Life does not end with a stage IV diagnosis (really!)
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And since my life has not ended with my stage IV dx, one of life's sadder situations is now part of it. My older dd (mother of my granddaughter) is getting divorced. It really took me by surprise and makes me very sad. My dd initiated it and my soon to be ex SIL is hurt and angry. She is a very successful professional and seems to have outgrown him. He is nice enough but lacks any drive, ambition or real zest for life. Of course, my heart breaks for my granddaughter, who adores him, and as all children do, finds total love and security in her family. I am there for my dd 100%, but am very, very sad.
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Caryn, I'm so sorry to hear this, it's very sad indeed and I'm sure you feel shocked. It's always so hard on the children, that's the saddest part when a marriage ends. Prayers for you and your family as you go through this difficult time.
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Caryn, it is indeed a difficult time but I hav no doubt you will do everything in your power to help your granddaughter through this ... And your daughter, of course. It's just that the little ones have such a difficult time understanding and do need all the extra love we can give them.
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Sending good thoughts your way, Caryn...and to your dd, SIL, and granddaughter. Really hard for all involved.
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Caryn, I'm hurting for you; so very sorry to read the news.
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Caryn, I am sorry to hear your news. It is always sad to see a family break apart, but I am sure this is something that your DD knows in her heart will be best for her and your granddaughter. You granddaughter will continue to be surrounded by love and caring people including you, her devoted grandmother.
Lynne
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Sorry Caryn sad news for sure, your grand daughter will be surrounded by love and get through this. Though hard sometimes it's for the better once the dust settles things always look different. I'm sorry it's sad news and always a shocker.
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Melp I'm so sorry you find yourself here but I found this thread along with a few others very helpful. Information is power and these woman have it in spades. You are so young that breaks my heart this disease does not discriminate. We are all here for you and have been through the ringer as well. I'm glad you have your family to support you. Once the shock of it wears off a bit and the tears subside it's tolerable and life goes on. Someone to check out is Kris Carr I found her message of hope so helpful at the beginning. She made a documentary called Crazy sexy cancer definitely worth a look. She is stage four as well but sees things a bit differently. Take care hugs from Canada
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Caryn
The good news in this, if there is any, is that you are here to help and support your gd and dd thru it all. It all sucks, but in difficult situations I try and think what it would be like for my kids if I was not here. Life does not end with stage 4, the good, the bad and the ugly.
Nel
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Caryn that is such a bummer! Any time a part of the family breaks up it changes the dynamics, not in a good way, for everyone. I sort of get the "outgrowing" a spouse, but guess you have to choose your priorities in a partner. Nel, Sad but true.......
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Sorry, Caryn. Not an easy situation ever. And very hard to comment further without knowing the people. I just feel bad for you, my friend, as well as your granddaughter.
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Thank you all for your kind words. There is no villain here, no one to blame, no fault. The marriage was like a balloon that slowly deflated. That is why it took me by surprise and leaves me with such sadness. Yes, there has been some tension surrounding aspects of the divorce details (my dd was the breadwinner). But I hope time and good legal advice will take care of this.
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Having recovered from a bad cold, gotten some deferred household stuff done and lots of much needed sleep, I can relax and enjoy the holiday break. It has been raining frequently (hooray!) and is chilly and damp today. So what does a good Jewish girl do on Christmas Eve/day? Tonight, we'll drive around and look at holiday lights, then get a bite to eat. Tomorrow, it's off to the movies.
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL WHO CELEBRATE THE HOLIDAY!!!!!!
PS: If you're wondering why I'm happy about the rain, I live in drought stricken CA. This is wonderful
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What movie do you plan to see? I am happy for your rain and hope it helps with the drought.
I am hosting a family gathering tonight for about 25 people. It was a bit more work than I anticipated, but I paced myself and had fun making preparations. It is very casual. My sister had every Christmas Eve at her house for 30 years and was ready for a break. The weather is crazy, 62 degrees, record breaking warmth for Ohio this time of year. Had the windows open while the ham baked.
I feel....humbled....by being able to have this get together at my house. The 22nd of this month is when I felt the lump that became the stage iv diagnosis.....Five years ago. I feel good that I can create a festive atmosphere for family to enjoy, thankful for opportunity.
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Have a wonderful gathering Divine! It is wonderful you can muster up the energy for such a celebration. I am at my families tonight with only 10 people and feel worn out. Tomorrow there will be 25! Hope I can last the whole day.......Caryn, I am Ca too in the mountains and we drove down in quite the storm today. Wonderful to see water returning.
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Mrs. M,
We went to see a comedy titled The Night Before. It was vulgar, irreverent and stupidly funny. It provided the best medicine in the world, laughter. The Thai restaurant was packed (and it's a rather small restaurant). We got a table right away, but the line was out the door shortly thereafter. Delicious food was a nice end to a good evening. I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday.
