My Husband, My Life, My Love, My Family, My Cancer
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I could not stay away long, will put my brave person pants on and deal with loss as I did with both my Mom and younger brother. I need to post and read about you all and how you are doing.
I am having Herceptin today and the sidewalks are ice. I will wear cleats out, even just to get to the UBER car and swap shoes while there. This is not the weather to take chances in. I also decided to premake and ice melt at home, boiled water, added dishsoap and rubbing alcohol along with some of the salt to melt it down some, planning to come back along later as well. Going to add salt on top of what I poured out as well to avoid new ice forming. Really do hate the property managers leaving the steps to us and nobody else in my building is willing to help. Oh well, I won't need to be anywhere else til the middle of march. Hopefullly by then, most of this will have melted. My DB is in Naples so if I fall, I have no emergency person to contact. May do some walking around the hospital, who knows. Planning rice and blackbeans with cheese, wheat bran, little butter, microwave, add steak and garlic seasoning with a little salt and some mayo to bind. Should taste good I think.
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There she is….. 😁 I knew you could not stay away long. I missed my buddy. My morning wake up poster. Who I enjoy and care a great deal about. Good to see your name Mara. Hugs.
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Thank you Mel. I am glad to see you too. UBER was good, driver helped me out of the car which was nice. I am still afraid to fall, even with cleats on. Need to try and get rid of the fear of falling. When I get home, might melt more snow and shovel it away.
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I was able to order a box of organic veg for the week which is great and all but its expensive and kinda hard to do anything with a single pepper and a mini head of lettuce. The cauliflower, carrots, and potatoes are going into a samosa pie, leeks into lentil soup. Ive learned this organic stuff needs to be cooked ASAP otherwise it goes too soft. We stopped at the grocery store after my PT tonight to get the puff pastry for the pie and oh my god - no butter, no shredded cheese, no ice cream. And I dont mean like one or two things left, Im talking the entire shelving unit is wiped out for 15 feet. At 530 pm. They did have some zucchini so I nabbed that and partner said the veg section looked better than a few days ago.
Hip is doing better but this is such a haul. Still effectively housebound for a few more weeks while building strength - no way do I want to wreck this progress now. I guess it was three years of bad biomechanics all stored up that went to pot at the same time. Oh well - monthly MO visit on Monday which ought to be interesting.
Glad to see everyone checking in - Sadies (Pat), I read that as a Kielbasa infection at first. I hope you can get some anti-Bs to make you feel better soon and get that sorted!
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sondra: Holy Hell!! Worse even than the early days of the pandemic when everyone thought if they were forced to stay home they may as well make bread. No flour. No yeast. I don't know when they realized how much work making bread without a bread machine is. Flour all over the place, arms aching, forehead sweating.
I think I would buy every veg I could lay my hands on, they would all go into my Instant Pot and I would make a huge vat of a "mystery" soup. Then I would freeze the soup in containers to be heated up later. It might be days of the same thing, improved only by a fresh carrot I might be lucky enough to score. It is actually scary to see empty shelves. We take so much for granted.
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Mara - so glad to see you back! Your posts bring a certain normalcy to life as you share food creations and stories of the less than adequate management of your building. And being fearful of falling is a good thing…..it means you are very aware of walking conditions and do all you can to prevent a fall.
So the Ortho oncologist, after discussing things with another radiologist, decided he wants a bone biopsy of my left shoulder. I’m waiting for interventional radiology to set up the appointment.
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Pat, I am hoping you feel better now.
Sondra and Elderberry, I have never noticed shortages before or after the pandemic save for the disinfectant. We were having shortages of cough medicine this year but that seems to be resolving.
Not much to report here, extra fatigue from Herceptin but that will go away. Doing some short marches of 300 to 500 steps, hoping for 6000 to 10000 steps. Having to do shorter workouts to fit in surveys, mobile games. My favourite way to earn a bit of money is watching a cute dog channel, I get paid when the ads play and a cooking channel on the laptop, paid for ads. These help minimize grocery budget.
Edited to add. I had a serving size of steel cut oats, 1/3 cup oats and 3/4 cup water as per instructions. Got very full and could only eat half, oatmeal only with steak and other savoury spices. Decided to eat again, put 1/4 cup beans, leftover oatmeal and shrdded cheese in the frypan, heated until cheese was melted, added a bit of wheat bran and loaded fries seasoning along with 3 cheese pasta seasoning and bound up with small bit of mayo. It was delicious. My thought going forward will be to adjust sizing and experiment with dessert versions of this. Very filling as well.
