STEAM ROOM FOR ANGER
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Runor, I agree, blast away. A lot of anger and resentment rear their ugly heads with this disease. I think we all have had friends and/or family who drop off like flies. People who blab out stupid insensitive comments. I have a friend who ignores me most of the time so I write her off as just another cancer casualty. then she's back! With all these nicey nice Emails, "let's do dinner" "I miss you" blah blah blah. Then she never follows through and is gone like a puff of smoke. She is just going through the insincere motions and I resent it a lot. She hasn't called me in six months then suddenly I am invited to her grand babies baby shower???? wow.
Even my family doesn't get what I'm going through. Almost two years since Dx and I've barely heard from them and only brief superficial texts. I recently moved to a different state, celebrated my 30th anniversary (TOO! Congrats!) and my daughter got engaged. I heard basically nothing from any of them until I commented to one sibling that nobody ever calls me. I suddenly got one brief text from another sibling then the crickets started up again. If one of them were going through this I would be calling all the time.
Not to make excuses for him but men are basically socially stupid even with their wives. They just don't get women really and especially ones who are dealing with the monsters on our mind and the aching ill bodies. They just want to go on everyday as usual, eat their dinner and hope the wife is happy. The comment about the cement box full of crap cracked me up but I would of cried too. I cry when I am frustrated or angry. Then I feel guilty too for "being a baby" when really we are dealing with a very high level of trauma and stress.
On the other hand my DH is bending over backwards to "make me happy". I mean bless his heart for trying and caring so much. But some days he makes me feel like I am a goner tomorrow so he'd better do his duty today. I swear he will barely let me lift a paper bag which is annoying as hell because I am still feeling pretty OK and he makes me feel incompetent. He pushes me out of the kitchen when I try to do dishes, tells me he will get all the groceries from the car. makes me feel guilty and I think to myself that he had better save all that for when I am really sick as he will burn out.....
I am trying to get back my cheerful tolerant self but some days I want to throat punch some people too. Thanks for listening!
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runor~I think what you're feeling is quite normal. You have every right to be angry, cancer is maddening and no one really understands what is going on with us, and sometimes we don't either. I also have gotten the short fuse issue. I have tried to calm myself before I speak now, because I realized my family was scared too. Especially since I was thee relationship manager of the household. And then I was sick sick sick in bed sick. So everyone looked at me with those. Deer in the headlights aspect ! Take a deep breath and give yourself a break. Cancer sucks ass, I have also had friends drop like flies when the cancer word appeared. Some people just can't handle it. I call them whimps. I hope you can snap hubby into reality soon, I hate it that most people are late to the support party, when what we need is just unconditional love and an ear to listen when we need to vent. Because this is scary shit here people I don't have time to worry about small things that at the end of the day don't mean shit next to what we are up against. Big hugs for you my friend. Come here and rant all you would like. ~M~
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THank you all.
My Hub isn't a bad person, sometimes just dumb beyond words. We had a few battles in the beginning when I think he wanted to not acknowledge that this shit had fallen on us. Like if he just kept on as if nothing had changed then nothing would change. I have also suspected for at least 29 years now that he is slightly on the autism spectrum, has a very hard time shifting gears or making changes of any sort, very hard time imagining that people feel differently about things than he does... there are difficulties associated with such people even as they are not cruel, malicious or intentionally stunned. But still, some days I have no defense against it. Like with the septic tank analogy. (wow, epic!)
The other person I have been short tempered with is my mother, which makes me feel REALLY HORRIBLE because I am a mother myself and cannot imagine having to watch my own daughter go through this. It would he horrifying on a whole new level. But my mom is one of those brush- it -off people. If I say I am feeling low I will be given a stern and abrupt lecture on how fortunate I am, how much I have to be grateful for and how I have to be positive. And I snap at her and say, no, no I do NOT have to positive. This sucks balls and I do not have to find the golden lining in any of it. I was bruised to my public bone and could hardly move for weeks due to pain, my boob looks like those gibbled clay pots I used to try and make in grade 10 pottery class, I have to have poison injected in my veins, then get chest nukes, take pills that are going to shrivel my vagina, where the FLUCK do I have energy or time to be positive in this? My poor mom. I am such a cow these days.
