Stupid comments ....
I will soon go for more surgery on Feb 27th, admitting diagnosis " undefined probable malignancy left breast"
Once again I had to bear stupid comments as in the first time I was diagnosed.
Stupid comment 1 " Oh we all have cancer cells and have concerns "
I wanted to say 'Ok you take my daily cancer concerns and I'll take yours"
Stupid comment #2 " Why don't you just get mastectomies and be done with it? After all they'll replace them with brand new breasts"
Please share yours. I'd like to believe that these types of comments are not just in my world.
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When I was first diagnosed it was because the place where I worked announced they were closing in 2 weeks so I ran out to do all my doc appts before my insurance ran out. Found out I had breast cancer, as well as no job, no insurance. After the surgery I took 2 percocets and tripped over the cat on the stairs took a dive and fractured the lower orbit of my eye and needed surgery to repair it. My sage sister announced 1) It's because you took hormones 2) Stop playing the victim
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I think I am tired of people at the office telling me I look good... I know they mean well but I didn't have the plague.
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I was talking to an ex co worker who had the same Dx as me 3 years earlier. She asked me what kind of reconstruction I was having after my Mx, when I told her I wasn't reconstructing, she spat out "Oh, how could you bear to look at yourself!" Needless to say, she's off the Christmas Card list! LOL
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Bedo
OK so far you win the Worst Comment on this thread so far.
Maybe your sister couldn't help herself. Maybe she was dropped on her head as an infant. We can only hope. LOL
I gentle hug to you..
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Ariom,
My, my..what can I say. Some folk say the first thing that pops into their heads without any thought for the listener.
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Having been on both sides of this coin, having said stupid comments and having received stupid comments, I'm inclined to give the Stupid Sayer a break. We're all nervous that we'll say the wrong thing, not that we know what the wrong thing is, so we say something we intend to be inspirational. Like 'we all have cancer cells'. I think we say stuff like that because we don't want our friend to feel alone. Good intentions, but stupid because as a diagnosed breast cancer woman, we're aren't like everyone else. We have CANCER, not cancer cells just running around harmlessly.
I know I said very stupid things to my cousin whose only son had a brain tumor. Finally, her husband had to tell me that he was going to die from this because I was endlessly optimistic. I'm sure my cousin and her husband used to roll their eyes at my good intentioned, but witless comments. They've forgiven me though, bless their hearts.
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WinningSoFar
You are 100% (well maybe 99%) right . Whenever I hear a stupid remark I ask myself what was this persons intentions. What were they trying to say.
However, once in awhile there is that 1% whose intentions are so questionable, I just sigh and get on this forum to vent.
Also, I liked your comment about the "eternal optimist". I use to think that is the way to be and act around crisis, illness etc. Now I know it is so much better to acknowledge what is happening and allow the effected persons to be and exist in the reality that they know is true.
My mom taught me how to sit like a lady and which fork to use. I wish she had taught me these social and humanity skills. I have gotten so much better. Like now I know that most people who have lost someone very dear and close are often hurt because the deceased persons name is avoided. Friend/Family don't want to say it for fear of distressing the friend but in reality the silence is worse.
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RaiderGirl: What you say is so right - not saying anything for fear of distressing someone is not the answer but I know how difficult I have found it to make encouraging remarks to someone who is obviously not getting any better or relatives of those who have passed away after a long illness. My closest friend absolutely refused to recognise the severity of her condition (not bc) and talked of plans which I knew could never take place. I could not say anything and worse for me was the fact that I was never able to say goodbye to her as that would have distressed her.
Stupidity often comes from ignorance. I cannot say that I knew that much about bc before my dx and found others' admission to be suffering from it very tricky to respond to.
" Forgive them Lord for they know not what they do" seems the best approach.
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Being the queen of "stupid comments", I have had to learn to think before spewing platitudes etc. I think we have a need to say something but it's not good to say the first thing that comes to you. Since my DX, I have heard it all and all I can think of is that I probably said something as stupid or more so to someone who really needed a kind word and a hug. Always learning.
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I have a particular "friend" who is just a complete idiot in this domain. When she found out I had cancer her FIRST remark to me was, "I cannot believe YOU got cancer. Do you know how afraid that MAKES ME FEEL?" Sorry to stress you out. The last time I talked to her she said, "So what how do you explain that you got breast cancer? Do you think its something YOU DID?" Just a complete moron. I am actually no longer interested in interacting with this woman. I hope (of course) that years from now this cancer experience will be just a memory, but I will not forget what jerk she's been.
