Life does not end with a stage IV diagnosis (really!)
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Divine, I’m sorry that you’re losing a family member through this but congrats to them for being aware and honest enough with themselves and each other to identify what isn’t aligned and addressing it.
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Thank you both so much, Caryn and Illimae, for your replies, they are comforting. I've always been supportive of ds and will continue to be so. I don't meddle and if I did my son would call me out on it. This is their decision to sort through and I know my own sadness is secondary to what they're experiencing. But I'm also very sad for the both of them. They've been together since graduating college and helped each other grow and supported each other since the beginning of their careers and had wonderful new experiences together. Yes, it's a credit to them that they're being honest with each other even if that led to making a difficult decision. Both of them are really terrific individuals and I guess I'm mad at the universe that it wasn't meant to be for the long term.
Caryn, I didn't know about the twists and turns your daughter's life has taken. Isn't that something how it's worked worked out over the years? But I know there were some heartaches along the way. I'm glad things are working out for her and her daughter. Thank you for your insight, you're right that being a parent to an adult is challenging. So many books on how to raise children but not so much on navigating issues once they're grown.
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so awesome. Congrats! Sending hugs
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Aloha from KONA!! I'm here on a family reunion with sibs & kids, rented oceanfront right next to Queen's Bath. I'd load a clip if I had any idea how to edit down videos, even just one minute clip of sunset tonight too big to upload! On to KAUAI tomorrow; trying to make summer last a few days longer!!!! Cheers, life is sweet...
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So jealous Cure - French Polynesia is on my bucket list, but its been 30 years since I went to Hawaii (Oahu only) and I would love to take Other Half to either the Big Island or Maui, etc. Easy enough with a stop over! Enjoy the warmth and beaches!
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Ooh, Polynesia would be sooo cool!!! My son edited down the clips but they still won't load, will try still shots tomorrow- Night-time here, just hear sounds of waves crashing to the shore... We have a rainforest green baby house gekko, gotta close the door so he doesn't come visit..
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Aloha Cure-ious from Wales - no you are right it doesn’t have the same ring to it. So pleased that you are enjoying Hawaii and surrounded by your family. It must be such a special time for you all. I love geckos but they do chatter so best shut out. Sending best wishes for continued fun in a magical place & in “normal” mode!0
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Aloha Cure-ious! So glad you are getting to enjoy Hawaii with your family.
I went once in the 1990's. I actually won a radio contest. It was a blast!
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How wonderful, Cureious! Enjoy!
Divine- drama with adult children is so hard. I’m sorry you’re losing a person you really liked. I spent years keeping my comments to myself. Eventually my DD opened up and I understood. It really is like a divorce even for us parents.
I saw yesterday that we lost Fitzwins. She was a great friend here. Loss seems normal and I hate that.
Are you all doing the Monday BCO call? It would be nice to “meet” you all. We don’t even need to discuss cancer…recipes work for me, too.
Read an infuriating article this morning. “Things we do wrong that cause our cancer.” Go on the Pill (that doctors told us was safe.) Take hormones for menopause (that doctors said was safe). Check family history (that we cannot control.) Maintain healthy weight (don’t even get me started.) Do regular screenings (yep…for 20 years and dx stage IV.) Blame the victim much???
I’d like to thank Pinktober editors for accepting this and guilting BC patients everywhere.
Ugh
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Speaking of adult children my youngest daughter and her boyfriend are at the wedding of her older sister's ex-boyfriend its a long story. My oldest daughter was with him for 5 years but they were not right for each other and both are much happier now,
I try to be supportive without interfering with my adult children but it's hard sometimes we all only want the best for them.
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Cureious, your Hawaiian vacation sounds wonderfully refreshing. Enjoy!
Iwrite, I have some choice words for people and articles that believe or claim cancers can be prevented if only we rein in circumstances beyond our control, but I will leave it up to your imagination what the words are.
Thank you all for the continued support about coping with choices our adult children make. A kind thing happened to me yesterday while at the onc for a routine check-up. A nurse with whom I’d spoke to many times on the phone about oral chemo but had never met in person was the one who came in the room to ask all the routine questions before the doctor came in. It was so nice to finally meet her. After going over the usual stuff, she then said, “Is there anything you’re having a problem with, anything at all, it could be cancer related, or something at home, or family or whatever? “ I’ve never had this question posed to me before, and especially since I knew this woman, I told her about how and why ds is on my mind. It felt comforting to talk about it and she offered a listening ear and understanding, relating a similar story of her own. It made me feel better.