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Good morning room
Welcome back Mara you were missed terribly. KBL I know you had a great visit. I was able to meet with Laurie twice before she moved. We talked for hours each time. Our lives had so much in common not just cancer. I think that was the wonderful blessing that we each identified. Thanks for sharing your visit.
The grandkids cat had kittens last night. I have to take her to get fixed as soon as she’s healed enough. Everyone’s excited though and you could barely get them to go to to school this morning.
Tany
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Tanya, I’m sorry you only got to meet twice. Our visit was 2.5 hours. I wish it had been longer, but we each had two hours back, and my pup was alone for seven hours. No accidents, thankfully.
Congrats on the kittens. Lots of work ahead.
Mara, so happy to see you posting again.
Goldensarebest, in your pocket for your biopsy.Hugs to all
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Hi All,
Well, I’m not sure if the antibiotics are making me feel better. I need to drink a ton of water with them which makes me feel sloshy! I’m terrible about drinking water normally but have had to watch hydration because of the nephrostomy tubes.
Just back from having my first tube swap. They have to do it every six weeks to avoid having them clog with urine crystals. The procedure wasn’t bad but I have a terrible back ache, particularly on my right side. Not sure if it’s from the procedure or laying on my stomach for so long. Hopefully pain meds will resolve things.
Sadie’s at the groomers today. Looking forward to a clean dog with less fuzzy feet! It’s brutal this time of year as she drags home dirt with all that hair. She’s less impressed about the idea - tried to make a break for it. 😁
Waving hello from the wet coast!
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Hi everyone, good to have you back Mara, we've finally settled on the gem carbo combination, I start next Tuesday, I hope this helps, Sanju did send off a sample for genetic testing but that wont be back for another 5 weeks. I'm still waiting for the results of the mri on my brain, Sanju didn't have it when i saw her yesterday so she is going to call me as soon as she gets it. I may call the radiation clinic and find out if they've actually sent it, I. really need my license back. Sadieservant i hope you get on top of that infection quickly and goldens i hope they can sort out your shoulder pain. To everyone else who is struggling I'm in your pockets giving you strength and love.
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KittyKat I hope it helps also. In your pocket for Tuesday. I agree, it's good to have Mara back and I am also sending healing wishes to everyone here.
Not much going on, it's been kind of a lazy day for me. Just getting sheets washed and I made some rice and a rice mix with ground beef I had in the freezer. Rice has been a staple of my diet with my stomach issues lately and fortunately it's fairly cheap and easy to mix in with other things for a fast meal. Aside from stomach sensitivity I have felt reasonably good lately. Got a break in the rain/snow and enjoyed some sunshine today so I'm making a mental list of what needs to be done in the yard. I have ignored it most of the winter and already some weeds are popping up and I need to trim the hedges. It feels a little daunting right now but I will be more motivated when the weather warms up and the sun stays out more consistently. Anyway, I'm just rambling on. I hope everyone is well and finding something to smile about today.
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mara, I'm so glad to see your posts again. I know it was only a few days, but we really did miss you.
After appointments 4 days this week, I'm ready for a break. CT and bone scan essentially stable. Pulmonologist happy with how my lungs look. Got my eyes checked so that I can renew my Driver License. Had a brain MRI this morning. No signs of mets there, with a couple of areas of something I can't remember. There is "something" on C2 so my MO wants me to see an ortho and a neurologist. Don't know if the the ortho is the onco ortho I saw before. I liked her, so hopefully I can see her, or at least have her review the MRI.
I will see my MO on Monday and then get my infusion. Some days I'm so over cancer. Can I just be done with this?
Blog is published. Now working on a couple of ideas for future posts.
DH made reservations for us at the Ahwahnee Hotel in Yosemite for later this month. Yosemite is closed due to all the snow. Bummer. Maybe we'll still get to go.
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Thank you everyone, I am glad to be back. I am adjusting to the passing of those we miss but I need this connection very much and I really do care a lot about you guys.
Tanya, don't blame the kids being excited about new kittens, I love my two kitties as well.
Kitty, glad you found a treatment, in your pocket in case you need me.
We got a good dumping of snow and I do not think we are done yet. We were warned about this. Strategizing the best shovelling for myself and the driveway and whether to melt some of the snow with the hot water, bit of rock salt, alcohol and dishsoap mixture and then dump some salt. I must take garbage out as it was too snowy so it has been 4 weeks of storing it in a rubbermaid tote. Need to take it out. I am no longer expecting anything from property people, not going to complain to the city, housing prices are too high, no need to put a target on my head. It would be good exercise as well. The bonus of any sun being out is that even if it is below zero, the warmth is felt and still melts the snow and ice. It would be nice if neighbours helped but they do not feel compelled to do that either so anything I want done, within reason will be done by me and for my own convenience. I will not miss winter when it is over.
