Stupid comments ....
Comments
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Ksusan,
I have been asked also why I dont just take them off.
People dont realize that breasts are not like jar lids that can be screwed off easily. They have no idea how invasive a surgery that is. Our sisterS in BC who have undergone mastectomies know that its not a walk in the park.
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Professor50
I must know, did that co-worker ever redeem herself. I mean later when times passed did she say or do something that was more sensitive?
I wonder what people think afterwards or if they even have a clue.
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Well, my potato soup is not insanely hot, if you guys know what I mean. And my brother was not invited to DD's birthday party this year!
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http://copingmag.com/cwc/index.php/rss_article/the...
THE LANGUAGE OF COMFORTING
Above is a link to coping magazine. The article helps to respond better when talking to a person coping with cancer. I personally liked the suggestions.
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I call it opening their mouth to change feet!
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RG--well, at least she has been nice about checking on how I am doing after radiation.
I hope you get to drive that car into the ground!
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Ksusan - you'd expect a LOT better of someone working in that position, wouldn't you? That must have been incredibly painful.
RG - that was an amazingly mature respond on your part. I hope she's learned to think before speaking from that.0 -
Raider girl - have to chime in on this topic. I know we all have been made to feel like our BC is contagious or we have leprosy. I can understand people might be afraid because it's hitting close to home but it's also hard to comprehend some of the most insensitive comments imaginable.
I knew a few people who were DX before me and I recall saying - I'm sorry is there anything I can do?
I had a neighbor who was the proverbial town crier telling current and X neighbors about my BC. It wasn't her story to tell but obviously that didn't matter to her. She wasn't a cruel person - just one who blabbed her own personal business so everyone else's was fair game. She would ask me how I was doing and immediately start chatting about something else so my automated response was always - I'm fine.
Luckily for me I had a few friends I could confide in -esp my fears. They were my lifelines.
We are blessed we have a website like this one to vent and compare notes. It's therapeutic for me. All of us here for the same reason- been there, done that mentality.
Diane
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Heres a few:
Stranger in thrift shop--are you in chemo?
Registrar at hospital--of course you are upset, breasts are your womanhood!
Friend I do not call anymore--wow, a tummy tuck and new boobs, you are so lucky!
Friend #2 I do not call anymore--sent a text and pic of her NEW HAIRDO. While I was in chemo and bald.
There are many more, but I get pissed recalling them. I have learned that who true friends are and how dumb and/or uncaring alot of humans are. I
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A guy I know said "Sorry for your plight" My plight? It was just way too insensitive.
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raidergirl- I like those too.
It is strange that even though I have cancer, I still struggle with what to say to others that I meet that are battling it too. I feel like I should automatically know comforting words to say. Maybe this all still too new for me.
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Here are some of my top choices:
"Did they get it all, or are you just hoping to make it to five years?"
"What stage are you?"
"New boobs. You're so lucky."
"Have you changed your diet?" (looking at my plate, with a chicken leg front and center)
"There's a cure, but Big Pharma won't let it be released because they won't make money."
"Are you going to do chemo? My friend is doing chemo and it's just AWFUL."
"My (pick one) mom/sister/aunt/cousin/neighbor/dog died of breast cancer."
And my #1 favorite:
"What's your prognosis?" (Why, are you afraid I'll fall over dead right here and scuff your shoes?)
At the same time, I'm positive I said some thoughtless stuff in the past to friends and family who were navigating a cancer diagnosis, and most people are just trying to be kind and express concern. Now that I'm several years out, I have better reserves to let insensitive comments and nosy questions just roll off.
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My mother's only comments about my cancer...
1) " Did you ever have that surgery?" Yes, a month ago. "What did they find out?" I have cancer. Same thing I told you two months ago when I had the biopsy. "Oh, I thought you were lying."
2) " Don't drink out of my water bottle. I don't want to get your cancer."
3) " I am going to take your name off my trust since you are going to die soon."
She's a real gem. I call her Beelzebub.
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justjane- I think your mom may have age related loss of filter(can say what ever she damn well pleases).
Soon after my BMX, I returned to working out at the gym. A friend of mine from the gym mentioned that I looked thinner than usual. I explained to her what I went thru. She's no dummy, she's a dentist. She looked at me & said "you eat right, you exercise, you're not overweight. It must be stress!" Huh!!!!! she's the one that's always venting about her husband, kids, job....... I feel like I have no stress to complain about in comparison.