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Wonderful trips, adult children, cancer care, Covid19… life is not always fun but it sure isn’t boring!
Although I retired in June, my former district set up my substitute teachers account today so I can start working after 12/1. I plan to mainly take requests from former colleagues about 2-3 days a week. I am also applying to sub in my grandson’s school district. I spoke to the principal of his school and told her I would only sub for K-1 at the school. All districts are desperate for subs so I can easily pick and choose assignments. They are even relaxing requirements for subs! I’m fully credentialed of course, already vetted and fingerprinted so I’m an easy hire. Who knew I would be so sought after? If it weren’t so sad, it would be funny. Subbing, for me, is kind of like being a grandparent. All the stuff I love about teaching and very little responsibility (compared to the full time teacher!).
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Thanks y'all!!!! I think the problem with loading my pics is the bad internet here- we are on north shore Kauai, hung out all day at Anini beach, which has a bit of a distant snorkel reef that accumulates all the waves and stretches out for two miles. I was there from early morning to past lunch and saw only a couple of beach combers!! I'm halfway through "The Guncle", sort of a re-make of Auntie Mame, but with a gay uncle who lives in Palm Springs and has to take on his young niece and nephew for awhile- wonderful book. We went to Hawaiian BBQ lunch in Hanalei, its so lush and tropical here (as you know), and its great to see beautiful ocean- Diana, Wales is magical!!! Another good thing about a break like this is how happy you are to come home again...
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Nighttime at Anini Beach
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Hi Everyone,
I apologize in advance for not having read through this thread, but I am looking for some career advice and thought maybe someone here could help or direct me to another thread that may be more relevant.
I was diagnosed in February with Stage IV de novo. I’m 41 years old and at the height of my career. I am the ‘breadwinner’ and my husband is a stay at home dad to our two children, aged 3 and 5. The Company I currently work for us normally very inflexible with remote work (everyone has been required to go back full time in person since June), but they granted me a medical accommodation request to work remotely until the end of this year. At which point I will need to reapply for another 6 months, and continue to reapply if I would like to continue to make the request. I’ve been with the company for 6.5 years and my manager is very understanding. I have long term disability insurance, the terms of which I am not familiar, and was planning to apply for disability if they require I come into the office or sometime next year. My thought on this is I have no idea how much time I have left and I want to spend it focused on my family and health. It breaks my heart to tell my children I can’t engage with them because I have a meeting or an important deadline to meet.
Two weeks ago an in house recruiter from a global company reached out to me for a position that would be a huge promotion in title and pay (40-60% increase). I initially shrugged it off and ignored the email thinking there is no way I can make this change given my diagnosis. But I kept having this nagging feeling that I should join the conversation and see where it leads. I’ve since had two interviews and they want me to have another interview, so I feel like I have a really good chance at getting this. My concerns are: I feel that I will be very busy with work getting off the ground starting a new job with a new firm. I will have to do some travel as I will oversee teams across 6 offices from west to east coast. I will have to go into the office at least 50%.
I obviously don’t want to disclose my diagnosis as that will take me out of the running. The benefit would be when I do go in disability (eventually?) the monthly amount would be higher based on new salary and the employer sponsored life insurance would be higher, leaving my family more funds in the future. I have been trying to stay optimistic through this and hope I will be one of the super responders who have many many years ahead of me, but I also have moments when I know I have no control and no idea how things will go.
I also don’t understand disability insurance enough to know if I would be covered at the new job with the insurance which pays 60% of salary (much more than SSDI) if I had a preexisting condition when I start employment with them.
Sorry for the long message, just really need some guidance or thoughts to help me as I am navigating this - particularly from others who have continued to work or may be in a similar situation. If I was not stage IV, this would be a no brainer for me.
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Gosh sunshine, this is a conundrum. I don’t know how disability would work if you change jobs now. Also I would want to know about the life insurance with a new job. I’m hoping others here know more. You might want to try the employment thread too.
I am the breadwinner too although my DH does work and we don’t have kids. But I struggle constantly with “should I take disability and do things I want to do”. My health insurance is better than his. Since your DH is not working, that is also something you will need to consider is health insurance costs.
