STEAM ROOM FOR ANGER
Comments
-
Runor: I too , once i started googling breast cancer noticed a shit ton of ads. It's all the tracking "they" do. Let's show a woman who feels like shit, can't sleep, can't shut her mind off, can't think how to spell a simple word without thinking hard about it and finally googled how to. Tonight my husband implied I was making shit up about my SE. Haven't slept well all week and my bones hurt. apparently i'm just making this shit up. I tried listing to him all the SE I think I have, must be all in my head." JUST "shut your mind off. His mother enjoyed ill health so I figure he just doesn't want to hear it. I am thankful for this forum and my SIL who also has cancer that we can vent with one another. My brother isn't the best support person.
2019whataye: That is my thought too. I think of the chest as starting at the clavicle.
0 -
I was going by my chest and abdomen CT that I had last Friday. The results usually list all the areas scanned and say something about "no areas of concern" or "appears normal" where there aren't nodes or nodules being tracked. There isn't any chest description on mine above the lungs on this scan, although there are descriptions of things throughout my abdomen that are normal in appearance.
0 -
Will keep good thoughts Alice.
I do think the drug commercials and and the lawyers need to go on TV too. So tired of them. We almost never watch live TV any more and zap through commericals when we can.
0 -
We talk about commercials about MBC being frustrating. But I saw this one the other day when I was watching TV. Then I Googled it. The mother died of MBC. This is a tribute to her. This is more "real" for us.
0 -
wow Candy, yes, that one is more real than most and nice tribute to the mom. I prefer this one to “your new normal"
:-p. 😖
0 -
well it has been almost 4 yrs since total hysterectomy. Yes the fear of recurrence comes back intermittently.
Especially when I see Ibrance, Verzinio and all cancer hospitals, I get the urge to throw something at TV.
0 -
My first cancer center, big in FloriDuh, has billboards all over the area. Can’t miss them. Some days I get teary when I see them, other days I scream at them. Hey, I’m in my car.
0 -
Better commercial indeed.
0 -
I had a dream last night that I stopped all my meds and medical appointments. I was really happy in that dream. Then, I wake up cry at the drop of a hat being it's another day to live without my spouse. Nothing happy about that but one must go on and today I just feel stuck. I lack motivation a lot these days. I know I'll feel better doing something, like learning how to caulk the bathtub, finish spray painting the table and chairs that are going down to the bay cottage. The bay cottage. That's a real trigger for me. It's the pits of hell. It's just sitting there with no water. I was once married to a plumber! My son dropped a screw gun on his foot and I think broke the 4th and pinky toes so we didn't go down last weekend. This weekend is Father's Day, hard to ask people for help then right? Cousin called yesterday and said she wants to send these memorial lanterns up down there on Saturday night. Her husband passed of the same cancer as my hubs 2 yrs ago. She said she'll send one up for him whether I'm there or not so at least I don't feel pressured to go down there just for that. So no clue if we will be going down this weekend or not. The not knowing drives me crazy. He's a busy kid and I don't want to push with the injury.
I don't feel like grocery shopping, I have no lunch and have no idea what I want to eat, and lastly I get really angry when it's time to water plants. Is this the dumbest thing you ever heard? They were all sent when he passed. I killed 2 but 4 others are still doing OK. I guess taking care of something and it lives is what gets to me, yet I don't want to just get rid of them either. Signed, Dumb and stuck.
0 -
Oh, ctmbsikia, I wish I could give you a big hug and then take you out to a long, leisurely lunch somewhere pretty. You have been dealing with so many difficult things all piled on top of losing your husband. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you but all I can say is that I hear you and I hope things get better for you as time goes on. Take care of yourself and maybe open a good book and get lost in it for awhile. And know that I’m sending healing thoughts out for you.
0 -
Oh ctmbsikia I am so sorry. Big hugs to you.
0 -
ctmbsikia, I wish I could tell that your grief for you spouse will lessen in time, it might, I hope for you that it does. It's been 4 years this past June 9th that my husband passed, and the grief is still with me. On some days it's so over whelming. My advise to you is feel the way you feel, don't analyse, don't try to stop it, just go with it. Im am neither sad nor am i happy I just am. I do have joyous moments at least I think I do, sometimes I'm just to numb to know. I go on. Mostly because i know thats what he would do and thats what he would want for me to do. I tend to things that he should be doing and still doin it his way. May peace and comfort find you.
