STEAM ROOM FOR ANGER
Comments
-
Wow. I usually play the cancer card to lower costs on stuff that can be negotiated. Usually works, but if someone is insensitive and greedy, then it won't work.
0 -
if there was a day I could wake up with out and feeling another strange pain, I for a second just might dream that it was my old body. I just sit and there it is yet another new pain that I could swear wasn't there yesterday. It is like they are hopping from body part to body part! Seriously like I've had enough of this shit. Also, I am scanning a week from today at 900 am. Gotta drink the hand lotion and pretend I have it together. Which I don't, i am getting very good at pretending. Even in my sleep sometimes I dream about pain of how terrible my feet had hurt after that horrible AC\abraxane night mare . So then I realize that if there ever came a time that they said I needed to back on something like that,to make my hair fall out again, I just dont think I could make it through something like that again mentally,no less physically. I am just starting to get normal feeling back and my fingernails are looking somewhat normal again! I just want to stay stable on this regimen, and never have to look back again at that awful shit. I realize the reality of it all is i have been through the heavy stuff and I just don't think my body could take it. Most days lately I feel better,but some days scare me because it's just never consistent anymore. There is always that one day in the week where you just feel like you have cancer. Nauseous, a flu like feeling in your bones and cells, that slug feeling of having to force yourself up to go to the bathroom. Then a few days later I'm jogging down by the pond looking at the turtles. At least I'm still faster than them. But I also think slow and steady wins the race. Which I am praying can be me. Right along side all you other wonderful fighters. I am SO SICK OF HAVING CANCER ,enough already. It's like everyday torture of some sort. Between the illness feeling and the mental stress. I don't know for one second somedays how we even wake up. It's just not fair that god would have such a horrible disease for good people to have to literally fight for their lives. It just sucks more than anything I can possibly even begin to imagine. ~M~
0 -
Micmel: you speak for me and I am sure so many others. I am SO SICK OF HAVING CANCER too. I am so angry sometimes how I feel and how it affects me both mentally and physically. I feel like I have aged so much since I have been diagnosed and find my joints and muscles ache so much and pain can be a minute by minute experience with no let up sometimes. I'm not working (haven't since moving the US which is ano story) and find I waste so much time in my days not achieving anything - then find moving so painful after sitting at my laptop after wasting time browsing or binge watching shows. And where can we vent as who can really understands how it feels to be given this diagnosis unless they have been there themselves. My DH doesn't have that instinct of knowing what to say or do to help. I find he misses the point that I really don't want to plan too far ahead. So he says - what do I want to do and plan for and I say "I have no idea!" So then I come down and feel better after a rant and a cry, for a while, and then we plan for a family photo (my youngest is going to college in September, my eldest is already a sophomore at college) and a holiday, and to get the back garden(yard) done at last! I can't really discuss it with my Mum over Skype (I live in Souther California and she in the UK) as she has her own health issues and is older now so we usually concentrate on that because I really don't know what to say to the question "How are you". What I really find comfort from is readings posts from this site and know that I am not alone. My elder son is also fab at motivating me too via text. I'm trying to go swimming at least 3 times a week - and so he checks in to make sure I've gone (he's a track runner so had a mindset for training) and bless him, has just contracted Mono (glandular fever for those in the UK) but is coping well with having to stop running and the ever constant micromanaging and pressure of grading each and every piece of work that the US education system demands!! (thats ano rant of mine) Oh well - better out then in as they say!
I wish you well for today and for tomorrow and for all the days ahead.
0 -
schwilly~ I do understand my friend I do. I know the empty feeling when someone mentions an event that may just be coming up in a year or so. And i grimace in terror/fear of even seeing through to the next scan. You are not alone and I understand all the aches and pains and days of driving myself crazy thinking about how i have MBC. I binge watch also. A lot. But I also have my fit bit to hold me accountable, and I get up and struggle somedays to get that 250
Steps in. I feel stronger every day but I'm scared to believe and get my hopes up that this regimen I am on is actually working for me. That alone takes me to my knees. I read an article last night that said. Cancer patients suffer from a form of post traumatic stress syndrome and I 100% agree with the article. I know I suffer from it. And I am not a doctor but willing to bet that also applies to each everyone of us fighters. So now I have another diagnosis that I realize I have obtained, if not formally. But I know it's there. Holding all close in prayer! ~M~
0 -
You both give me courage as I face another MAJOR TASK for today: Purchasing the niche for my ashes at the cemetery where my parents and grandmother are buried.
