My Husband, My Life, My Love, My Family, My Cancer
Comments
-
Michel, I know it must be difficult to see the rapid decline in your father's health. I think that in time you will cherish the memories of your visits together and find joy in the fact that you reestablished your relationship with him. If you lost him without seeing him, you would have lived with that regret forever. The love you feel for your dad, in spite of the time you spent apart, comes across in the words and thoughts you express here. That love will help you through this difficult time. It is painful to lose a loved one. My only advice is to enjoy every moment you spend with your dad. Do not look back with thoughts of "if only" or "what if".Instead, concentrate on the loving moments you share together now.
Hugs and prayers from, Lynne
0 -
Micmel, forgive me as I do not remember if your father is on hospice care. If he is, most hospices have a book for the family that explains the things that happen as a patient gets weaker. It is comforting to know why such things happen and what to look for. Hospice also provides support for the family as this is a difficult time for all involved. I completely understand why you feel drained and exhausted, please try to take care of yourself.
0 -
But for your dad right now, this may be something that has such meaning~~of course I do not know the estrangement and wicked SIL past either. How does he take it when you visit? I hope that he appreciates it because no matter what, he is your daughter. That lost time comment too got me thinking. I wonder if it is because we know or feel that we have less time and could or want to have done more.
Micmel, I have a DNR taped on a kitchen cabinet too. My GP said to put it up in a prominent place but now I wonder if I should take it down. Hmm, just got up and looked and it is high enough that I doubt my kids have noticed it when here. Do others have theses documents?
Last words tonight Micmel, I get it that you are drained but I have a feeling that he was happy you visited.
Minnie31, where again are you going in Canada? Stable scans YAY!
0 -
I don’t have a DNR and my reason is laughable. Despite having technically “terminal” cancer, I feel like I’m just too young for such things.
0 -
I don’t have a DNR.
No reason just don’t. My husband and my children know my wishes and I have a will.
I have a terminal illness and live with it but don’t think about it every second of everyday. Funniest thing is when my mind forgets and my body reminds it because I can’t do something like get up from sitting on the floor or sitting on the floor.
Micmel your visits with your dad are for the both of you. Cherish this time that was given to you.
Minnie congrats on great scans.
Tanya
0 -
I have been giving alot of thought about how each of us chooses to leave this place, specifically BCO. Upon choosing to enter hospice. I feel so torn where this Is concerned. I respect and understand that people have to do their own thing just to get through. My point is this, this is why I believe it's not fair to do that to the friends you have made here. We have no closure. We in some cases spent years supporting and listening and loving and cheering and suffering right alongside. Then one day nothing ? No answers. Not a day to honor this person that clearly became special to you. Is that really fair to do that to people who genuinely have cared through everything and anything?. I just can't see how it can be consciously fair to come to BCO and gain endless support unconditionally from a group of sisters. Through the good and bad, but then when the time comes to depart we are left with nothing but questions, and sadness, with no way to gain closure or understanding as to when you're finally at peace, and we fear for your suffering as well. To e that isn't right. But that's just me. It's like being left hanging on a limb in the wind wondering if the rainbow above is that person shining down.. to have to guess seems wrong to me. I have already asked my DH to come. And let you all know. At least then. PM's won't go unanswered and questions will not remain. This is a very difficult subject for me right now because I'm living it. You ladies become important wether or not you realize. But it comes down to your individual choices. And we have to respect that l, it doesn't mean it doesn't shatter everything you thought you had built with a sister along the way. Much love to all ~M~
0 -
Illimae,
That is so cute what you did for Minnie (above). You must have some artistic talents....
Lauri
0 -
Micmel,
I totally understand and respect your position. And you are of course right that we don’t or can’t have closure if we don’t know. I am compiling a checklist of things to make it easier on my hubby when I’m gone. I think I’ll add to my list to post here hen I am singing with the angels. Thanks for your perspective on this.