Darlene
0 -
Oh, Ctmb. Your story took me back to when I was very young and my dad had just died. I had moved back home on a moments notice because dad was coming home from the hospital and would need care. That job fell to me. I uprooted from where I was living, the life I was living and moved home to care for my dying father. He never came home. He never could have left the hospital. It became a grueling deathwatch.
After he died the flowers started rolling in. It was insane. People from literally every part of the globe, when they got the news, sent flowers. Dad did business internationally and knew many people all over the world. There wasn't a surface that didn't have flowers (or plants) set on it. They were beautiful. They represented the recognition of our loss. They were the only sign of grief and support that people could send. It is the custom. They arrived for days. I answered the door constantly, taking in armloads of deliveries.We had the funeral. Mom went back to work. My husband went back to work. And there I was. Uprooted. Not in my own home. Having moved to my childhood home to help my dad and instead had stood in front of a packed hall and delivered the eulogy. My whole world felt upside down. I was alone in my parent's house. Alone except for the flowers. All those flowers. Those wilting, dying, expensive, well meaning fucking flowers. Then came the day I went berserk. Ctmb, I could not stand to look at them another second. I could not stand their mournful, fading reminder of my dad dying. I opened the front door and like a frenzied madwoman started hurling them out onto the lawn. I flung them! Water, vase and all. I cried and swore and cried some more and THREW flowers all over the place like a crazy person. I felt bad, I knew they were well meaning love and support but screw that! I needed them out out out of my space. GO away sad flowers of death! GET OUT!
If loving and caring for those plants is helpful to your soul, then keep doing it. Your soul needs kindness. But I just want you to know that if you throw those plants in the road so a truck can run over them, that's okay. If you heave them in the trash, dust your hands and say DONE, that's okay. I would know exactly what prompts a person to do that.
0 -
What runor said + one million.
0 -
I'll add to what Runor had to say, but about the cottage. Why do you have to keep it? It seems as if it were your husband's project, not yours. He was the one with the skills and the desire to make it happen.
You have posted so many times about the anger and frustration and grief that the Bay cottage is causing you. Do you think your husband would have wanted you to carry that overwhelming burden on top of everything else you have to cope with? From what you've posted, he seemed a good, loving man who would have wanted to make things easier for you, not harder.
Can you legally/financially/emotionally let it go, and know that it's okay if you do? It's heartbreaking to see you post about trying to complete a project that brings you no joy, only sadness and pain.
We do care about you, and are here to help you get through this difficult time. Be well.
Trish
0 -
Ditto edj3's comment. WELL SAID, runor! While the flowers are, indeed, a thoughtful gift, it feels like just one more thing to look after. I don't know what a good alternative would be, though.
0 -
Maybe pass the flowers / plants to someone else. A nursing home? elderly neighbor? doing something good with what is a "good thought" is a way to respect the thought.
just my 2 cents0 -
I agree with stacy91965. When I went to visit my aunt someone was bringing funeral flowers in to the assisted living. The staff divided them and gave them to the residents. They were thrilled. You could have given some of the plants to the hospital staff as a thank you. Some say please no flowers. Some receive so much food. Hospital staff are always hungry. After one of my patients died the daughter gave me a tea cup from her collection. After 20 years I still remember.
0 -
runor - throwing those flowers sounds therapeutic AF! Donating them would have been great - but it’s one more task. One more chore! - at a time where you are already over capacity!
0 -
Who picked up the lawn? Her Mom?
0 -
DH used to work at a cemetery 50+ years ago when we first married. People would send big, expensive floral arrangements. In milk glass containers and baskets. He’d bring home so many our apartment smelled like a florist shop. I’d laugh, say I got slightly used flowers. Wish I’d kept all the milk glass
0 -
flashlight - I’m not sure who picked up the flowers. Maybe Runor did later in the day. Maybe her mom. Or maybe a loving neighbor saw the opportunity to help in a concrete way.
But, the actual throwing has to feel Cathartic and therapeutic after so many emotionally challenging responsibilities.
Don’t get me wrong - donating them would be wonderful. And the thought behind them was kind and loving.
But, I can’t say I’d respond any differently if I were in her shoes.
Death is messy. Emotions are messy. We all need space to grieve.
