Time for hospice and Im really scared
Comments
-
Teri,
I'm so sorry you got this news. Of course you feel panic. The only thing that helps me when I feel panic is to accept that right now is all I have - that this moment counts. That I can feel sad and scared and it's part of living - so right now I am alive and I will make the most of it. Please live each day of your life - find something to be grateful for - breathe in the love that is coming to you from around the world - cry and scream if you need to - beat a pillow - eat some chocolate - know how very much you matter to so many of us. I cry with you now - and wish I was there to give you a hug or to scream with you. You are so loved.
I'm sure others will have more words of wisdom for you. I will hold you in my meditations for peace and healing of your mind, body and soul.
Laura
0 -
20130502, That picture on the window actually looks kind of like Deuce, too. I'll just betcha it's him. If you ever make it in there, tell him I still love him and miss him...and I'm going to kick his little goat butt when I see him!
Thanks.
Teri
0 -
No, Teri, it
is not silly to be on the edge of
panic about dying. I think it’s quite normal to have any number of feelings in
response to your MD’s opinion on your status and her estimate of your life
expectancy. For most of us those feelings would
likely include anxiety and fear, so you are being normal, not silly. Overall we tend to know, intellectually, the “facts”
and the “risks” associated with a diagnosis of metastatic breast cancer, and
along the way of living with this disease we might even develop a deeper
understanding of what those facts and risks mean, perhaps even accepting them
to a certain degree. But when any of us faces so directly our own mortality,
like the ways in which you’ve described, responses go beyond an intellectual
understanding and acceptance to wide-ranging emotions, concerns, questions, conflicting
thoughts, memories, dreams, difficult to describe experiences, and—ultimately--to
the essence of who we are.So, what do
you do now? Remember you still have choices, and not just about whether you
wish to accept or not accept the opinion of your doctor or whether you want to get
another opinion. Choices about how you want to live each and every day that you
have, how much you want to explore any of the feelings and questions and
concerns and new experiences that you are having or might have, how you decide
to connect with the essence of you and how you keep connected to others. Choices
about what hope might look like for you now. Does it look different? Might it
involve a focus on making the most of each and every day, accepting days when
simple pleasures are the most accessible, working toward peace of mind and
comfort, connecting with those who mean the most to you, letting go of the
tedium and tasks that you no longer wish to pursue? And don’t forget, those
choices reflect the essence of who you are—your values, your integrity, your
core beliefs about life. Those will help to ground you, too.And please notice
all that was about living. But, as it should be for many of us as well,
thinking about dying is important, too. So, with regard to both living and
dying…What is undone that you would like to do if possible? What is unsaid that
needs to be said? What might you need to forgive or let go? What is so precious
that you want to hold closely for all the time you are on this earth? Do you
have spiritual beliefs or life values that can help you to stay grounded in who
you are and as you contemplate the end of life? No matter how much time you
have, your life is still meaningful and can remain meaningful. This is true for
all of us. It’s just that sometimes some of us know it more acutely than
others.Please know
that I will continue to hold hope for you as you find your way. In lovingkindness....
0 -
Oh Teri, I must admit that I was hoping for better news from your doc but in my heart of hearts thought that this was the possible outcome........(sigh).........for all intents and purposes you are where you were six months go and just starting this part of your journey and so the words of comfort that were shared back then still apply.
It's not the actual death that we fear as that part can be controlled to a certain point, but the leaving of everything that we hold dear, people, places, things, animals. The human is genetically built for survival and your survival mechanism has once again kicked in.
To make your time bearable taking just one day at a time is the best way to deal........the here and now is all we all have so do what you can to enjoy each and every moment so when the time comes you can say, 'I am content'.
You know that we will be here each and every day, 24/7 to chat, laugh, search for that errant goat, send loving gentle (((((hugs))))), offer a shoulder to cry on and just hold your hand.
Take a big deep breath (as best you can), close your eyes and as you let go of your breath let it take you to your place of calm and beauty..........we are here.
Love n hugs. Chrissy
0 -
Shoot! I don't think I was prepared to hear that, Teri.
Keep leaning on us....we are here for you.0 -
Teri--well shit...I can only imagine the sense of panic. I think I have dealt with my stuff in denial...I can't imagine those words "less than 6 months." I would be a freakin mess! I think this time may be different because you believe her this time. I think you might agree that you are not sure if your body could handle chemo. You haven't really had time to process this info yet, so my hope is that you will find peace when you figure out your plan. I wish we could all be with you right now to give you a big group hug. When I got to a low point in December, I googled the top 25 damn you auto correct...oh my gosh...laughter through tears is one of my favorite emotions! I think of you everyday. And I will be here everyday for you. Sending much love.
