My Husband, My Life, My Love, My Family, My Cancer
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thank you ladies for supporting Gracie and I through our darkness weeks. Blueshine thank you honey. Those are some Truthful words. I laid in bed and cried today filled with worry about something I can not control. I am so sick of feeling weak and helpless. I am sick of worrying about every relationship I have breaking down and I can't do anything about it. I feel like I'm looking down at someone else living someone else's life. The sorrow sometimes. There is no where to go with it. ~M~
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Good morning ladies
Gracie and Micmel I hope the sun finds you today.
Hugs to all.
Tanya
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thank you Tanya~. Sunshine always makes things seem a little better. I just don't do well with scanning at all. Not that anyone really does. I am just really filled with anxiety and it rises and rises inside of me until it's like a geyser that has no place left to be controlled! Then I explode! This just royally sucks. Living with cancer isn't living with cancer. It's living in torture knowing you have cancer. You can't do a damn thing about it. Except go onto the conveyor belt with everyone else. Passing the deer eyed frightening look in every eye. It's an unspoken fear and internal pain and struggle. Day after day after day. How does One not loose their mental prowess? I hope everyone's doing well! Much love ~M~
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M - I know the feeling. My onc said no scans until August my last one was in Feb so now I’m freaking out from not having a scan for 6 months. And always the wide frightened feeling like a highway through my soul. It’s traffic jamming all night with weird wild thoughts. But during the day I just breathe.
Tanya
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Thank you to everyone for your concern and love and advice. This is all going to hinge on what the next scans show. I’ve developed a large lump on the front of my right ribs, mastectomy side. It’s big enough to be seen. I’ve had a few conversations with both of my kids and they are both going to accept whatever decision I make. My son is getting family leave paperwork filled out so he can be available more often to go to Wichita with me. I’ve got two girlfriends who have said they would help with rides and am having lunch with two others on Friday that have both offered to help. My onc said no palliative care but my son said today he’s going to insist that they get me some kind of help. I think having a complete meltdown made them look at this situation differently (the kids). I think they both thought that mom is just doing great, because I don’t really talk to them much about it, because I didn’t want to put any added pressure on them. So we’ll see what the scans show and then make some decisions. I know that if I went off of chemo that I’m looking at a horrible time and probably just a lot of pain and all that. I kind of have an idea what’s coming at me, having cared for my mother who had ovarian cancer that spread all over her abdomen. It’s not a pretty thing or a fun thing to think about, but if it comes to that I’m going to insist that they give me heavy duty drugs. If I have to, I’ll go to M.D. Anderson in Houston to get a second opinion. Anyway just wanted to come in and say thank you to every single one of you that answered in anyway, it may not seem like much to you but just having other people give me their thoughts helps me clarify my own. I love you girls, you are just the best!!!
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Gracie, if you end up coming to Houston, I can meet you for lunch or help out if you need a ride or whatever, just let me know.
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I love all you ladies~~~ wonderful bunch of women here. And Gracie, you're not alone in having the thoughts to go off treatment depending on what scans say. The part of pain with treatment and extremely painful to go without as you just pointed out. Heavy medicine sounds like a plan at some point , I just hate the worrying, if I didn't have that feeling. I may be able to just get through. The word scan sends me overboard. Just nice to see the support and love, you ladies amaze me. Much love to all ~M~
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Gracie you and your family will be in my prayers. Let's just hope that the lump is not cancer. You are a very brave woman; I don't know if I will ever be able to make that decision.
Micmel- your scans are on the 14th and mine are on the 16th. It can't get here fast enough. I will be thinking of you on the 14th and praying that the scans are clear (weren't you NED when you went off Ibrance to get your surgery? Did I remember that correctly?) If so then I will pray that you are still NED and that you are one of the miracle cases.
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Gracie, I like you when I was 21 years old took care for my mom, who had bc and went to the bones. Back than there was not a single hormon medication, only chemo. I know the horror. I am thinking similar like you, when the time comes. Maybe is not the time for you, this bump could be something els. I'll be praying for you!
MicMel, we all together and this is nice. My scan is on May 15.
Holmes, MicMel prayers for good results! God be with us!
