STEAM ROOM FOR ANGER
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I am so sorry Macb. That is awful that you're having to deal with all that and treatment. Want us to come beat hubby into a sensible attitude for you? I hate to hear of husband that aren't supportive during what is a very difficult time. Pisses me off.
That is sad letranger
I'm sorry. I don't know what else to say. Seems we lose too many to this disease, and others.YW LifeLover
and Thanks! I hope you are feeling a bit better today.Macb, I have barely heard from my father. Long story, but basically, he has had a new family for the past 30yrs, and I am not good enough to be a part of it. He mentioned making a financial contribution to a...O'thats not important *sigh* but hasn't helped out his only child who is a single mother of 3 yet. Doubt he will. I am doing ok financially, but I find myself wanting to make memories with my kids, spend more time (never know how much we have), and some of that costs money. On top of regular things. O'well. Is what it is, I suppose. He wanted to come visit, after the diagnosis, but it had to be a summer visit so he could ride his Harley across the US. I could vent all day about my stupidhead father. Such a poopoohead.
Hope everyone makes it through Monday ok.
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Simplicity...thanks so much. I appreciate your concern. I'm ok though. Still trying to figure out how I could fall like that. I was sore for a couple of days. I am having revision surgery on Wednesday to swap out an implant on my radiated side. It is sorta sliding under my armpit. I haven't told too many people. The few I told seem to think I shouldn't do it and that I've had enough surgery. My one BFF asked me if I was doing it for self esteem issues. My other friend thought it was silly. So at that point I stopped telling people.
My PS said he would make my breasts look like sisters, not twins, only God can make them perfect. He is such a sweetheart. But am I wrong to want them to look even...gee??? I don't like having surgery like some of my so-called friends think. As long as my husband and I agree that is all that matters. But after this surgery, I am done with revision work. I'm tired.
Now if only I can get this 7 month pregnant stomach to go back to normal, that would be wonderful
Ladies try to have a great day on purpose.
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EFF everybody who thinks that life is all hunky dory now that treatment is over, and so I should be back to "normal", even though I still feel like shit.
EFF this new pain that I have been having recently, which I certainly hope is not cancer, but we know how that goes. (doctors: probably side effects from radiation, could be gastritis, might just be this or that)
EFF this effing half-life where you never know if it's just arthritis of if it's bone mets
EFF my crappy insurance company for no longer covering me
EFF the Positivity Militia who ask me how I feel, and when I tell them, the response is that I should "count my blessings" because "think of the alternative" (FYI: there are worse things than death, assholes)
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Deblc- I totally get the people thinking life is honky dory, although I am only done with chemo. People think just because you look decent, you feel decent. Bleh. And how can your insurance do that? That's bullshit!! So sorry
Shorfi, I am glad to hear your ok. Please let us know how you're doing when you can after the surgery! Be thinking about ya.
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Mac04
Sorry to hear of all the crap you are going through. Whenever I hear men say anything about keeping or removing breasts I want to scream at them. How would they like if I had an opinion if they keep their balls .
I recently went for the 6 month check at the Rad Onc, They ask different questions than the MO or the Radiologist.
Conclusion:
Rad Onc looks for radiation damage to lungs, ulcerating tissue and symptoms of leukemia.
MO looks for metastasis.
Radiologist looks for recurrence.
Any comment on the shitty feeling from meds is followed by a sad puppy dog face. At least the MO is honest, he plain out says I have nothing else to offer
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Simplicity: thank you for your caring
I am a bit better in my head. I want to do something to take care of myself better but I am so tired all the time. Hey, we have the father thing in common. After 35 years, my Dad and his new family want a relationship with me and it is so difficult emotionally. I try with my stepsister but I don't understand the "supposed adults" including my own mother in this whole life time family tragedy crap. No energy to care much about them anyway.Shorfi: hope everything works out with your implant. I had reconstruction at same time as BMX but using the tissue from my inner thighs. It was a very successful surgery but not perfect. I'm happy I did it though and I look good in a good supportive bra as long as I'm not showing any cleavage. I think there won't be a day that goes by that we won't have to face ourselves in the mirror (sometimes negatively) and no one who hasn't been there can understand what that's like. People just want to hear me be positive so I just stopped talking about "it".
