Stupid comments ....
Comments
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RaiderGirl - I hope surgery went well, and you are resting and comfortable. I hope it is all good news!
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NF - I have B's Breast on my list to read but right now I suspect it would only fuel my anger over what I view as limited treatment options and groupthink in the realm of BC treatment. Said anger is already pretty close to the surface at times... In many ways, I think cancer has made me a worse person rather than otherwise.0
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I am still getting asked ..... "So, are you back at work yet?"
I took a year off treatment, started back on a phased return November 2013, and was fulltime from February last year! Pay attention, people!!
Actually I have been off since Jan having reconstruction, so no doubt I'll be getting more of those questions now! *rolls eyes*
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Morwenna ... I still get asked that, most recently just last week. "Are you back at work yet?" "Um, yes, ... THREE YEARS AGO." {dumbass}
Hopefull ... I lost my "mouth filter" with cancer. These days, if I think it, I say it. Amazing how wonderful that can be when you're dealing with stupid. Surprising how often f--k you slides out.
I think my all-time favourite insensitive comment was from my sister. When I told her that I had cancer, she said, "... as if my day wasn't already bad, you have to tell me that ..." Yeah? Really? Sorry to have ruined your day 'cause - you know - my breast cancer is really all about you.
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I agree with hopeful and Selena ......
Especially when I was on treatment I felt like I was developing Tourette's. Most of my potty mouth is confined to driving alone in my car, but the odd expletive slips out in public, much to the amusement of my two boys!
I do feel it (my reduced tolerance for crap) has impacted negatively on my work life. I get more impatient with my home care patients and their families when I think they are being unreasonable (frequently!), or over anxious.
I'd like to cut my hours, and preferably do something completely different!
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SelenaWolf, wow!!! I can't imagine being able to forget (or forgive) a comment like that. And it isn't like you can "unfriend" your sister. So sorry!
MsP
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Ms.P and I do not forgive or forget easily. I don't care if people think it is 'toxic behavior.' We are women of the 70's. That's just how we roll.
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I had to giggle because after my diagnosis and telling my 13-yr-old daughter, I said..."don't worry though - I'm gonna kick cancer's a**". She got these big, huge eyes and said "mom! you don't cuss!!!" We both got a really good laugh out of that...
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Kayb - OMG! Good for you.!!!
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i was diagnosed while pregnant.had chemo throughout/after pregnancy .i was very upset that I couldn't breastfeed ...a friend said "I don't know why you're so upset about not breastfeeding...it makes your boobs saggy" .....I had my bilateral mastectomy 2 weeks ago so I guess I don't have to worry about "saggy boobs"
Another friend commented how she wishes she could've gotten new boobs after her babies.....really???? I
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Well said Kayb, I wish I could be as quick as often I think of a suitable retort way afterwards.
NurseShark - what a stupid comment. I had always understood it was pregnancy hormones not breastfeeding that contributed to saggy boobs. Mine aren't/weren't tooo bad after nursing two boy for a year each, even though I say it myself. Now only have one, and t'other is due for the chop soon. Some people have no idea what they are saying.
The stupid comment I heard recently was from a chap who I know through my sons rugby club. He'd been working in the UK (I'm from England) - something to do with healthcare. In the conversation he bluntly made the pronouncement that - 'if you got cancer in the UK you'd be dead' - hmm not what I expected - not true actually as a number of my family and friends who've had excellent tx can report. What a plonker - not very polite saying that to someone who is British and under Tx for breast cancer. I could have throttled him - just smiled politely and moved on. Too stupid to waste any time on.
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No Kay, not only do I not think you're an ogre, you've also got my permission to say that if the situation calls for it. And I can certainly understand why you DID say it back then. I hope that woman (and others) went home thinking about it and learned from it. I'll bet there isn't a woman on this board who wouldn't cheer that response.
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My next 'to be shocked' type of people are the ones who leave their trolleys all over the supermarket car park - can't wait to tell one that If I can put mine back and I'm undergoing tx for cancer then so can they. Not sure I will be brave enough - but its a nice thought! Not an ogre - just v cleaver and so quick -you have no sign of chemo brain!
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Husband: "You Had cancer so why does it keep coming up when talking about the future?" How dare I!
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I heard, "you're lucky they caught it early and it wasn't any worse" from people who have never had cancer. Really? I had 6 rounds of chemo, lost all of my hair, crawled up my steps when I was too weak, had 33 radiation treatments, my armpit turned purple and black and smelled like barbecue for the last 5 weeks of treatment, an infected port that nearly killed me and my boob now has a giant dent/dimple in it. I wouldn't consider myself "lucky". Who the f**k are you to tell me that I'm lucky? Am I lucky because I didn't die? I'm thankful that I got through it, but if I was truly lucky, I wouldn't have gotten cancer to begin with. I think people feel like they have to say something, when really all we want them to do is shut up and keep their stupid comments to themselves!
Phew! That felt great! I've been holding onto that for a while. Thanks for opening up this topic RaiderGirl!
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I don't remember which of you ladies made the comment about us not being a build a bear, but I liked that. No one seems to understand that reconstruction and breast augmentation are not the same thing. A mx and breast augmentation are not the same thing. The Angelina Jolie thing kind of made it worse, because everyone tried to tell me how brave she was, and thought everything would be just like that for me. She went to sleep with breasts and real nipples and.....she woke up with breasts and real nipples. I don't say this to minimize her situation, I am saying this because it gave people a false impression of what a typical breast cancer patient goes through. That it's quick, easy, and the results are perfect.
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Uh that would be me. I am not a Build A Bear. I told that to my PS when he was showing me all the new boobs that I could choose from. But after a week of stupid comments, I think I am now reduced to a Mr. Potato Head Toy! Take a part off and snap on a new one.
