STEAM ROOM FOR ANGER
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Haha...I had one woman tell me that there was no need for me to continue taking pain pills, that I must be addicted to them. She had no idea the pain I was having and even I started to question my use of the pain meds. I notice just a wee bit that some women do not respond to my posts...and maybe it's my paranoia...because I have been diagnosed two times. It was NOT a recurrence, but a new breast cancer in the opposite breast. I guess they don't want to even think about it coming back, and believe me, I understand.
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Shorfi, was that person commenting on the pain meds here on BCO?
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Yes
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As far as the comments on this site, when I was on the waiting to be diagnosed, I was afraid to add what my bi-rad score was, because there was someone who said almost all bi-rad scores of 4 would come back as benign. My score was 4 and it sure didn't come back as benign. I didn't even want to go into the subcategory of 4, because I know not all radiologists use it, so wasn't even going to add that mine was 4c. I understood part of maybe not wanted to scare the women who are waiting....but it almost sounded as if the person was dismissing everyone's concerns when it came to the scoring of diagnostic mammograms and ultrasounds instead of trying to help ease their minds.
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Ok, so here's my rant. Just need to get it out in a safe way.
I am sick of myself. I am sick of being sick all the time. Pneumonia again. Yes, I survived cancer. Twice I might add. I should be thankful. But instead I am sick. I did so many helpful things: meditated, Pilates, counselling, acupuncture. I even have a weekly massage. I feel pretty good when I'm well and can get some exercise and actually work (increasingly rare). But some days, like today, I've had enough. I now have aortic stenosis, tachycardia and several hot flushes most hours of the day. I am only 54 but my brain thinks I am still 24. Some days I do not want to do this anymore. I am not suicidal. Just feeling very sorry for myself.
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Lifelover...I can relate. I'm 60, but mentally feel like I am 30. This morning I fell taking a shower and all I could think about as I am falling is...wow I didn't die from breast cancer, but will die from falling in the shower. I don't know if I blacked out for a second, but it was the most scariest thing ever. Just had my back injections for the lumbar stenosis on Friday, everything went well, and of course I fell on the side that had the injections. I hope I didn't mess myself up. I too, am feeling sorry for myself
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Thanks for replying Shorfi. Sometimes I feel so invisible.
I am sorry for your fall. It really isn't fair. I hope you will be okay.
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Shorfi, sorry for the fall they are the worst. Your thought about dying in the shower and not from BC. I get, been there too many times.
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I'm going to scream if I read one more "I have no family history". BC apparently doesn't care since 75-80% of BC patients have no family history. Just because I do have a family history doesn't mean I am BRCA 1/2 positive. I'm not. And just because I do have a family history doesn't mean I'm not any less upset at having to be here
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I'm so mad at people who come to my desk at work and compliment me on the "pink things" on my desk. I have always liked pink, fuchsia even more, but now people view everything pink on my desk as my embracing my cancer by having pink items on my desk. I just ordered a new computer case, in blue, and I am taking all pink things off my desk. One woman even said to me oh I see you wear a lot of pink, that's so sweet. Argh! I have always liked the color pink, but not because it signifies breast cancer!
Now I can't even wear pink without thinking about cancer. Thanks for that!
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Italychick- bam you nailed it on the pink issue. People assume or think you jumped on the wagon after BC without considering or noticing your previous likes/habits.
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I need to rant before I lose my mind......5 months of treatment, just started arimidex 2 weeks ago, thinking ok, this is your life for the next 5 years, time to just settle down and get on with living. Last week, funky painful rash on back, 4 diff doctors, all freaking out when told I finished rads 3 weeks ago saying it must be radiation! Um, no, opposite side, nothing like a burn. Can I get a script for Lyme testing? No, it must be radiation! Went to ro, gee, not rads. Finally paid out of pocket for top dermatologist in area who doesnt take insurance, one look, it's lyme! Thank you to all the docs wasting my time. Now on a kick ass antibiotic for 4 weeks, no sun or drinking. I call it my 'no more summer for you!' pill. Last week my 89 year old father had a painful breast. Went to doc, saw a surgeon, said there is a 3 cm lump. I am taking my 89 YEAR OLD father for a mammo and us in an hour. Feel like I am in the groundhog day movie.
