STEAM ROOM FOR ANGER
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My asshole employer saga continues...
We had a meeting last week to go over my job duties, and I was very straightforward with them that I was potentially going to be pretty impaired at some point once radiation got going.... so they said all these nice, seemingly concerned things about how they were going to offload some work from me. This was a result of a letter from the hospital stating i needed several months' accommodation according to ADA law. I was pleasantly surprised and felt encouraged. (*SUCKER*)
A week later, nothing has improved. Much to my shock, I got hit with very strong nausea quickly once I started radiation.. I have no appetite and can't eat most of the day. Pile that on top of depression. I got a note from the RO to give to HR stating I was going to need reduced hours, and the HR matron told me that they already HAD "accommodated" me by letting me come in later in the morning after my radiation treatments. (*head explodes*)
All day long I have people yelling at me via email about why THIS hasn't been done yet or why THAT hasn't been done yet. Maybe because I've had appointments with radiologists and oncologists? Even so, I put in 44 hours last week. My work load was already unreasonable. They are ruthless.
(In hindsight, I shouldn't be surprised. I shouldn't have thought they might act an iota differently, based on the last ten months of being driven into the ground with the workload. Hope springs eternal. but I've got to wake up. I did discreetly remove all of my personal work notes today that I brought there when I started.)
The psychologist that I see on Tuesdays (thank God!) is very gently pushing me to take STD, get out, get sleep, eat right, reduce my stress level, and take care of my body so I can heal. My logical mind won't let me because I'm single with no safety net, and all I can think about is the money, the bills, the insurance. I have that oh-so-adult emergency fund, so I'm not going to end up pushing a shopping cart with my few worldly goods down a dark alley, but it feels like another step backwards during an already difficult time.
I wish I was on a warm beach under an umbrella reading a book, listening to the ocean and seagulls.
Carrie
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Hi Tetley,
You have a LOT on your plate. The little tiny thing I can offer you is that the shoulder surgery might not be so bad... I've had both shoulders done for bone spurs and rotator cuff damage they caused. In both cases I had the surgery on a Wednesday, and was back at work by Monday. Mine was done laparoscopically, meaning very tiny incisions that didn't disturb the muscles terribly. They ground down the bone spurs, and the pain was gone.
I hope you can find an emotional health professional or some support groups or supportive friends to help you get through this.
Carrie
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Fatheringay, stress is NOT your friend when you're dealing with cancer, a Dr told me. These people are @#$holes. They are not going to change. I wish you had an outside HR consultant who could go to bat for you.
Where I used to work b4 BC, I had to consult an outside HR advocate in employer/employee relations. He held the boss's feet to the flames and got the job done, and the boss had to pay the man too! Sadly, this consultant only works in Calif and goes by our state laws.
I think it's time to get a contingency plan in place. My hospital has a social worker...do you have a social worker linked up with your health care? They have a wealth of resources at their disposal. If you go out on state disability, there may be other local support agencies you can tap into as well. If all else fails, contact the American Cancer Society. They might be able to offer suggestions on where to get financial aid, etc.
Wish I could be more helpful.
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I was fired today. Fired!!!
I worked her when I was dx'd and initially were very supportive of me and it was wonderful. Since then I've been back to work with no time off for cancer related issues for about a year and a half. I decided to go for a new position when it came up about a year ago, I was reat for a change and wanted to prove that cancer was behind me.
Nothing has been the same since. It's a long story but I've made errors along the way and it finally got me fired. At times I've thought it was/is chemo brain affecting me, but I didn't want to really face that. I don't like to make excuses for mistakes.
I'm jobless now, was the main bread winner and carried insurance on the family. I'm hurt that they did this to me. I'm angry and scared. I can't afford CobrA.
My check up with MO is this month and I think I'll be covered thru Feb.
What are we going to do???
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sas-schatzi thank you for setting up a place to RANT! At this moment I am LIVID about my sister's lack of responsiveness to my plight. This will likely pass in a while, but I could feel my body getting hot and my blood pressure boiling, so I thought - let me go on breastcancer.org to see what the site has to offer about ANGER - and here this is - the perfect place to let it all out! Thank you!
