Stupid comments ....
Comments
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Wigging, she's probably thinking that you've skipped chemo because of her comment and will use you as an example of someone who didn't have chemo and did just fine. You can't win!
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Hi everybody,
I am new to this forum and wanted to share my own experience.
A friend of mine told me something like ...well you have been taking hormones .......not all tumors are bad, I wouldn't have mine operated ...........radiotherapy, you know how bad that is for you?
This all happened during one telephone conversation
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Arrgh, recurrenceanxious! I know what you mean. Speaking just for myself, before I told anyone, set out my preferences for what I would and wouldn't tolerate from folks. Then I shared the news (small circle first, wider later once I had my treatment plan).
My big rule/rules: I'm dealing with MY cancer and I will not listen to any advice or story about anyone else's experience or treatment recommendations. I told everyone that if they started to tell me about some supplement or warning or their sister/mother/whoever, I would stop them and cut off the conversation. Everyone took me seriously and all went well. If anyone was offended, I really didn't care.
My cancer, my story, my rules, I told them. I'm pretty stubborn. It certainly kept my stress levels down and to me, that's what mattered.
I wonder if something like this could help in future conversations with your friend and with other people.
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Hi PatsyKB,
Good for you! I have noticed that friends with relatives who went through this were much nicer. It was always like ...you have been diagnosed early, my mom went through the same, you're gonna be fine
So I am trying to stay in that circle otherwise I have to defend what food I eat, how scrupulous I am with my health by allowing God forbid surgery on myself, etc.
Take care
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I just had a mastectomy 5 days ago. I called an in-law, who had texted me saying, "Hey call me if you need anything". So I called and said I wonder if she knew a nurse that I could hire to come by and change my bandage. I wasn't ready to see myself yet. I was trying not to cry when I asked her. She is a med tech, but worked with a number of nurses. Her response was "Well I sure don't want to see that either". Um, ok then. I was already a day late, so DH and I changed the dressing. Shocked to see how I looked, but got thru it. The next day she sent me a text saying "Did you find someone"? "My best friend is an RN and lives near you". Ok, so she didn't remember her best friend was an RN, that lived near me yesterday, but remembered today. Thanks for nothing. I hope that I don't have to see her at any family functions for a very, very long time.
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Even if I understand that you don't volunteer your best friends without asking them first, just not mentioning it is rotten
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You want stupid comments? Try being a guy with breast cancer :-)
My favorite was when someone asked if I was some sort of hermaphrodite and whether my two children were my own
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Charles_Pelkey , that's just wretched.
One of my husband's good friends from high school had BC (not sure of his exact dx) and I can only imagine the stupid comments he probably got too.
People
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Shows the ignorance a lot of people have about breast cancer. I think it’s time to get into the 21st century and show men in commercials as breast cancer patients. Times to change the ribbon and put some blue in it. (BTW, I’m not a fan of the ribbon and the pinking of breast cancer. I know some are into it and some aren’t. Personal choice.)
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Not exactly stupid comment, but I thought I'd post it here.
A couple of weeks before my mastectomy I called my insurance to inquire about post mastectomy bras coverage. The young girl on the line clearly had no idea what's mastectomy, but kept going with a lot of confidence (I am sure they have some kind of a standard script to follow):
Is it the first time time you are having mastectomy this year?
Are you planning to do another mastectomy later this year?..
When we were done I asked her a favor. To Google mastectomy. Hope she did.
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some of these really make me chuckle.
I have one that wasn't so much stupid as it was inconsiderate. When my hair grew back after chemo, it came in CURLY!! Not waves but very kinky and tight curls. After being bald for several months I was looking forward to getting back to looking like myself. I had been positive thru all of it but really couldn't hide the disappointment I felt about my hair. It didn't feel like me or look like me. I complained about it to my best friend a few times and she told me "you should just be happy to have hair again". the 2nd time she said that to me I replied back that after all that I had been thru it was very hard to look in the mirror and not see yourself. It was a year later and I just wanted to look like my old self again. but I really don't think she understold at all. What I really wanted to say to her "after all I have been thru, there are many many things I am grateful for right now but this hair is not one of them and until you have walked in my shoes you do not have the right to tell me what I should be grateful for." but I didn't and Even now a year latet , it still bugs me and causes me hurt that she said that to me. I just really needed her to listen and sympathize with me at the time.
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Dear Runner,
I am stealing your phrase: you don’t have the right to tell me what I should be grateful for! That struck a chord.
Well put.
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Hill. arious.!
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Employee at medical MJ dispensary when I went the very first time: "Congrats!" (On getting a card). um. Maybe under other circumstances.
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Very minor -- really people have been pretty good about this so far -- but I was shopping for dangly earrings the other day, because my hair is in process of coming out. The woman who owns the shop said something about how I won't need much hair product for a while. I said, "I know there are a lot of great things about not having hair, but I'm really not feeling it right now." The look on her face was enough. She got the message.
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I'm tired of people telling me how beautiful and strong the hair comes back after chemo. I'm sick of people telling me how "good I look" when inside I feel like shit. And I'm tired of having to explain that my body aches are not because "the weather was very wet lately"...
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Yndorian, I know what you mean. On the other hand, I'd rather they tell me I "look good" than tell me I look tired, or sick, or weird with the bad hair. It's true, it means that they don't know how we actually feel. And mostly we can't tell them in a way they could understand. I try to see it is as their attempt to be encouraging. But it does happen a lot, doesn't it?