I just don't understand why people think that getting new boobs is such a great trade off. What part of I have ONE boob don't they get?? I look like I fell on a chainsaw. I feel like crap, I am fried from rads, and oh sure, new boobs are great, if I only live long enough to enjoy the new ones. I am Stage IV, like I have a year to have prolonged surgery, drains, recovery, and more surgery, more drains, and more recovery. Ugh!
Did I mention I am 58, no job because I was in treatment instead of actually going to my job, and I am broke as a joke, and in debt up to my missing boob?
So for the next person with another stupid comment, sometimes I wish breast cancer was contagious!
So for the person that asked me yesterday where it came from I so wanted to say I picked it up at Wal Mart! But I didn't want to tick off my brother................Grrrr!
Ladies have a very nice and comfortable weekend!
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I just want to send out a hug to all the ladies who have recently posted their stories! There is so much endurance required when you have breast cancer. I like to think of myself as an "endurer", not a survivor.
MsP
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Beachbum, I thought I was getting to know you by your sweet, encouraging posts on our chemo boards. But reading this side of you makes me adore and admire you even more.
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Ms P - I like "endurer" better than survivor or thriver. Right now it feels more accurate to me.
Have a good weekend.0 -
Get this one ladies: my first day back to work after a bilateral mastectomy and first round of chemo, a dumbass bitch in my office waited until all the kind well-wishers departed and said, 'I hope you are feeling better, but you do realize you are exposing the rest of us to your chemo toxins.' I was so stunned I just stood there. I almost laughed it was so crazy! I then got pissed and thought if I told the personnel managing partner in our lawfirm that she said that - without anyone to witness it of course, he wouldn't believe me. Who would ? I finally did tell him and fortunately he believed me because she had already complained to him!
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Hugs to all of you, and I say, Rant on! Let your freak flag fly! It is not at all bad to say what you are feeling, in all but the most extreme of cases.
Kayb, I think your response to that stranger was the perfectly logical next step in that conversation. The fact that you said it with a questioning tone let her know that. You are an excellent communicator. And... a bad-ass. XXX
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Why do Mothers always say the wrong things? Sigh... Some famous quotes from my Mom
"It is all of that Coke Zero you drink, you need to stop"
At a restaurant as I was putting sweet and low in my tea "You KNOW that causes cancer.." Me: "Well, too late for that, I already have cancer" I added an extra pack, just to say F-You.
Random people.. "Did you change your diet?" "Are you doing that 'so and so' cleanse"... Etc etc..
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I like the one about thanking your body for helping you learn what you need to know but now that you've learned it, the body can let go of the cancer. This is a paraphrase but the concept turns up in several of the CDs that are recommended for relaxation, healing visualizations and pre-surgical use.
The implication that cancer is sent to teach us lessons is more than I can accept. I was so offended by it I deleted all of the CDs from my iPod. I find it hard to believe the breast care center recommends (and provides) them. Of course, they're all of the "cancer is a gift" school of thought, so maybe I shouldn't be so surprised.
I did have a friend who talked about the wisdom the body is trying to share with us - I kind of gave her a pass because a) she meant well b) she was one of the few who actively reaches out to me and c) her mom died of bc so I think said friend is badly thrown by all of this.
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Hi Hopeful, if cancer is a "gift", I am not hanging out to see what other lessons it wants to teach us. I have learned way more than I ever wanted to know. But I do know this, it ain't for sissies.
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Oh Beachbum, you make my day every time I read a post from you!!!! Mr. Potato Head, I love it!!!!! I will not be able to drive by Wal-Mart again without thinking about you. I have to go home to check on my mother this coming week, she has had a heart attack and is still in ICU, and I can't wait to hear her stupid remarks to me. The last one was when I had my double mastectomy was "why are you doing that, you won't be able to satisfy your husband anymore". Satisfying him or saving my life??? hmmm...... And she wonders why I don't visit her.
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Hi SweetHope, thank you, when I read all of the crazy things that we are told I just want to junk punch them! Until they walk ONE STEP in our shoes, I don't care what they say. Then we all put on our boots, and go miles to beat this crap.
I walked this way with my best friend, and she hung in there for 3 1/2 years. Very long and very painful years, and the best I could do was hold her hand the day she decided she had enough. That was 13 years ago, and it is frustrating to know how many have gone to be with her! But I do know this, JoAnn throws one heck of a party! One day I am going to join that party, but it won't be today, and it's not because I didn't change my diet, quit eating sugar, stopped using sweetener, or drink Coke!! WTH??
Carry On Ladies, we are just using the weekend to reload!
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Beachbum, you've certainly nailed it. (I'm sort of picturing you junk punching with a nail gun... but only metaphorically).
Violet and NoMatter - I'm sorry your mothers aren't able to be there for you, emotionally. What a shame.
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Nomatterwhat, Really? I am on your side, hard to imagine she said that! But my Mother has Alzheimer's and is in a nursing home but I am sure the zingers would come from her if only she knew who I was. But truthfully, I used to think she faked it! Ah the love/hate relationships of a mother and daughter!
I do hope you have a safe trip home to see your Mother. And I hope she is doing well. But I get it. You can always tell her that you are going to take your hubby to see 50 Shades of Gray just to keep him happy
WTH............0 -
Hello all...just wanted to pop in and say thank you RaiderGirl for starting (and all for sharing your stories)! I stayed up way way past my bedtime the night I found this thread...I just could not put my laptop down!! I would alternate from being in tears, to laughing out loud in a heartbeat.
I really don't have anything to contribute, yet. But when I do, I guarantee the sting will be lessened just knowing I will have something to write on the "Stupid Comments" thread! LOL
Love and hugs...Lorie
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