patty
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My mother passed away from soft tissue sarcoma when I was in high school back in 1976. There were no hospice facilities here at that time. My father and a trusted friend finally took her to the hospital on Friday afternoon. MOM DID NOT WANT TO GO! They had to pry her hands off the door frame leading outside to the car.
My dad said we should all go and see her the following Saturday night. I declined. She looked like a monstrous ghoul by that time as the cancer had ravaged her so much. (Eldest brother said she looked EVEN WORSE in the hospital, and he still has nightmares.)
The important thing is that IT WAS MY CHOICE not to go. And I stand by that choice...I wanted to remember my mother the way she was, not gaunt w/her eyes sunken into her skull, gasping for breath with tubes coming out of her every where. Mercifully, God took Mom home at about 3:00 am on Sunday morning, so she actually went pretty fast by the time she entered the hospital.
Patty's boys should be able to MAKE THEIR OWN CHOICE in my humble opinion. They aren't little kids anymore. My mom stopped eating weeks before she went. It was too painful for her body to process food, she said. VSED and VROFF (Voluntary Stopping Eating and Drinking // and Voluntary Refusal of Food and Fluids) weren't around yet, but Mom's body knew what to do.
If Patty is still eating blueberry donuts, she has a LOOOOONG way to go, and probably doesn't look that bad yet. But, once again, the decision is entirely Patty's to make, not ours.
L
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We are making assumptions without knowing all the facts and imposing our own feelings into her life. As much as we love Patty and consider her our sister, we are outsiders in her family. We don't know why she made the decisions. Perhaps the boys will visit her later when it is time to say good-by. Whatever the plans are, and the reasons for them, we have no right to judge Patty for something that I am sure she put a lot of thought into. Patty is doing what she feels is best. We need to respect that.
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Forgive me, if it "sounded" like I was judging her. That was not my intention at all.
From my last post, "But, once again, the decision is entirely Patty's to make, not ours."
I agree, we don't know her situation entirely, and she no doubt has valid reasons for not wanting them there at the hospice facility. Looking at it from HER perspective, it might just be too painful FOR HER to have them there. Once again, I'm not making judgments.
I've decided that I won't be posting on this thread anymore. I will READ others' posts, but I'm not going to put in my proverbial two cents in anymore if it creates controversy and discord.
My love to you all, and keeping Patty in prayer,
L
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Lita, Please do not stop posting here. I know that you are important to Patty, and she really cares about you. Your posts are always informative, kind, and heartfelt. You would be deeply missed if you stopped sharing your thoughts here. I was not directing my comments to you personally. I had read your comment that it was Patty's decision, so I knew you weren't judging her. If my words were too harsh, I apologize to you and everyone else here. I did not meant to come across that way. I just know it would be a difficult decision for anyone to make. Please accept my apologies and continue to post. You should know that you are loved here.
To anyone else who was offended by my earlier comments, I apologize. I am not known to be a mean person, but I must have crossed a line. On this thread above all, there is no room for friction among us. I will delete my posts.
Lynne
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I've sat with many a dying relative, the latest was on the 3rd of this month.
I held my grandmother's hand until I fell asleep, then she sneaked away.
I've volunteered as a massage therapist and general company for our local hospice non-profit since 2004.
Through all of that, everyone's wishes were so different. The patient, the family, the friend. They all want what they think is best for the other person. It's a level of love that is incredible, but also with many regrets, as most folks don't communicate with each other about all of this. I see it almost every time. And you have to respect whatever each wants to do, but mostly, what the patient wants.
I encourage everyone, not just those getting close, to open that dialog with all of your loved ones.
Our western culture shuns aging, illness, and death to a very unhealthy degree. Until we start having honest, open, and loving conversations about all of these things, the majority of people within any situation will be hurt in some way.
Patty loves her kids so much, she doesn't want them to witness her pain. We can respect and honor that love, and still feel sad for her boys. I don't think judgement is there, just a lot of love for Patty and her boys that she cherishes so much.
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My friend's mom passed when my friend was 14. Her mom was in the hospital for about 2 weeks and her dad felt that my friend and her sister were "better off" not seeing their mother. So they never saw her and never got to say goodbye or spend some much-needed time with her before she died. It created a huge void in my friend's life and she never forgave her father fro refusing to let them see their mom.
On the flip side, I'm sure it would be very difficult for Patty to have to see her beloved sons, knowing that she is going to be leaving them soon. It's just a tough call either wayand she's doing what she thinks is best for them.
Sleep well, dear Patty. Hootie hoo!!