Deblc and Simplicity: the best responses I've had are from a couple of older friends who say "yeah, you say you feel good but how do you really feel?" and "aren't you maybe doing too much and shouldn't you be resting more?" I am so grateful when people say things like this to me. It shows such understanding and I don't feel "brushed off".
Raider Girl: my GP at one time said to me that the only thing he had left to give me was valium and I pretty much told him to F off. Now, a year later, they discovered I was on too much Effexor (stopped it) and I'm taking beta blockers - this is the thing that finally stopped my anxiety. So, it wasn't in my head after all - there really was a genuine issue. They shouldn't have been so dismissive because I had tachycardia and anxiety for years. Don't give up - there may be something else someone has to offer you for the pain. Have you been to a pain clinic or a pain specialist?
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LifeLover have you tried any smoothies yet? I had heard a lot of cancer patients talk about them, and how they help with energy. So I had my first one Sunday morning with my neighbor. YUM! It had a mix of berries, bananas, strawberries, a bit of yogurt, protein powder, and Spinach. Yep. Couldn't even taste the spinach. I've been drinking them all week for lunch and have already noticed my energy level improve a bit. Thankful for those friends as well LL
Yea, my dads an asshat. I doubt mine will ever attempt to 'make me part of the family'. They all have the same tattoo they went and got as a 'family'. Well, my dad and I were supposed to go and get one in Vegas a couple years back, but him and wifey got into a fight and he took off early that morning without a word to me. So no tattoo. Sad, some fathers don't realize how important they are to their girls. It takes so little to make an effort. Eh. Roll with the changes, I suppose lolRaiderGirl, any results back yet?
So annoyed with work sometimes. This one little worm went to the boss man about an order yesterday. His is unimportant compared to the other orders I have. But he goes whining, cause his stuff is soooo important *rollseyes*. I hate people like that.
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Simplicity:
All is good. Tests are all clear.
I kind of felt bumped out this week. A beautiful lady from my support group has been cancer free for 9 years. Last week mets was found in the bladder. MD had been treating her for urinary track infection. She starts chemo Friday.
She is a trooper. She says her husband has diabetes, high BP, arthritis, gout, and more. He is miserable everyday. She has nothing but cancer and feels generally good everyday. I wish I had her attitude.
PS: If that is your pic, you are beautiful.
LIFELOVER: Effexor is the kiss of death for me. Some MO insist its the best med for depression, anxiety and hot flashes. When I take any dose of Effexor I get the most bizarre buzzing in the head, and a strange dizziness. I'm a horny little thing and I like it like that. Effexor shuts things down.How can I say this ....I can see the finish line but I never get there. Understand?. Anyway, MD gave me WelltrutrinXL. No negative sexual side effects, no buzzing, and its cheap. I call it my happy pill. I take Megatrol 40 mg for hot flashes. Another lovely little pill.
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So glad to hear that RaiderGirl!! We all know how a lot of men whine at the slightest thing lol
Thanks
So are you! Love your smile!I'll have to stay away from effexor. I was the same way until this junk started. Was for once in my life (always been in relationships) enjoying the single life. Right now, intimacy is the last thing on my mind. With the exception of one special man. My mind wanders to him more than I care to admit lol
RG - You probably just need to relax a bit and stop focusing on the 'finish line' so much. Hard for me to do. I take care of myself nowadays lol Easier that way.
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simplicity,
I found the finish line as soon as I dropped the Effexor. Evil med. As for your second comment. Sometimes when you want something done you just have to do it yourself. (giggle-blush)
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Haha RG!! If we can't count on anyone else, we can surely count on ourselves
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Simplicity, thanks for the tip re: smoothies. I do eat lots of fruit and veggies but I might give it a try. Is there a particular recipe book you use?
Raider Girl, congrats on the all clear. What a relief
Yes, Effexor is an evil drug. My moron GP had me overdosed on it. It took me months to wean off of it. Finally, the electrical zaps that i felt in my brain during withdrawal have stopped. Actually, the beta blockers I take for tachycardia have stopped my anxiety and I'm no longer depressed.You both make me laugh about the finish line thing. Thing is, I'm up for it but my partner isn't because he is taking Prozac and that has taken away his libido. Miss it a lot but I love my partner more so I'm waiting.