I’ve got all the mets so career change is out of the question for me, plus my manager and coworkers are really understanding and flexible and I don’t know how a new job would be. You are right though, you could have decades left!
Another thing to consider is stress - that would be a factor for me as I can get really stressed out with work responsibilities and it has actually made my lab work result in bad numbers, and I am sure it’s not good for my body. My current employer knows my limits now and we can work with it. If you deal with stress well then maybe it’s not an issue.
I talked with DH last night saying how I was mourning my career that I worked so hard for, taking less responsibility, it’s good for health but bad for my ego and my sense of purpose. Plus, I really don’t care as much about the work. So should I really be spending what time I have left working 8 hrs a day on things that don’t matter to me? We decided I should hang on at least thru the holidays as I feel fine, but I need to try to maximize my “off” hours with things I want to do. One of those things would be trying to monetize a hobby, maybe offset some of the loss of income.
I don’t know if this helps, just thought I’d respond as it’s timely- I’ve been really focused on the job thing yesterday and it really brought me down.
Please report back to us what’s happening and what you find out/ decide to do.
There are lots of wise sages hereI’m sure will chime in!
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Very timely topic for me, as well. Have been working from home since the start of the pandemic, and we are just about to return to the office for one day a week, and ultimately they want us there two days a week next year. My meds create a great deal of fatigue, so I'm a bit anxious about how it will be to have a longer day (commuting to and fro). I love my job and my team, and I think if it's just not possible they might work with me so I can be solely virtual. I'm going to wait and see how it feels.
I, too, feel some sorrow about the possible loss of my career - while I've always planned on taking early retirement at age 55, that's still three years away and who knows what will happen between now and then. I'm trying to stay in an attitude of gratitude about today and that I feel good today! I'm grateful that cognitively I'm still with it (at least, no one's said anything to the contrary to me, lol) and can still be part of my team, many of whom I've been working with for 16 years now.
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Sunshine, I just combed through my current STD/LTD documentation from my employer and it says that pre-existing conditions would not be covered. The define a pre-existing condition as :
you received medical treatment, consultation, care or services including diagnostic measures, or took prescribed drugs or medicines in the 3 months just prior to your effective date of coverage;
and - the disability begins in the first 12 months after your effective date of coverage.
From what I've read online, every plan is different, but group plans under employment are generally more flexible than private insurance. Also, I've read government or state jobs may have some kind of waiting period if you have a pre existing condition. So it would be good to be able to see the fine print if you are able and seriously considering. Maybe even a lawyer to be sure?
SF Cakes - i hear you on the gratitude piece, this is the one thing that seems to get me out of pity parties when I can focus on all the good things - and there is a lot of good. We are lucky we feel ok to work at all. Yes and I feel ok cognitively as well but my team may disagree
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Note: I did NOT see anything about pre-existing conditions is my employer-sponsored life insurance policy, but I would want to see the fine print for particulars before signing on.
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Thanks Kikomoon for taking the time to reply and go through your policy. My employer has never shared our STD or LTD policy with me and it's not available on our employee resource page, I would have to reach out to them to ask for a copy of the policy, which I worry would raise eyebrows. The pre-existing condition clause was something I just recently came across and realized could be an issue for me if I change jobs. Going on disability at some point to enjoy life a bit has always been part of my new plan since my diagnosis. Ive also heard that some employer covered life insurance policies can continue once you leave, so that's something else I'll need to ask about. I'm definitely going to wait until after the new year when raises go into effect and bonuses are paid out before I ask.
SF Cakes - I also hit a wall every day around 4pm and my commute was 1.5 hours each way, and would grow to 2 hours each way next month when we move. There is no way I would be able to continue doing that every single day. Once or twice a week would be my maximum if I really had to do it. Covid caused so many people to reflect on life and how they were living, and this diagnosis only compounded that for me.
And I too am grateful for every day that I have. And I am feeling so much better today than when I was diagnosed and the two months after I started treatment when my body was adjusting to all the new meds. I hope I can continue to live a mostly 'normal' life and be here for my family.
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Sunshine, first let me say it sucks that you are so young and have to deal with mbc. And now you’re wondering whether to make a career move. I have no Magic 8 Ball answers, but will ask a few questions. If you were offered the new job and turned it down, is it possible another job offer might come along that fits better into your current life? Would it be enough for you to know that you at least could have had the job, even if you don’t accept it? Is there any chance to move up the ladder in your current job?