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Runor~ no honey you're grieving who you used to be. As I am as well. I have one boob and something that looks like a bad sewn up eye that is now never to open again. You have every right to be afraid, angry, scared, confused any thing you want to feel is ok! My mother is the same way. She cries about it , then when I bring it up she says you're going to be fine and that's it. Next..... so I just suck it up and move on like I do with pretty much every relationship I have except for DH. He's been my rock. My shelter. Cancer is just pure evil. The thought about having sex scares me. Because I look like a freak show. Why in earth would I want to be sensual when I sweat like a hog half the day. He doesn't miss a beat and I love him with all of my heart. But I don't like what I look like now. So it's my issue. Not his. He is the same., jokes the same , hasn't change one bit. But I have. I am not the same person anymore so I am desperately searching ways to feel beautiful again. I don't know how. I was happy with who I was so much. Why was it taken from us ? I still don't accept what has happened and I think that is what is holding me back. I am feeling much better since this medicine. And I am considered very stable. But I still live everyday in fear with that heavy feeling in my heart of worry of the unknown. I am thankful for you all who understand. God bless you all and may you find the strength you need to get through each day like I do. Hugs ~M~
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Runor I feel you. I have gone through the same. I had one good friend disappear only to turn up when I was done with active treatment to try and take credit with helping me. She can go to hell. My husband is wonderful and I am so thankful for him. But his family, they are total Hippocrates. They all say how family is the most important thing but they were nowhere to be found when I was sick. Well, except for my one brother and sister in law. So you are in good company. We understand and are here for you.
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I concur with all that has been said.
So many people just run away because the ominous word "CANCER" reminds them of their OWN mortality and they just don't want to deal with it.
My SIL has never ONCE called me, visited, or dropped off a meal. Friends come and go. My parents are both gone, and my four brothers are men, socially inept, and are dealing with their own health issues. Only my oldest brother kinda gets it because he has COPD and CHF, so he only has months to live, too.
It sucks. Thank God I have a decent husband, but everybody else can just go to hell.
In the end, it's just you, cancer and impending death looming over your head.
We cope and cry as best we can.
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runor-first, congratulations on making it to 30 years! Good, bad or indifferent, that is quite a feat and it deserves to celebrated. By digging up a concrete box of shit....well...definitely not! If we were really honest, any long term relationship probably has a box of shit stashed somewhere that needs to be dug up and disposed of, but certainly not as part of the anniversary!!
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My husband dropped dead in August. Yesterday would have been our 45th anniversary. Dealing with cancer would have been much, much harder, maybe impossible,if he were still here. Just sayin...
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Limnogal, your Box of Shit comment stored somewhere cracked me up.
Indeed, we all have multiple boxes of shit buried throughout our lives.
My rant is that family is going to Beach Blanket Babylon in SF, but I can't go cuz I'm just too wiped out from Rads, chemo, progression on scans, etc this week. I've always wanted to go, but I know what my body can handle and can't handle, being stage 4.
I can only do so many things in a week...and I'm going to a luau on Sunday, so I have to conserve my energy.
DAMN CANCER!!!
We all mourn what we used to be able to do without even giving it much thought and who we used to be. I feel like an invalid.
Next up, shopping for a Nova walker with a seat so I can sit when my back and hip are killing me.
Limping my way to the grave one step at a time because the pain and numbness is really coming back. Shit...double shit...because I only got a few weeks of relief from the recent rads, but the se's from Rads are still going strong.
DAMN CANCER!!!
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I am convinced that these people who drop out of our lives have ZERO or near to it emotional intelligence (EQ). That is not an excuse. I just wonder why I didn't realize how toxic they were to me before I had cancer?
I think any decent human being should have enough EQ to say "I am sorry."
I think I am better off without these people. I will NEVER let them let them back in my life. Never.
Coach Vicky
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I am with you all. My big sister and my father and one brother have basically dis owned me before I even got sick. Now all of a sudden they are on my phone crying and wanting to sit with me and hold my hand ????? Uh no! My hand wasn't good enough for you when I wasn't sick. Why is it any different now.? I will tell you what's different now. I have cancer and I Am sick of taking people's shit. Lol at referring to thee box of shit. Just leave me alone. I already know how good you are at that. Now that my birthday is coming this week, I am not even answering the phone. Go away. Cancer and those fare weather idiots! I also will never allow them into my life again either. The real people who love me unconditionally, the way I have loved will be with me until I limp up next to you at the end. god bless you all. Hugs ~M~
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To be clear ... I can forgive these people (the droppers) but I won't forget.