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No recipe book LL. I like this one that my neighbor made. It uses frozen bags of fruit to give it that milkshake type texture? I'm not a veggie person so it's nice to get spinach without the taste. I think it's kind of a game. They never quite turn out the same. But you can find lots of recipes online if you like carrots, celery, etc. protein powder gives you that extra boost. Idk never been much into that stuff. Guess I need to do better in that dept huh?
1 cup frozen fruits
1 cup spinach
2 scoops protein powder (stuff is expensive).
Bout 1/2 helping of yogurt. Vanilla is best. I hear Greek yogurt is a bit tart?
Lately I've been putting in a couple cubes of ice first
A bit of water. Maybe 1/4 cup?
Hm. Prozac huh? Maybe that's why my libido is down lol Been so long since I've been intimate (8 months?) but I have trouble too, with someone. But my last relationship ended 3 yrs ago. I have to feel close to them to reach the finish line, or very relaxed!! haha And I've always had trouble relaxing. Think that's part of it too.
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Some days, I swear. Flipped my poo on all 3 kids tonight (21b, 17g, 14b). Come home and the kitchen is dirtier than it was when I left for...what's that adult thing we do? O right. Work. Grr.
Breathe in. Breathe out. Company this weekend. Kids at dads. Beach next week
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Good response for a stupid person espousing stupid things
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Great thread. Here's my rant: after I was diagnosed, I told the people closest to me in person/phone or via email. Most have been very helpful and understanding; a few have not wanted to be too involved, which is fine. I have told very few people I work with. There is one dear friend whom I have not seen too much in the last couple of years. I left a few voicemails over several months just asking her to call when she had time and have not heard back. I hadn't wanted to tell her via email. Then, out of the blue, I received an emailed invitation for a party she's throwing to celebrate the graduation of one of her children. I emailed back accepting the invite, but also giving her my news. I explained that I didn't want to tell her at the party, nor did I want her to figure it out on her own through changes to my appearance. I have not heard back from her at all. I mean, WTF? If she wants our friendship to do a slow fade, why invite me to the party? I suppose I'm hurt and, honestly, puzzled as well as angry--but I am angry. It feels very awkward, too, and the party is next week. Very frustrating! I DON'T want to use my carefully hoarded energy on something like this!
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RainyC
I so feel what you feel.
My husbands ex secretary become one of my closest friends. People called us Ethel & Lucy. For 25+ years I saw her through wayward kids, unemployment, breakups, re-marraige, you name it.
When I called her about the Dx she asked " Let me know how I can help" I asked if things got overwhelming at our business, would she fill in for me. (She is retired). Sure she said.
I didnt see her until all the treatment was over. I got one get well card, and a few texts. On one text reply I said its so hard to put in a full day at the business while under treatment. That was her chance to jump in with an offer to answer the phones and whatnot a few hours a week. Nothing, I got fu8king nothing.
After the storm passed we met up . There was no mentioned of her absence in my life As if the previous year did not happen.
DH says that I was the counselor, the fixer in the friendship. She did not know how to deal with that.
I say Bullsh8t to that. She was selfish
I will rant about other friends, later. Too much coming back to mind now.
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here is my rant for the day. I had a weird side effect the other night. Blurred vision, page distortion on my ipad, and what appeared like flashbulbs going off in my left eye. I turn off ipad and try to get up. I'm dizzy and I still can't see and I walk crooked back to my bedroom. 45 minutes of rest and now I'm fine and have been fine.
Call MO today and get her PA. I explain what happened. She says "Well we are not going to panic, but if it happens again you need to call me right away". Erghhhh What the hell does that mean? Why oh why would you say that to me? I sure wasn't panicked before, but now I am. You had to use the word panic? Couldn't you have kept that to yourself and just said keep an eye on things and please let me know if it happens again? @$@$!
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i know how everyone feels in regards to having people disappear or not step up. I'm very grateful for everyone who has been there for me all along. I'm also very touched by all the people who showed up that I never thought would, or expected to. With that said, I am very hurt and a little angry at the people who just never reached out to me. People sure do talk about family and how we stixck together, but I couldn't help but notice that all those people never once reached out to me. Asking my husband in passing how I'm doing does not count! I get it, cancer makes you feel bad. Cancer makes me feel bad too. Hipocrites! I now know who I can trust and who I want in my life.
