Maybe a dumb flat question?
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Hey DP, don't you be feeling bad about talking about how you're feeling here. We all want to be sounding boards for you, really truly! Unload on us whenever you want!
I think the dogs are probably detecting the change in your feelings, they are very perceptive. You're probably running on a bit more adrenaline after that visit too. They will settle, when you feel more grounded. M x
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DP, I pictured you for a mint chocolate chip girl! I'm telling you we Are related.
Although I am more of a maple walnut chick.
All joking aside :
DP
There is strength in numbers...we will be your strength when you feel weak. We will envelope you with our love. We are your soft place to fall. So cry, or scream, or curse the heavens....we can take it, anytime you need us to. And we will be there when you beat the crap out of this!!!
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DP, Don't worry about doom and gloom. Talk about whatever you're feeling. We're here to listen. I feel honored that you're willing to share with us. Lymph nodes swell up when they're fighting off something. Remember how the ones in your throat swell up with a sore throat. It means they're busy doing their job. How are the dogs acting weird? Avoiding you? Wanting to be on your lap despite their size? They're probably just picking up on your concern. I hope your have a good night's sleep and feel more hopeful in the morning. Hugs.
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My lymph nodes in my armpit were 3 cm. I didn't notice. There's less fat on your chest so you probably do feel them. Imagine them shrinking when you do chemo. I thought about pacman chomping away.
I'm sure the dogs are picking up on your stress. Could be the weather too. Do they mind storms? Maybe they need ice cream too! My Walmart carries frosty paws.
We are honored that you share your feelings with us. Stage IV is different and we've become very close to these women on this thread. They are our new family and get it.
It's your "thread" and you can cry if you want too. Get that song stuck in your head.
Tried to visit another dog but she wouldn't come out of her cage. Have emails out to three others. One is heart worm positive. See if anyone responds.
Going to PT this am and then therapy. No stage IV support group in town. Three big cancer centers, one NCI, and no support group? WTF. Wonder if I should go to anger mgmt.
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good morning ladies. Tea time. The weatherman is in big trouble here today. He's been ecstaticly telling us for a week about the rain and cold front that was coming last night. It's 5 am and almost 90. He's in there back peddling away and talking about snow in Denver. Thanks Evan I really want to hear about snow. He's looking for rain towards Friday now but he doesn't sound so sure of himself.
The dogs have been acting really sad. Last week Reggie was mopey and wouldn't eat. I was thinking to take him to the vet but bond started trying to get him excited at night and he perked up a bit and started eating again. They walk 5 miles twice a day. I wondered if the heat has just got him down. But the last few days they look at me funny and want to put their head in my lap. Which isn't common for them. I considered that my just being here all day is different to their schedule. Not that they do anything but sleep all day.
Went to bed early last night. Decided to watch a movie and did my zombie half awake sleep. I felt like I could actually sleep but I don't think I did. Still feeling tired this morning so I am going to at least lay back down for a while and see what happens. I laid awake forever this mornkng waiting on my 5am alarm for pills. I was sure it was nearly 5. Finally got up. It was 3:50. Lol.
Today is going to be a better day. I gave myself a day for sadness and now it's time to get back in the game. Since it's so early, we won't count my tears this morning from reading all of your wonderful supportive messages. You are all such a bright spot in my world. :-)
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anger management could be better than support group. Lol. I was kind of shocked at the lack of varied groups. I'm in the middle of multiple huge cities with so many cancer hospital and charities. The only bc groups are all very pink. Very very pink. Even before I couldn't picture myself there talking about hair and recon and lunches. I couldn't find one stage IV group any where. There is one in Austin which is the one on pink ribbons inc. It's just kind of weird because you know there are so many women living with this.
Good luck at PT.
I can't believe none of the puppies want to talk to you!
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Good Morning you two! You're up early, I am getting ready to go to bed.
"It's your thread and you can cry, if you want to!" I love you Zills! That's going to be stuck in my head now!
I just keep thinking that there is going to be a great dog that will show up for you Zills.
How are the fighting twosome today? Is the black eye subsiding?
I am surprised that there aren't any support groups available for either of you. I guess it is because we are a small town that ours is well established. It is a little break away group, not connected to the 2 big, long established ones in the next big town. I don't like the name "PInk Ladies" ugghh, but we have several stage lV ladies, along with every other Dx, age and stage.There were about 10 members when I started going, less than 2 years ago and now we have 22. There isn't any Pink nonsense at all and we often have a whole meeting, where there isn't even any mention of BC.
