Stupid comments ....
Comments
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I have not told very many people about my BC, only those I thought I could really trust to be positive and supportive....
then I got a text from a friend on my birthday, just one month after being diagnosed it said,"Happy B-day, so glad you made it to 41, I hope you make it to 42!!"
How very sensitive and reassuring, no? Obviously, my friend judgement is waaay off.
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Oh, jeez, Englishmummy! So sorry. Yes, a reassessment is definitely in order here.
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Stupid comment number 1. Oh wow, so you are getting a free boob job right? a female ex co-worker. Stupid comment number2. I think you need to go on a vacation you will feel better. Family member.
I told the first person that no it isn't free and that is least of my worries., and well the family member I got a bit snarky with, and told her that if a vacation could solve this I would be on the next plane to anywehre but here.
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I have told several people about my diagnosis including two people I have known since I was 16 and am still close to at age 45. I was shocked when they were the two most insensitive of all.
Friend #1 - called a few days later to see how I was."wow. When you told me all I could think was life is short and no one is guaranteed tomorrow. " REALLY?? This really does not bring me comfort.
Friend #2 - constantly worrying I'm going to die. I have had to reassure her even though I still worry about that!! I told hubby I didn't have the energy to make sure friend is ok.
Luckily, I do have friends that know the right thing to say!
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Faye,
Your friend's idea that since you made cancer work (an interesting choice of words) you should visit her is insane! She get off her sorry ass and visit you. For some reason your friend really got me pissed off. Her idea of friendship is way screwed up. With friends like that...
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Sasschatzi,
Just a note to,say I really like your posts. And your attitude.
Englishmummy,
All I can say is that your texting friend should worry about making it to her next b-day. It's dangerous to be as stupid as her.
Nagoskwe,
I suggest your family member magically be able to take your place for treatment. Then you could actually go vacation.
What the hell goes through fanatics of any religious type? We've had God giving us cancer and now abortion. People who can come up with such irrational thinking must be looney. If they could somehow work in that cliche about buses running us over, we'd have a perfect example of a dog chasing its tail. People are so freaking weird.
I'm just back from seeing Carlene Carter and accidentally meeting Karen Brooks who wrote Quarter Moon in a Ten Cent Town, among others. While Carlene was signing autographs Karen was her guardian. But she decided that she and I should dance instead, so we did -- to no music in the middle of the hallway. That was cool. Then some guy started to try and show everyone how much he knew. Since Emmylou Harris' name had come up, he tried to rap on about Gram Parsons discovering Emmylou. But he didn't, Chris Hillman of the Flying Burrito Brothers did. Which, of course I told him. He huffed and puffed and finally came out with this gem: you know, for someone who looks as sick as you do, you've got a big mouth. Okay, I admit that I do look like someone who has been ill. But exactly how does that relate to facts? Does having only a hint of eyebrows and hair that is short and mostly unruly mean I'm stupid? What is wrong with these people who say such incredibly stupid stuff?
bride
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Bride: you met up with an idiot who didn't want to be shown up. JERK!! He needs a junk punch. I continue to be impressed at your concert goings! Woo-hoo on seeing Carlene Carter. I saw June Carter with Johnny Cash way-back. The Carter family was always a favorite in my family.It continues to amaze me that stupid things that come out of peoples' mouths.
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I guess I'm in the minority that I don't care what people say/think to my face or behind my back. If a stranger says something stupid to me, I'll say something stupid back or pretend like I didn't hear them. I'm keeping it under wraps with my fam and don't have many friends to begin with. I have 2 bffs and my 1 bro who knows and they are just supportive of whatever I'm doing. I guess I"m just that way in that I grew up being bullied and such to where I've had to overcome and so no one can hurt me now, and most definitely not a stranger. I'll either ignore them, laugh which embarrasses them, or say something stupid back at them to make them go oh and be embarrased. Life's much easier that way when you truly don't let people's words or actions bother you.
Of course best thing to do above all imo, if you can, is not tell them you have bc. That's what I did, only 3 in real life know. I know people who have purposely shave their heads and such. So if someone is snooping, you are supporting your sister who has it and the talk ends there or you like this new look.
