Husbands/Partners of Stage IV Breast Cancer
Comments
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M - try not to take what you wife says to heart - she is hurting mentally and physically and wants to strike out and who can blame her - that said however you have gained the respect of everyone on this thread for the valiant effort you are putting forward to keep your family together through what is a terrible time. S.
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MfromAus,I'd like to share something with you if I may. My husband passed away 6 years ago from brain cancer. I am in no way comparing breast cancer to brain cancer as the latter, in his case anyway, had a very grim prognosis and traditional medicine had little to offer. During the year that he was sick, along with radiotherapy and chemo, we tried alternative methods. Needless to say, it was a VERY difficult year. I constantly asked myself am I doing enough, am I doing too much, am I doing the right thing and on and on. And then I finally realized that I did the best I could to the best of my knowledge as things happened. But before I realized that, I was very harsh on myself, blaming myself for this that and the other. This damn disease brings up so many emotions, anger, frustration and sometimes they are verbalized in so many ways and hard to hear. You are doing the best you can to the best of your knowledge as things happen. Please be kind to yourself. In these terrible situations, we do everything in the name of love.
LindaE
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HI M.
I'm not a stage 4 BC husband....just a stage 4 Ovarian cancer college age fiancee..and now a stage 3 BC husband.
My fiancee was mad, sad, angry, scared, worried and disappointed...all of that and probably more. She kept saying she was more worried about me than about herself and was always making me promise I'd keep going despite "everything" going on.
Sometimes she'd rage and I'd feel it. It wasn't directed at me, even though it may have seemed that way. It was just that I could feel it because I was nearby.
I would expect Mrs. M to be feeling all the same emotions and a whole set of her very own emotions...just remember that you feeling her rage is because you are nearby, not because it's directed at you.
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Thank you all so much for your kind words. Yesterday was a better day although pain is still a constant companion for my wife. She has stopped taking Targen because of the constipation and has strong pain in her upper right abdomen, I'm not sure what strong pain means, but it's obviously pretty bad.
We had the difficult conversation about what she wants in regards to time or quality with quality being the clear message. It's the first time we've had an open conversation about palliative care.
The other issue now is anemia, which may be chemo related or cancer related, but with her reduced appetite this may become a bigger issue as she is very tired a lot of the time.
Once again I would like to thank all the people in this community who continue to support and pray for our family.
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Palliative care is different from hospice, although neither is a bad thing. Palliative just really means to make one more comfortable, while they are doing active treatment or not. I do have to take pain meds, and have found milk of magnesia to be helpful, and prunes or dried apricots. My friend Sally who had lung cancer with mets to her brain, bones and liver, used to swear by trader joes' chocolate covered raisins. There was something they gave my brother at the end of his bile duct cancer when he was on constipating meds that they called Draino, but I don't know now what it really was. I just know that when I am not in so much pain, I can deal with everything better. For anemia, my docs did say raisins were more helpful than anything, but I suspect you would have to eat a lot of them.
It is very hard to help someone go through this. I have been the caretaker and been stricken myself, and I still don't know which is worse. And I am betting she is not liking you to have to go through this. Please forgive me, I know it is stage four only, but I wanted you to know that both of you are in my thoughts, I am pulling for you both...
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What a difference a couple of weeks make!
Since having the Zometa and starting Abraxane my wife is now able to get through without Targen and is feeling much better. I know that there will still be tough days ahead, but right at the moment things are better than they have been in months.
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That is the best news.
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So nice to hear good news.
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Dear M,
That is so great. That was also my experience with Abraxane--when it works, it really works fast! Please keep us updated--we care.
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Great news! !!LindaE
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Dear M, that is wonderful!
If she needs to take the pain meds, there are plenty of help-the-bowel-along meds she can (and should!) take as well. Ranging from prune juice all the way up to serious drugs. The palliative care team can help with that.
I hope things continue to improve. . .
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Thanks to everyone for the support. I can't express how much it means to me to not feel that I'm alone with all of this.
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Just a quick update.
I'm not sure where the physical side of the cancer is, (blood tests today, results on Monday), but the emotional side is becoming a real struggle for both of us. The ups and downs are still there, but the lows are lower and the highs aren't as high. It feels like walking through mud, it's not too bad at the start the fatigue just becomes overwhelming.
I'm doing everything I can to try and keep the positive outlook for my wife and especially our boys, but some days are a real battle. I know this is part and parcel of the journey and so many others have been there, but just felt like I needed to put it out there.
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Exhaustion makes everything much, much worse - are you getting any sleep at all - think you need to get something for the anxiety and help to sleep - I use Ativan for both but I am very drug sensitive so a very low dose works for both - you also need to get fresh air and exercise every single day - is your wife able to go for walks with you in the evening? Also eating healthy is a really good idea - these are all simple things but they work - glad you still come on to vent - that's healthy too - let us know how Mrs. M. is doing and sending hugs to you all and the boys. S.