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Patty's boys have been living between the homes since the divorce. DXH has been doing a lot more of the parenting duties as Patty has become sicker: meals, laundry, sports, whatever. Older boy has a license, not sure about a car, so he could visit Patty if he wanted and Patty allowed.
It could be that DXH was choked up over many things. Patty's bio originally read "married to the love of my life." We don't know what happened there, but stupid cancer probably had a big part in that. I think there's still a lot of love between them. DXH could be thinking of the what if's, and the maybe's, and the never again's.
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Lita, you make valuable contributions to this thread. I would hate to see you go.
Interestingly, between your two most recent posts, you sum up both sides of the argument:
1. IT WAS MY CHOICE not to go. And I stand by that choice.
2. Patty's boys should be able to MAKE THEIR OWN CHOICE in my humble opinion.
3. But, once again, the decision is entirely Patty's to make, not ours.
4. Looking at it from HER perspective, it might just be too painful FOR HER to have them there.
=======================================================================As I said before, there are no easy answers.
Madelyn
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Dear Patty,
I hope you are resting peacefully. I am happy to hear you were up for breakfast eating blueberry donuts! Here is a beautiful song of faith for you, for you belong to the Lord, and He belongs to you. It's by Hillsong, called Oceans (where feet may fail). Dear sweet Patty, I pray you give your sons a chance to say goodbye.
Much love to you. 🌹💞🙏
Janet
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Patty~ I am here to kiss you on the forehead and say good morning sweet sister. Pass me a muffin! Love you ~M~
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good night patty. Love you honey. ❤️🌷 ~M~
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Morning Patty! You are always in my prayers! Love ya!
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I hope you are enjoying blueberry donuts this morning. I stopped at Dunkin Donuts yesterday and thought of you. Rest well my friend. Lifting you up in prayers for comfort and peace.
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I hope you are enjoying blueberry donuts this morning. I stopped at Dunkin Donuts yesterday and thought of you. Rest well my friend. Lifting you up in prayers for comfort and peace.
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good morning sweetheart! Loving you from across the miles. ~M~
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Patty~ my sweet, today is my daughters wedding reception. I have you on my mind. I’ll be thinking of you and raising a glass to you and your strength as a mother and friend and woman. I love you even though we have never met. I care deeply. We will be honoring you today! Much love ~M~
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Dear Patty... I'm so thankful that you are not in pain. I feel like I know you after reading all of these posts. You are such a beautiful person.
We love you very much and are holding you hand as we are all bc sisters...
Raising my chocolate donut with sprinkles to you!!!
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Okay..i need to find me a donut..now. I love you Patty. Squeeze every last second of joy from your life.
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Thinking of you, Patty.
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Thinking of you Patty and sending much love. May you be comfortable and surrounded by loved ones
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Miss Peppermint.... I found us all some Blueberry donuts! Now we can enjoy them with you... Just thinking of you.... Hugs and kisses.... chevy
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Oooh Chevy - now I am drooling for one of those!!!
Patty - hope you had more blueberry donuts this morning.
Sending you prayers, love, and gentle hugs.
An
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Good morning from the rainy NC. My blueberries and cottage cheese are as close as I will get to a blueberry don it today! Rest well today my friend. Thinking of you always!
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Good Morning Sweet Patty. I’m here for my morning visit. Giving you much love and hugs. ~M~
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Just dropping by to say Good Afternoon!
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Good afternoon, Patty. Hope you are resting comfortably!
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Patty, thinking of you this afternoon. Praying you are resting well and have a deep sense of calm and peacefulness today. Sending much love 💕
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Rest easy Patty knowing u r loved.
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Praying for Patty
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Ohio sends love and good thoughts to you Patty! We had a brilliant weather weekend and I got a swim in with my son yesterday, went to our first fall festival today...pumpkins, mums....so lovely. Who would have known a rotten nights sleep in between (I had to take a whole 12mg ambien and an attivan to stop the terrible thoughts about myself, my health and my aging mother) would have given way to a really nice day. I hope you have many more good days, good moments, or are able to reflect on with a smile - so many you have found throughout your life and given to your sons. Too many to count I hope! God bless you!
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I seem to remember that Patty posted somewhere that she had the very painful experience of seeing each of her parents die from cancer when she was still young. Her life experiences form a part of her feelings about visitors. In emotional decisions that affect others, which can come up for any of us, it can be very hard to know what is right or wrong and all we can do is make our best decision based on the information available to us at that moment. I feel confident that dear Patty's DS's are likely to have some conduit for contact with their Mum especially as their Dad is visiting regularly and can carry messages or notes, or read texts out to Patty, or facilitate phone calls as Madelyn discovered.
Thank you for the good news of Patty's donuts
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