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Bride well that was a very nice thing thing to say. Ditto inreverse0 -
Artista, I agree with you that the fewer people who know about your health, the better. I only told my family and a very few friends and coworkers...those people who needed to know! What I found was that most people are so self-absorbed that they don't pay attention to other people anyway. And I remember fearing the stares when I started going topless after chemo and lo and behold....no one paid this old lady any never mind. Reinforced my notion that most people really only care how they feel, how they look, etc.
The stupid comments came from family members who I love unconditionally....so their comments seem funny, not hurtful. I really love all the privacy rules in place with medical providers and employers. It allows us to keep our health private and that is a good thing.
MsP
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I finally got the nerve to go in to work in just a do rag, and a guy walked up to me and said what's with the head cover, did you join a new religion? I said no, chemo, and he stuttered around for awhile and finally asked are you doing okay? I said yes and walked away.
Another woman at work asked a coworker if I shaved my head. I should have said tell her yes.
People are oblivious.
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Thankfully I don't work so it's just fam I have easily omitted. Not really close to them anyway. I wouldn't have told my bro either not because he's saying/doing anything wrong, contrary. He wishes he could take my pain away and is more stressed out/worried/emotional that I even come near to being- which right now is minimal for me. Of all this stuff to go through, I'm more concerned about there being a lot of pain and for a long time. Otherwise everything else about it, I'm good to go. Things in life don't stress me out in general so I kind of view this as just a nuisance to deal with. Not the common thought of most, but it sure does save me from excessive stress/anxiety and such. Even if family wasn't so messed up I still wouldn't tell them because I'd be expending my energy calming down their anxiety and holding their hands. lol. Good thing I'm pretty strong or I'd be in real trouble because all they'd do is react, act like know it alls, or drive me to have to take another anxiety med from their excessive anxiety. I'm at peace and plan on staying that way, hopefully. I do have anxiety meds should the need arise.
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1. "Hope you are feeling better from your tests." (prep done for lumpectomy)
2. "Well, you have lived a long life." (I am 68)
3. "I know lots of young women with little kids and fulltime jobs and they are still living."
4. " Well, hang in there!"
5. " Well, when so and so had their cancer, they lasted quite a while before they died with it."
And the list goes on
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I would not consider her to be a "friend". Just ignore her.
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We were out this past Sunday and ran into an old friend...we just saw her and her husband at our recent anniversary party in October. This woman goes on to say "you LOOK GREAT". I said thank and continued on with the conversation. Really, how do people expect me to look and the question is...how did I look to them before????
Well my sweet husband says that people know what I went through and sometimes they just don't know what to say, and that they really mean no harm. I guess he is right. Then I had two so-called close girlfriends who minimized everything I went through. They were always of the mindset that if you eat properly you won't get cancer...WHAT???? They have been on "diets" for years and are getting bigger and bigger. So much to say about those two, and they are twins, but they are no longer my close friends anymore.
Sorry for the vent!!
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Vent away!
I think one of the most honest responses I had from someone when I told them of my diagnosis nearly four years ago was, " ... gosh! I have no words. I have absolutely no idea what I can say that will comfort you or make you feel better. Is that even possible? Here, let me give you a hug ..." Ya know? That resonated with me. It was heartfelt, honest and straight-from-the-gut. She had no idea what to say and she was honest about it. I really appreciated that.
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Selena...I like that. So sincere.0 -
Like that too Selena.
The one that always got me was, you look soooooo good!!
What did I look like before? Canned horse chit?
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" ... What did I look like before? Canned horse chit? ..."
LOL! Oh, please tell me you actually said that. Please, please, pretty please!!! BRILLIANT!
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The worst I've had so far were the MANY comments from a long-time friend about how she went through a similar experience because she had a breast reduction a few years ago. Every time I've said something that didn't match her experience she seemed confused. Sigh. Luckily she's stopped making those comments.
Also, I was running a fever for no apparent reason for a couple of weeks after my surgery (not an infection) and my mom told me that it was God's way of telling me I shouldn't have gone back to work so soon. Right.