Thanks for this thread!!!
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So sorry that you have all that going on. Just remember in groundhog day, it does end on a positive note. Hoping the best for you and your father.
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So sorry LifeLover (love the screen name btw). I cannot imagine all your going through. Hope today has bee a bit better for you.
Shorfi, how are you feeling? Everything ok since the fall? That's scary. Chemo has really affected my legs and neuropathy is awful in my feet. Needless to say, I don't trust the legs I stand on. Ha. Thought I was going to have to call the FD one day. Was almost convinced I absolutely could not get out of the tub my legs hurt so bad. I finally did. Still grabbing walls and stuff while I walk and losing my balance or sense of direction? It's weird lol I've got bruises from bumping into things and walls. Whoops.
Feeling frustrated at hurting still. My last chemo was 7/28 (Taxol) and my legs and feet just haven't eased up much yet. I've tried to work the past two days but came home early because nausea has all of a sudden been a problem too, but maybe that's my nerves? And walking all day just makes the pain in my feet worse.
Bleh.
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Simplicity. Ask your Dr. about topamax for neuropathy. I have tried every med out there for years prior to chemo so after chemo I was in horrible shape painful toes heels feet were numb you name it. I went.on this and it has really helped me. I still have pain here and there but not as bad as before.
Diane
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Thanks DSW! I'll give them a call Monday. Is that one of the ones that makes the HF's worse? Had them before all this but wow are they so much worse now. I sometimeswake up swimming in my bed lol
Sure all of you know all about that.
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What's HF? Sorry I can't sleep yet again yet I so exhausted. I can't think straight I want to cry,scream and beat some one at this point. Yet everyone knows this and has no consideration for the fact it is early in the morning and goes thru the house like a hurd of elephants. He is one persone how is this possible? I want to cut his feet off and beat him with them. I walk and move like a mouse when people are trying or are alseep always. sorry had to vent as it is almost 4 am and my 8 year old will be up at 7/8 and I have yet to fall alseep. I am not a poor poor me type but I am getting more upset now after treatment is over due to the fact I am a very strong non complaining person who sucks it up and go go goes but this chemo and whole mind monster has left me to my knees. Emotionally, physically I am exhausted I lean on no one except my mom because frankly my hausband isn't that type firts of all and second couldn't handle it and third always turns its into all about himself. Sorry I could write a book with the anger/ venting I have. Thanks to who ever read and listened and bless you all batteling this beast.
Diane
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Just wanted to say one more thing. I always thought I was strong and so tough and this cancer took alot of that away, kind of left me vulnerable. Yet I sit her daily reading all of the ladies here go thru so much more than me and I take a step back and know I'm still me just like all of you are still you just stronger. Thank you.
Diane
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Diane Hugs. In the collective, our experiences may seem worse. The common core we share is our lives have been ripped away. Fear, exhaustion, side affects that are permanent and in cases disabling. We are all in the boat, just different oars. Use this space to complain and scream about whatever is messing with your life. Get it all out. Then go find a nice little bco social group that feeds and soothes your spirit.
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Aw Diane (?), you are stronger too!! Im lucky, my 3 are a bit older, the youngest being 14. I cant imagine having younger ones through this.
My sleep is all goofed up too. But its easier for me to nap. If I was closer he could come over here and play while you rest. So sorry.
This sucks for all of us, in its own way to each situation. It tears into every aspect of our lives.
HF is hot flashes. I had read on here about a drug that increases hot flashes. Go figure I cant remember which drug lol
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LoL thanks that makes so much sense sense now hot flases. I haven't had any since right after chemo which was april. Yes it is tough on our kids but they are our driving force thankfully. Mine is sleeping next to ke now and my noisey elephant husband as well so i will try to too. Thanks Diane
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I got a letter today from the imaging center that I needed my annual mammogram....are you freaking kidding me??