Big hugs,
Laurie
0 -
I have a really nice journal that was given to me awhile back and am trying hard to remember who. It is blank as yet but I plan for it to be my book of death plans. 😊
0 -
I had a mad crush on a boy in 7th grade (I was in 6th), one day I was looking for him and was told he had moved out of state. We weren’t friends, I was just some girl but I couldn’t believe he did that to me, not saying anything when my feelings were very well known. I never forgot that and find it extremely difficult when people just vanish.
0 -
Thank you Mae, great picture x
0 -
I totally agree and thank you Mae for saying in one sentence, what took me to say in a paragraph. You’re a trip and I adore you ! Much love to all! ~M~
0 -
Not related to the current topic but something I feel the need to share, for your input.
I live in a small town. While I obviously do not know everyone, I recognize many of them. Today, in a store, I overheard a conversation between two ladies whom I recognize. One was saying her cancer was back, she was being treated a second time.
I left the store and waited outside for her. When she came out I approached her and said, "Sorry, I overheard you say your cancer is back. Have you found a support group here in town to help you in some way? What are you being treated for?" I am essentially nosy and far too forward for my own good. But we do know each other in that we have seen each other a billion times in the last 27 years.
She said, "I don't need a support group. My friends and family are all I need. I am a very positive person. I know I am going to beat this. I'm just going to do what I have to do."
Me: "Is this your second time with chemo? That has to be tough. It's hard to deal with, isn't it?"
Her: "Oh no. I just show up and get it done. That's all. Then I get on with my life. I have a very positive outlook."
We hugged and as she left I felt a deep sadness. That, right there, was a tightly wound, dangerously fragile ball of terror.
I do not, for one second, believe anyone who gives me that 'positive I am going to win' line. Because in the face of cancer, you have to be profoundly brain damaged to think that Pollyanna outlook is going to buy you one, single favour from the Cancer God. He doesn't care what your outlook, belief or credit card limit is. If he is going to smite you, he is going to smite you! While Pointless Positivity might be a reasonable way to cope with fear, a way to stagger through the day, gritting your teeth and saying, I will be positive even if it fucking kills me...... it is a veneer that you paint over a very rough reality. The reality is that it is SCARY AS HELL when you face your own fragile existence and mortality. Humans are so damn tough, and so damn fragile too.
This lady and I could have had a real exchange had she said, "I'm doing my best but I'm scared as hell and so heartsick at the thought of going through this again." I could have hugged her over some shared Truth. A shared Reality. Instead I got that almost cultish line, that line that puts up a wall of protection and distance, "I am so positive, I'm doing just fine, I'm not scared, I don't need support, other people die from this but not me, not me, not me I do not believe it can be me." As it was, she blocked me. She did not convince me that she was as fine and positive as she made out to be. I felt sad and scared for her.
"Mental health is an ongoing process of dedication to reality at all costs." -M Scott Peck-
I have said before and will again that being positive is a perspective that might help you pick up the pieces. But like anything when taken in doses that are too large, it can be toxic. Live well - how many of you here do just that, every day, an uphill battle. Admirable. But you are also very, very real. Thank god for all of you.
0 -
Thanks for that runor. My story today is different. I had IV chemo and an acquaintance from the encore YMCA group came to visit me. She was at the Jubilee getting some tests done for a complete second time needed knee replacement. She walks pretty lopsided but does not complain. But today it was all different. She was evicted from her small apartment in James Bay part way through November because she missed an 8 dollars payment for a service charge. Through friend of a friend of she found someone to take her in temporarily. But just when she has to have her knee surgery on January 29 that person wants her to be gone because she has her own issues with the husband/kids and liens on the house blah blah blah. I would have had her here but we are going away then and my sister and husband are coming to stay and right now with my cancer, it is somewhat stressful.
This is a 59 year old woman who has never been in a position like this. She worked after the breast cancer year long stuff we have all done, went back to work at a law firm because she had to, with no money. She is on a CCP disability pension that I do not understand but does not get any money until again January 29. She has phoned every MLA and has been in touch with the housing area of government but there is almost nothing anyone can do and this is why we see homeless people who never saw it coming. Our ENCORE Y group is posting on our private FB group but it does not look good. I wonder if a GO FUND ME PAGE would it be worth it to start up? If she could just pay rent on anything she could get then I think we could get her homecare post op plus all of us who know for and are here could pitch in with visits too.