I know I could have moved on from there, by now, but I really like these women and I would prefer to stay as part of a support network, where I feel I fit in. I have always done some kind of volunteer work, but none that I have connected so well with. It's weird, but I am kind of in limbo. Not in a bad way, just different.
Stay cool DP, and Zills, I hope your appointments go well. Love you both...Moira xxx
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It's strange M, isn't it, others saying good morning when we are yawning, getting ready for bed? Xx
DP, I agree with everyone else, you vent away! We wish we could support you in person, this is the next best thing, you say whatever you want, whenever you want, we are here for you. And, that's right, nothing that early in the morning counts for anything! Hope you were able to get a little more sleep. Xx
Zills, I hope your day is good also, WTF's up with having no support group nearby?! Hope you find a four legged friend soon. I also thought that kids always wanted a puppy. Xx
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Sleep tight Dawn! xxx
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Nighty night, hope the bed bugs don't bite! Eewww
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ND: Link to the How we got cancer thread,,,, it's funny.
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Great visual, Zills,,, wow,, tiny frog.
Ice cream is good advice!! DP: do not worry about "doom and gloom" we are here for you. Vent all you want.
Maybe the dogs sense your sadness. Rocco used to be really sensitive that way.
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I hate it when I don't read all the posts, and start replying!
We seem to only have one support group here too, and it meets on Monday nights, when I work. I took off from work once to go, but I didn't feel like I meshed with them. They have all known each other for a long time and they are pretty pink also. I feel a lot more support here from you ladies and the ladies I talk to over on the lymphedema threads.
I hope you get a break in the weather DP,,, It was a tad cooler here this am. Got Princess Ava to walk 2 whole blocks! But 90's are forecast for the next eternity.
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Good morning all, Zills: the song is now stuck in my head!! thanks, song from my teen years.. that is dating me isnt it? Good luck on finding a dog just right for you.
DP, thinking of you all the time, no support group in my area either but no surprise as we are so rural, you gals are all my therapy.. you should all be getting the big bucks for being my phychiatrist! Dogs are so sensitive and pick up on vibes. Wow they really walk alot, I should be with them HA! hoping today is a good one for you!! and everyone else.
Thanks Glennie, for the thread, fun reading.
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well Evan is just a mess today. After all the hemhaw this mornjng about now no chance at all of rain today, it started thundering like crazy and rained for two hours. The cool front didn't come with it though. So now it's just humid. Cloudy and a spot cooler though. Then grandma just said there was an earthquake in a nearby city this morning and she felt it. Evan never mentioned that this morning when he was dancing. Strange. Thinking on going inside and giving myself a pedi. My feet are trashed. Have not needed any bug spray in a week so it should be safe. All the bug sprays literally melt the polish into grossness and then the pool puts a nice layer of white on top.
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DP, The dogs are giving you dog hugs. Just tell them thanks and they're good dogs.
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Hi DP! Dr. Z gives such good advice as usual. I always do exactly what she advises.
My dog acted strangely too for a long while, and it made me feel so bad. I know how you feel. Wren is right: they are good dogs. I am so glad they are giving you hugs.
Back to the fight, huh? We are here to fight with you. Z, you're thinking of anger management? Maybe they will let you beat the shit of something. I think they might have big paddles and pillow-type things there..
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3 to go. Get to do one on Saturday so Monday should be done. Scheduled new port placement 5:30 weds morning. Then over to start chemo at 12:30. That's going to be a long day. I'm not thrilled with using the thing the same day. I swear my port surgeries were harder on me than bmx for some reason. They may only twilight me this time because of the swelling. So it could get real interesting.
Had a nice lunch with grandparents. Grandpa was kind of scaring me acting real funny for him. They have had so much bad things happening in the last few weeks. I know grandma got real upset seeing me sad yesterday. Among other things gone wrong, my mom had neck surgery last year and they just discovered that it never healed and all the screws are loose and not sure what's going to happen there. I told them that I wanted them to stop being so upset about me because I can feel that this will work and all I have to focus on now is fighting it. I hate them having to drive from Dallas to Fort Worth every day to cart me around. They don't have the finances now and they don't let me pay for anything unless I am real quick and sneaky. The every day stuff should be ending soon though.
And there's all my mental vomit for today I guess. Hope everyone had a good day!