I am also the same with medical professionals. We fired my first primary care. She didn't want me to have a breast MRI because I was "cutting them off anyway." (Really? Who says this to a person? Who says this to a woman about to amputate her breasts?)
Thankfully I got the breast MRI. There lurking in the prophylactic breast was a 4cm lobular carcinoma.
Coach Vicky
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I am trying to become Zen. I am trying to not react to others like I used to. I am trying to see their way of being as their journey and not get my knickers in a knot over their bad behaviour. I am trying not to judge 'bad' for anyone except myself. I am studying Buddhism as a way to get through this cancer crap. But I SERIOULSY suck at it!
I can see where it's not good to hold onto the anger (my favorite pastime, anger hoarding) , so someone you thought was your friend wasn't. Let it go. HOWEVER, cancer changes and sharpens focus in so many ways. It galvanizes and clarifies. It frightens and compels. And once a person comes through this conveyor belt of craziness and if you are still standing on the other side, while you may forgive those failed friends, there is no way to go forward in a new way and drag that dead wood along with you ever again!
I have a friend who upon hearing that I was being investigated for cancer, tried to sell me the latest cure-all product she has jumped on. She is a multi level marketing cultist who believes that she is going to live a life of fabulous wealth with the latest craze that she has signed on to sell. Rubber stamps, make-up, coffee, and now vitamins. And when I told her I might have cancer and she said she'd give me a good deal on whatever she was getting rich on...yeah, no thanks, buh-bye.
THe other side of this coin is friends who I thank the gods for. They know that I am an introvert and having people in my house cleaning it for me, stresses the hell out of me. I will be half dead and I will STILL push a vacuum over the floor, even if I have to hold it in my teeth. So they offer and then know darn well that, for now, I say no. But they all say, "If you change your mind later..." God bless them. They also know that I hate to cook even when I'm firing on all rockets, so without even asking, food arrived. Boxes and bags of frozen meals. Now THAT is a lottery I am happy to win! They even know that in my dark moments I can't bear the thought of visiting with anyone, so they set food on the porch, knock on the door and leave without even seeing me. (most times I do manage to act like a human). My favorite is when Hub and I go to town, come home to find that someone has let themselves in the house and left a bunch of baking on the table. The criminal act of Bake and Enter!
I agree with you Coach Vicky, the words, "I am sorry" are available to everyone and should be taught as a gracious act of social convention in this society. I really have to find my Zen so I can move forward with bravery and an unburdened heart into whatever life is going to present me ... not burdened with disappointment, pain and ties that keep me connected to people I need to let go of.
In the meantime, until I achieve enlightenment, I still rant and bitch.
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runor~ that was a very enjoyable read. Thank you and I agree and even chuckled at your analogies. God bless you honey. All those words you spoke are so true. ~M~
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Runor.....I have never read such a wonderful well written post.....love it.....feel ya.
Jacqueline
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I get an insensitivity award. My Mom called worried she might have shingles. I asked she said no rash but my skin feels almost sunburn. What do you think I should do? I told her I don't know I guess you could call the doctor? But it is Saturday night. Do we run down to urgent care? I said I am sorry I don't have any advice. She hung up on me. Ugh. Everything is a major issue with her health in her eyes. So my husband drove over with some calomin lotion. He said her back looks fine. What would she be like if she had breast cancer, HELLO.
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I hear ya meow though not with my mom since she doesn't know but friends. OMG I have a terrible cough and am on abx. Well let me tell you about abx. I'm the master with it since my radiated side likes to become infected from time to time. I have to hold my tongue when someone acts like it's a medical catastrophy when they know what I've been through not just with bc but the several complications I had, and I did it alone. Get a grip folks. Ugh.
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And then there are folks like us with Stage 4....with mets in our bones, muscles, and organs....
Some of us can't even walk without a walker or cane anymore.
Some of us have to drain liver ascites from our swollen abdomens every day.