Any advice welcome. I have never run into a situation like this I'm just do not know what to do but my mind will not let me Drop it.
MariAN
0 -
Runor,
You are SO right. I was just like your friend. Spun the “postitve” line to anyone who would listen. I ended up in the hospital for 3 days after taking a handful of Oxycontin while VERY drunk.
We need each other to get through this. I see that now. I still try to be positive in general, but no longer have a mask on. If someone asks me how I’m doing, I feel free to say “crappy” if that’s how I feel. I just hope ypur friend realizes that the community of others like her will help her to exist as well as possible.
Blessings
Laurie
0 -
hello lovelies~ Runor ~ that plasterers smile comes along with it cracking later on down the lane. People like that are usually in denial. You were a sweet woman to even ask.
BooBoo~we all have our dark hours when face to face at. Night when we are alone in our own heads. It happens to the best of us. We just struggle on. So glad to see you.
Marian~What a shame to read that. They have should have more shelters and it makes me sick that at this day and age. Homelessness is even a thing anymore. Maybe contact the hospital social worker to where she would be having surgery. Sometimes they can find some amazing grants and resources to their patients. At least they may know of some local shelters that could know of halfway homes or places for unwed elder women. I am thinking of you for being so thoughtful. And thinking of you because you care so much. I’m also thinking about your friend. One day at a time my friend !0 -
Runor, I really hope the lady you mentioned isn’t that far in denial, perhaps it’s still too raw and she didn’t want to break down at the grocery store. Either way, it sucks.
Marian, a go fund me is a good idea but not necessarily in a small private FB group, you’d want to reach more people, I suspect. It might help to reach out beyond the closer circle, maybe there’s a friend or family member of those in the group that have a guest room or kids newly off to college?
0 -
Marianeliz contact the hospital. Also sometimes there are rooms for rent. I know here there are a few programs for single women and they all share a house. They have a room to themselves or they can share a room. Shared rooms are cheaper. Usually the religious org. Know about the shelter shared housing options. Good luck.
Runor my very own sister shared that jargon we beat it last time we’ll beat it again. In my mind I was screaming and crying scared to my very cancerous bones. But I just said thanks ok bye to her bc I knew she was not the person to give me comfort. I still have my moments but try to be strong. Due to the nature of the beast (cancer) someone has to be in the business to understand the terror At night or just in a passing moment. Your store friend will have family and friends for sure but that tuff upper lip stuff is no match for all these needles, SE’S, Dr appts, scars, disfiguring treatments, scanxiety, bad news along with life’s normal challenges.
I thank you all for being here.
Tanya
0 -
our bodies are truly something else. Would you believe my ganglion cyst is going way on its own? I woke up yesterday and it was just not hard anymore, it's flattened out more and is no longer hurting at all. I didn't even have to slam it with anything.. so weird. I hope all is well. Much love to you all! Anyone heard from Lynne(Man)?haven't seen her and I know she was having tx issues.
I have to say... I'm struggling. I want to sleep every chance I get. I love my beds. Yes beds I go back and forth from beds because I don't wnt to be too used to one bed and get sick of laying down. It is just the crappy placement of my unfortunate location of one of my three mets 😞 but if I can remain like this I will take it ! Have a great weekend. Hugs to all
0 -
Hi, Runor, I was that woman too. I told a well meaning acquaintance that I had friends and family and I would be fine. I think I was in denial at that time, but as time goes on she may realise that you also need the support of those who live the Cancer with the big C, and also face the dying too. Be nice to her, she may ask you for a little advice someday.
Marianelizabeth if you do a crowdfunding page please let us know. My daughter lives in Langford and could share. We may be far from each other but it's a small world.
Today I have no voice, headache, yuk feeling, a lazy day with him indoors doing everything x
0 -
I just think everyone had to handle their own cancer in whatever way they can and we shouldn’t be dissing anyone for being a positive person. Some people handle this much better by being positive, and in fact studies have shown that being in denial might actually help our bodies fight this beast!
