Stupid comments ....
Comments
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Hi, Lorie - thanks for chiming in. Hopefully you won't encounter any horribly stupid, offensive remarks. If/when you do, maybe this thread will help you keep them in perspective. Some we can laugh about. The truly hurtful we need to be prepared to mentally slough off so they don't continue to harm us long after the speaker has forgotten the conversation.
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RaidergIrl - how are you??
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Well, kayb... you are. You are a bad-ass.
Yes, Raidergirl -- how are you?
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(((Raidergirl)))
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'I hope you are feeling better, but you do realize you are exposing the rest of us to your chemo toxins.'
Quiltrunner, I keep thinking i can't be shocked any more by people's stupid comments, but that one really does take the biscuit!
In your shoes I think I would have imagined that I had misheard! Whatever did you say in reply??
What did your boss say??
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Yes, that one really was off the charts, wasn't it?
I, too, hope we hear from RG but it's a bit soon for her to be working on her laptop.
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quiltrunner- The narcissism of your coworker is unreal. Her comment is off the chart!
In the early days, I use to try & stop people before they got those stupid comments out of their mouths.
I'd say things like "the last time I wanted breasts I was only 14" "that's a lot of extra s*** to put oneself thru for a couple of hood ornaments" It often worked. I'm sure I offended some. Then one day after making those 2 comments to a coworker, she said to me "well you won't have anywhere to put your phone" WTF Not that I ever carried my phone in my bra(when I had reason to wear one)
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Yep, quiltrunner, Ms. ChemoToxins takes the cake. She is awarded the prestigious double junk punch.
RaiderGirl, I hope you are resting comfortably and hearing some good news.
I'm really moved by your stories, gals. You have so much on your plates and yet you are still gracious when faced with stupidity and insensitivity. I send you my best wishes for a freaking break and friends with big ears. (You do look amazing, btw.)
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quilt runner......i was shocked by the comments of your colleague. In this day of political correctness, doesn't she realize that she could be putting her employer at risk for allowing a hostile work environment to exist. Hopefully she was put on a performance plan that includes a daily junk punch.
MsP
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Ms. P, I think you should be promoted to head of Quilt Runner's company.
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my DH (who has been mostly wonderful throughout this ordeal) just said I am I hypochondriac because I sometimes don't seem to realize my BC is gone. I told him I know that, but it doesn't stop the fear it might come back from rearing it's ugly head from time to time.
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Ms. P: You made me laugh.
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chemotoxins lol. I had someone say they didn't want to bring kids over to my place after I had chemo because of chemo toxins ....geez I wonder how my poor baby felt in utero while getting chemotherapy...and the months since....uh pretty sure if he survived it your kid will be fine..
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I think chemo toxins must work kind of like "cootie spray", keeps the morons far, far away from us. Far enough away we do not need to listen to their stupidity and unkind words.
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BayouBabe - I knew there had to be a silver lining in there somewhere (aside, I mean, from that fact that we've all received this huge gift of cancer and that it will make us better people.)
Kayb - Unfortunately, it's been trending that way for a while here in the States, at least.
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My top 3 stupid comments are:
- "don't post anymore pics of yourself on FB...you look too good and some people at work might get the wrong idea" (this one reminded me of the perils of FB so I deleted a whole bunch of "friends")
- "at least you got the "good" cancer (i don't need chemo)....so I guess that makes it good??? Seriously???
-"just cut them off, be done with it, who cares what you look like" - from my MIL who knows that last Feb I finally made my sad little boobies pretty and had breast augumentation (and spent 10k on them)
Stupid can be done with ignorance...but it can also be passive aggressive but the bottom line is that stupid can really hurt.
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JJOntario: I never realized there was a "good kind " of cancer.
I never know what to say when people ask if mine is the good or bad kind ? I usually say well it seems pretty f'ing bad to me...
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Chemo toxins?? goodness, people are just ridiculous.
I had someone tell me that about taking my boobs off too basically that she wouldn't miss her as at all if she was in situation. Really?? *sigh*
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Nurseshark - That is the best comment ever!
A few people have said that to me "no chemo? oh well it can't that bad" Wtf?? Okay...A "friend" I ran into said to me,
Her- I heard you were sick. Me- Yes I am, I have breast. I am 3 weeks out from mastectomy, I'm still walking around with these drains in my chest. Her- What? you had a vasectomy?? Me- Umm, no, a mastectomy is removal of your breast because of breast cancer, a vasectomy is a procedure for sterilization of a man . Her- Ohhh (eye roll)
I guess she was pissed that I corrected her.
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BayouBabe, LMAO...."cootie spray". Yet another weapon in our arsenal to keep the stupid at bay. I should have told my husband how dangerous I was when I was on chemo so he would stop using my bathroom and making such a mess.
