. My husband has tried repeatedly to find out what we did to upset him. The brother insists it is nothing.
It is upsetting to me we were really close to the brother and his wife and pow. I guess we just have to let it go.
0 -
Bevemar, I am holding your hand in spirit. You've been through a lot and it is hard. Leaving the issue with your son aside, you have not had enough time to absorb anything. You will not always feel this way but it will take time.
I will echo what I said above, build support within with your husband. Allow him to care for you. You need to focus on you. Allow someone else to talk to your son about being. He will be there or not. You need to stick with your circle right now. If necessary, ask for a social worker, seek out support groups as well. It is beneficial to you and can help your caregivers as well. Your husband can find caregiver support.
As far as the abandonment of you by your son, it is not the time to deal with him. Give yourself time to get to a better mental position before dealing with that.
I can definitely empathize with having family disappear and it is difficult. I will be thinking of you.
0 -
Hopedreams I totally understand your post as I have not spoken to or heard from my only child for seven years, contact stopped three months after my first diagnosis. But in fact he started withdrawing as soon as he met the woman he married and has not been in touch with any of the family at all..... I am now stage four and people have told me I should contact him but I am not going to. I have also left instructions that he is not to be informed of my death or funeral.
But I have to say my husband died recently and my adult stepsons have been incredibly supportive to me and I realized I had shut them out to a certain extent....and since my stage 4 diagnosis they continue to be.....I am saying this as I hear you shutting people out even before you know them.....don't let your child limit the rest of your life, yes being open is s risk, but the benefits are amazing......I wish I had done it earlier as we all missed out on a lot.
Also you have friendly support here....and maybe there is a breast cancer support group near you,? You are worth more......
0 -
Hi Lilly..thanks for your input.. I feel like I am the only mother going thru this..and yes.. my son also started most of this withdrawal from me when he met his girl friend that became his wife.. but then he had me in & out of their lives for past 20 yrs..I talked about this to a so called friend who supposedly has the most wonderful relationships with her 5 sons.. but I do not know if what she tells me is all true..since I have not seen her in a few yrs. she even said my son is making a fool out of me.. but doesn't matter what anyone says..the HURT IS SO DEEP..& PAINFUL.. i am sorry to hear the loss of your husband.. but glad U have stepsons that care about you.. I also read your post about your ER visit.. that had to be frightening.. I am not on any hormone therapy for my breast cancer..and was lucky to not have to have chemo or rads.. but I did have issues with my " good breast" last year.. I had pre cancer. and had a lumpectomy last June.. then got a seroma after that.. I had it drained.. but always worried if cancer will be in the so called good breast.. I really wanted to have a mastectomy again..but my surgeon refused to do it.. seems like they are now doing lumectomys instead?/ why I don't know.. my breast surgeon never put me on any hormone therapy like most of you are all on.. I think its because I have a compromised immune system.[ chronic disease] will tell U more privately... from before I ever had cancer. and I didnt go for genetic testing either.. I could have..but have been too busy with other dr appointments and my migraine headaches big surgeries over the years and smaller ones.. and didnt want extra trips for genetic tests.. all of my drs watch me like a hawk.. which I know they mean well.. but that is now my life... dr appointments non stop..since I have so many drs..but luckily all at the same cancer center..Lilly is that pic on your profile your cat?? well I have a cat that looks soo much like that one... she is a snow shoe seal point siamese.. my love.. she is my BFF and I know she worries about me all of the time..and is the sweetest.. I thank GOD for her everyday..I hope we can stay in touch..and I wish you the best..if you want to you can send me private emails on this site.. I would be happy to hear from you..please take care..and as I keep telling myself KARMA IS A BITCH.. BUT WHAT DO I REALLY KNOW..?? NOTHING
AND I REFUSE TO TRY TO MAKE PEACE WITH HIM AT THIS POINT IN MY LIFE.. HE WILL HAVE TO COME TO ME.. I KNOW I DID NOTHING WRONG.. I tried so many times.. enough is enough !! bye for now..~Hope xo0 -
Hi Hope
Sorry for delay in replying.....happy to communicate privately but I am not on here a lot at the moment as my energy is very erratic xx
0 -
HI LILLY ITS OK.. I UNDERSTAND.. MY ENERGY UP & WENT ALSO.. IF I GO OUT ONE DAY..I AM BACK IN BED FOR ABOUT 2 DAYS TO RECOUP.. LET ME KNOW HOW YOUR TREATMENTS ARE GOING WHEN U ARE UP TO IT.. TAKE CARE.. HUGS ~HOPE XO PLUS I HAVE HAD TOOOO MANY DR APPTS LATELY.. JUST FOLLOW UPS.. BUT STILL IS A PAIN GOING..
0 -
People I used to work with act like I am dead. Not one word from any of them. I wish I never told anyone I had cancer. I had to tell them something when I had my surgeries but I really wish I had been vague about what was happening. I worked with hundreds of other engineers who I knew for almost my entire 35 year career.
Even after reaching out to them via phone and LinkedIn my communications are ignored. Very stramge I am not "sick" at all maybe aged a little more than normal. I have been NED ever since my mastectomy. I was close to many of these people. As I am writing this one person has sent me a happy birthday message can't believe it, maybe I can since their birthday is at the end of May and I always send them a happy birthday email.
This disappearing phenomenon is real.
0 -
Yes it's real but it's about them not about us.
Sad to be so disappointed with people we care/d about.....
0 -
Happy Birthday Meow13!!!
0 -
Thanks
0 -
Hsppy Birthday Meow......hope you celebrated in your favourite way xxx
0 -
Thank you Lily hope you are feeling better.
0 -
Vent away! Please. I did so here a few times. No responses really but I just needed to vent. So don't feel bad.
What feels bad is when we have strong feelings and others tell us in various ways to SURPRESS them as they are UNCOMFORTABLE with FEELINGS. I heard a say in program: "Feelings are not facts" It means they are real but they dont LAST FOREVER>
We live in a culture sadly where often, we need to apologize for feelings. My famiily left me for having "FEELINGS" during cancer.
Excuse. I love my feelings. K
0 -
I think a lot of people who we used to see regularly but no longer do (like former co-workers) assume that if you're not undergoing current treatment, you're doing okay unless you tell them otherwise. I get more upset with family who never ask so much as "How ya doing?" I don't bring it up, except for when I had to have a biopsy in April, I mentioned it to my sister afterward, and she said "I thought you were done with all that stuff," like I was milking the situation.
0