Sending love to all ladies. Elena
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Gracie-I am praying for you and your family. I hope your results are good. Hugs!
holmes-I also have scans on the 14th like Micmel. I guess it's scan week for a lot of us! I hope we all get good results! I always get a copy of the scans and reports the day of the scans, or the next day. I want to know what to ask the oncologist (who I see on Fri after the scan) ahead of time. No surprises for me.
Tanya-I wonder why your oncologist is making you wait 6 months for scans. You could ask them to do it at 3 months. I don't think I'd want to wait 6 months either.
Hugs and prayers to all!
Lynne
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Hi everyone. I hope you have all had weather as good as what we have had here in NH. It has been beautiful. I went out and pulled some weeds this morning. They will probably all be back tomorrow!
Gracie, I hope that your results are better than you fear they will be. You remain in my prayers.
MJH, I sent you a PM. I wasn't sure if you receive an auto-email when you receive a PM.
There are so many of you having scans soon. I do hope that everyone receives good news.
Blueshine, it is good to "see" you. It has been awhile since you checked in with us.
Nothing new to report. I am waiting for the results of my latest TM blood test.
Have a good night.
Hugs and prayers from, Lynne
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Good night ladies. Much love to all ~M~ Hope everyone is well. Thinking of you all!
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Good morning, today’s the day!
Bags packed ✔️
Nautical attire on ✔️
No worries about me neglecting this thread, I’ll probably be posting an obscene amount of pics 😀
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Hi to all beautiful ladies! I always read this tread. It is emotional and I like it. This is what I am doing
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This is my precious grand baby, who makes me smile every day
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Mae wait for me !!! I am coming too. I don't care where.
Hugs and have fun
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illimae. My bags are packed, too! We leave on Saturday, I forgot where you are going. I'll be in Hawaii for seven days, with my DS, DIL, DGD and DGS. Lots of pics, too.
Meanwhile we went to my GD choir performance, they did a tribute to boy bands. It was really fun and GD had two solos. She sang them perfectly, I give her the best voice award. I am prejudiced, but seriously she was that good. I believe grandchildren can never get enough praise, I make that happen every time I see them.
Then, after it was over, my DD took a incredible picture of DS and GS doing what they do. I'll post it here.
I'm sure I'll check in, but I plan on being too busy and having too much fun. I will still pray for those of you waiting on scan results. 💞
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Bon voyage Mae
Blue shine your grand baby is gorgeous
Have a wonderful day ladies
Tanay
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Blueshine, Your grandson is beautiful. Just look at that face! He made me smile, too.
Mae, Bon Voyage. I can't wait to see your pictures. I never know what to expect. Lol.
Bigbhome, How are you and your DH doing?
Tanya, Have you remained stable on your first line of treatment for almost a year? Maybe your MO feels that scans aren't needed too often because you are doing so well. Are your mets in bones only? My MO scanned less frequently when I had bone-only mets and was stable. He said that he would do a scan sooner if I became symptomatic or my blood tests showed anything suspicious. I plan to be around for a long time and don't enjoy scans or exposure to radiation more often than necessary, so I was okay with that plan. Once the metsspread to my liver, I had scans more frequently. I am hoping that I can go back to every six months soon.
Hugs and prayers from, Lynne
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Grannax, I am so excited for you. I had a favorite spot to sit near the beach. If you want to get away from the activity on the sand but still have a great view of the beach, go to the beach or the walking path in front of it, look back at the Aulani resort buildings and find Amu Amu (restaurant). There are several rows of lounge chairs in front of Amu Amu. My favorite place to sit was the second row from the bottom, the first two chairs on the right as you are looking towards the resort. During the times that we were there, we had shade from the umbrella and/or palm trees most of the day. The sign on the gate says you need to use your resort key to get up there, but that is not true. The gate is only locked at night. One other thing. There are two places to get your towels and bracelets for pool and beach. The one closest to the building is easy to find, but sometimes the line is long in the morning. It moves fairly quickly, but if you get tired of waiting, there is another one past the big pool, to the right, down a few stairs. It usually has a shorter line and has one line exclusively for DVD members. Your DS or DIL will have to show a DVC member card in addition to the room key to use that line. That line was always very short or non-existent when we were there, but I have never been in May, so who knows. I am sure you will have a wonderful time. Don't forget to post pictures. Oh, the shops and restaurants across the street are easy to walk to. Go out the driveway, turn left, cross at the lights, and there you are. Several restaurants and shops there. Aloha!