The last time I saw my MO, I wanted to discuss what I should bring to Hawaii in 6 months when I head there with my BFF from grade school. She said, "We can't discuss that. That's too far in the future for you, and we don't know where you'll be."
I'm not upset at her at all. She told the truth. My initial scan report a year ago is EIGHT PAGES LONG. It took me months to get up the courage to read it because I didnt want to know how bad it was. Any one of my mets could go ape-shit at a moment's notice: liver, pancreas, adrenals, kidney, bladder, abdominal wall; and any of the bone mets in my spine, pelvis, ribs, hips, and of course the Mets in the adjacent muscle tissue. My oldest brother and I chatted on the phone yesterday. He's amazed I'm still here. By God's grace, He is keeping me here for His purpose.
Yes, and I have PTSD, too. I swing back and forth between wanting to keep fighting and then being SO exhausted and fatigued that I just want to get it over with and go home to Jesus.
But I feel blessed that we are all here to lift each other up with love and support no mafter how crappy we feel.
0 -
Lita~ everyday you are in my prayers and I think you are the inspiration around here. I just want you to be pain free and not hear through your words your uncertainty and struggles! Since I have been a part of this board, you are one name I will always look for and keep track of. I consider you one of my MBC sisters as we all are when we enter the gate, we can no longer turn back from. But you're not alone and I know DH and you are one strong unit, alongside with Sofia. We are your cheering section!! Always here ready listen and hear any rant you need to let loose. I think you're an amazing kind sweet soul. If only I could take your pain away, I would! Keeping you close in prayer! The strength you have shown, between choosing your own magnificent urn to making sure where YOU want to Rest In Peace is your choice and your comfort level. I sit here in awe of you. ~M~
0 -
Lita, I will keep you in my prayers as well. You do have something to look forward to with a lovely trip to Hawaii!!!
0 -
OK, so I paid the down payment for my niche at the cemetery. You can see the picture in "A place to talk [about] death and dying issues" thread if you wish.
I didn't put the picture here because I am sensitive to other BC sisters' feelings. Some of us just DON'T WANT TO DISCUSS these things on certain threads, and I respect that. We are all fighting for our lives, and I realize that discussing end-of-life issues might not help some sisters...in fact it might really bring them down and not be at all productive when it comes to their own personal battle. We all have our own way of coping, and we should be compassionate because our way of handling things is not necessarily THE WAY everyone should do it.
And that's why I'm not quite ready to file my DNR and notarized POLST yet. Just can't bring myself to do it.
So now my latest rant chimes in with Micmel's. I just spent TWO WEEKS getting spinal rads, and my back is somewhat better, but now my right hip is clicking and hurting, and my shoulder's acting up again, too. Yep, it's musical chairs in terms of the aches and pains dept. We MBC gals just can't catch a break. But at least I can stand up for more than 90 seconds now, so I should be grateful for that. Scan in 2 wks will tell me what's going on with femur and humerus.
Wishing you dear ladies a relatively pain-free weekend 😉.
0 -
(((((Lita))))) Just a hug because I am helpless to do anything else for you and the other Stage IV sisters I have come to worry about on these threads. Since I came to these boards in 2013, I have seen so many diagnosed and some have been doing well and sadly, some have not.
I do know just how blessed I am to have been diagnosed at the earliest stage possible. I am a survivor of a second cancer as well so my body likes to make cancer cells apparently so am acutely aware at all times that things can change for me at any time.
May you have as many pain free days as God will see fit to give you and to any and all of us taking these meds etc. My pain is from Femara - holy cow does that AI (and all of them as I was also on Aromasin which was worse) wreak havoc on what was once a healthy strong body. I HATE AI's! Rant over...
