Stupid comments ....
Comments
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I also have a mother with 'filtering' problems. After I told her that the panel of specialists at the comprehensive cancer center (have to spell it all out for her) said I should do chemo first and then surgery she said "and are you happy with that?" Really mom? Yes! I'm delighted to have 5 months of chemo - thanks for asking!
In the same conversation we were discussing the BRCA testing and the genetic counselor thinking I'm high risk because of my dad's family history. Mom says "I should have screened him better before having kids" Of course she quickly retracted that one saying that if she had done that she wouldn't have had me and that would be worse. Uh huh...ok mom...tell me how you really feel!
Then there was my brother "WTF! You're the healthy one!" And "so are you a mutant?" (Referring to the genetic testing) LoL...that one was pretty insensitive but that's a big brother for ya.
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Stupid comments:
1. "At least if you have a mastectomy you can get DD implants!"
2. "What did YOU do to cause your cancer?"
3. "How much of your boob are they taking?"
4. Lady: "What stage are you?"
Me: "Stage 2"
Lady: "Oh my GOD! Really?That's horrible.I was only Stage 1."
There have been many more so I posted this on my blog:
https://wendipoprock.wordpress.com/2015/02/09/top-10-wendipoprock-myleftboob-questions/
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Ok so I know everyone means well but....
My sister "How did you get it? Do you think it's what you eat?" (This was asked repetitively until I said there is no point blaming myself for what I did or didn't do)
My brother-in-law "Well at least you'll get a new set of boobs!"
My sister-in-law when speaking with my MIL "Why didn't she just get a Mastectomy?!"
My sister, "Well at least when you do chemo you will lose weight!"
My naturopathic dr "I know you won't say this now, but when you are done tx you will look at cancer as a gift." (Done tx, nope, not a gift!)
My oncologist "There is no point scanning you again. If your cancer comes back, we won't be able to do anything except palliative care, so it doesn't help finding it earlier." (Really? Without even knowing the situation?)
My hubby, "You don't really have cancer".
Well meaning acquaintance "Don't worry, they can cure breast cancer now...you'll be fine."
Hubby when he was hugging my friend "so much nicer hugging a woman with 2 boobs instead of 1 & 1/2!"
I could list more but I'm tired and must go to bed.
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CanuckMom.. Hmmm...I think your hubby's comment might just " take the cake " !!!!!!
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Since loosing my hair to chemo - something I think I found one of the most benign but difficult side effects of chemo - I am constantly hearing comments about my hair and how much it's grown! My M&D, bless them back in the UK so only speak to me on skype, mentioned it daily at first and had to be put off by my sister. I do try not to get nippy with anyone as I'm sure they mean well. At first it grew back grey v curly and everyone seemd to love it except me. In Southern California its seems no one has their hair short and certainly no one leaves it grey. I was told (not advised more like ordered) very forcefully by a friend at the gym that I shouldn't colour it and should leave it grey. Perhaps she should leave her blond hair to go grey and see what it feels like. Little did everyone know I cringed every time I went out. It's a little longer now and thankfully I've now got enough to dye it and it its back to brown.
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oh and btw CanuckMom - your comment tells me I'm not the only one with a husband that wouldn't make it In the diplomatic service- too funny - how he feeling now - has the bruising gone down?
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CanuckMom, that's quite an impressive list of clueless comments!
This one isn't exactly a stupid comment, but a link. A well-intentioned friend directed me to an LA Times article, saying "hard to read, but important info." I thought it must be something new on the diagnosis and treatment of breast cancer. Instead, it turned out to be Laurie Becklund's posthumously published piece on having Stage 4 cancer after thirteen years of being in remission. (You'll find a link to it and many comments in our Stage IV forum.)
I'm sure my friend thought I would find it of interest, but the timing was just terrible! It's twelve days after my lumpectomy, and I'd been feeling relieved at having dodged a bullet, as I regain my strength and get ready to meet with my surgeon to discuss what happens next. Now I've been reminded just how precarious my situation--perhaps all our situations--really are.
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Larkspur, OMG!
Oh, you guys. My heart is aching for everyone on this thread this morning. Sometimes it is funny, sometimes I want to gather us all up and live in a villa together without any outside interference!
It seems the people around us (don't want to say 'closest to us') are the worst offenders! And so we've got to keep our guards up even in our own homes. {{{everyone here}}}
Canuck mom, my jaw literally dropped when I read yours. Get a new oncologist, STAT! And your husband's comment? Oh no... I want to knock him on the head with a frying pan!
{{{canuck}}}
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Canuck - if you're thinking of "cleaning house" I'd suggest first the hubby and then the onc. - wish people would think before they open their mouths!
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Sandy says what I cannot say!