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sunshine99 , I get the feeling of being overwhelmed by medical appointments. It's a scary merry-go-around but they wont let you off
It sounds as if you should be celebrating being a stable mabel. Best wishes for Monday.0 -
scans are coming up for me in mid April. Sooo soon I’ll be on the stress train tunnel !!!!
Love to all!
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Mel and Sunshine, will be in your pockets for scans. I already had my CT scan Feb 1st. After the MO appointment. No one called with results so I call them NED still as I know they would have called or had me come in again. I have my MRI on Mar 17th but glad it is in the afternoon.
Did not really sleep last night, wound up dozing on the couch but not feeling too bad, could not be bothered going to bed at 5.00 am. Does not bother me too much. Not feeling like anything fancy for breakfast but saved enough from surveys to treat myself to an egg mcmuffin meal delivery.
I also decided to hold off on snow removal, have not noticed if the front step was done but the driveway and back stairs were cleared and sand added. If there is a bit for me to mitigate taking out trash, I'll do that. It is sunny right now so melting is happening. I can check later today. Part of me would not mind buying some small jugs of the ice melter that I could more freely use that would also be safe on the grass. We have rock salt but I cannot manage much at once. We will see.
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I have been reading along and while meaning to write, some days just go by without my accomplishing much. Still dealing with cough from the miserable cold. I did go out on Wednesday looking for a "mother of the bride " dress as my daughter is getting married in July. They are planning a Great Gatsby themed wedding with black, gold, feathers and pearls etc. I did order a dress online but that definitely wasn't the dress for me. Anyways I did get a dress on Wednesday. It's black with ruffles cascading down , fits good and comfortable. Sort of from that era .
The other thing we are working on is getting a rescue dog. Her name is Annabelle and through the Texas Rags to Riches rescue foundation they save dogs from kill shelters and work tirelessly to find homes including bringing them to the Maritimes in Canada. I know of a friend who received her dog through the organization and if all goes well we will have Annabelle at the beginning of April.
So in closing:
Mae- I hope the fires are now out.
Goldens- may they find some relief for your shoulder pain. I have mets in my shoulder and although I'm not in pain it cracks all the time making me think it's going to slip out
Candy- I'm glad you got out to church!
Kittykat- hopefully you are starting chemo soon and the MRI will show negative results
Sadieservant- you are dealing with a lot of issues and just know I am in your pocket with you
Mara- I know it is hard to stay away from this living room for long. Don't head out today because I know you got a load of snow last night. Be careful.
There is so many I missed but I'm in your pockets for the good news and the struggles we face on a daily basis. Have a peaceful weekend!
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Pocket duty for those with scans coming. I am getting my Port removal surgery/procedure this upcoming Wednesday.
I need to vent, to voice my thoughts...
I saw an old friend on Facebook. Years ago we were best friends. I have not spoken to her in 3-4 years. I sent her a message. She called me this morning. We got caught up with our lives and ended the conversation with we are going to try to get together this Spring-- maybe a picnic at our local park. During the conversation she asked what I am doing with myself now. She is 5 years older than me (me 52, her 57), she is married, her only son is married and has his own family. She works still, her husband works. They have a menagerie of animals-- horses, cats, dogs, etc that she takes care of. She loves to horseback ride. I hem hawed about how I spend my days. I did not go into "I had 2 PT sessions this week for my hip" or " I am getting my Port out next week". Mostly I have medical stuff. I don't work. I read for my hobby. I mentioned I have a limited income to be able to afford to do some hobbies. I felt so lame.
I thought that as a person gets older they tend to not compare themselves as much, or care what others think so much. I seem to have gotten MORE comparing, not less. I talk with friends and then I compare them with me. Why am I like that?
She said "I sounded good". I guess she meant not a weak voice, but strong. And I kept up with the conversation. She could not see me on the phone so she didn't say I looked good, but that I sounded good.
I do not like the person I have become. I want my old life back-- money, health, friends, activities.