0 -
Thanks for the upbeat post, April.
My MO probably won't put me on AI's unless all markers go way down. She prefers to keep me on Xeloda chemo pills (as long as it keeps working). AI's are horrible! Xeloda's no picnic either, but once the dosages are adjusted, it is tolerable...even the Hand/Foot Syndrome can be managed if one works at it. And we at least get one week off in between weekly cycles, thank God. I hear you have to take the AI's EVERY DAY, so there's no respite from pain.
Well, today's May 1, so it's back to paying bills and filing (which I hate).
Hope everyone is enjoying spring without too much trouble from allergies.
L
0 -
I spent the past 3 weekends in the A&E/chemo ward for new acute uncontrollable pain and difficulty breathing. I already have codeine to hand, and use it as necessary, but this wasn't touching it.
First discharge - You're attention seeking. Have some paracetamol.
Second discharge - Your pleurisy and pneumonia was missed. Have some antibiotics.
Third discharge (after being admitted as I lost movement in my left fingers) - You have brain mets.
Am furious that 3 weeks ago I couldn't get past a triage nurse, and it turns out to be a massive progression. There's a treatment plan coming together now, but if I'd been taken seriously 3 weeks ago I'd have more of a jump on this.
Garghhhhhhhhh......bloody cancer
0 -
blonde~. I am so annoyed right along with you. I pray this course of treatment is your ticket to feeling well again. I understand how you feel I really do. Only someone else who has cancer can truly understand how horrible it is. Drains you of everything you once were. And could ever be. And future? Whats that ? I don't want to plan anything or go anywhere because I look like a freak. I can't wear normal shoes yet because my feet are so F*cked up from that awful chemo, I have to look like I am always ready to go to sleep not go out. I have one boob and clothing is a challenge and nothing hangs correctly on my chest. I have a road map for a stomach and a third eye which I call my port. Yeah that sounds like someone who is ready to go out on the town. Every ten minutes I feel as if I will melt, because of horrible heat flashes and day to day feeling like I have the worst flu of my life hat had settled in my bones and isn't leaving anytime soon, but instead will invite more cancer friends for a party to try to spread. This wasn't my life a year ago. So what the hell happened I'll never know but it's a shit stew. I'm sorry you're also here with me. But I understand your feelings I truly do. Hugs ~ M~
0 -
HOW CAN MY SURGICAL ONCOLOGIST BE THE #1 AT MY HOSPITAL? WHO DOESN'T GIVE THEIR PATIENT A BLOOD TRANSFUSION DURING SURGERY. I WAS BLEEDING! I LOST A LOT OF BLOOD FOUR GOODS SAKE! APOLOGIZE? WTF? MY MOTHER WANTS HER DAUGHTER, MY DAUGHTER WANTS HER MOTHER, MY HUSBAND WANTS HIS WIFE! NOT AN APOLOGY. CATASTROPHIC ACUTE KIDNEY FAILURE RESULTED! FUCK YOU DR. DUMBASSFOR NOT BEING AVAILABLE ALL THE TIMES ME AND MY FAMILY TRIED SO HARD TO REACH YOU! "Its the weekend. I dont work til Monday". WOW! I SHIT YOU NOT! THEN AGAIN FROM HOME AFTER MY 10 DAY HOSP STAY FROM THE MISTAKE SHE MADE DURING SURGERY. A 2ND SURGERY WAS REQUIRED ONCE MONDAY CAME AND SHE SAW MY CONDITION. BUT SHE WOULDN'T PERFORM IT! SHE DEMANDED MUY PLASTIC SURGEON CLEAN UP HER MESS. I WAS LITERALLY IN HE'LL BETWEEN SURGERIES. SURROUNDED BY LITTLE BLACK DEMONS WITH RED EYES AND SHARP TEETH. SURROUNDED! I WAS SEDATED AND THAT IS WHERE IT TOOK ME. TO THAT PLACE DEMONS LIVE. PTSD?! I DONT KNOW. QUITE POSSIBLY. I DONT TRUST MY ONC DR NOW. ITS BEEN OVER 2 MNTHS AND IM STILL NOT HEALED. CANT EVEN GET MY EXPANDERS FILLED YET.