Another bozo at the gym( who was frequently injured & icing, stretching, working with the physical therapist etc.) said something even MORE stupid. I frequently asked her about her injuries & how her rehab efforts were going. She came up to me telling me how I looked like I lost weight. I tried to make light of the situation & told here what I went thru. Even joked that it's a proven fact, that if you have your breasts removed, you'll look thinner too. She then went on to tell me that I needed to eat "good fats" like avocados & nuts. I told her that no matter what I ate, they weren't going to grow back. She did apologize a couple of weeks later.
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A friend of mine asked me "Why did you agree to have all that treatment? Disfiguring surgery and chemo poisoning etc ....? My neighbour went through all that, and he died anyway!"
My reply, "Erm, .... to save my life?"
Second friend: "That's what they (doctors) TELL you ..... It's all a big conspiracy with drugs companies to make money"
Sigh.
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This thread is really warming up! CarolynAnne, I must admit I laughed out loud at 'Sorry about your plight.' That's a new one for me.
justaverage, OMG. She is mother of the year! I would not want to drink out of HER water bottle. {{hugs}}
coraleliz -- I am now off to eat some 'good fats'
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OK... I passed my 5 years after chemo mark this year and heard my share of stupid comments during BC, single mast. and chemo. I was just dx with Stage II lymphedema (arm and chest) this month and I posted on Facebook (big mistake) the treatments that were planned, including 45 minute LE massages 3 x a week for a month and self-massage and compression garments for the rest of my life, and my friend posted, "Well, how great to have 45 minute massages!"
And another woman posted: "My friend had that and she ate only vegetables and now she's fine."
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Some of these made me laugh out loud, thanks for sharing! I thought I'd add one of mine. I was about 2 weeks post BMX (no reconstruction at this point) all wrapped up in that huge gauze strip and with my husband at my first appointment with the MO. The nurse came in and asked me all kinds of questions and took my vitals and such and then hands me this button down the front gown and tells me to get undressed from the waist up and put it on because the MO will want to do a breast exam. I hesitate and glance over at my husband and then say "Really? Well, that will be a really short exam since there's nothing there to look at". She was totally embarassed and told me to never mind and scurried out of the room. It was kind of funny but on the other hand, did you not look at my chart BEFORE you walked in here?I've also had lots of friends tell me I should be happy because soon I'll be getting new, perky boobs. OH JOY!!
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Besides the "You look great!" comments, I really haven't experienced any other stupid comments that I recall. My real problem with that comment, though, is how did I look before? You know, when I had hair and boobs and my skin wasn't pale with huge dark circles under my eyes - when no one ever found it necessary to comment on how I looked. If we could just stick to that, that'd be great.
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Hummingbird - you've hit on my pet peeve - nurses who do not check the pt's chart. I had a BMX with recon 7 years ago and it's on all my doctor's charts by now. But still, they don't look. I HATE when the nurse comes in to do all the preliminary questions and asks about when I had my last mammogram. When I say it was in 2007, they'll start to tell me how important mammograms are. At that point I always strike a tragic look and say, "I have no mammos to gram anymore." At least most of them have the grace to be embarrassed at that point.
Vicki - sorry about the LE. I was dx a year after treatment and it really hit me hard. Here I thought I was on the road to recovery when bam! I'm hit with an incurable chronic condition. A hint - when they teach you how to wrap your arm, if they don't have a detailed instructional handout or DVD, ask if you can record the therapist wrapping you, and have her explain exactly what she's doing as she wraps you. It's really helpful to be able to play that back at home later when you're trying to self wrap. Some words of hope - I was also dx with Stage II LE, but after years of careful management, it appears that I've been able to push it back a stage or so. I'm still so very careful, but after years of learning to manage it, I've picked up a few tricks to keep flares in check. I don't have to wear compression nearly as much as I used to, and I haven't had to wrap in well over a year. But I'm very vigilant, and I still keep all my supplies at the ready, just in case.
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NatsFan, I have to remember "no mammos to gram". During my last check up with my MO has asked me when my next mammogram was. I wasn't quite sure how to answer that, but I do now. Thanks. LOL!!!!