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Hugs to you Candy. I get it. I'm not sure we ever stop comparing ourselves. It seems to be a part of human nature unless we consciously fight it. I have to catch myself on that too. The bummer about this disease is that it does rob us of so much. I'm struggling right there with you. Since diagnosis I have seen my life put on pause it seems while my coworkers have chased career goals and go do crazy/fun things. I'm jealous of that. Right now I'm having some memory issues and it affects my work. When I stumble on my words or can't remember things I feel stupid and incompetent. It's really ratcheted up my anxiety. Not sure what I'm going to do about it. People do tend to ask how I'm doing a lot and I try to focus on the normal daily things I do. It does feel weird to talk about nothing but medical appointments and such, I agree. I mention things like going to the gym and getting out to walk more when the weather is good. I wish I had more to encourage you with. I hate cancer with everything in me. It takes beautiful people from us too soon and robs us of so much in life. My coping methods are prayer and continuing to go to the gym or get out and walk. Those are things from my old life I refuse to let cancer take. I also let myself be sad and cry and be angry and grieve the things I've lost. It's just the only way I know how to give my mind and my spirit room to move forward. Anyway, I don't mean to ramble on, just know I'm here rooting for you, and all of us in Mel's living room.
It's snowing again. The snow is weird here. We're in a valley at 1300' elevation so it does snow but rarely sticks. I think the passes and higher mountains are getting a few feet. I was going to try and work on the yard but I think today is looking like a stay inside and watch a movie kind of Saturday. Waving hello to you all.
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Just wanted to say "hello" this morning to my pals here. It just feels gloomy, but I'm glad mel's living room is warm and cozy for us. Not much to add. I just washed some dishes, so that feels good. MO has referred me to both an ortho doc (not the onco ortho) and a neuro doc due to "something" at my C2 spine. I may wait until I see her (MO) on Monday. Sigh... I wouldn't mind a big old glass of wine, but I cut that out last month.
I did have a great "porch visit" with a friend yesterday. She was part of my knitting group and we've stayed in touch. She's an awesome knitter. Way above my pay grade. But hey, we all need basic scarves and dishcloths, right?
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emac- Thanks for understanding. When she asked me what I do with my days, I told her I get up early (5:30-6am, I always have been an early riser). I don't want her or anyone thinking I sleep all day, or that I am "lazy". I told her that the days go pretty quickly with the usual housework, caring for my cat, groceries and bill paying, etc etc. Just the everyday life. But, I don't work or go out with friends to ballgames or horseback riding (like she does). I don't have children or grandkids to occupy me. And I felt like I am boring or that my days are being frittered away. I didn't want to tell her of all my doctor appointments, or that I have a Zoom cancer support group that meets weekly, or that I post on here with my MBC friends. If I would say that, hey, I went for a walk this week or did an exercise video that would sound lame to her.
I am going to mention this to my councilor I see this week. But her advice seems to be "make a gratitude list" or "practice mindfulness". I am grateful for what I have. I will list things aloud (I live alone so I will talk to myself aloud). But that doesn't help me feel less jealous or envious. I am looking for peace. Acceptance. Contentment with what we cannot change. I want to be happy for others when they tell me of their lives, but then feel ok with my life. Will I ever get to that point???????
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Candy, as someone who lives alone and is a total homebody, I can appreciate thinking that others might think my life is boring. My DB and his family are all busy and social people. I get out once in a while with friends but mostly like being home. Most I do is march in the house with all the snow, once it clears up, planning to train for walking to the mall again, only 7 miles round trip but not doing that until we have clear sidewalks. Might be easier with my cane, who knows.
I was shocked after I dressed, preparing to melt some snow but the managers plowed the driveway and actually sanded the steps. One delivery guy complained our sidewalks along the street were not done but I told him that being on the end of a side street with another side street means we are not the priority. It has been sunny so a lot of melting. Decided as well that I can make my own ice melter with baking soda, table salt and cat litter would allow me to more efficiently melt things as needed. Other than that, quite lazy today.
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The 10 day forecast is 65-75 degrees all week and I am so ready for it! Spring is coming, yay. I planted some of the garden and started a few seeds indoors with lettuces delayed for a few weeks. I had to buy some new spring/summer clothes too, between the lack of appetite and puking from Enhertu, I’ve lost about 30 lbs.
Not much else to report, pups are good and looks like we’ll be getting back to working on the cabin, this seems to be the end of lazy days, I like being busy though.