Some of us have brain mets and can no longer spell, let alone type; we're losing our eyesight and our hearing and our balance.
Some of us have side effects from chemo and rads that will never dissipate because we'll be on some form of treatment until we enter hospice....then we'll have to deal with SE's from the palliative care.
Some of us will even die this year.
MEOW, people like your mom don't have a damn clue. I've never had shingles, and I hope I never get it because it's probably no day at the beach, but at least shingles won't kill me in a matter of months like Stage 4 Cancer.
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I have to agree with the medical issues. My mother is also ill. She has a bad case of cellulitis in both legs and I have to admit after speaking with the home nurse (I live in pa she lives in Mississippi) she said it's pretty bad showing signs of sepsis, and needs to go to the hospital again after just coming home six weeks the first go round. But when we talk she crys and says she doesn't want to live like this. I get annoyed ,the pain for us is unforgiving and relentless so had to snap her out of it and say hey. You're not alone here I'm pretty damn sick as well. She's an awful patient and I am feeling very much like the mother here. She should have had something done about this problem instead of sitting in her pile of wooezeme whining everyday. I would give anything to have something that would go away if I do what the doctors say. Instead I, we can do nothing but fight. If we cry to loudly or scream to much , then we are negative and a downer.?? Excuse me!!? Take a look in the mirror here please. You're 75 years old and are acting like a baby. I am freaking turning 47 on Thursday and I have nothing but a long painful battle ahead for years. If I'm even lucky! She saw her grandchildren. She knows her kids got married and got to see all that. I am not so sure if I'll be that lucky. So mom. Just shut up. I'm sorry if I sound cold too. It's just enough. Hugs of strength!
Big hug for Lita. I wish there were no pain for us to suffer through. You're an inspiration Lita, you may not see it, but you are. 💜Color of hope ~M~
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Bosom and Micmel, you are inspirations, too. Don't ever forget that!
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BosumBlues:
I understand what you are saying. Too much time looking at cancer info, even GOOD cancer information can have an overall demoralizing effect. It is best taken in small doses, on days when you feel up to the challenge.
Because I am very demonstrative and passionate and verbose , this rant and rave topic is great for me, and great in unburdening some inner steam.
However, I say with some caution because I know it will not be popular (but is this a popularity contest? Are we all here to see the world the same way? No) I have had to get a perspective that my cancer is MY event and not a stick to beat others with. While I agree with the other posters that some people can be grossly insensitive, cancer sufferers are not immune to also being insensitive. We can become very narrowly focused. At times, this is absolutely necessary for survival and in those times we should draw the curtains and make our time about US!
I think listening to people, hearing them, is an act of love. Listening is love. Not solving, not talking someone out of their feelings, just hearing them. Suffering comes to us all in different shapes and sizes, in different ways at different times. I was hurt when a friend told me about an upsetting event in her life and then followed it with "But considering your situation I guess I don't have anything to complain about." I thought, if that's true, if she has to measure her life against mine, that kind of makes me a jerk, doesn't it?
Just because MY life is sucking right now does not mean that anyone has to pretend that their life isn't also sucking in different ways. They do not have to compare their life problems to my CANCER and think," oh, gee, cancer trumps everything. Runor has all the suffering cards so I better just fold my hand and admit defeat. " If my reaction to everyone else's problems is that I think they are insignificant compared to mine, then I am every bit as insensitive as the person who goes on about their bad haircut while I'm waiting for a chemo appointment.
Yes, there are situations in which other people should probably shut the hell up, especially if they make their minor issues out to be major problems. Or if they can't tell when you are not up to hearing their whining, because sometimes the energy is just not there. But it is also true that other people still suffer, and are allowed to, and should be able to tell me about it without making this a suffering contest. Because that makes me feel like a shitty friend. Plus it will erode and alienate friends if suddenly all our conversations become all about me. If they feel that suddenly their lives are cast in the light of Those Who Do Not Have Cancer Can't Complain things will sour quickly. Life stinks sometimes in many ways. Not just this cancer crap way. I still want to hear about the lives my friends live, regardless of who has the bigger problem.
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Well said runor. I try to remember that it isn't a who has a worse life event than me but sometimes it's hard when someone just goes on and on about something that we all get, and recover from, when you are having a bad day yourself.