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Morning DP, 3 to go, you are nearly finished, yay! Your day is going to start at 5:30? Well, earlier than that. How far away from the hosp are you? We don't like putting other people out, have them drive us around, but your grandparents probably feel good that they are able to help you with something. They sound like such good people. Sorry about your mums neck problems. I need to go get ready, would much rather stay here in bed, and talk to you! Take care. D. Xx
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good morning dawny. I love you and arioms schedule. Lol. Not too far from hospital and since I can't sleep past 3 these days it should be ok. It will just end up long after being poked and cut and poisoned all day. But I am looking forward to it!
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Go DP go! You are a rock star. I will be in the bag. Who knows? Such a crapful day may turn out to have many small treats and mercies within it. At least that's what I think to myself when I'm up against it! Your grandparents sound wonderful, I want to kiss them! XXXX
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Hey there girls! Good to see you all here this morning.
DP, big hugs to your wonderful grandparents, I think they are just so wonderful. I love to hear about them. I never really knew any of mine. Dawny is right, they would be upset if they couldn't do this for you. I know it is hard for you seeing them upset, but as you said, they have been through a lot recently.
I am so pleased to hear that you are getting everything done pronto, but thinking about you being poked, cut and poisoned all in the same day breaks my heart, but I am in the bag, we'll all, be in the bag. I am open to any suggestions, as to what I should bring along, for the long day. Zills will be sleeping on my shoulder, Bobo likes a Beer, but we have to watch she doesn't get drunk and beligerent. Bring a big bag for all of us,it will be a big day!
I am sorry to hear of your Mother's neck problems, just how does that shit happen? Loose screws?
Poor Evan, the weather man, how do they get it so wrong? It must be a disappointing job to have when you are constantly being jibed for the wrong weather report. They are the same everywhere.
I hope you are all having a nice evening, just as Dawny and I are getting into our day! Hugs M x
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Weds will be a big day. Fortunately it's my day off, so I got all day to be in the bag. What shall I bring? I found these spinach and kale corn chips (crisps) that are really tasty and healthy,,, veggies in them!! And they go so well with the Newman's mango salsa. Probably go well with beer too.DP: your grandparents are really sweet. Oh course, they don't want you to pay for anything. My grandma was like that too. I'd call her long distance and she'd send me $5 in the mail! Slip a twenty in Grandma's purse. That is sucky news about your Mom's neck. What will they do now? Sounds kinda awful. Loose screws in neck. Yikes!
I hope Dawny and M have a lovely day. The work computer is sort of better,, not really well,, but functioning better than Tues,, so that's a relief. Tonight and tomorrow night and then the weekend off. **whew** can't wait.
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Glennie, Are the spinach and kale crisps from Trader Joe's? If so, I think they're super tasty.
DP, In the bag with the rest of them. We'll try not to be disruptive, but the medics sure better be nice to you.
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good morning sunshines. I've decided the chai tea is my favorite from the sampler pack. Will have to make a costco run tomorrow. Costco also has amazing cheese. I am feeling like some smoked ghouda. The kuchina from amazon has still not arrived. Bond is pissed about that. He is a prime member cuz he forgot to cancel the free trial. Supposed to be two day shipping but I think he must not have been paying attention when he ordered. Anyhow.
It was a rough night. I was feeling so tired I went to bed by 9:30 thinking I had chance of sleeping. I honestly don't think I slept at all. I think I literally just laid there with eyes closed all night. Oh and I felt like I was suffocating too so that didn't help. Couldn't get a good breath most of the night. That is better this morning though. I don't know if it's the rads or just the brain itself but I've been having these weird moments where it's like I'm someone else. It's sooooo weird. Like all night, I could see myself laying in bed. I first noticed this a few days ago when I was putting on my makeup. I can put on my makeup in the dark with my eyes closed mind you - but as I'm looking in the mirror, it's like I'm giving someone else a tutorial and watching someone else do it. But it's me making the movements. So so strange. And there you have my bizarro out of body experience ramble. Lol
I have chemo class this afternoon. Gotta learn DIY chemo. I think it's the xeloda that is a pill.
The crisps sound delicious. And I like the word crisps so much more than chips. Thinking we need some queso dip though. I craved queso like crazy during AC.
Hope everyone has a good day.
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Hiya DP!
Chai tea is lovely and exotic, I like it too. I do miss Costco, we were members in Melbourne, but none near where we are now. I could spend a whole day there, just sampling foods and browsing.
What strange sensations you are experiencing, DP.
I don't know if this is even vaguely, slightly like, what you're experiencing, but I had a very weird experience when I was in Hospital in Singapore years ago, with a super-bug bladder infection and a Micoplasma lung infection. They push drugs in a big way in Singapore, the super bug required a couple of super, nasty, strong iv antibiotics every 4 hours for a week and although I have taken steroids for 18 years, the dose they gave me, was just outrageous @ 100mg 4x a day, so 400 mg per day for a week. I can't even remember the rest of the pharmachological mix, they had me on.