0 -
bloody doctors! Im sorry to hear of your troubles.
0 -
Some days I fill with anger over what has happened.
Today is one of those days.
Coach Vicky
0 -
0
-
I hope you find a better care team really fast, Mystifer - {gentle hugs}
Micmel - I know the feeling when the only tolerable clothes you can wear are a loose dressing gown and slippers! Can they give you anything for the hot flashes? I liked the 'chillow' at night to help me sleep (it's like a pillowcase you can chill so it gives you something lovely and cold to lie on)
0 -
looks like I am not the only one stuck in the shitty soup. I hate everything and a lot of days everyone. No one really understands the end of hopelessness we feel going through this everyday. Family says they are there for you but then treat you like shit, how can they not understand what stage fuc*ing four is? How terrifiying waking up every day wondering where else it is spreading. Watching people live and do things without you as you battle to sit up because of bone pain somedays. How insensitive people really are and the things they say. Why does everything I feel turn around on me and Seem like even the smallest thing Is compounded just by the mere fact I have cancer. Nothing is the same and I am broken. Very very empty scared and broken. I am just exsisting scared of cancer not living.
Mystify~ I'm so very sorry honey. Truly and whole heartedly sorry. Sending gentle hugs. None of this is fair and you're not alone,those demons are always in the worm hole I end up in on a day to day basis. And sometimes in my night terrors butI'll try to battle them with you. ~M~
0 -
blondedoris and mistyfier, that is horrendous! Infuriating BS! What is worse is that there seems to be no recourse when these Dr's screw up BIG TIME! It's only a human life, a wife, mother, sister...who the hell cares? Wow, very scary
0 -
blond~ thank you for the suggestion. I am going to have to look for that. And no I can't have anything for the hot flashes because I have to take the hormonal therapy, and I have no more ovaries so that slammed me into menopause and that also brings the sweats. I have ER positive cancer so anything to stop the sweats would be hormonaly related and he says a big no!!! So here I suffer with an industrial fan and my collection of small hand towels for excess water collection on my far head and neck. Yuck but got my results backand they are no progression on my scan so I am considered very stable. I'll take it. I just pray it continues for a very long time. Have a great weekend everyone. ~M~
0 -
micmel, when I was going through chemo-induced menopause (had all the hotflashes other women get in 5-6 years of premenopause in three months only) I used to put baby wipes in the freezer then wear them on my head. It really helped. The fact that I was bald from chemo also helped with that lol.
Also, there are some thin strips of fabric made in a tube filled with silicone gel that you can put in the freezer then put them around your neck, and that really helps cooling off.
0 -
Is gabapentin something you can try for hot flashes? Or tumeric-curcumin with black pepper supps? I've read many people get some hot flash relief from these.
0 -
sea chain~ ty for the suggestions !!
0 -
micmel, for my flashes when I went into instant menopause (after my mx and going on meds) is ice packs. I keep 2 going in the freezer all the time. I often get up and get one and then I always have one frozen that way, I've found putting it on my head cools me right down. I have had times I have stuck my head in the freezer at the grocery store in an emergency!
0 -
Colorado~. Thank you for the suggestions. I'll try anything!! I have also stayed close to the refrigerator section in case of self combustion!! Yuck! Have a great day ~M~
0 -
Life has knocked me down several times, filling me with pain and sadness I never wanted to experience. I don't understand why life tests us, but I know it takes everything you deal with the physical changes caused by breast cancer treatment. To make matters worse, you feel like you can't complain, because everyone think you should be happy to be alive. And I am…but it's tad annoying when a tiny oak mite or mosquito bite turns your whole arm into a swollen red log. One of the lovely after effects of having lymph nodes removed.Life after breast cancer is often referred to as, "A new normal." Well, there is nothing "normal" about a double amputation, being poisoned, radiation burns, skin fused to your chest wall, an armpit lump of scar tissue, frozen shoulder, joint pain from hormone therapy and accompanying depression.