My sister insists on communicating primarily via text. I hate this! texts are not consoling and are abbreviated and emotions are sorely lacking.
Last Tuesday, she texted asking why my chemo schedule is so aggressive, given the pet scan didn't show any tumors elsewhere in my body. I texted, that's too big of a question to text about Right?!? Her response,
Ah, okay, another time.
Then, I didn't hear from her, so I texted a link to my diagnosis, and wrote that scans can't find single cells or small clusters.
Dead Silence. For 5 days.
Finally today, I couldn't handle it and so today I texted
Gee whis sis Talk about crickets [Her term for when I don't answer her quickly] Are you dealing with something awful in your life right now or just not wanting to deal with my cancer? I know it's hard stuff for a lot of people to face, but you could have just faked it with any response kind of text. Anyway we just finished your delicious cookies last night, thank you.
Her response?
No, I can deal with your cancer, Definitely especially since your scan came back clean. TBC.
TBC?!? I am INFURIATED! it's like she STILL thinks the clean scan is the defining moment and my life is fine now. ARAGH!!!! I'm friggin fighting here - I lost my breasts in December, I'm at risk of lymphedema so I have to sleep on my back with pillows under my arms for the rest of my life for pete's sakes. I have insomnia as a result. I have 7 more chemo sessions, followed by 35 radiation sessions, with another breast reconstruction surgery somewhere in the future. The expanders are making me absolutely crazy. I can't even do house or yard work - they grate on my chest wall. The only thing that relieves that is Oxycodone, and I can't morally drive if I take a pill. I don't like taking that drug! I've lost my naivete. My body is scarred forever. My franken-noobs have zero feeling. I have lost any interest in sex. And from what I've read here, after all of this, I still have some level of risk for re-occurance.
Stage III Invasive Lobular Carcinoma. Usually positive, but today I AM PISSED.
There. Thank you for providing a place to SCREAM!
Anyone who has read this far, I really just needed a place to vent. I'm glad I did, because it freed me up for when the time came that my lil' sis and I talked it through...she understands more now. I just need to remember she has a very busy life and not everyone is equipped to support me in all the ways I would wish and dream. She does love me: she made me cookies for my birthday and sent me some front zip tops when she understood I had nothing to wear that was front closing after the surgery.
Cancer is such a bitch. Sometimes I'm mad about my condition and it spills over everywhere...
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If ONE more person tells me to "stay strong" or "stay positive" or "Keep my chin up"...
I get out of the bed every morning and I work and I function with this stupid dang cancer...give me some friggin credit.
If ONE more person tells me to pray for my feelings to be changed...Jesus himself felt every human emotion while He walked this earth...why am I not allowed the same grace?
I just want the surgery to get here asap (3/1) and for my path report to come back asap so we can put together a dang fight plan instead of living in this land of limbo...
How dare my cells do this to me
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I second that jrow!!!!!!
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jrow, I got quite a good number of people avoiding me for a long time, because the same "stay strong" and "stay positive" irked me so much, that I started being aggressive about it.
At the "stay strong" I would look them in the eyes and ask dulcetly "Oh you must know so much about the strength needed when going through cancer treatment. Please advise me." I would always get stammering excuses, lowered gazes and those people excusing themselves.
To the "stay positive" I'd say (and it's true I stole this from someone else) "I'm positive that I have cancer and I'm positive it sucks. anything else I should be positive about?"
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Why is it that cancer is the only disease where it is all about winning or losing the fight or the battle? So, if I fought harder, I could have won?
If I fell off the roof, would you say I lost my battle with gravity?
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Seachain - LOVE the "stay positive" response...that's a bloody riot!
Freya - good point, I agree....shouldn't be about winning or losing...
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its kind of hard to fight a lump of out of control cells inside your spine. All I can do is keep taking the pills and shots regardless of side effects.
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Freya, such an excellent point. So if I progress am I losing? 25 years ago was my first BC dx, so am I still winning that one, or did I lose when I got a new cancer a year ago?
p.s. I actually had someone say the above to me.
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That goes along with the concept that "the patient failed the drug". Uh, no. The drug failed the patient.
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Great responses, ladies. I will take them to heart as I am now facing progression. Hoped I would have had a few more months of stability, but oh well.