0 -
I follow this thread to see how you all are doing. I fully agree with Gracie. Lots of studies show being positive decreases stress on your mind and body. Stress isn't talked much with physical diseases but it plays a big role in your physical health as well. Im not in denial but I am positive I will be fine whatever comes my way. Best wishes to you all. ❤
0 -
I agree. I go through waves and have been told, I am the one that comforts others about my own condition. My kids don't like to speak about it. Especially my son. He really gets upset and leaves the room. We are very close. That is why I try to be positive for them. I never thought that it could be one of the reasons I'm doing so well. I just get into those funks to where. I just hold onto things that scare me and make me weak. Fear. Raw emotion. That is what knocks me down. I am better at physical pain than emotional. It's also easier to be that way with people you don't know. Tougher. They don't pull at your heart strings. I would bet your bottom dollar when she got into her car she thought. I hate you cancer. Just like we do. Love you guys.
Feeling down and sad about Dianarose. Just don't know how to let go of years. With a text and then that's it. I will in time understand on my own. But like with Patty, Keetmom,Kandy, mags, we had no choice. I realize I have no choice again. Which brings me back to wanting you all to know how much you're valued and cared for. These day are hard enough without a platform to really let it all out.
Runor~ at least you even cared. Some may not.
Rosabella~Hello lovely welcome to our home. Nice to know you read our thread. It's like our little bar. Always welcomed. Always a seat.
Gracie~ Hello my sweet friend. Hope you're well!
Today is nap day. Oh wait isn't everyday ? 🤪
0 -
Love you all lovely ladies. I'm silently in all of your pockets praying for you all. 🙏🏻❤
0 -
Rosabella~Thank you so very much. We all need all the good thoughts and. Vibes we can get. You’re very special to express feelings for us like that. I am sending you a big hug. I so much like it when the support is never ending! 😃 much love ~M~
0 -
Gracie, I agree with you. I also have a positive attitude. I have found that it makes it easier for me to get through life. I don’t know what is coming next year, next week, or even tomorrow. I do know that I have this day and this moment. I am alive and enjoying life. The future is not within my control. All I can do is give it over to God and move forward.
Minnie, Thank you for your good wishes for my scans. My results were not quite as good as yours. I will meet with my MO on Monday to see if it is time to change treatment again. Maybe I will be pleasantly surprised and will be able to stay on xeloda a bit longer. We shall see.
Micmel, I think I had my hand slapped by you for saying I I might just disappear someday. Lol. I did not intend it to look like I was showing disrespect to people who have given me support on these boards. I will always cherish the people here.
It is really, really cold here. I think I am getting too old and crotchitfor winter.
Have a good weekend.
Hugs and prayers from,Lynne
0 -
Lynne(50)s~Not even close!! I’m so sorry if that is how you felt. I am going through letting go of someone from here just through a text. I never expected that to be the end of things. I want to know , I feel like I need to know, in order to honor her. I guess the timing seemed like it was in direct response to your posting but it certainly wasn’t. Although, I wouldn’t want to have you just fade away in any way shape or form. I was not directing my posting about that subject directly to you. My Heart is hurting. I have no answers. I apologize if you would ever think that it was directed towards you. Now I feel bad 😔 oh dear me ! Much love ~M~
0 -
I had blood work and Xgeva on Monday. The ordinary blood work looked good. Thursday the nurse called to tell me that tumor markers were down a bit, again. Thank goodness! So, keeping on with what I've been doing. Scans next month. In April, we'll cut back on the Xgeva to every three months instead of every month.
Following everyone's posts here.
Watching it snow. Ice to follow, which is scary. Hope the power lines hold up.
0 -
muddling~congratulations on the lower tumor markers. My onc relies on them very much. Keep on keeping on... May you have many many more years of good markers And results. Snow on tap ? I think we are going to let lucky and only get a coating. More nap! Much love ~M~
0 -
Lyn, I'm sorry your results weren't so good. I hope you don't have to change treatment. I dread change, but trust my Doctors to know what is best for me, thinking of you x
0