I've been to this imaging center SEVERAL times over the last 2 years, I've had biopsies, U/S after U/S due to surgery issues and seroma problems. I mean they know me up there.
I GET that it's some type of clerical issue, I know that, but when I opened the letter today I wasn't expecting that. I laughed at first, showed dh and we had a chuckle, but damn if it's not like bomb has gone off in my head. A trigger of all the horrid shit I went thru since 10/13.
I really think they should have a way to tag cases that have a known mastectomy so that they do NOT send those letters out. I have no more breasts people...they are gone, nada, zilch....byebye boobies!!! I had a thought, I'll call make an appointment and show up and see how they react.
I think I'm going to call on Monday and complain about this.
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Tangandchris, They still mammogram my left side even though it is fake. I guess as long as you don't have implants they want to do it. I was surprised.
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I don't have anything though, my recon failed because of infection I had to have TE'S removed. My signature line needs to be fixed.
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jilly- I know exactly who you are talking about on that forum. She and I locked horns a couple of times. In fact one if the ladies PM me to keep posting there and not take her crap. No problem with doing that.
This whole thread is such an eye opener and a great way to vent. No one can really relate to the way we feel with this DX. My 2 cents worth is being treated like we have leprosy and people always looking for reasons(our fault of course) why we are the chosen ones. Seriously?
I told by ONC we will always be looking over our shoulders no matter what stage we are. We are branded with the C word. Making it 5 years is a statistic not a guarantee.
I too had a not so good bone density test. Taking Tamoxifen so it should have helped with bone issues and it did early on but not now. Dr prescribed a nasal spray@54 a month thank you and that's generic and with insurance. She said I could get the shot 2x a year but have to take Fossamex first. No can do causes jaw and dental issues and I already have that worry.
Thanks for the therapy session.
Diane
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I am so angry, lost it crying and gasping for breath. Had surgery number 14 on Thursday the 6th. I am angry at my lame parents, at all the Crappy doctors who did incompetent "care" to me. I am angry at my husband who has said hurtful things I can't forget, that he never apologized for. The f*cking rads are still biting me in the ass. My PS told me on Friday that he doesn't think I can get a nipple done like I had planned. That my skin is alot thinner after the TE, he is concerned about the risk of having an infection that could lead to loss of the implant. He didn't say I absolutely couldn't get an nipple reconstruction, just that it is really a big risk. My husband never has my back. He always takes the side of my mean father. My father told me" If yor breasts are a problem, well cut them off" . MY mean as*hole of a father also said" I don't know if your girls will get cancer, I guess we`ll just have to wait and see" Then he laughed. My husband knows my father said all of that, he just automatically takes his side no matter what. I am angry at the doctors who knew all of the horrible problems I could get and never told me. The idiots at cancerland like the surgeon who put their poison port in crooked. I had no idea, I trusted the idiot. No one could access that frigging port without poking me 2 or 3 times, that went on for 5 plus months.
You all get the idea, nothing is better, feels that it was all for nothing
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I'm frustrated and tears are swelling in my eyes. Frustrated that treatment has ended for a special person who I only met a few weeks ago on this website. She made such an impact in my life in such a short time. She projects herself with grace and dignity and clarity. She's preparing for hospice. I am so sad. Part of it is selfishness because I look forward to her posts. I'm mad because she is so loving and cares so much for her DH who needs care and who will do that when she is not there. Why her?????? She can teach the world about compassion but her life is cut short because the meds are not working and the SE's are so hard. Has she not been through enough! We need people like her be here, to teach us, to offer give us hope. I know this is a ramble. I want a miracle for her.
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Where are the miracles? I'd really like to hear of a couple. I keep believing.
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Simplicity: thank you for your compassion. I like your name tag as well. Simplicity. A good word to hang onto
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