I guess I'm losing, right?
(Will update my Dx/Treatment info below when we decide which chemo I'll be on next...)
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(((Lita)))) I hate this F&^King disease...hugs and prayers.
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ME TOO. I HATE CANCER.
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Hate cancer. Hate cancer.
And to the person who should be the closest to me, the one who should have my back...the one who knows I have cancer and currently under treatment. The person I confided in and who used that information against me. F--K you.
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Patti, if there were a thumbs up emoticon, I would send it.
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theres one more thing to rant about, I am so disappointmed that all this stuff has left me with my goold arm all lymphed up, and weakened so much, people like those that mistreated Patti above, would have been fun to rearange. now all I can co is rant.
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Thanks Cliff!
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Hey Cliff = click on the smiley face up there and there is a thumbs up emoticon for you.
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Issue: People who have not been through it know SO little about it.
Before I got BC, I had no idea there were so many types of it, or anything about the hormone receptors and genes that have such influence on its behavior, how treatment has to be tailored to so many factors, and that there is NO 100% silver-bullet "cure" for any of us.
People think 1) you have surgery, 2) have rads and maybe chemo, and 3) BINGO! Your'e CURED, because "BC is one of the more curable cancers, isn't it???" That makes it easier for them to safely compartmentalize you and your illness.
I'm at the tail end of rads right now, and I am more impaired than I was a week after surgery (granted, I had a Lx, not a Mx; I can't even attempt to comprehend how much more difficult recovery from Mx must be). I have crushing fatigue, the likes of which I have never experienced. I look relatively normal, so a friend will call me and ask if I want to meet them for dinner in an hour, and I get to say, "Thanks, but I'm so tired I couldn't find the energy to take a shower today." I don't leave the house for days, other than to drive a few miles for rads.
My short-term disability was approved through the last day of rads. How generous of them! Yep, I'm going to pop right up and get back at it the day after!!! So Round Two with them starts all over the day after rads ends.
I had plans. My thirteen-year-old car is literally rusted out, and needs to be replaced before the chassis collapses onto the highway one day. I was planning a glorious trip with my daughter to a European country of our ancestral original in the late summer to celebrate her college graduation. Boy, THAT ain't happening.
Yep, I HATE CANCER.
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Fotheringay: I share your anger and frustration. My DD graduates from college this May. We, too, were planning a trip...don't think that's ever gonna happen now that I'm Stage 4. I hear you when it comes to fatigue...some days just getting in the shower and washing what's left of my hair is THE ONLY THING I can do that day.
The fatigue isn't just physical, it's MENTAL, too. It becomes a downward spiral, and you don't feel like doing anything or thinking about anything. It's rough. I have to try and motivate myself to organize all the income tax crap. At least I've dumped it all into a folder, but now I have to ORGANIZE the folder so when my tax preparer asks for things (property tax receipts, 1099s, charitable contribution acknowledgements, etc.) I can easily whip them out for him to key in. Gonna try and get started on that this weekend. In years past, I'd prepare a spreadsheet, but that just sounds like way too much work now.
Hope you can get an extension on your disability. The only consolation prize with Stage 4, is that they approve permanent disability without delay because they know you're gonna die.
Effin' Cancer!!!
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Just ranting. People think I'm okay. Even my husband thinks I'm okay. I am NOT okay. There's a painful spot in my armpit, the ultrasound couldn't find anything, the doctors don't worry but they suggested an MRI just for my peace of mind. I refused it. I thought I can start being "normal" again but I can't. I don't feel anything, no joy, no happiness, no sadness. Emotionally I'm already dead. Physically is not better either. Where my breast used to be, is now war zone. I can't lift my arms to take off my T-shirt. I may be alive but it feels as if I'm just going through the motions.
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Lita57,
I'm still a newbie, and not on the board that often, but i see how often you chime in with a kind word of understanding or support for those of us who are losing our minds, all the while fighting a tough battle of your own.
I just wanted to say thanks, and how much you are appreciated- You must have an expansive soul to be able to share so much of it with others.
((hugs))
Carrie
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You're welcome!
As if things couldn't get any worse, now my previous shoulder injury is acting up. Ibuprofen does nothing.