Hello to all
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Candy,
You raise some good questions. In the first few years of my diagnosis, I felt like you may be feeling. I felt like some people were dismissive of me because I no longer had a job and they assumed my life was boring. I think your therapist is onto something with the gratitude lists. I try to express my gratitude every day through prayer. Seeing our sisters pass away, I am grateful for every day that I can get up and have very little pain. I've come to be happy and excited about my life. Since I feel happy about my life, I notice that others are not so dismissive. It's a bit in the way you frame things. I no longer pastor a church, people might ask-do you have a church? Now I say no but I am blessed to preach almost every Sunday as a visiting pastor. I honestly do find it a blessing and am grateful that I don't have all the headaches that come with being responsible for a congregation. I am starting a new part-time job soon-it only pays minimum wage with no benefits but I am excited about it. It will be very flexible and in a fun environment and I find that people are excited for me. Before cancer I would have been embarrassed to take such a job-now I am looking forward to trying it. Perhaps when you are sharing with people, you can talk with enthusiasm over some of the good books you have been able to read or the research you are doing. I find being vulnerable about my medical condition without being self-pitying provides a bridge of connection. Almost everyone is dealing with something difficult. When we acknowledge our difficulties, it helps them to also open up. I appreciate you sharing your feelings. It sounds like you are getting out a bit more and I hope that has been good for you.
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So good to log in and see all the posts, seriously grateful for everyone here, sharing your thoughts and feelings.
People keep asking me, "is it getting easier?" being a widow, and I assure them that it is not. Yes, I am grateful that I was able to take care of my sweetheart until his last breath, so it's true I no longer carry the anxiety I had when I was first diagnosed with MBC, and my daily prayer to please not let me die before him...but "easier"?! Uh, no. Yes, I can laugh at things. Yes, I am taking care of our home and bills and the estate, etc. But every day I question, at least once, what my purpose is anymore.
A good friend recently said, your purpose is to just be. I like that. I don't have to justify my existence by anyone else's measures of what I'm doing, or accomplishing, or how sad someone thinks I ought to be or not be. It's hard not to buy into all that, but for now I just want to be.
Now I'm going to eat nutella straight from the jar with a spoon, and watch The Hunt For Red October again. 😄
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It's a mixed bag with this disease isn't it. I really thought about what Candy said because I can identify with that in a lot of ways and I share the same struggles at times. I can agree with the idea of having a gratitude journal and being grateful but I also think you can be grateful and still have sadness and grieve loss too. One doesn't negate the other. Having MBC has brought experiences that I wouldn't otherwise have had, not all were pleasant but some were. I would never have found this group of people and felt connected here they way I do. I am grateful for that part. At the same time I know I'm changed from the person I was and I'm sad about that. I grieve parts of that old life and confidence. I grieve my hair too, LOL. That seems shallow but it's a thing for sure.
I ended up watching the movie Erin Brockovich on TV and enjoying not feeling pressured to get anything done. I had done my grocery shopping and major cleaning the day before. It was a nice lazy day.
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I just came back from a cruise and I am so sad to hear about Booboo. RIP Laurie. I am so glad she was surrounded by her loving and supportive family. I i know that had to have made her last days better.
I am nine pages behind, but I'll try catching up with everyone.
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I love reading all of these insightful honest posts on MBC emotions. Everyone is full of such wisdom and heart warming advice. Yes Candy I have felt many of the same feelings you have about self worth in our "new" lives. Many of days I feel like I have a boring life and not as much to offer in the conversation as I used to. I try to remind myself that among all this muck we drudge through daily we have been given a gift also. We all have the gift of seeing how fragile life is and to try to live each day the best we can .Many people are running the rat race and not stopping to enjoy each day! I try to find something positive in each day, even the smallest thing helps me to be present. Candy it's ok to grieve your old life, we all do. Look at this as the next chapter in your life with blank pages that you can fill any way you want. I have a quote I have hanging on my desk "embrace the stink" and I try to embrace this stink daily! It's my life and the only one I have right now. Hugs.
Thoughts to all grieving losses, struggling with daily pain, scanxiety and upcoming biopsies. Big hugs to all.
Andrea
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Chicagoan- I am happy for you being able to guest speak at various churches, without the headaches of Pastoring one specific church. And the part time job sounds like a good thing for you. You sound excited about that new chapter.
I DO do a gratitude list. A warm house, food in the fridge, clean sheets on a comfortable bed, bills paid, some money in the bank, a cat for my best friend, a good book to read, sunshine, fresh air from windows open, cancer stable for the time being, my "virtual" friends, my "real" friends, my Faith in God, my Salvation.
I am grateful. But... I am also grieving my old life. Like emac said, I think it can be both. And I am still struggling with jealousy of others and their lives, and grief of missing my old life. And I am still looking for peace. For acceptance of what is. To be happy for others and their good news. And to be content with waking up another day to a quiet house, my cat, the sunshine, and a good book to read. And to not feel "less than" for not burning up the world, going to work, going on trips/vacations, etc etc. To find happiness with my quiet, alone, boring existence.
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