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A friend of mine had stomach cancer a long while back (she's doing great to this day!), and she lost a lot of weight from the cancer and her treatments. A person who hadn't seen her in a while and didn't know about her condition remarked, "You look so nice and slim!" "Thank you," she replied, "but I really wouldn't recommend my diet regimen."
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Miriandra, I lost a lot of weight last year due to kidney cancer. I got the, "Oh, you look so good!" comments then. Now I've gained the weight back because I stopped smoking, and because I don't have an evil Pac-Man inside me eating me from the inside, and I get, "Oh, you looked so good last year!" So far, I've managed to NOT say "Let me get another cancer and it'll take it right off again!" So far.
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HA! I vote against another cancer.
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Alice: I also have to contain myself not to say the obvious: if you like chemo hairstyle so much ... well, you know what you should do ... (Ok. I won't say it 🤐)
MountainMia: I appreciate people having good intentions but I don't appreciate being lied to my face ... and believe me, I don't look so good 😋
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I'm about 16 weeks PFC and just started going without my cap. My hair is about.3/4 of an inch in its longest spots. Went out to dinner with the family Saturday night and my MIL saw my head for the first time and yells across the restaurant ..."you have hair". After everyone else tells her to calm down she proceeds to comment, ask questions...if I thought it would be curly (my hair before was), you going to keep it short, color it, etc. My FIL finally told her to drop the subject, I was obviously uncomfortable with discussing the topic, especially then and there! She started asking the rest of the family what they thought of my hair! They all ignored her questions.
I also like the “Sometimes it comes back different, hopefully yours will come back straight!" I had very curly hair prior to chemo, I liked my curls, I learned to embrace them and they were part of my identity. Nice to know some of my people didn't like them!
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The one that triggers me to this day is women who don't have breast cancer saying mastectomy is no big deal, oh yeah, I'd say just cut them off, no problem, and I'd be fine with it. I highly doubt that. And the person who said that to me was my mother. She was also one of the first people in line for breast implants when that started, late 1970s, still has them, and one of the most appearance-obsessed people you'd meet to this day. She once cried inconsolably for weeks after a bad haircut. Hmm, something tells me that statement is not remotely true.
Today I saw a post for women in menopause who have much larger breasts that they don't like now due to hormonal fluctuations, weight gain, hrt, etc and two women said a mastectomy would be great, one said, if I found out I had to have a double mastectomy I'd be there with bells on!! It took everything I had not to respond, well breast cancer happens to alot of women, maybe you'll get your wish! Good luck!! But I don't think you'll find the whole experience quite as joyous as you imagine.
I came here to vent instead. I understand body dsymorphia and women wanting breast reductions or even removal, but that is not the same experience as finding out you have cancer and involuntarily being forced to have them removed, along with everything else that comes with that. And it negates the feelings many, if not most of us have about mastectomy, which is far from celebratory. Hey, c'mon, it's just boobs, what's the big deal?!
I know there is also a hair variation of this stupid comment, it's just hair, big deal, I wouldn't care, I wouldn't have to fight this unruly hair every morning, I'd have fun with it, ha ha! Well why haven't you had your hair and your breasts removed then, since they're such an unimportant and constant hassle? Let me give you the name of my surgeon, make sure you tell her to take your nipples and lymph nodes too, so you get the full 'no big deal and a welcome relief' experience!
I really don't know if they're just blurting it out without thinking it through at ALL (ugh, so tired of lugging these heavy boobs around all day), if it's some dysfunctional need to display what they imagine would be their superior coping skills in the situation, or if it's meant to make us feel better somehow, as in, these things don't really matter in the grand scheme of life and you'll still be awesome, but it pisses me off immensely. 😤 To them I say, if you haven't been through it, you don't have a clue how you'd feel so don't try to silence or negate the feelings of those who have by dismissing it as nothing or some sweet, maybe even lucky, bonus you would welcome.
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Woof! Yeah, some things are so much easier to say when you have absolutely no skin in the game.
Although, I see that as an improvement over the, "Oh, you'll get a free boob job!" comments. 🤦♀️
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Agree, that one HAS to be in the stupid comment Hall of Fame on here. It's either lucky you, free boob job or lucky you, no boobs I guess, and neither could be further from the truth. I can't imagine another deadly disease where these kinds of comments would be made, and so frequently. Oh hey, you'll never have to worry about saggy balls after you get those free testicular implants as part of your prostate cancer treatment, sweet deal! It's unthinkably stupid, insensitive, and crass.
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Stupid things people have told my daughter.
- You got cancer because you got the COVID vaccine (from close family)
- You got cancer because you grew up with a negative dad and he passed that negativity to you (from immediate family)
- First thing out of their mouth. "You are so young"
- Doctors who have daughters same age and are visibly "spooked"
- ohh but you'll get new boobs
- That's great she caught it early before even knowing if she really did catch in early
- But she's going to be okay while trying to deal with the uncomfortable
What about you?
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"Oh, she's so strong! And she never asked for any help."
No, I didn't ask for help, because I didn't want to feel like a burden. No one offered to help, they just waited for me to cry uncle and admit defeat. Which, if you know me, I'm not going to do. So please, I wish they'd have made the first move on that.
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If it helps: I worked for a law firm 30 years ago that was a member of the Dow-Corning/Dow Chemical defense team on the breast implant litigation, & I can tell you that after exhaustive examination, no link was ever found between silicone & the various illnesses the plaintiffs developed. The NIH confirms. Feel free to share with your sister.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1288052/pdf/10700847.pdf0 -
A lot of new data and studies have come out about Breast Implant Illness in the twenty years since that report.
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/34882509/
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