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So perhaps this story with make some of you laugh! I am laughing now with an edge of oh shiznit my husband may inadvertently kill me....
Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday I was tired and my stomach was just off. I inhale my dinner a delicious BLTO that I had been dreaming of for days. I go to bed. BAM 1:30 the sleeping dragon awakes and I proceed to vomit and have diarrhea every 10-15 minutes until 6:30am. I know sounds like it can't get any worse right...well I have cancer so IT CAN ALWAYS GET WORSE
Along with my body forcing things out of every opening available I have a sharp very acute pain starting in my mid bicep of my right arm and is shoots straight through to my finger tips. I have had three babies and this pain was a force to be reckoned with. I am on a Phase 1 trial and they have been monitoring my heart very closely so all I can think is perhaps this might be a heart attack...I have felt off for a few days and now a really unexplainable sharp arm pain is all I can think of as I sit near the toilet for at this point 4 hours. I wake my DH up and ask him to call the oncologist to see if I should go to the ER or not. This is where the story turns...my DH goes to get his phone. I am sitting on the toilet because I can't get off it with a large bowl in my lap...mental scene painted...my DH comes in and says "oncologist?" with the phone in his hands...I don't even look at him...I say "yes." He says, "do you know the number?" I say, "you'll have to look it up." He says, "Mercy Hospital?" I don't look at him as this is a really dumb question. He says sharply "don't get mad at me I am trying to help." I don't even look at him. I am trying to think if I can do it myself and know that I cannot because I have already thrown away two pairs of underwear by thinking I could get up and walk the 8 feet to my bed...I throw up again as he stands there and watches me with the phone in his hand. I know I cannot make this call to myself and am scared that I am really having a heart attack. I say rather snotty, "then don't ask questions, Dr. Name should be in your contacts." He walks away, moments later I hear him speaking to my local oncologist...it is 5am, he walks back into the bathroom but has to leave because he cannot hear the Dr. over the sound of me vomiting. The Dr. says it sounds like the flu no need to go to the ER. She asks him if I have anything to take...he explains that I have tried to take every one of the 500 anti nausea pills they have given me but that nothing stays down more than 2 minutes so they aren't working. The Dr. says no need to go to the ER. My husband hangs up. I ask if he was sure he told her about the arm pain. He assures me he did and that was not concerning to the Dr. Ok, I proceed to eat ice chips - which on a side note I will have to remember that when vomiting eating ice chips in between really helps to cut down on the burn! I am always looking for a silver lining So I finally fall asleep once my kids are off to school about 7:30 and don't vomit again...diarrhea however is hanging on for dear life nearly three days later....yuck. So yesterday the wonderful nurse calls me, I love her, to check to see how I am doing. Apparently my husband did not emphasize how acute and concerning the arm pain was. She said, "I wonder if I shouldn't have you come in now to have that checked." So, I love my husband but let's be honest...I am the boss and have run this boat for a very long time. At this point, in all seriousness, when the time comes or a close call occurs I don't know if he will be the one that will be able to help me when I cannot help myself.
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you made me laugh....sorry to meet another April 2016 metster under these circumstances.
Xeloda gives me horrible diarrhea, so I use imodium and wear Depends - no lie - because I got tired of ruining so many pairs of underwear.
Hope you feel better. Lots of crap going around. My dh is on his 2nd cold in one month's time.
L
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When you have been hurt by others so deeply. Your own father systematically throughout your life then one final jab at their death. How to you let it go? My father has blamed me for his divorce from my mother in 1975. I was 15 years old at the time. Two months before he dies he told me he blamed me but knows he was wrong. His current wife is still making horrendous remarks to me. Let it go, tell me how to get my mind back to normal. The last few years I believed he loved me ever since I had my BC diagnosis. I know I somehow need to get past all this but how to you do it?
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Nrsteph, sounds like you had the norovirus. But I wouldn't be absloutely sure of that. If it stopped afet about 6 hours and 48 hours later you feel better, well.
It sounds like your husband can be supportive but isn't great in an emergency? Sometimes that happens to people, male of female. They simply don't know what to do. [The day my husband woke up unable to breathe I panicked even though I'm usually the cool one)
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