I’m usually one who encourages others to go for their dreams, but with you I have concerns. Certainly the disability insuarnce issue and preexisting conditions would be a big factor for me; you definitely need to know if you’d be covered or not. Another matter of great importance is that you have small children. You don’t have to sacrifice all for them, but the new job would take up not just more time but also more energy. So would the trade off be worth it, more attention to work, less to children? Only you can decide. Another thing is I personally believe those of us with mbc should give our physical, mental and emotional health more attention, and a new job keeping you quite busy isn’t going to give you time to do that.
Those are just my thoughts tho. I’m a feminist who believes in equality for everyone, so I have no judgement about any choice you make. Wishing you the best.
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I used to find great joy in baking but stopped a few years ago. Today I made a cake and it was great fun! I just have to relax and enjoy the process, listen to some music, and create something. It is made with Elderflower liqueur and has edible marigold flower petals. The flowers were brought from a neighbor's garden. DH gets credit for the photo, my camera skills are junk.
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Your skills are junk? I think not! It looks so fresh and beautiful and I love elderflower. St. Germain?
I too have largely abandoned baking. Years ago, I even made my older dd's wedding cake. The marriage failed but I don't think it was because of the cake 😂. This must be the weekend for getting back to the kitchen arts. My dd has a pomegranate tree in her yard and gave me some. I made pomegranate molasses/syrup. You can buy it in stores that cater to Iranian or Middle Eastern cuisines, but homemade is the best. You can use it like balsamic vinegar but you can also make cocktails or spritzers with it. She is moving next week and promised to pick the tree clean before she goes if I would make more.
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haha no my baking skills are pretty good, but I suck at photography, I just don’t get understand light and ISO’s all that stuff. I had DH take a the photo.
Yes typically it’s St. Germain but the liquor store said everyone is out of it because of some warehouse issue, so it’s another brand, St. Elder.
Ohh I love pomegranates, a lot of work though to get the good stuff. I have more patience with them these days, just try to just enjoy the time spent getting those little tasty gems out. That syrup sounds interesting!
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DivineMrsM - thank you for your thoughtful response. I think it would be enough just to receive the offer (if it comes to that) and I do need to put my health and family first over my career, even if it means more financial security for all of us. I’m looking forward to the day when I am finally ready to apply for disability.
Kikomoon - everything about that cake is beautiful, including the platter/stand.0 -
Kikomoon, the cake you baked looks delicious and your dh photographed it beautifully! Looks so good I can practically taste it!
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kikomoon: That cake is gorgeous. Beautifully photographed. I could create a masterpiece (unlikely since I am no baker) but it wouldn't look that nice. I make the best chilis and stews but if I photographed them they would like look bargain basement pet food. I really like St Germain's. The bottle is so pretty too.
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Oh, that cake looks soooo delicious, kikomoon! My skills are less in the baking realm and more in the eating realm.
We had a massive storm here, an "atmospheric river", and had more rainfall in 24 hours than we've had all year. My back-backyard was slightly damaged, and the crew who originally built the retaining walls and stairs came out today and fixed it for free! I offered 3 times to pay for materials, but they insisted their work was guaranteed. I got slightly teary. Sometimes people can just be so great!
Here's a quick photo of part of the yard, you can see a few of the animal statues I have, with many more interspersed, well, everywhere. 😍
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Wow SF Cakes, that's rare these days that people stand behind their work, a nice surprise! Thanks all for cake compliments, next I will try homemade fruit popsicles and pickling some radishes from the neighbor too. I don't like raw radishes much but she said I could pickle them. These activities will both be firsts.
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Kikomoon, that cake looks amazing! So fancy! I’m looking forward to baking again one of these days. I watch a lot of the Great British Baking Show, definitely a comfort watch.
SunshineDay, I understand the dilemma you’re facing. I hope that you can find peace in your decision and joy in being offered the position. I too was diagnosed at 41.
I had planned to stay in the Army until I hit 24 years in. Now I’m just trying to hold on to make the minimum retirement time, 20 years. I have 2.5 years left. At retirement I will get 50% of my three highest earning years averaged. And I will also receive VA disability. Not really what I wanted to do but it’ll give me time to spend with my husband and to figure out a hobby.
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