Hugs and prayers from, Lynne
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Blueshine-THAT BABY! What a cutie pie!
Grannax and Mae- have a totally wonderful time! Grannax, love the gymnasts! Those calves!!!
I have been remiss in posting. My sister left yesterday. Lots of lunching, visiting old haunts, reminiscing etc. Really nice visit. Feeling well and maybe the Xeloda is working? Pain in right side almost non existent now; will see how recently drawn tumor markers look. not sure when I'll be scanning again as Y90 is looming(May22,29).
Looking forward to planting veggies and flowers in our sizable garden. Have started Zinnia and Brandywine tomato seedlings. Here in Maine, we do not plant until end of May to avoid any possibility of frost.
Grandson now participating in baseball, which is a whole lot of fun. He is quite the little slugger! He also has just mastered his unicycle, and is very proud!
To those of you awaiting scans and results or experiencing any discomfort, may the force be with you. Love you all, my MBC sisters.
Mary Jane
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MJH. You are too funny! I love my gymnasts. This sport does create a good physique. Ha My DH passed on some great calves to Ty but gymnastics helped. It looks like those calves got passed on to little Blake, too.
50's girl. I love all this Alani advice. I can just see me reading these directions while I'm walking to your spot. I'll post a pic of it. How did you know I just want to sit in a perfect spot and read? You read my mind. Aloha 💞
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i am loving all the pictures. What talented youth we have on this thread. That beautiful baby Blueshine. I want to grab those precious cheeks. That is some medicine right there for sure. So great to see all the smiles. Mae be safe on your beach outing. Sunscreen my girl!! Glad you're all packed and ready.
Grannax Aloha~ travel safely and May yourwonderful family make many many lasting memories in such a beautiful place. I bet when you're flying in you'll see the volcanic activity above. I hope it's no where near where you're going. We will miss you!!
MJH ~ little slugger huh? I was also quite the slugger with softball. Oh my how things changed so quickly. Time is so fleeting. I'm so happy you find such joy in it. It's what makes life fighting for. Y90 soon. I scan the 17 bloodwork 16. And palliative care 15. All in May. Then my birthday the 25 and I see oncologist 24. Gee what a present huh? I'm in your corner. I know there are a few others that are scanning with us this week. I'm thinking of you all as welll!
Tanya~ Hello darling. Hope all is well with your super graduate with the wonderful smile, is enjoying the fruits of his labor and relief. School is hardwork. Hope youre doing good also!
Waving hello to the Lynne's!! ❣️❣️Hugs to each!
Runor ~ Hi darling. ~Minnie~ hope you're ok darling.
Holmes~ hello friend sending a hug to you too!
Divine~ 😊🍹 hope you're also well.
Bigbhome~💜
I am definitely not myself and I know it. These scans really grab hold of me and send me into a tizzy. I'm trying to stay focused, but its a helpless sense of nothing And fear. Which I am highly sick of! Mae and Grannax have a blast please, look up at the sun and send me a thought, if you can!!? Much love ~M~
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Mae & Grannax-Have a wonderful time on your vacations! I can't wait to see all your pics!
Blueshine-Your grandchild is adorable! Love the babies! Mine are 8 1/2, 7, and 5. No more babies and none on the way. I'm sure there will eventually be more, only one of my 4 kids are married. They do make me smile every time I see them (which thankfully, is often!).
MJH-Glad you had a nice time with your sister! I hope Xeloda works as well for you as it did for me. I was 2 1/2 years on it and did not have much side effects either. Glad your side pain is gone. See you soon!
Yesterday, I washed the inside my bay windows and put the screens back in, repotted half the plants that sit in the bay windows, and the day before, pruned my rose bushes. I don't know where that burst of energy came from during my hell week, but I'll take it! Oh and I did all this in my nightgown! I knew I wasn't going anywhere, so I took a shower, and put another nightgown on. If the neighbors mind, they don't have to look. Today I will get dressed. I'm feeling not too bad this week actually. Still have the side effects, but they don't seem to be as bad this time around.