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Absolutely well said rumor. Life is not a contest as to who suffers the most.
Someone going thru a divorce suffers major shit.
Someone losing a job they absolutely loved goes thru major hell, too.
And let's not even talk about losing a child.
We're all here to support each other.
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Well, I come to this forum to rant because I can get it out. My mother is doing better today, I am glad I don't say anything to her. She is so lucky to be 82 without any major health concerns, she should stop worrying about every ache and pain. People who don't live with cancer don't know how lucky they are.
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I agree this rooms heading speaks it all., this is the place i come to let it go, because I don't want to hurt someone's feelings when sometimes all I need is a little place like this to scream in and let loose. Let's face it people can be clueless. Yes there are many types of problems and pain, wether it's physical, emotional, or mental they are all illnesses that have great hurdles to wake up to in the morning. This room is meant to give us that place and release, that maybe we can't let loose at our homes, because we know that the people who care for us are good and we know that there's no way they or anyone who isn't going through it could truly understand and I would never want them to experience this sadness and if I'm honest terror. Stage four is scary shit. Stage two is scary as shit to the person going through it, but I am the one who had been told stats that maybe I'm allowed to not like. I may at some point get over my diagnosis, or accept it even, but I am not there yet and I am allowed to feel that way, and I'm not afraid to say that someone who is suffering with bone mets and mets scattered all over their bodies are good people that doesn't deserve what is happening to them either. I'm allowed to feel things at any moment, and coming here helps me be a better person so I don't go ahead and actually tell people to shut up. People who have cancer all over their bodies feel unexplainable pain that never goes away and it gets to your mind and the way you can or cannot tolerate outside environments, or personal interferences, Walking to get the mail can cause serious pain. Saying one thing here to vent and treating someone like the anger we feel are Completely different. This is the room to let loose and tell it like it is. And let's also remember that everyones situation is different and we don't know how that specific person is really being treated overall by friends, DH, or anyone else that maybe is not really accepting what has happened either. Maybe they aren't acting the same before the diagnosis? Maybe the communication skills in both parties are lacking? . I would much rather come here to scream for ten minutes, than say something that could potentially ruin a relationship, that is obviously being tested by this awful thing called cancer or any illness that has the possibility of ending someone's life, I think some of the rules and expectations of how I should do things or act, have become a thing of the past. Cancer has changed me and changed my life. No one is going to say the perfect thing every time. That's impossible , but I will read these posts and I feel inside sorrow and understand that at that moment, most likely what brought you here to let it out, may just have happened to me last week and I understand, even If i feel I do not understand, it's not my place to offer up the way someone else should or should not be feeling, I am here to listen and offer support and words of encouragement, not to tisk my finger and say anything, other than I'm sorry that something that bothers you that much brought you here. Like planet fitness this is the no judgment zone to me. I'd rather yell here, and get it out, then cry again later because I said something I cannot take back. Of course we realize it's not all about us, because in reality a least for me, those are the very people we are fighting to stay alive to love or live life with because we do love them. , just not always what they say and how they may have acted. It is clearly not easy and clearly very scary for everyone involved. I just need to say thank you all for sharing and listening. Without you, I again would be speaking and venting to myself. Hugs strong ladies. Don't be too hard on yourself, there is no big blue print on how to navigate cancer with emotions and feelings on top of disfigurement and loss of viability and lust for life and constant pain. I can see why people would break down over and over again. ~M~
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Well, I'm glad I discovered this venting spot! I'm so sick of my in laws and I'm sure it won't get better. They're used to my husband doing things for them. We've helped with bills, babysat, taken people on family vacations with us, hosted the holiday dinners, let two members live with us four years ago and we tried to make regular visits to their homes. But now in this great time of need what are they doing? Well, I get dumb texts and phone calls telling me they're praying for a miracle. Really?! I bet you are, so dh and I can get back to caring for your needs and wants!
None of them come by or bring a meal or pick up our boys for the day. No cards or flowers from them after my surgery. Even my kids' school sent us a card! My siblings and two neighbors gave flowers. A former co-worker found out what was going on from my dh's brother. They called, had very kind words and have dropped off a meal since. And what of my BIL? He sees them at work and asks them how did I seem to be doing! My dh's cousin asked if we needed anything but never responded when I said yes help with household chores or cooking.