I felt like I was slipping away from my body, not myself at all and I had a feeling that could only be described like my breathing mechanism wasn't working, not suffocating, but sort of like my chest wouldn't rise and fall and I had to consciously, make it work. I couldn't sleep either, just lying there, trying to force it and then I would kind of float through the day feeling a bit like those pics you see of astronauts that are weightless, also very depersonalized. I could hear myself speak to people, but didn't feel like I was in the conversation. It did resolve, when I got down to a manageable steroid level and the other drugs finished, but it was not like anything I had ever experienced before, or since. Weird huh!
It actually also sounds a lot like the description of Astral Projection, which was the goal of everyone, who was serious about Meditation, and stoned most of the time, in the 70's!
Those crisps sound good! I am addicted at the moment, to a roast garlic and hummus blend with any kind of crisps or crackers!
Take it easy, I am in the bag for the Chemo Class this afternoon. I'll take notes! Have a good day, nearly bedtime here. M x
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Posting at same time as M! Hi DP!
Those are strange sensations indeed. To chime in, I felt something like that when I was in the hospital this New Year's with a life-threatening infection (they said 40% chance to live -- thanks for that!). Like, M, I was on so many antibiotics, and failing all of them, and the dosages were increasing. I was having trouble taking a breath. And I didn't really feel like myself at all. I felt 'meta' -- like I was commenting on everything in my head. That feeling sucks!
Bond! Oh how I wish my DLLP was pissed because the kukicha did not arrive on time from amazon. I think that is adorable. I think everything about Bond is adorable. If I saw him right now I would kiss him on the lips. Watch out Bond!
Hmm. Z does always drool in the bag. Wednesday is going to be a big day. It is true, I get belligerent. Those people are paid to help you, so they better help you. Of course, very often you get a wonderful nurse, and I am not talking about her. My New York will come out when I am in your bag. HEY! I will shout for the back. She's WAITING! LET'S GO! Or I will say to an asshole medical person, WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?
I must say, ND is a sleeper badass -- she looks sweet, but she cuts like a knife -- and M will wear something resembling a 70's YSL tuxedo in the bag. I really would not want to mess with us, hospital personnel! I think I will have two beers on Wednesday. **kisses**
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Hello Bobo! posting at the same time again!
You too! Those weird sensations are really something.
I love Bond too, what a great man he is!
Ooooh you picked it, a YSL Tux, I just love it! I had a fab tux with cigarette leg pants and a satin stripe down the leg and satin lapels, wore it with a cream silk top and killer heels! Maybe a little formal for the bag, don't you think?
What is your day like?
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Hi M! It is a little formal for the bag. But I thought you would wear a suit to speak to the President of the hospital, if needed, and so I thought I would put you in a swank one.
BTW, I thought your imagining of the gator party was so funny! You are in AUS, so you imagined actual gators!
Hmm. My day is punishing, but could be worse. In fact, I am skipping meditation class (as I did last week) to catch up on things here (instead of having to bolt out of the house). We have got to pace ourselves, right sisters? Worst thing of all is it's a later day, which means I have to strap that medical thing on my chest until very late. Last night it was until 10 p.m. It's pretty awful when it has to stay on late.
Hi DP!
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wow those hospital experiences sound a lot the same. I do feel like if I'm not telling myself to breathe that I won't. Trying deep breaths but it's just like forcing the movements. And bobo that's totally it, commentating on everything in my head. I thought dosing down in the steroids would help but I was sleeping better on my mega dose. Im supposed to dose down again on Sunday. I layed back down because I feel so tired I thought I could watch myself sleep but couldn't turn my mind off and watched Lucy instead. Then I was hungry of course. Cheese tomatoes and crackers for breakfast with jalepeno mustard. Strange I know. Funny thing is all I could taste of that concoction was the tomatoes. That's making me second guess spending a small fortune on ghouda. Lol.
I am a total costco fan. Of course you don't need anything that's there. But they sure have lots of fun stuff. And all the fun stuff in the middle if the store. I go aisle by aisle. And you never get out of there under $200. And that is if your conservative! If you have a keurig, they have the best prices on the cups. Bond got one for Christmas and quickly decided he couldn't afford to drink it. Lol. I've had to teach him about shopping. I always treat him to a hot dog meal and slice of pizza as a reward for carting me around the store. Can't beat it for 2 bucks!
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