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MfromAus - good to hear from you. It's a rough ride indeed. I second Sandy's suggestions and temporary help from anti-anxiety drugs works wonders. Your are very courageous. Keeping you Mrs. M and your boys in my thoughts and prayers.Linda
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My wife (age 67) was diagnosed with Stage 4 BC from the onset in Dec 2012. She was dx's as ER+ PR+ and HER2-. She was treated with one session of Taxol (which she had an violent allergic reaction to.) She then, in 2013, had three sessions of A-C. It seemed to have worked and she was clear of cancer except for some in her breast. My wife then took aromasin estrogen blockers. Everything was okay for awhile, her markers were down, etc. Suddenly a small scar on the breast with the cancer started to bleed and enlarge. Long story short she had it removed. A biopsy showed a grade 3 highly aggressive golf ball size cancer in the center of the lesser aggressive cancer. It had mutated. Also, of 20 nodes examined 9 showed cancer. The oncologist is concerned and believes her HER2- turned positive. Also triple negative was also brought up. He's asking for a more detailed biopsy to clarify this. Her latest markers just last week showed 38 also her PET scans showed no cancer except in her breast.
Just a question. Can a person change from ER+ PR+ HER2- to the scary triple negative? What about from HER2 - to positive, is that common? The doctor has a new targeted treatment for HER2+. If, however, it's triple negative he was less confidant.
I's like to hear from anyone that might set my mind more at ease, especially the triple negative.
Mike W.
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Hi Mike, I'm saddened to have to tell you that yes, this disease can and does change from ER/PR+HER- to Triple Negative and on the other hand, the HER2- can change to HER+ making her possible Triple Positive.
BC is such a sneaky disease but the changes mentioned above don't happen too often so we can be thankful for that. I do hope your lovely wife gets some answers soon and a specific treatment worked out that will slow the cancer progression down.
Hope I have helped a little.
Love n hugs. Chrissy
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Mike - so sorry to hear the news about your wife - there is a triple negative thread on this site you might want to check out - sorry I don't have the link but it should be easy enough to find using "search" - you'll find lots of help and support on BCO - so many of us have. Sending best thoughts your way.
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Mike, it's a tough road for the partner of BC. It's really quite sad that so often we need to come to threads like this to get some answers. I'm not saying that doctors hide anything, but they tend to give clinical advice that doesn't always align with the type of information that patients and care givers need. All the best in your journey, thoughts and prayers are with you.0 -
Things are fairly stable at the moment, the Abraxane is making my wife quite tired but things seemed to have calmed from the chaos of the last few months. 2 cycles now complete, another 2 or 4 to go, just playing the waiting game.
Thank you so much for your support since I joined this forum, I would like to wish you all a safe, happy & blessed Christmas.
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MfromAus - so nice to hear from you. Happy Holidays to you and your family.Linda
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Good to hear from you - glad things have settled down somewhat. Hope your holidays are good ones - enjoy the children.
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It's great to hear that things have calmed down enough for you and your family to have a Happy Christmas. Joy to you and yours.
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Hello. My wife was diagnosed with triple negative inflammatory breast cancer stage 3b nearly two years ago. Three different chemo cocktails preceded mastectomy then radiation. one month later, local recurrence and distant cutaneous metastasis. used combination targeted therapy which improved skin metastasis until recently. Currently the disease is out of control and plan is for more chemo.
More lows than highs lately with mounting frustration, fear and sadness on my part. My wife alternates between being positive and at ease and periods of anger, irritability, and sadness. She recently agreed to meeting with a therapist which seemed to help her outlook but this recent setback and severe lymphedema are taking their toll.
We have three daughters. I lost my mother to this disease when I was in college. I am a physician and work hard to be an advocate for my wife's care but try to be a husband first. Yoga, meditation and golf have provided respites and opportunity to take care of myself during this very difficult journey We have amazing friends, families and community support. We have resources to allow the highest level of care. We constantly remind ourselves that we are the "lucky ones," but its getting harder and harder to stay positive and be strong for my girls and wife. I'm exhausted.
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jtmole, I feel your pain and can fully relate to the exhaustion. It's wonderful that you have a great support network, but sometimes you really need to step aside and try to remember what being "you" is like, rather than just a carer, supporter, father.....I wish you all the best in your journey, and know that there is an entire support network here ready to listen at any time.
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Hi jtmole. I'm sorry that you needed to find this place.
I remember the feelings; anger, tired, depression, wanting to go hide, it's unfair, why us, wishing it would just go away and wishing I could go away. Some days the only reason I didn't go find a tall building to "fall" from was that it would have left my fiancee alone to face her mom.
We were in our early twenties and there were no kids, just parents determined to "set things straight" because they decided the doctors' hospice recommendations were all wrong.
Now, my wife has stage 3a BC. The first time I walked into the chemo infusion room, 28 years and 25 miles distant from the old one, the old memories came flooding back....the sights, sounds, smells, everything...they seemed exactly the same. I didn't know whether to cry, run, or go see if the IV pole in the corner also had a chunk of chrome missing from one of it's legs.
This time around, things are going much better. My wife's cancer has been staying away, the official support systems are much better and our friends are more helpful.
Don't be afraid to ask your local friends for some help.
We're here too.
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MrMfromAus - just checking in to see how you're all doing.Linda
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Hi
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Hi Linda,
Thank you for thinking of us. Physically the chemo is working well, the markers continue to drop although hemoglobin levels are dropping quite a lot. Emotionally things are up and down, some days are good but more are not really bad but just flat.
I really appreciate your thoughts
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Hi all, Yesterday was blood marker day and the news was fantastic! CA15 has dropped to 80 which is just awesome
Hopefully the roller coaster will level out for a while.0