MsP
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tangandchris - if she wouldn't miss her boobs if she had cancer, please let her know that I could use a matching set.
NurseShark - the good cancer? Is there good chemo for it too?
Hopeful - since we all have the "gift", when do we all get to be better people? WTH?
JJOntario - "who cares what we look like?" I f**king do, I have ONE BOOB!
Chemo Toxins and Cootie Spray - Hilarious! Sadly we cannot fix stupid, we can only reload!
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kayb - LOL now that is a great idea! Sometimes we just play the "C" card.
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RaiderGirl, I hope you are doing well, and resting. I have nothing but snow and ice today, so I stayed in to rest. Take Care
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Oh, I thought I had the good one 'cause it comes with pink ribbons and races and all. Not so much?0
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Yes, pink ribbons, races, events where people dress in wild pink tutus and wigs and wear crazy bras on the outside of their tee shirts and wave pom-poms and celebrate!
My favorite is the "I (heart) my boobies!" Yeah...I (hearted) my boobies too, until they tried to kill me.
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Beachbum
Im back to work. I feel dizzy. I think I wont do a whole day.
Even though I am certain that the results will be clear ( I call this intuitive diagnostics). I feel sad today, and yesterday too. I feel like damaged goods.
Stupid comment dujour: The new incision is right on the upper half of my breast. I was told that it would be on the outer side of the breast where there is already a scar from a previous surgery. So I was disappointed when I saw the incision. I was not mad, or panic or tears. Just the oh sh*t kinda of feeling. The recovery room nurse said " Well, how often do you wear low cut tops anyway?'
I feel like I have no right to even say anything (except here of course) .
So hoping that there is no judgement on this forum, I mourn the changes in my body. I accept that is how it is and I am grateful for so much but I still feel sad that I have to give in to all this and shut up about it too. Then I feel guilty because I know I have a great deal to be grateful for and I also know how much all the women on this forum have had to endure.
And to answer the nurses comment: "I wear low-cut all them time, but maybe no more. I would donate them to you but you don't have attitude for that style of clothing."
My mom-in-law (she is a dear). says the scars will improve in time . Even if it still very visable she says I ought to wear it like a badge of courage.
We'll see, for now I just wait for lab results. Perhaps I won't have a breast at all soon.
I better get off this site today before I drag everyone into the muck with me.
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I think the most insensitive comments I have heard yet came from my pregnant sister-in-law (who I am very close to). She kept comparing my chemo side effects to her pregnancy ones. Look, we are both so tired and stiff. Or OMG, we are both having food aversions. Or I don't understand why people on the NYC subway don't give up their seats for us. Or how annoying is it to constantly have all of these doctors appointments.
I know she means well and was just trying to find a way to relate to me. But enough was enough. I told her as nicely as possible that what we were going through was not in any way similar. She was experiencing one of the happiest times in her life by creating a new life, while I was going through the worst time in mine by fighting everyday for my life. She got the message and hasn't said anything since!
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RaiderGirl, so happy to hear that your surgery is over. I hope you can focus on your intuition for a good outcome instead of the comments of a nurse who should know better. Why do people awkwardly try to find the silver lining when there really isn't one? Sometimes, you just want someone to say, "I'm so sorry you are going through thiis." So, that's what I am saying. RaiderGirl, I am so sorry you are going through this.
Love, MsP
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Ms. P, you rock, as usual. RaiderGirl, I am so sorry.
Listen. Before my BMX I had about one million biopsies, including two excisional biopsies. One was from my rib cage all the way to the nipple, in a long line, the other was straight up and down (from an 11 cm biopsy). I have to say, I totally feel you. That first biopsy devastated me. I was crawling around to avoid mirrors. I felt deformed. And then with the second one, although it was smaller, I felt so much worse.
F that nurse who commented about low-cut tops. It has nothing to do with that! You have to live alone with yourself, just you and yourself. And sometimes it's hard to get through that part.
It's so hard to be flat on your back, just accepting whatever comments people want to serve you. The fact is, they just want you to shut up so they can get on with what they are doing. I have an excellent comment for those kinds of nurses, and for 'fellows' and residents and even doctors -- in fact, for anyone you don't want to talk to anymore, even though you feel you are in a powerless position. I have found that it works. Next time someone is near you doing something you don't like, just look them in the eye and say to them, Move away from me.
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First of all Raider Girl I am so sorry you're having a bad time today - please feel free to vent here anytime you want - you aren't dragging us down.
Mrs. P - your comments are always to the point and as Bobogirls says "you rock"!
Bobogirl - I used that "move away from me" when in emerg last summer - there were four people all directing me to do three things at once and I had just had the "bleed of a lifetime" - everyone backed off and a few minutes later I was able to breathe and get everyone back to my bedside - after that things that had been going downhill suddenly turned around - sometimes the stress from other people is just more than we can or should bear.
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