0 -
It isn't what you wanted to hear and for that I am sorry. Your sadness and fears are normal. Sometimes I think the slow descent towards death is what makes cancer so difficult on people. You don't go quickly like car crashes or sudden devastating illness, no MI, massive stroke etc.. blissfully fast. Nope with cancer you have to face death head on. You have a huge body of support on this thread to smooth the journey, like an enormous extended family around the world.
Just remember no matter how scary it seems - You can die with grace. Everyone before you has made the journey- all your past loved ones. It was scary to be born, warm dark quiet... pop cold and on your own as a baby! It turned out fine. It will be fine to transition to the next phase of your journey and leave this body behind. Leave the pain, shortness of breath, cancer and anxiety with your physical body. It will be ok, of that I am sure.
I have a relative with terminal cancer who says she copes by, "leaving it to God." She spends no time wondering why or spinning her wheels, she gives it to God and leaves it there. Done. Resolution. I don't have her faith. I also believe it will be fine when I die. I am not my physical body and I look forward to joining the energy and interconnected of us all when I pass.
I wish you peace and acceptance and pain free restful nights. Oh and lots of love. Cindi
0 -
Teri,
I can hardly see to type there are so many tears in my eyes and I don't even know what to say to comfort you. I hope you don't hide this news from friends and family as you need them around you as much as they need to be around you. I am so so sorry and will open my line of communication to the Man upstairs. I want Him to hear me and to answer my prayers for a miracle. Hugs for now.
Amy
0 -
Teri,
This has been a roller coaster for you... in hospice, out of hospice, back in hospice... jeez, it could make a person crazy. Of course you're upset by this latest news, but it ain't over 'til it's over! The doctors speculate, estimate, but they're not in your body. You know your body. I just hope that your pain is minimal, and that your days are full of as much joy as you can find. Where is that Deuce anyway?
Always thinking of you, with love...
Rose.
0 -
Terri, I am so sorry to hear your news.
Earlier, you asked for anyone with liver mets to speak up. I have been off the site for a few days and didn't catch up on your thread until now. I'm not very good at explaining myself and the internet doesn't allow for the tone of one's writing to really be clear. I don't want to come off as someone who is ignoring your new situation...as in "do like me". You have been through much more than I have but I still wanted you to know that us liver metsters are out here.
I was dx'd with liver mets only "out of the gate". I had 8-10 in both lobes. I did chemo,rads, surgery. I am now on Letrozole and stable (my bio has more detailed info). I don't think cancer in the organs is any more or less aggressive than bones...just that with organs it is kind of important for them to be working all the time. I believe (and may be wrong) that aggressiveness is determine by the cancer "grade".
I wish you only the best in whatever decisions you make. {{{hugs}}}
0 -
Teri, I have no words of wisdom or comfort for you. All I can do is send love, and pray.
I am doing both.
Leah
0 -
Teri,
Prayers and warm thoughts.
Caryn
0 -
Wow, these responses from the ladies are just like a warm blanket on a cold day, aren't they? You are an amazing lady and because you've shared so much, we all feel very close to you - it's easy see the kindness in your heart and sense your great spirit!
We're all here with you, going nowhere! ❤ ❤
0 -
Teri, I am so sorry that this doctor didn't have better news or options for you. You are entitled to feel every ounce of panic and pain, it is a hard dx to come to terms with. I hope you are feeling the love and support because I know we all care about you very much.
Michele
0 -
Teri,
Others have said it all so eloquently. So prayers and gentle hugs.
Nel
0 -
Dear Teri,
I have followed all your posts. Such a loving network of sisters. I do believe in miracles. I personally do not like anyone to give us an expiration date, no matter what. I pray that you will feel the peace and love that surrounds you and try to keep your thoughts with that.
Hugs and prayers,
Patty
0 -
Teri, You have been so strong. I breakdown everyday just over my dx. I definitely think that what you are feeling is normal. So many ladies have given you so many kind words and suggestions. I really hope that you find peace. Prayers and hugs are being sent to you.
(I wish I had miracle cure for all of us!!! I really, really do.)
0 -
And please know thaat prayers and thoughts are being sent right back out to all of you. I haven't for one second forgotten that you're all going through this with me. So let's link arms and skip away down the yellow brick road to where NED lives!
Teri
0 -
(((((((Teri)))))))
0 -
Teri,
I'm
haven't posted in a long time, but I just wanted to say that every time I
check out this thread, which I do often enough, I'm reminded of the Beatles lyric,
"And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you
make." Not because of the “In the end” part, but because you are so loved
around here, and so deservedly so. I've learned so much from you and from this
thread, my dear Metsister.The
other gals have already said just about everything I wanted to say. Brendatrue,
as always, is full of wisdom. And I completely agree with her when she says
that you still have options, medical and otherwise. Darn it all—I would have
thought that your six-month chemo break would have made you an excellent
candidate for some sort of treatment or another, and I still feel that in my
heart. I feel that all of us deserve the right to keep up the fight if we want
to keep fighting, and to stop fighting when we don’t.If
there is any way we can help you with any this, just let us know. We can all
lock arms and sing along: “Oh, we're off to see the Wizard, the Wonderful
Wizard of Oz!”I
also hope you are getting the best palliative care in the world.Love
and hugs, Ingrid0 -
What an amazing group of women, imagine before the internet how it must have been for those women facing this horrible disease.