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gemmafromlondon
When my mom was so ill (pulmonary fibrosis) she said once that its sad when one knows life will soon be over. I pooh poohed her , saying something like "You're not going to die today".
Once she become very very ill, she wouldn't say anything and didn't want to speak of it. I followed her lead at that point but I have always regretted not allowing her to speak her heart when she needed it.
Now I know, won't ever do that again do that again.
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Professor50 ... I had almost the exact same experience with my dearest friend at the time of my diagnosis. She sent me a book that pretty much said I brought the cancer on myself and that I needed some type of emotional healing and then the cancer would go away. That was almost 8 years ago. After I told her that I didn't believe one word of that nonsense, we drifted apart rather quickly. I just recently reconnected with her ... and the friendship will most likely never be repaired. Sad ... but that's the way it goes. I put up with all kinds of weird comments from my family and other friends. Unless you've had cancer ... they just don't get it.RaiderGirl ... I know what you mean about letting your mom talk about stuff. When my dad was dying of esophageal cancer, my sis and I encouraged him to talk about whatever he wanted. It was scary and hard to hear some of the stuff. But I'm glad we let him talk things out. The thing is, you can't make someone talk about their experience. I think your mom was doing the best she could at the time and you were right to follow her lead. Sending you a big hug.
Bren
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Professor 50,
I have been asked a list of what I call "did you?"
Did you smoke, did you take hormones, did you have CA in the family, ............... Its like an interrogation.
BTW: I did take hormones but most people in my circle don't know it because I can't stand the eye rolling.
Its impossible to make people understand that hormones didn't give me cancer . It only fed a growing cancer. . The cancer would have happened anyway but maybe grow slower. As my ONC MD explained. If hormones caused breast cancer the medical community would just put all women on hormone suppression unless child-bearing and end bc altogether but it doesnt work that way.
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I think that every relationship has limitations and for a lot of us, having breast cancer is the limitation. The friend cannot deal with it in a way where we feel respected, then our feelings about the friend change, and the friendship withers. Or perhaps, the friendship changes character and becomes a less intense, personal relationship. Like your best friend becoming just one of your friends, or your friend becoming someone you do things with occasionally.
Contracting a disease like cancer is a stressor on any relationship. It's sad, but I think a part of life. The best friend (once you have cancer) is one where you can say anything about your feelings and the friend doesn't judge you. That's pretty rare.
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I was once asked "what do you think YOU did that caused you to get cancer?" Gee, thanks. It was hurtful at the time since I was just diagnosed but now I look at it as a lesson on what not to say to someone. I lost my first husband suddenly at the age of 30 and I heard some awful things then too.It is hard when going through a loss or major health crisis and unless someone has gone through it themselves, I guess they just don't know and can appear insensitive or hurtful. After being on the receiving end, I tell myself that if I don't know what to say, just say nothing and give that person a hug.
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Lolis, I had almost the same reaction from a friend the year I was dx'd. Every time we'd get together for coffee, she would say how good I looked -- as if I should suddenly look like death itself. When I couldn't take it any longer, I said back to her "How am I supposed to look?!!" She never said it again after that. In retrospect, I think she was just trying to make me feel good but no one but us will for sure "get it" as to how & what we're feeling.
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My goodness...this past weekend my brother-in-law said that cancer must not be that bad because I am having chemo and haven't lost weight or my hair and I go to work everyday. I said that contrary to popular belief not everyone loses weight. Some gain weight because of the steroids. Also told him that not every chemo regimen makes you go bald, but if he wanted to talk with my hair stylist, he could or look in my shower drain every morning to see the clumps of hair that do fall out. She would tell him that I use special shampoos to hopefully plump up what I still have. I also told him that if I don't work, I don't get paid so sometimes I have to go unpaid for a day or two if chemo was extremely rough. At the end as he stood there with his mouth open, looking stupid...I told him that I would be glad to invite him to my next chemo treatment. He just walked away.
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I try not to be negative and I generally really do like people, as a rule. But some of the stupidity, the callousness, is just horrendous. One of my dearest friends got drunk, gave me this big hug, but then told me that I would be "off on the horizon waving goodbye to everyone as I went into the great unknown. And then they would "bid me farewell." I was all,"WTF?" seriously, F not H. I mean, it's not like I am dying tomorrow AND even if I was dying tomorrow what on earth are you talking about? I think it is rude to start expecting someone to help you grieve their own death. People! Seriously.