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Just few weeks ago I saw someone that I had not seen since my diagnoses and treatment. HER " hey Stacie "how are you doing" ME " I'm hanging in there, good days, bad days" HER "you look putrid". ME, I kind of thought she said " you look pretty good" but when I looked at her confused she repeated herself "putrid, you look so pale". ME, I looked at her and said "I guess cancer is kicking my a$$ more then I thought". HER, "so, no chemo?". ME, "No, chemo does not respond to the type of cancer I have" HER, oh, well it can' be too bad then. ME, of course (deep breath). HER, "my friends sister had the same type of cancer you had but different (??), she had chemo, she died like a year later". ME, I'm sorry she lost her she, it's a terrible cancer".
I left, I cried all the way home. I cried so hard I had to pull over, I couldn't see where I was going. Needless to say, she will be avoided0 -
Stacie, I am so sorry that you had to deal with such an insensitive idiot! What was she thinking?? Any day upright and mobile is a win in my book. Next time you see her, tell her to back up you may be contagious still!!
My "friend" sent me a text and wanted to know if I was still alive?? WTH? I texted back NO. She did not respond. DUH.
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Beachbum! That made me literally LOL!
Stacie--I was called "bedraggled"!! during radiation. And I thought I was looking pretty good (or was that putrid...).
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I swear, these terrible comments people are making to you guys make me want to kick someone. Who will it be?
Professor, get back to your grading! No, wait, I'm the one who is supposed to be grading.
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Hi beachbum
First your post was hysterical.
I am not in any way questioning your decision to not reconstruct. I always though that sounds like the need for a carpenter or cement mixer,
I was just surprised when you mentioned the cost of reconstruction? I was told that it is mandatory for health insurance to pay for reconstruction as well as surgery on the opposite breast for the sake of symmetry . I even received a letter from the insurance company siting the law the mandates them to pay for this.
I will never again pass a Build A Bear without thinking of you.
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CanuckMom, tell your husband you have an extra boob -- HIM!
Diagnosis with DCIS means that everyone tells you how lucky you are. I do feel fortunate that it had not yet become invasive, but two lumpectomies and a mastectomy later, "lucky" was not how I felt.
Then I had flap reconstruction and every woman I talked with offered to donate her fat to me. Then there are the jokes that I can flash someone and moon someone at the same time. Ha. Ha. There was a point that I could joke about these things just to make the friend more comfortable, but I can't even manage it anymore. This whole thing sucks, it's aged me, and I want to feel like myself again. Because I've treated the DCIS as aggressively as possible, any oncologist I talk to says, "There's nothing else you can do. Just let me know if your bones start hurting." And every once in a while I see a post from someone with the same diagnosis and treatment posting in the Stage IV board. It's not funny, friends.
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LAstar
I felt fortunate that the BC was diagnosed early but I never felt fortunate.
When you hear those stupid , insensitive remarks, say nothing, do nothing, just look at them right in the eye. They will start to stammer and tap dance to get out of it. I know it mean in a way but I cant help myself.
People all seem to categorize BC into levels. What they don't seem to understand is that the fear, the pain of surgery, and rads, and meds and.......all of it is the same for stage 0 on up.
Everytime i see the MD, MO or RAD MD they must ask a dozen times if I am having problems breathing or if I am coughing.
I try not to think of it alot.
Friday I have another incision biopsy for " probable, undefined, unconfirmed malignancy left breast"
I have already been told how lucky I am .
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OMG, LA Star! That is not funny! Be my friend. I will never say any of those things to you.
What is wrong with people? I don't want to make excuses for them. It is just not okay.
Raidergirl, in the bag for your excisional biopsy. You are going to kick ass, and we will be right there next to you.
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Bobogirl,
I feel more encouraged and supported by complete strangers on this site than some of my closest friends.
Thank you, I will kick ass.
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I have never understood people's compunction to comment on how you look.
I mean, if one is dressed up for a schwanky evening out, or maybe spent $$$ on a new hairdo, you might want to comment favorably, but ....
A couple of weeks ago I had to pop into work to drop something off. I had, the day before, just been diagnosed with extensive clots to my lungs, and I was feeling down and shocked about that, sick, tired and short of breath, yet several people insisted on telling me, " Well, you LOOK so well!" "You have a good colour" etc etc. I didn't care HOW I looked. I felt "sick as a parrot!!"
I remember when I was pregnant with my first. I was at work. I felt a little tired maybe, but doing ok..... Some dick of a colleague thought she should inform me "Pregnancy really doesn't suit you, does it?" STFU!! I was FINE til you opened your big mouth!