I have no more words than have already been written and so beautifully to.
So it is just hugs and positive thoughts and the wish that however you chose to spend each day it is with joy and happiness. In the end we don't have any future, just today . The future will look after itself. If we spend too much time living thinking about what might happen we miss what is happening.
Moira
0 -
Sending you love and best wishes, Teri. I hate to tell you all this, but it is like 76 degrees here today...a downright beautiful "This is why people move to Southern California Day"...and what did I see cavorting in my backyard? It was a GOAT! Cant say for sure it was
Deuce, but it sure did look like him! And he actually had the nerve to wave to me!
0 -
I was struck by Moira's words: "What an amazing group of women, imagine before the internet how it must have been for those women facing this horrible disease." Years ago I met a woman, much older than me, who was really struggling with depression. Her family had told me, "We don't know what to do! We don't know why she is so depressed!" ** After I got to know her, she shared with me that months earlier she had been diagnosed with breast cancer, that she did not know a single soul who had also been diagnosed with breast cancer, and that she could not imagine what it would be like to talk to someone who had breast cancer and understood. So, as you can imagine, I shared my story with her, and she cried...and cried...and then she smiled and thanked me for being there for her and for understanding. Her spirits gradually lifted, and she began to consider ways in which she could take more control over her own emotional health, find hope, and pursue all her life still had to offer. (**Yes, her family really did not "get it.")
Like Moira, and Teri, and so many of the women here at BCO who share personal cancer and life stories as well as support for each other, I am so grateful that we have each other!
0 -
Morning Teri!! That's morning where you are, middle of the night for me.......lol. Hoping you have had a good chat with hospice and the have accepted you back in no probs.......and I'm definitely hoping they get to kick you out again.........
I guess your day will be a busy one so I hope you are as comfortable as possible.
Love n hugs. Chrissy
0 -
As others have said so well and so beautifully, you have every right to be upset. I would add Resentful also, because I sure as hell would be.
I couldn't write more than that last night as my eyes were so full of tears for you. I think I can speak for many when I say that we have become very fond of you, even though we have never met in real life. We genuinely care about you and your well being and wish that there was something that we could do to help you feel better, both in body and in mind. We will be here online for you, from wherever we live around the world, so there should be someone around 24/7 if you need to talk, vent or laugh.
I, too, hope that your Hospice group will take you back and support you with palliative and every other sort of care so that your days and nights can be made more comfortable. I believe you have some family and friends nearby which is a good thing, as I hope they will be looking out for you in the months ahead and be your voice to Hospice when you may not feel up to speaking.
If there really is no more that can be done, I wish you the strength to be able to accept your situation as best as you can, and find peace with it, so that you can try to enjoy the small pleasures of life day by day. I hope that your team will be able to make you as comfortable as possible - did you get any new information about what might help you breathe better?
0 -
Hi Teri
I have been following the posts on this thread from day one, but somehow have felt shy about posting (I think because when you started I had just recently joined in on the mets conversations and somehow felt that since I didn't know you from the beginning, it would be intrusive somehow). Nonetheless, after hearing this news I will add my 2 cents and echo all the other women here by being part of this group that surrounds, supports and admires you. I wish your (hopefully many, many) days ahead are filled with loved ones, lots of laughs and no pain...
Marian
0 -
Teri,
Thinking about you today and wishing you a symptom-free day. Sending you love.
Laura
0 -
You people amaze me. Where to start...
JustJudie, I am on my way to check out the possible Deuce siting...since it's 76 degrees there. Lol. Our ice and most of our snow melted and now we get to look forward to weeks of temps in the 40's and constant rain.
Moira & BrendaTrue, I too cannot imagine getting through this without your support. But before computers remember we did have in-person support groups. I went to a few of those and they helped but not as much as being free to be anonamous if you know what I mean. And to connect at any time of day or night. This is just the best there could be.
Hortense, thanks for the beautiful and kind words. I am already being set up with a different hospice. I told my doctor I didn't want to go back to the original one unless I had no choice, such as insurance problems or something. I'll get through it with all you women's help. Everything will be fine.
Well I just got up from a long nap and now I need to go veg out on the couch. (What a life, huh?) Hope everyone is feeling good today and low pain and side effects also. Have a great day!
Teri
0 -
Hi Teri, I'll be begging on the couch with you today. Radiation is kicking my butt. I hope your hospice experience is a much better one this time. Btw....on one of my veg sessions this past week I watched Purple Rain. What a blast from the past!
0 -
My daily check in on you Teri. Prayers to continue for you and each and everyone of you ladies.
Donna
0