0 -
We lived near a cemetery and my DB's would grace my Mom with bouquets from there. She once told them they should stop doing this since they were to mark someone's grave and in the wisdom words of the young, my one brother told her that "they were not going to miss thDon;t ever remember vases being on the graves, just the flowers.
0 -
I decided to post here because I really don't know where else to do it. The thing is that I don't feel mad nor angry... I do think this whole bussiness of having to deal with cancer and/or its aftermath is all a crap shoot, as some of you so well put it! So, yes, I don't feel angry, rather sad and sorry for myself... I know it could be worse, much worse, but honestly, it's bad enough for me! I just got the results from my pelvic/transvag U/S. My endomitrium is 22mm and the diferential diagnosis is hyperplasia and neoplasm. Just how on Earth is it possible? I've only been on Tamoxifen for 18 months, and on 10 mg, half the regular dose! I am pretty sure I'll have to have hysterectomy, even if it's only cysts or hyperplasia. I wonder if it will be wise to keep my ovaries or will they have to come out too... Oh, and my new favorite word: unremarkable. Right ovary is unremarkable; left ovary is unremarkable. I have a mammo and a bone scan coming up. Please, please, please may them be unremarkle all throughout! I promise I won't mind the repetition!
0 -
Well, I'm pissed. Just heard that a dear friend of 35 years has been diagnosed with lung cancer with bone mets. Damn, I hate cancer.
0 -
Beesie - shit. I am sorry to hear this and sorry for your friend.
Who cleaned up the lawn? Probably me. It was a long time ago. By the time I hucked them out, they were past giving to anyone. Besides, was I going to show up at an old folk's home with my slightly wilty, swampy water, left over flowers of death? No. Yes, those flowers represented the thoughts and support of people. But the THING (flowers) are not the sentiment they carry (shared grief). I can throw out a flower and not feel any different about the sentiment and love it represented. It was not me discarding our friends, it was me discarding the oppressive floral reminder of the weeks and weeks of horror we had all just been dragged through. I needed to shake it off, move it out, lingering reminders be gone!
I think Trishyla has made a very valid point that is worth considering. I see people who make shrines to their dead. Deify and saint them in death. Shackle themselves with suddenly adopted obligations that they must keep, care about, complete, continue on in perpetuity. Sometimes this is good for those left behind. Sometimes it is debilitating. Sometimes it becomes a way to not move on. An impediment to moving forward. NOT saying that is the case here. But it is worth considering. Letting go of something your partner loved IS NOT letting go of your partner! But we confuse these things. Letting go is hard. But hanging on when you need to let go is also hard. It is very difficult to see your way out of this. It takes time.0 -
beesie,
So sorry to hear about your friend. After a decade at stage IV I do admit that I’ve grown accustomed with so many things that go along with mbc and it’s treatment but hearing of a a dx such as your friends is still a gut punch for me and I hope it always is.
0 -
Beesie, I'm also sorry to hear about your friend.
There's a beautiful huge tree about a block from our house on a busy street. I've never investigated it closely enough to see what kind it is, but it has lovely spreading branches and a thick trunk; I always think "Under the spreading Chestnut tree" when I see it. About twenty years ago, someone slammed into that tree, totaled their car, and died. The family (I guess) has been crapping up that gorgeous tree with red plastic ribbons and garish artificial flowers and other shiny bits of tacky bad taste for about two freaking decades. Don't they have a grave for the family of the deceased to inflict that on? Why are some death scenes used for shrinery and not others? If the person died in a hospital, would they permanently take over that room to decorate in remembrance? But of course, no one will make them stop. 😠 I'm offended on behalf of the tree. 🌳
0 -
Rain88, Fingers X!!
0 -
Thank you, Flashlight! It's such a huge support to have a place where people get you. I am after a sleepless night; luckily I work from home. It is unlikely I will impress anybody at work today, that's a given. This damn waiting! I'll talk to my MO on the 28th. Until then... and then waiting for the next procedure, next results... Yes, Runor, pure hell it is. We've all been there, I know. Somehow it's not as bad as when I was diagnosed, if I ca even compare. I don't have that frantinc sense of dispair, but it sure set me off. In times like these, the in-betweens, it"s exausting to keep going from one day to the next. That's where I am now.
0
![[Deleted User]](https://us.v-cdn.net/6037276/uploads/defaultavatar/nF0ALO3I3QJM7.jpg)