I got a call from the hospital reminding me of my scans on Monday. Well they said I was going to their office in a town about a half hour from me, instead of the office a mile from me. I called them and apparently the had put my CT scans in the next town, and my bone scan at the closer one (where I have been going every 3 months for the past 6 years). She called radiology at the closer place, and they said I could go there like I always do. Otherwise, I would have my injection for the bone scan, drive a half hour for the CT scans, then go back to the closer one for the bone scan. At least it is still getting done on Monday, I just want to get it over with!
Another beautiful day here. I'll be outside again for sure!
Hoping everyone has a good day!
Lynne
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Related to nothing: When I first came to BC.ORG I looked at lots of threads. It is slowly narrowing down to fewer and fewer but this thread is one that I keep coming back to. I am amazed at how you ladies keep each other straight and know who is who and who is going where and doing what and who hasn't posted in a while. Even after all this time I am still not clear on all that.
What I also find here and, forgive me if this sounds offensive because it sure isn't meant to be, are women who seem to have really figured this cancer shit out. Figured out how to live with a situation that is dire and life threatening. Not life threatening for a little while but life threatening, period. My jaw drops open in awe and admiration of the brilliance, bravery, fortitude and practical reality that so many of you demonstrate. Sometimes it's like a foreign language but I keep coming back and reading, hoping that bit by bit I will understand it. Absorb it. 'Get' it. I am not metastatic. But I fully expect one day I will be. I hope to gird my loins with the intelligence and life choices I see here.
Just this morning I was thinking about all the pressure for pointless positivity and how it can have the opposite effect of making you feel bad that you're feeling bad. That's why sometimes you just have to give yourself permission to unapologetically feel rotten as hell. Have faith that the feeling will pass, just not right now. But I keep coming here because there is something I need to learn, and I find it here, amongst you ladies. I want to express my deep gratitude to Micmel for inviting me and for all of you for tolerating me tagging along. My heroes live here.
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Thank you guys for liking our picture. I can't stop taking pictures of him.
Grannax, your gimnasts are impressive. Happy vacation time! I hope you will be far away from the erupting volcanoes.
MicMel, I cannot believe we have so close birthdays, my is on May 24th.
Wish everybody a wanderful evening. Elena
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50’s girl Lynne my one year mark is June and I haven’t had any pain in the bone Mets places. I had tumors and Mets in abdomen ovaries uterus rib hip spine. I had a hysterectomy and radiation. I’ve had two scans since beginning ibrance. My tumor markers are low. This isn’t my first bout with BC and I’m scared of the sneakiness and dormancy of it all so maybe I will request a scan in June. After that I’ll feel more comfortable waiting 6 months if everything looks stable.thanks everyone for your input.
Grannax your gymnast family is strong and amazing. I’m excited that you are going to Hawaii. I hope you find a peaceful spot following 50’s advisement it sounds like a dream.
Lynne NH nice energy and gardening.
I slept all day yesterday I did too much after my missing the plane and getting home after midnight Saturday and it finally caught up to me. My daughter graduates in Buffalo NY so we’re leaving Tuesday for that graduation. My youngest daughter lives nearby and Bil so we’ll get to see family and two grandchildren.
Hi Runor - glad you can see that we’re all striving to live the best life possible even at stage iv.
Micmel thanks for the pictures of grand puppy a few days ago. Hope you’re feeling ok
Tanya
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micmel. Of course I will pray for you while I'm in Hawaii, one of God's most beautiful creations. I'm not sure what island it's on but it's 200 miles from the volcano. My sweet friend brought some masks for me to wear if the ash gets that far. It's the island that Pearl Harbor is on.
I love this thread, too, runor for the same reasons you love it. I think micmel's brain works really well, I cannot remember all the names and info in posts like she does. Sometimes, I forget what I was doing a few minutes ago. Ha
Blueshine I think your grandbaby is absolutely adorable.
Tanya you missed your plane? That must have been exhausting. But you still get to go on your trip to be with family, that sounds fun.
Lynne. Impressive accomplishment during your random burst of energy. I'm loving that you did all that in your, nightgown. LOL
I plan to send so many pictures, your will get bored with them. Haha 💞
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Runor, funny you should post that as I have long suspected that our micmel keeps a very detailed spreadsheet on what’s going on with us. Additionally, my hubs often comments that if anyone was suited to handle a catastrophic diagnosis, it is me, not sure if that’s true but I feel like I’m making some darn good lemonade 🙂
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