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Oh my gosh, I love this thread! I love the Peterbilt image and the retarded MIL story (but tjh, I'm sorry she said that, SHEESH). RaiderGirl, you are awesome; thank you for helping me "stay positive," another bit of stupid advice ... being positive doesn't cure cancer, folks. Chemo does.
Yes, Shorfi and Cookiesmom, I know, enough with the "you look great!" I think I'm just pissy lately because I don't like to hear that. If I look good, which I doubt, it's because I'm wearing a wig made of plastic Barbie hair. And caking on the makeup. And wearing perfectly symmetrical silicone foobs. I know they're just trying to be nice (and of course I say thank you), but one day I'd like to have the nerve to go to work without a wig or makeup, in all my revolting glory. Maybe then my boss wouldn't pile on the work.
And about the angelic diets: I heard a doozy this morning from a very sweet 86-year-old who told me she never got cancer because she didn't eat meat. Yes, everyone, we now have the answer: eating meat causes cancer. She went on for a few minutes about it, and then said, "I only eat chicken and fish." WTH? Okay, lady, yes, your "vegetarianism" saved you.
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Selena...a coworker is undergoing her third bout with colon cancer. She was initially diagnosed at stage IV, thought she was through with it and it metastasized. Did chemo again and no sooner than 3 weeks here it comes again. She is only 53. So there is sort of a kinship we have and we have talked each other off the ledge many times. She always tells me I get it, and I do, maybe not the same cancer, but know and understand the feelings and fears and the stupid comments made by our fellow coworkers. NOW...she is done with the 3rd time and NOW has some spots in the fatty tissue of her stomach...unbelievable.I just wanted you to know that I said the above-mentioned comment about me not knowing what to say. She cried because she said I always say the right things. Thank you so much for sharing that with us. Such a powerful and loving way to encourage someone when we don't know what to say.
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Hi ladies
I have been absent. All is good except I'm drowning at work.
Went to dinner with friends this past weekend. Everyone thinks that "its over". No evidence of disease is not over , its the goal.
I get comments that its move on time, and not think about it time.
Truly I do not dwell on bc as when first diagnosed. We all have a different time to shrink the shock. But shit, it does not feel like its over when I get mammos and sonos like they get their hair colored.
Done ranting.
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The snarky new me would say it now. Thankfully, the one who was most vocal has disappeared from my life.
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I would love someone to say to me I look great after going through this crap. Why take it negatively, unless it's someone who does that. Otherwise, most people are trying to be positive and up. Nothing wrong with that imo, so I don't take things wrong or analyze it because it will eventually lead to a negative conclusion. If you have 50/50 chance of it being a sincere remark for the good, why take it wrong? Unless you know this person can be like this... I don't get it.
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Oh, you got a hair cut!! Cute!!!
Before I looked like chit? Same thing
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Selena: that was a really good friend. Well-said.And we all "know" how much diet plays a role in cancer,,, sheesh,,,, We have meat-eaters here and vegans and everyone in between. Bullocks on that.
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Artista, it's situational. Same words delivered by two people can carry a completely different message. Early on I was in too much shock as Raider said. It was only later on when the dust settled that I paid attention. I must admit I was the one who threw the first egg when Dh was dx'd 3 months after me. "What? Do we live on a landfill?"
Reminds me of a time. Unrelated too above. Flashback. This gal who didn't have cancer was going off on how ' WE cause our cancer.' She was using the queen's WE. She was espousing some weirdo theory. I said we had a thread here called "Shut the Fuck Up". "That we discussed the things like she was talking about. We found the best thing to say to someone in this situation was "Shut the Fuck Up".
(Sorry can't remember what her theory was. It was so off the wall. It was the only time, I ever treated someone this way.)
She laughed and started in again. I said something very close too. "Patty, Did you not understand what I said? I was serious, shut the fuck up". Our mutual friend told her it was time to change the subject.
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Glennie...my sentiments exactly.0 -
It's almost daily that I have to deal with someone that says "Did they get it all?". Even my adult children don't get it...they think it's over and I'm cured.
What makes it more difficult for me is having hair.. LOL! They see I have hair and think "she's not that sick".
Sigh.
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