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Hope everyone had a wonderful day. Like all of you, I am so very grateful to be here for another Christmas. I am somewhat peopled out - but it is all good
Be well
Nel
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"Peopled out" , what a great phrase !
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That's me! "Peopled out", although I had a lovely time. Glad to be back in my own home, in the quiet watching a corny movie! Nothing like it!
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Artistatheart, I agree with you. There is nothing as warm and comfortable as home. I have spent that last week going between the hospital (visiting DH) and a hotel room. DH and I cannot wait to get home.
Lynne
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I was visiting my DH at the hospital on Christmas Day and decided to go downstairs to get a bite to eat while he napped. The elevator stopped at one of the cancer floors and two children got on the elevator with their dad. The girl was carrying a huge, soft teddy bear, the boy was carrying a telescope still in the box, and their dad had a big bag filled with other toys. I commented about the wonderful toys they were carrying, and the dad explained that they were surprised to discover that Santa Claus had visited their mom in the hospital and left toys for her children. Both children were beaming. It was so touching to see how the parents had found a way for mom to enjoy the magic of seeing her children's joy of finding gifts from Santa even under such circumstances. It was good for the children, and I am sure that it brought happiness to their mother who wanted to be with them. I hope all four are able to experience many more holidays together.
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50sgirl what a great story
To everyone elsea, after Christmas eve and Christmas day and a surprise party for a friends husband on the 26th, I AM DONE!! I have spent the day at home, in my pjs, eating cake and cheese and crackers. And there was some wine involved!
AM SO VERY GRATEFUL FOR THE DAY
Be well
Nel
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Beautiful story, Lynne. And Nel - you're my hero!
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Yes, great story Lynne. Hope you get home sson. My day in PJ's with cheese and crackers will be Tuesday after I start my new meds tomorrrow......with a sore butt and possible other SE's! Whoopie!
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tonight I feel like it does end here. My family is across the country and I don't have much support here in Arizona. I am filled with despair right now. I know what is coming, i feel it though I hope i am wrong. Have to work even though I am sick after chemo. Keep getting denied for std thru my job. My bf is pulling away from me, I am pushing him away he says. I hate bc!!
I am sorry to vent. But this board is all I have right now. Happy new year ladies.
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(((Lvin)))
The holidays are hard enough under normal conditions, then you pile bc on top of it… it's a wonder we all cope as well as we do. I wish i had advice re. the std… I'm hoping someone will come along with that because it sounds like you need a break. Also, your bf sounds like he wants to be there for you. I have a habit of pushing my bf away when things get tough with this blasted disease… it's complicated but I know how much he loves me and wants to help.
You aren't alone, remember that! There is always someone here to listen, to care. Sending you love and a wish for better days in 2016.
Rose.
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hi lvinaz44,
This can be a very tough disease when you don't have support nearby. I'm afraid I haven't got much to offer with respect to your bf (no husband or FB), but it sounds as if what both of you are going through is part of the stage IV mess. Have you had counseling, either individual or couples? Have you considered antic-depressants? I have been on Effexor since dx and I believe it has really helped me stave off big crying jags and prolonged depressive episodes. What about local support groups? Thinking of you
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Hi LivinAZ,
When I was first diagnosed with metastatic disease I attended a support group at the Cancer Support Community in Los Angeles. They used to be known as the Wellness Community. It's all free and they have lectures and classes in addition to support groups. My spouse attended the caregivers support group which is helpful even for those significant others whose partners do not need physical care from them. They have a location in Phoenix- the link is below.
I'm with Caryn about the antidepressants. I take effexor and wouldn't go without.
Sending you love and a hug and warm wishes for brighter days soon.
Lisa
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Thank you for the responses. I am having a bad night. All I want is a hug and someone to say it's going to be OK.
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LvinAz, hey, you can vent all you like, without apology.
The boyfriend thing...relationship issues, especially when things aren't going well, are certainly difficult and can make you feel despair. Sometimes things work out by themselves. Please do consider counseling if necessary, either just you or with your boyfriend. Realize it's tough for him, he wants to love you but worries that some day you will not be here...it can be scary for him, too yet society is always pushing the idea that men must be strong. See if the two of you can take things just one day at a time.
I second Caryn's recommendation for meds, either antidepressant or antianxiety meds, which I take. It helps take the edge of fear off and if I feel a wave of anxiety, I just get busy and it goes away.
As for the family thing, sometimes we romanticize that being near them will make everything okay, but that's not always the case. (I am peopled out after a busy holiday season spent with family and need a break.)
To fight the despair, writing is always good, write out how you feel. Three pages every day if you can. Then make a list of things to do when despair hits. Call a family member, listen to great music, dance, exercise, watch a funny show or escape in a great book, take a drive. Refer to the list and do things on the list when you need to pull out of a nosedive. We are here for you.
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