My husband has been handling it all with help from two friends of ours and two siblings of mine. This past week I've ignored his family's calls and texts. You selfish dumb rocks!!! That's what I feel like saying to my husband's family. No, let me be real.... The last word wouldn't be rocks! Thank you for letting me get that off of my now flat chest!
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Smiling~ you're not alone. Some people are either selfish or very uncomfortabley clueless. I am going through some issues with my own children. I know they are in denial about what's going on because my onc says how well I'm doing. Yeah I'm doing well., we all do well, but we need freaking help, battling cancer is really hard work and the endless fatigue means we never get relief or a break. I think people chose to see us the way we used to be, because no one really adapts always to change successfully. I have back mets and boy do they fuc*ing hurt like hell. So there I am, today all alone. Weeding the side of the house alone. The weeds were almost as tall as I am , and I am 5.9 (unless cancer took that too) thistle weeds, those mother effin strong weeds that look like little trees. There I am pulling those bitches all alone. Son did mow the lawn. But was gone with the wind after and failed miserably at weed whacking!!! I asked my daughter to help me yesterday, but it was period day god forbid she move too much. Here I am with one lung, no real functional arms, lymphedema in one arm, thoracic outlet syndrome in the other, bone mets in several places in my pelvis primarily,one boob,joint pain ,back ache to stop a train. But I did it. Alone with no help. I'm realizing that even those closest to us can be CLUELESS, and I even went as far as to ask for help!!! Crickets......with DH out of town for our sons Eagle Scout I wanted it to be done when he got home,so he didn't go out to do it , he does so much and never complains. I forced myself to do it, when I was done I felt good for myself,but resentful that no one seems to give a shit that I am sick as hell. Things don't stop needing to be done, that is also on top of cleaning a bathroom , grocery shopping,carrying all those weeds to the trash can alone, two loads of laundry.. while every one else is out having a blast. It just plain sucks that people expect us to be the same as we were, but we Cant find that person anymore. Some of my real family disowned me a long time ago because I got divorced, then they try to crawl back to cleanse their souls. Yeah no! You guys were pricks. I'm done with you, I know my kids are still youngish, But I have to make sure they get it, while i am still here. Not when i am gone. ~M~
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Micmel, I have such trouble with the word fatigue. Fatigue. It sounds so Elizabethan and genteel, like one might faint, ever so slowly and delicately, over a floral print sofa and fan one's face with a lace edged handkerchief. I think fatigue is utterly wrong. I think what you and all cancer patients suffer is so much beyond fatigue! And yet that STUPID word keeps appearing in cancer literature. It's more like bone breaking, soul sucking, body busting, gut gripping, death defying EXHAUSTION. The kind that makes work horses keel over dead while attached to a plow. I think it is so unfair that the word 'fatigue' was ever associated with the life draining, energy sucking event that cancer treatment is. (not saying you invented the word, just what you describe is so much beyond mere fatigue!)
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Micmel, I have such trouble with the word fatigue. Fatigue. It sounds so Elizabethan and genteel, like one might faint, ever so slowly and delicately, over a floral print sofa and fan one's face with a lace edged handkerchief. I think fatigue is utterly wrong. I think what you and all cancer patients suffer is so much beyond fatigue! And yet that STUPID word keeps appearing in cancer literature. It's more like bone breaking, soul sucking, body busting, gut gripping, death defying EXHAUSTION. The kind that makes work horses keel over dead while attached to a plow. I think it is so unfair that the word 'fatigue' was ever associated with the life draining, energy sucking event that cancer treatment is. (not saying you invented the word, just what you describe is so much beyond mere fatigue!)
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run~ let's create a new word. lol I am open for options. It sucks ass there is no other way to describe it. Scanxiety was adopted for scans. Now to ponder a new word for fatigue. But you are 100% correct and I have to say I even laughed at your analogy of the fainting ever so gently lol. That is in no way us huh? LOL. I can guarantee you that is no way us. Good grief. Far from it, and yes I agree with all of those phrases you mentioned to describe the evil that cancer is. You explain your thoughts quite well lol. Hang in there. We have no choice!! ~M~
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