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Thanks kayb. I see MO tomorrow and we shall go from there. MeToo - I hear you! My mother in law disappeared completely. Literally...took off all over the country for the whole summer. She just came back, and after 8 days at home called me and said "I just realized I've been home for almost 8 days and didn't check in with you. I feel like I'm not doing anything.". Wellllll that's because you're NOT...
phooey on some people.
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Tresjoli2 it's funny you say that about your mother in law, the same thing happened to me. Last year she left for a month 2 days before I started chemo and never checked in with us until after she got back. My husband tried to call her but she didn't answer. I was hurt but he really was hurt by it.
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idk Ladies. I don't really care about the people that disappeared after dx. It just tells me what I need to know about them. It is hard thou, to find out people don't care as much as was thought. Then to see some of mine share pages or ask for prayers for someone else, but the same wasn't done for me. O'well. Bigger, more important things I suppose. They can all KMA
I had a few friends that took the news harder than me I think. Then there's those that I have known for 25-30 years that haven't said anything. Is what it is.
Hate it thou.
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love that sas...
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hey rainnyc- I went through a similar situation. They are angling for a gift for the kid, that's it. Selfish people invite everyone possible but rarely reach out to those in need. Spend the time and money on yourself. Slow fade? Nah, she just can't deal and you are better off without that "friend." I figured that out the same way, yep it hurt but there are better friends who care and make themselves available.
Best wishes.
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Hey Ladies, good thing we all have a place to vent, otherwise we would have to start a gofundme account for bail money...............
But it does get old and quick. All those stupid comments, hurt feelings, "lost" friends, family, and relationships, frustrating insurance companies, collection agents, and care team members that seem to be deaf when we walk in the room. I will never be "normal" and I am hating the "new normal". I'm left with heart damage and meds for life, scars galore, a closet full of clothes that will never be worn again but I can't throw out, weird food cravings, weight gain, joint pain, crazy chemo hair, fur face, and fatigue. Sadly there is more. But everyone gets it all and can probably add to the list. Oh I forgot, FEAR, a life changer. I feel like a pile of side-a-f&*ks with no end in sight. The crap they never tell you. I have zero desire to start any race, finish line or not!
Ok that's my vent for the week, I have to nap I work at 10 tonight! Ugh!
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My mother when having found out I was diagnosed with breast cancer mumbled the words- talk about karma . I was a straight A college student. Award winning poet. Licensed Massage Therapist. I finished 9 years of college. No arrest record or traffic violations. It stemmed from an old confrontation we had with each other in which she decided not to speak with me (despite the confrontation being respectful) for 5 years. Anyway we are in contact again and she flew out here to be with me during my uni mastectomy. One night she said out of the blue- I don't want to listen to you go on about this the rest of your life. I was stunned and devastated. I was laying in bed resting on painpills minding my own business. In her mind breast cancer is no big deal lots of her friends have/had it but she is 20 years older than me.
I am now in the process of breast reconstruction. It is a long long process. I was diagnosed in Oct.2014 and since then it has been endless appointments with Drs. Surgeons. Therapists. Alongside Medications; Blood tests; Fear; loss of career and many friends.
The fear of recurrence and living with that is Stressful in and of itself. I have lost my innate vibrancy and joy about life. Fighting off and Staving off the grief and horror that this disease has caused and is causing is extremely stressful emotionally and mentally. All of it is one big long nightmare. People say I am brave and handle it with such grace. The truth is I cry myself to sleep many a night. I hide in my apartment for days on end when a few normal days throw me into emotional exhaustion trying to keep up the façade. I learned early in the disease that most people cannot handle our grief and fear around cancer. We should not expect them too; in that if; it is too much for me to handle and it is. Then it must be that much harder for my boyfriend; friends and family.
Breast Cancer is like having two grenades on ones chest that can be stopped from detonating by cancer treatment but can go off again and kill us at any unexpected time. Cuba has a lung cancer immunization shot why do we not have one for Breast Cancer?
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Thank you Bcky for saying what I feel and relate to. I miss my old self a lot. If I try to be my old self I just exhaust myself and get ill, yet again. No one, not even family wants to hear about it so I post it here.
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Bcky - I feel and relate to what you say also - every day is a struggle and exhausting and seriously no one cares unless they've been through it - I have cousins who both have cancer - not BC and they're who I phone when things get me down and we "talk our way through it" - they live 2,000 miles away from me though so visiting isn't an option but the phone calls have been most therapeutic.
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G R O U P. H U G S......
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