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I went to get a DEXA scan at the same center where I use to get mamograms. The tech told me "since your here we can do your mamogram also" In hind sight, I should have gone along with it. The look on her face would have been priceless. My chest is so flat, nothing can be squeezed.
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At my RO follow up appt, January last year, the nurse told me I was overdue for a mammogram.
- I don't think so, I told her. I had one less than six months ago.
- Yes, but that was just the right breast, she replied. You haven't had a mammogram on your left breast since October 2012.
- Well, said I, nonplussed, I haven't had a left breast since December 2012!!
Yeah, read the bloody chart!!
Saying that, I had a lump I was concerned about on my mastectomy scar, and the imaging centre insisted on trying to do a mammogram on that side. I tried arguing, I TOLD them I had no breast, but eventually said, ok have at 'er if you must! I felt bloody silly! I'm sure none of my chest wall really showed between the plates!
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Oh goodness this is way too funny!
When I went to meet the PS I was pretty overwhelmed at the info presented, way too many options. So he was trying to be very helpful and handed me a large basket full of "boobs" to look at and feel. First of all, I am not going to be the one feeling them, I hope! And second of all I had no idea how to choose a pair. So he is helping me select a pair and I just started to laugh. I asked him if he thought I was a "Build A Bear" just like at the mall. The nurse cracked up. Slap on some hair, draw in the eyebrows, pile on the mascara on the eyelash stubs, pluck the chin hairs, brush on blush and bronzer for color, slather on the self tanning cream, tie a scarf around the neck to cover the port, add a jacket to cover my lopsided chest, and hey just add boobs. I am exhausted, and almost late for every appointment!
When I found out how much reconstruction will cost, I decided that I should charge admission just to cover the cost!
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Beachbum, you make me smile.
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morwenna-I've heard of having mammograms following BMX without recon. It seems like it's always in Canada.
My BS hired a new medical assistant. At the start of my appt, she asked me where I had my recent imaging done so she could pull up the pics for the doc. I told her I hadn't had any done recently. She continued to push the issue. I told her I had both breasts removed so I don't need anymore imaging. She still looked confused! Then my BS came in apologizing(& laughing). She assured me there was no reason for me to ever get another mamogram. I was laughing at that point
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Well, I've now been told both by my breast surgeon and by the clinical trials nurse practitioner, who is doing my 6 monthly monitoring that I won't be having any more mammograms now I have a bilateral Mx and flap reconstruction, so I'm celebrating!
I just have to get to know my new foobs, and act on any changes or new lumps or symptoms, should they occur. Hopefully not!
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I still have mammograms on my DIEP. I guess they could find something?
I enjoyed the things people say. On my reconstructed breast I had a open sore near the reconstructed nipple and my dermatologist was saying "You need to be so careful especially near the nipple. I looked at her and said it's not a real nipple and we both laughed. She said it looks so real.
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Well if the mammogram imaging shows up the chest wall, I could see it could be of value to pick up something developing deep to the flap that might not have been picked up by palpation alone....... but most of my original tumour did not show up on imaging, so I don't have a lot of faith in that anyway.
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Thank you ladies for a good laugh today!! These comments are so hilarious, but sad too....
Yes, I had my share of stupid comments :
"Well, you're lucky to have a cancer that can be cured." Really? Glad to know BC has a cure, I'll be sure to let my MO know...
Just last month---" have you been getting your mammograms?" "No. I don't have breasts. I have flaps." Read my chart idiot.
And two years later I still get, "how are you feeling dear?" and "you look really good!"
Recently a family member was diagnosed with BC who NEVER once called me after I was diagnosed and going through surgery, etc. I called her as soon as I heard about her diagnosis, and her husband said she did not feel right talking to me as she felt bad that she had never called me after I was diagnosed because she didn't know what to say to me. I insisted he put her on the phone and when she started to apologize, I just said, "it's OK, don't worry about it." She later told me (after we spoke every few days just after she was diagnosed and when she was making the numerous rounds to all the Drs ) that I was the only one she felt really understood what she was going through. I can only hope I was helpful to her. But also feel confident now that she will be able to support someone else going through a similar crisis.
Maya Angelou once said something like --we do the best we can with what we know at the time, then when we know better, we do better.
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