I hate the phrase. "A new normal.." But pink is still my favorite color.
0 -
I get a little annoyed when I hear people all upbeat saying breast cancer is very treatable. We need better treatment period. Sometimes I wonder what is worse the cancer or the treatment.
0 -
I agree completely. Living fighting cancer is like a punishment in my mind. I always say cancer robs you of your insides, and the cancer treatment robs us of our outsides. It's disgusting if you think about all we go through to even attempt to get better. It's torture and it's cruel. I agree with you. It Is annoying, but I rather hear we can treat you, then there is nothing we can do. Sending blessigs to all my BC sisters. You're not alone. ~M~
0 -
I hate how I hate myself over how hateful I feel sometimes.
In a former life I would blow off or excuse people's bad behaviour. I'd find a reason for their short comings and make excuses for their failures. Now... I want to throat punch people who get it wrong. My sense of live- and -let- live has vanished and I DO NOT LIKE this angry monster that I feel I have become (and I'm not even on any hormone altering treatments yet, god help us when I am!)
I have a friend who had some rather serious medical problems prior to my start down this cancer crash course. I kept in touch and tried in every way I could to be supportive. I listened to her when she needed to talk and tried to not say those little bumper sticker things that people say when they don't know what else to say. Instead I tried honesty, "I don't know what to say, I can't imagine how you get through this, I am so sorry." I reached out over and over.
Has she reached out to me? Has she returned the favour? I know she can't help me, can't cure me. But I thought we were friends in some capacity and boo, jokes on me, because we are friends when SHE needs support but not friends when I need it. My disappointment has morphed into disgust and betrayal. I hate that this is me.
Today DH said something stupid and I cried. I asked if he wanted to do something special for our upcoming 30th anniversary. He blinked at me like a deer in the headlights because for 30 years not much special has been done for any reason.( There have been marital issues for a long time and this filthy cancer has really highlighted problems that were becoming intolerable to me.) He never wants to take time off work for ANY REASON and part of that is because he cannot cope with change of any sort. Not at all. If he expects to work 5 days of the week and I need a day of that week, wow, this causes him big distress. This is a major gear shift and he gets all messed up. So the idea that he might take time off to celebrate 30 years of actually remaining married ... he had to get all wigged out and then he said (I kid you not!) " I would take time off if we were going to do something special, but if all we're going to do is dig up the septic tank, then I don't think I need to miss work to do that."
Uhhh...? What? Dig up the septic tank? When thinking about 30 years of marriage the first words out of his mouth concern a giant concrete box full of shit? And because I had no words for that, none at all, I cried. I have not cried too much in all this, have cried less than I thought. (been too stunned and mortified to cry and I have the worst yet to get through!) but today I cried. And I wanted to throat punch him. I cried because I want him with me to the se appointments and crap, I want him listening to the bad news because my ears shut down and head rings and I don't remember what is said. And we have had fights already because he says he wants to be there 'for the important stuff' but doesn't want to be bothered with the less important, as if I have any way of knowing what kind of news is about to be delivered when I walk into an appointment!!!
I hate that I can no longer blow stuff off. That it all goes right to my heart and HURTS. I hate how some people say stupid stuff so THEY feel better and to hell with me and how I feel. If this is my new normal, I can't say I feel great about it. And I'm mad that I can't even feel free to be angry without judging myself about that too! Blah!
0 -
Runor. We hear you. Vent away. That's what this place is for.
Don't be so hard on yourself. You're entitled to get p...ed off with people. I get what you say about your friend not being there for you. Sadly a lot of people are too busy being selfish to reach out - it's just a fact, I'm sorry to say.
Your poor husband sounds like he's off on another planet. I'm sure he doesn't mean to be dismissive, it just sounds that way when we are feeling that the whole world has f.....ed us over. And I know that feeling.
Being angry is healthy, you know. It's bottling it up that can hurt.
Wishing you all the best and sending a cyber hug your way.......
0