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After chemo my hair was starting to look a little ragged growing out. I treated myself to a stylish (if you could call it that) haircut and a spa day. My Mom, gotta lover her, tells me " l like your hair better long" and "It's so white" to which I replied "I'm just happy to have hair".
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Hi RaiderGirl, bobogirl, LAStar, sewingnut, and Morwenna, Good evening! I guess we can't fix stupid, and it seems that stupid is everywhere!
I know I don't feel "LUCKY", how lucky is Stage IV? And please do not look at me with sad eyes and tell me how sorry you are. I am standing in front of you, so not dead yet!I I do not want to hear about your dead neighbor/aunt/uncle/brother/mother/father/or a dog/cat. Really do you think I haven't heard that people die from this?
Why do they feel like they have to tell us how good we look? I always want to respond, oh sure still alive. And then ask them if I drew my eyebrows on straight. Bite me.
And just what cancer is the good kind? Or just how bad was your friends chemo? Well I can tell you.
Or my favorite, "Well at least it is only a boob", and so are you! Grrrr..........
We all get the fear, the pain, and plain terror when we hear "You have cancer" no matter where or the stage because we all know there ain't no 5!
So for all of the wonderful Ladies putting on their cancer killing butt kicking boots, we will stomp on another day. Because every day for us is a victory. And I count every day a win, no matter what!
Game On!
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Aside from my second MO (my first was off procreating) greeting me with the words "oh, tell me about your hair," I've not had many terrible experiences. Once, while I was in a home cooking restaurant with my JP tubes pinned to a hoodie and was, of course, bald, a woman chased my into the restroom yelling, "sir, sir, you are in the wrong bathroom." I told her I was a woman who just happened to have cancer. Rather that apologizing, she ran after her friend to coax her into the restroom as her friend evidently thought I was laying in wait to harm them. Sigh.
But I read something appalling in the 2014 Camcer Guide. An ad for wigs had this woman's phone a this quote: "I thought the day I was DXed with Stage IV BC was the worst day in my life. That is, until my hair fell out. People are just weird.
I did have a really nice experience at a Marcia Ball concert. I went with my stubble head and after the show, Marcia and her band did a meet and greet. Now many of the concert goers stared at me at though I had the plague. One guy decided he'd simply push me out of line -- until she saw that my DP was ready to deck him.
Even Marcia and her band were a little braced. As I met her, I said, "I have cancer and can't do a thing with my hair." This led to much laughter as her bass player wiggled his toupee and asked me if I could do that, which turned into an orgy of head petting and a dinner that lasted six hours and a continued friendship.
Sometimes, amidst the stupid people with their bizarre words, there is still room for laughter.
bride, feeling lonely and guilty because I went Emerita early and so am not suffering through gradin
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There is nothing like a discussion board full of wonderful folks that "get it!"
I'm a big Marcia Ball fan now! How wonderful!
I really liked these articles about talking to someone with cancer and talking about one's own cancer (including dealing with stupid comments and remembering that other people are also going through stuff). I read these only 4 months before I was diagnosed, not knowing how applicable they would become.
http://www.salon.com/2011/12/13/how_to_talk_to_som...
http://www.salon.com/2011/12/14/how_to_talk_about_...
I've certainly been guilty of putting my foot in my mouth a time or two! With the exception of the truly clueless, most of the time this situation comes down to who has had to endure a traumatic experience and who hasn't. The people who sprung into action when I was diagnosed weren't always the ones that I was closest to at the time but were the ones who KNEW about these things. I have learned a lot from them and try to forgive those who are lucky to have skated through so far.
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I raised a lot of money to help my students decrease the cost of an international service project they're going on over spring break by letting my coworkers and friends outbid each other to choose my summer hair style, which wound up being a candy-colored mohawk with buzzed sides with spoke designs shaved in, a rat tail, and glitter. It was a giant hit at my professional convention. If I need to do chemo, I'll shave my head and see if I can get everyone to pitch in the same donation they made last year, but to a cancer organization. Couldn't hurt to try, and then if anyone says anything stupid, I'll hit 'em up for double.
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Scwilliy, bobogirl, 208Sandy - yes the hubby thought he was being funny. I was quite hurt at the time, but have forgiven him since.
Raidergirl - hoping for the best on your biopsy results!
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I love the comment of having a boob for a husband. Thanks for the much needed laugh.
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Canuckmom: {{{hugs}}} You are so sweet to forgive.
Bride: No grading? No paper grading? Say more. I am jealous.
ksusan: You ROCK!
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CanuckMom, I'm glad your husband was just kidding! Maybe not his best joke, but a partner with a sense of humor is the best.
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Raider - I just had to say I love your caption phrase!!! So f-in true.
Bobo - your brother sounds just like mine -- opens mouth several times a day and inserts foot.
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