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Hi Ladies, a casual "friend" of mine, is now on the "WHO" list. When I told her I had BC, her first question was "are you going to die soon"? As far as I know everyone dies, so define soon. I was stunned, but kept on going anyway. I stopped returning her calls, and then the text came. She wanted to know how I was, so I just replied "still alive". Duh! Needless to say, the friendship has gone away, and I am good with that. I don't deal with anything negative. But if she asks another question she may go before me, uh just sayin'!
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Beachbum,
Oh you are so funny. You are to send her regular texts "still here, are you?"
I have a pet-peeve when people compare me to someone who had breast cancer too. When the Radiologist Onc warned me of possible fatigued and I commented this to my sisterinlaw she had to say that was bullsh*t because her "friend" with bc did not have fatigue. So I guess if "her friend" didn't experience than I ought to not also.
I don't want to be compared to anyone currently with bc because I also don't want to be compared with anyone dead of breast cancer either.
This experience is uniquely mine.
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Now, several years out from diagnosis, I still get a particular reaction from various family members and friends. At a social event, someone invariably sidles up to me and asks out of the corner of their mouth, "So... how do you FEEL?" I reply, "fine". They look surprised and say "But how do you REALLY feel?"
I really feel fine, dickhead. How do you feel?
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I had so many....these are the ones that first pop into my head. A co-worker told me about a best friend that died from her BC....really?? why would she think that was something I wanted to hear?? My mother would tell me from time to time how HARD it was on her to see me going thru this. As if I was supposed to comfort her, but this is how my mother is anyway. She has an amazing ability make everything about her...even my BC.
A good friend asked me a million questions and then never would let me answer. She would say things like "early detection is the key, right?" I tried to answer that I am not sure what that means as I felt me lump, had my mammo and was dx'd with stage 3. That is a huge pet peeve!!
Another friend insisted that she was going to find me a special cook-book for chemo patients so I could eat well. LOL, she meant well but she had no clue.
Anyway, I agree that for the most part they mean well and I realized early on after my dx that I surely said and behaved in ignorant ways after hearing of others illness.
Oh yes...the "you look good" thing makes me cringe. #1, I don't think I look all that good, but okay....#2 what did you think I would look like??
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LOL we could all probably do stand up comedy by now! My one co-worker would ask me to go dinner, later after the you know. Oh I know, and NO I do not want to go to dinner. Then topped that with, "I thought cancer patients lost weight". Grrr.........I lost weight all right, all of my hair and one boob. I think that's enough "weight" to lose.
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Hearing some of these makes me feel better--at least we are not alone! People can be so clueless.
One of my favorites/worst ever--I missed a meeting BECAUSE I was being diagnosed. Literally at the moment I was supposed to be at this meeting I was being told I had cancer. So, a couple of weeks later, I had to tell someone about my diagnosis and said, "You remember, I wasn't at that one meeting? Well this is why." And she said, "Well, the good news is that the meeting went REALLY WELL FOR ME!" I stood there thinking, "My 11 year old may not have his mom growing up, but you had a great meeting. Great. " Grrrrr. That was in a very early time and we hadn't even had my pathology report yet. What a piece of work.
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Beachbum & RG - thanks for a couple of much appreciated laughs today.
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Yow. These are some really good ones.
Okay, Raider Girl. It was my DD's seventh birthday party. My brother was there with his kids. He said, in full earshot of everyone at the party, 'If you die, I won't get to eat that potato soup you make, so you better make it for me before you go in the hospital this time.'
There was stunned silence. Then he said, 'Wait. I have an idea. Before you go in, write down the recipe and give it to Mom. That way I'll be able to have that soup again even if you die.'
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Bobogirl. Jaw. Dropping. There is not a jury in the world that would convict you.
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Bobo - OMG!
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I went to a prosthesis shop to look for a vest to hold the surgical drains. The idiot working there yammered on about how I should just "take them both off" and "you'll be glad you did!" This was a few days after diagnosis and I was devastated. She also argued with me about my bra size, but wouldn't measure me, and couldn't remember if I was having a lumpectomy or mastectomy, though I told her several times.
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bobogirl
You're brother was another victim of diarrhea of the mouth.
My very very best friend, the one since 6th grade, when I told her over the phone that I was diagnosed that day with IDC, she blurted, "if you die can I have your car?" Then she did this freaky maniacal laugh. I just said sure . I know she was nervous, didn't know what to say and it blurted out. I said, "I'll let that comment slide 'cause I know my car is insanely hot".
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